I have attached my CV.

Best.

(Someone who CC'd this email to every bookshop in North London).

(Man enters bookshop smoking a cigarette) BOOKSELLER: Excuse me? Excuse me?

MAN: Yes? Yes?

BOOKSELLER: Could you put that cigarette out, please? Could you put that cigarette out, please?

MAN: Why? Why?

BOOKSELLER: Because it's illegal to smoke in a public place. Because it's illegal to smoke in a public place.

MAN: This isn't a public place; there's only you and me here. This isn't a public place; there's only you and me here.

BOOKSELLER: Yes, well, it's still a public place. And, apart from anything else, this shop is rather flammable. Yes, well, it's still a public place. And, apart from anything else, this shop is rather flammable.

MAN: Why? Why?

BOOKSELLER: ... because it's filled with paper... . because it's filled with paper.

MAN: Is it? Is it?

CUSTOMER: Do you have a nature section? I'm looking for a nature guide, you know, for places to go. Do you have a nature section? I'm looking for a nature guide, you know, for places to go.

BOOKSELLER: Sure, our nature section is just down here. Sure, our nature section is just down here.

CUSTOMER: No, sorry, not nature naturist. No, sorry, not nature naturist.

BOOKSELLER: Oh! Oh!

CUSTOMER: Did I leave my bicycle in here? Did I leave my bicycle in here?

CUSTOMER (to their friend) (to their friend): G.o.d, the Famous Five Famous Five t.i.tles really were c.r.a.p, weren't they? t.i.tles really were c.r.a.p, weren't they? Five Go Camping Five Go Camping. Five Go Off in a Caravan Five Go Off in a Caravan.... If it was Five Go Down To a Crack House Five Go Down To a Crack House it might be a bit more exciting. it might be a bit more exciting.

MAN: Hi, could you recommend a book for me? Hi, could you recommend a book for me?

BOOKSELLER: Sure. What kind of thing are you looking for? Sure. What kind of thing are you looking for?

MAN: Well, I was let out of prison this morning, so something not too heavy would be nice. Well, I was let out of prison this morning, so something not too heavy would be nice.

CUSTOMER: ( (on noticing Nicola Morgan's 'Write to be Published' advertis.e.m.e.nt in front of the desk): A book on how to get published? A book on how to get published?

BOOKSELLER: Yes. Nicola's fabulous. Yes. Nicola's fabulous.

CUSTOMER: Is it about self-publishing? Is it about self-publishing?

BOOKSELLER: Nicola focuses mainly on mainstream publishing. Nicola focuses mainly on mainstream publishing.

CUSTOMER: Oh, I've written that kind of book myself. Oh, I've written that kind of book myself.

BOOKSELLER: Have you? Have you?

CUSTOMER: Yeah. I self-publish my own novels, and I self-published this book on getting published the traditional way. I don't have experience of it, but I thought I'd give it a go. It hasn't sold as well as I thought it would. Yeah. I self-publish my own novels, and I self-published this book on getting published the traditional way. I don't have experience of it, but I thought I'd give it a go. It hasn't sold as well as I thought it would.

CUSTOMER: Oh wow, this shop is lovely! Oh wow, this shop is lovely!

BOOKSELLER: Thank you. Thank you.

CUSTOMER: I was in a bakery just like it the other day. I was in a bakery just like it the other day.

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: Do you bother to arrange your books at all, or are they just plonked places? Do you bother to arrange your books at all, or are they just plonked places?

BOOKSELLER: They're in alphabetical order... They're in alphabetical order...

CUSTOMER: Oh. Oh.

(Phone rings) BOOKSELLER: h.e.l.lo? h.e.l.lo?

PERSON: Hi there, can I speak to the manager of the property? Hi there, can I speak to the manager of the property?

BOOKSELLER: Speaking. How can I help? Speaking. How can I help?

PERSON: I'm calling to see if you'd be interested in stocking some cleaning products in your vicinity. I'm calling to see if you'd be interested in stocking some cleaning products in your vicinity.

BOOKSELLER: To sell? To sell?

PERSON: Yes. Yes.

BOOKSELLER: We're a bookshop. We're a bookshop.

PERSON: Yes. Could you see yourselves branching out into this area? Yes. Could you see yourselves branching out into this area?

BOOKSELLER: Not really, no. Not really, no.

PERSON: How about I send over a sample of products and you can see how you get on? How about I send over a sample of products and you can see how you get on?

BOOKSELLER: No, thank you. No, thank you.

PERSON: Books and cleaning products work well together. Books and cleaning products work well together.

BOOKSELLER: Do they? Do they?

PERSON: I'm sure we could make this work. I'm sure we could make this work.

BOOKSELLER: No, thank you. No, thank you.

PERSON: I think you're missing out on a very interesting opportunity. Can you think of any other bookshops who might be interested? I think you're missing out on a very interesting opportunity. Can you think of any other bookshops who might be interested?

CUSTOMER: Do you stock Nigella Lawson under 's.e.x' or 'Cookery'? Do you stock Nigella Lawson under 's.e.x' or 'Cookery'?

BOOKSELLER: It's a tough call, isn't it? It's a tough call, isn't it?

CUSTOMER: If I give you these three paperbacks, will you sell them and give the money to charity? If I give you these three paperbacks, will you sell them and give the money to charity?

BOOKSELLER: We're not a charity bookshop. We're not a charity bookshop.

CUSTOMER: Oh. Where does your money go to? Oh. Where does your money go to?

BOOKSELLER: ... It goes into keeping us in business... . It goes into keeping us in business.

CUSTOMER: Some of these books are dusty ... can't you hoover them? Some of these books are dusty ... can't you hoover them?

CUSTOMER: OK, so you want this book? OK, so you want this book?

THEIR DAUGHTER: Yes! Yes!

CUSTOMER: Peter Pan Peter Pan?

THEIR DAUGHTER: Yes, please. Because he can fly. Yes, please. Because he can fly.

CUSTOMER: Yes, he can he's very good at flying. Yes, he can he's very good at flying.

THEIR DAUGHTER: Why can't I fly, daddy? Why can't I fly, daddy?

CUSTOMER: Because of evolution, sweetheart. Because of evolution, sweetheart.

CUSTOMER: Do you have a book on how to breathe underwater? Do you have a book on how to breathe underwater?

BOOKSELLER: You mean Julie Orringer's short story collection: ' You mean Julie Orringer's short story collection: 'How to Breathe Underwater'?

CUSTOMER: Is that fact? Is that fact?

BOOKSELLER: No, it's fiction the t.i.tle's a metaphor. No, it's fiction the t.i.tle's a metaphor.

CUSTOMER: ... Oh. No. I need a book on how to actually breathe underwater... . Oh. No. I need a book on how to actually breathe underwater.

BOOKSELLER: ... ...