CUSTOMER: Hi there. Hi there.

BOOKSELLER: Hi, can I help? Hi, can I help?

CUSTOMER: Yes, I was just admiring your shop sign outside. Yes, I was just admiring your shop sign outside.

BOOKSELLER: Thank you. Thank you.

CUSTOMER: It's really lovely ... It's really lovely ...

BOOKSELLER: ... Yes... . Yes.

CUSTOMER: ... is it for sale? ... is it for sale?

MAN: Hi, I was wondering if I could ask you about a book I'm writing. Hi, I was wondering if I could ask you about a book I'm writing.

BOOKSELLER: Sure. Sure.

MAN: Well, it's here. Well, it's here. (He produces the 'book' - a series of things stuck into an A4 lined pad of paper) (He produces the 'book' - a series of things stuck into an A4 lined pad of paper) BOOKSELLER: Right, what's the premise? Right, what's the premise?

MAN: It's a children's book. See, I've been taking pictures of stuff and my mate has been writing poems to go alongside it. It's a children's book. See, I've been taking pictures of stuff and my mate has been writing poems to go alongside it.

BOOKSELLER: OK. Are you a professional photographer? OK. Are you a professional photographer?

MAN: No, I've just been taking photos of things on my mobile. They're pretty good though, yeah? No, I've just been taking photos of things on my mobile. They're pretty good though, yeah?

BOOKSELLER: Erm, well they're a little blurry. Erm, well they're a little blurry.

MAN: Oh, that just makes them unique. Oh, that just makes them unique.

CUSTOMER: And your friend, has he had poems published elsewhere? And your friend, has he had poems published elsewhere?

MAN: Nope, he doesn't believe in that kind of stuff. Nope, he doesn't believe in that kind of stuff.

BOOKSELLER: ... OK ... so what's your next step? ... OK ... so what's your next step?

MAN: To get it published. To get it published.

BOOKSELLER: What's your plan of action? What's your plan of action?

MAN: Just send it off to publishers. Just send it off to publishers.

BOOKSELLER: Which one? Which one?

MAN: Any old one. All of them. It ain't hard, is it? Any old one. All of them. It ain't hard, is it?

BOOKSELLER: With all due respect, it is very hard. With all due respect, it is very hard.

MAN: Well our mates think it's a fantastic idea. And I don't think it can be hard - there are books everywhere these days just look at this shop! Well our mates think it's a fantastic idea. And I don't think it can be hard - there are books everywhere these days just look at this shop!

BOOKSELLER: Well, yes, but we are a Well, yes, but we are a book bookshop.

CUSTOMER: Do you have any books on star signs? Do you have any books on star signs?

BOOKSELLER: Yes, our esoteric section is over here. Yes, our esoteric section is over here.

CUSTOMER: Good, thanks. It's just I really need to check mine I have this overwhelming feeling that something bad is going to happen. Good, thanks. It's just I really need to check mine I have this overwhelming feeling that something bad is going to happen.

CUSTOMER: I have I have The Pickwick Papers The Pickwick Papers, first edition. How much will you buy it for?

BOOKSELLER (examines book) (examines book): Sorry, but this was was printed in 1910.

CUSTOMER: Yes. Yes.

BOOKSELLER: The Pickwick Papers The Pickwick Papers was first printed in 1837; this isn't a first edition. was first printed in 1837; this isn't a first edition.

CUSTOMER: No, it was definitely first printed in 1910. No, it was definitely first printed in 1910.

BOOKSELLER: d.i.c.kens was dead in 1910. d.i.c.kens was dead in 1910.

CUSTOMER: I don't think so. You're trying to con me. I don't think so. You're trying to con me.

BOOKSELLER: I promise you, I'm not. I promise you, I'm not.

CUSTOMER: (glares for a while, then picks the book back up quickly) (glares for a while, then picks the book back up quickly) I'm taking them to Sotheby's! I'm taking them to Sotheby's! (storms out) (storms out)

CUSTOMER: Hi, do you have that sperm cookbook? Hi, do you have that sperm cookbook?

BOOKSELLER: No, we don't. No, we don't.

CUSTOMER: That's a shame; I really wanted to try it. Have you tried it? That's a shame; I really wanted to try it. Have you tried it?

BOOKSELLER: I have not. I have not.

CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of Jane Eyre? Do you have a copy of Jane Eyre?

BOOKSELLER: Actually, I just sold that this morning, sorry! Actually, I just sold that this morning, sorry!

CUSTOMER: Oh. Have you read it? Oh. Have you read it?

BOOKSELLER: Yes, it's one of my favourite books. Yes, it's one of my favourite books.

CUSTOMER: Oh, great Oh, great (sits down beside bookseller) (sits down beside bookseller). Could you tell me all about it? I have to write an essay on it by tomorrow.

CUSTOMER: Do you have a section on religion? Do you have a section on religion?

BOOKSELLER: Sure, it's just over here. Sure, it's just over here.

CUSTOMER: You've got Richard Dawkins's books on here next to copies of the Bible. You've got Richard Dawkins's books on here next to copies of the Bible.

BOOKSELLER: That section is for all kinds of books relating to religion. That section is for all kinds of books relating to religion.

CUSTOMER: I hope you know that's a sin. And you will go to h.e.l.l. I hope you know that's a sin. And you will go to h.e.l.l.

ELDERLY GENTLEMAN: h.e.l.lo, do you have any books on s.e.x? h.e.l.lo, do you have any books on s.e.x?

BOOKSELLER: I think we have a couple, yes. I think we have a couple, yes.

ELDERLY GENTLEMAN: Excellent. I've had a hip replacement, and I wasn't sure how long I had to wait, you see. Excellent. I've had a hip replacement, and I wasn't sure how long I had to wait, you see.

BOOKSELLER: ... Right... . Right.

ELDERLY GENTLEMAN: I bet you could look it up on that computer there, though couldn't you? I bet you could look it up on that computer there, though couldn't you?

BOOKSELLER: ... I suppose I could, if I needed to... . I suppose I could, if I needed to.

ELDERLY GENTLEMAN: Excellent thing, the internet. Excellent thing, the internet.

CUSTOMER: You have maps? You have maps?

BOOKSELLER: Yes, we do. Road maps? Yes, we do. Road maps?

CUSTOMER: Yes. Yes.

BOOKSELLER: We have old ones - Ordnance Survey maps, and road maps, over here. We have old ones - Ordnance Survey maps, and road maps, over here.

CUSTOMER: I need a map to Dover. I need a map to Dover.

BOOKSELLER (has a look) (has a look): I'm not sure we have a specific south-east map. We have a road map of the UK, though, which has a map of the south-east in it.

CUSTOMER: No. I walk. No. I walk.

BOOKSELLER: You're walking? You're walking?

CUSTOMER: Yes. Yes.

BOOKSELLER: To Dover? To Dover?

CUSTOMER: Yes. Yes.

BOOKSELLER: That's very very far. That's very very far.

CUSTOMER: It's five miles, yes? It's five miles, yes?

BOOKSELLER: No. It's about eighty miles. No. It's about eighty miles.

CUSTOMER: You point me in the right direction? You point me in the right direction?

BOOKSELLER: I don't know which way it is from here. I don't know which way it is from here.

CUSTOMER: OK. I follow the smell of the sea. OK. I follow the smell of the sea.

CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of Mrs. Dalloway, but, like, really old so from, like, 1850? Do you have a copy of Mrs. Dalloway, but, like, really old so from, like, 1850?

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

Dear Sirs,

I am writing to see if you have any positions available at your bookshop. I really love your shop, and the personalised service I get from you when I've been in previously. Your shop is one dear to my heart.