CUSTOMER: I tell you something, you must get some odd requests, working here. I tell you something, you must get some odd requests, working here.

CUSTOMER: Did Beatrix Potter ever write a book about dinosaurs? Did Beatrix Potter ever write a book about dinosaurs?

MAN: Do you have black and white film posters? Do you have black and white film posters?

BOOKSELLER: Yes, we do. They're over here. Yes, we do. They're over here.

MAN: Do you have any posters of Adolf Hitler? Do you have any posters of Adolf Hitler?

BOOKSELLER: Pardon? Pardon?

MAN: Adolf Hitler. Adolf Hitler.

BOOKSELLER: Well, he wasn't a film star, was he. Well, he wasn't a film star, was he.

MAN: Yes, he was. He was American. Jewish, I think. Yes, he was. He was American. Jewish, I think.

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER (poking his head through the door) (poking his head through the door): Hi, can I bring my dog inside?

BOOKSELLER: Sure, there's a sign on the door that says that friendly dogs are allowed. Sure, there's a sign on the door that says that friendly dogs are allowed.

CUSTOMER: Well, she's not that friendly; she might bite people. Well, she's not that friendly; she might bite people.

BOOKSELLER: ... Well then please leave her outside... . Well then please leave her outside.

BOOKSELLER: Would you like a bag? We've got plastic and paper ones. Would you like a bag? We've got plastic and paper ones.

CUSTOMER: Well I would have asked for a bag, but you said 'plastic bag' not 'pla[r]stic bag', so now that you've said that, I don't want one. Well I would have asked for a bag, but you said 'plastic bag' not 'pla[r]stic bag', so now that you've said that, I don't want one.

BOOKSELLER: I'm not sure people say 'pla[r]stic bag.' Also, I'm from Newcastle so I say 'bath' not 'ba[r]th'. I'm not sure people say 'pla[r]stic bag.' Also, I'm from Newcastle so I say 'bath' not 'ba[r]th'.

CUSTOMER: Clearly you're uneducated. Clearly you're uneducated.

(A customer in America ordered a 19th century book and, upon receiving it, said that it was in terrible condition. The booksellers were sure that the book had been accurately described, but said that the buyer could post the book back to them. The customer sent the book back in only a paper bag, with pieces of paper stuck to the pages that showed photographs. The spine was broken, as though he'd put said book on a photocopier, copied the images and posted the book back to the bookshop - never intending to keep it in the first place. The booksellers reported this to ABE books [the antiquarian bookselling website which the customer had bought the book through.]. They gave the booksellers the money to repair the book, and refunded the buyer with a strong warning.) century book and, upon receiving it, said that it was in terrible condition. The booksellers were sure that the book had been accurately described, but said that the buyer could post the book back to them. The customer sent the book back in only a paper bag, with pieces of paper stuck to the pages that showed photographs. The spine was broken, as though he'd put said book on a photocopier, copied the images and posted the book back to the bookshop - never intending to keep it in the first place. The booksellers reported this to ABE books [the antiquarian bookselling website which the customer had bought the book through.]. They gave the booksellers the money to repair the book, and refunded the buyer with a strong warning.)

Several very rude emails ensued with choice phrases such as:

CUSTOMER: You will not forget this transaction. Every time an event goes wrong in your life, you will remember karma ... I am a prophet and I bring you this message in the name of Jesus Christ. You will not forget this transaction. Every time an event goes wrong in your life, you will remember karma ... I am a prophet and I bring you this message in the name of Jesus Christ.

A few weeks later, the customer posted an A4 envelope to the bookshop stuffed with pamphlets on how to recognise the devil within themselves.

CUSTOMER: I don't suppose I could have a cup of tea, could I? I don't suppose I could have a cup of tea, could I?

BOOKSELLER: Well ... erm ... Well ... erm ...

CUSTOMER: Thanks, I'm parched. Thanks, I'm parched.

BOOKSELLER (indicating the bookshelves) (indicating the bookshelves): Have you seen anything you'd like?

CUSTOMER: Oh, I'm not buying. I'm just waiting for my bus. Oh, I'm not buying. I'm just waiting for my bus.

CUSTOMER (holds up a biography): (holds up a biography): Do you have this book but without the photographs? Do you have this book but without the photographs?

BOOKSELLER: I think the photographs are published alongside the text in every edition. I think the photographs are published alongside the text in every edition.

CUSTOMER: Why? Why?

BOOKSELLER: I suppose so you can see what everyone looked like. I suppose so you can see what everyone looked like.

CUSTOMER: I don't like photographs. I don't like photographs.

BOOKSELLER: OK. OK.

CUSTOMER: Could you cut them out for me? Could you cut them out for me?

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: Hi, do you have any new books? Hi, do you have any new books?

BOOKSELLER: We're an antiquarian bookshop - our stock is made up of books which are out of print. We're an antiquarian bookshop - our stock is made up of books which are out of print.

CUSTOMER: So other people have touched them? So other people have touched them?

BOOKSELLER: ... Presumably, yes... . Presumably, yes.

CUSTOMER: I don't think I'll bother, thanks. I don't think I'll bother, thanks.

BOOKSELLER: ... OK... . OK.

CUSTOMER: Do you have any old p.o.r.n magazines? Do you have any old p.o.r.n magazines?

CUSTOMER (inclining her head) (inclining her head): How are you guys doing?

BOOKSELLER: Oh, we're clinging on. Oh, we're clinging on.

CUSTOMER: Oh you poor dears, it's this Kindle! Oh you poor dears, it's this Kindle!

BOOKSELLER: Well, really, it's the supermarkets making people think that books aren't worth paying money for. Well, really, it's the supermarkets making people think that books aren't worth paying money for.

CUSTOMER: I hadn't thought of it like that. It is terrible, isn't it? I hadn't thought of it like that. It is terrible, isn't it?

(Five minutes later) CUSTOMER: How much is this book? How much is this book?

BOOKSELLER: That's 10. That's 10.

CUSTOMER: Could I have it for 5? Could I have it for 5?

CUSTOMER: There was a book in the eighties that I loved... but I can't remember the t.i.tle. There was a book in the eighties that I loved... but I can't remember the t.i.tle.

BOOKSELLER: Can you remember anything about it? Can you remember anything about it?

CUSTOMER: I think it was called 360 fairy tales. I think it was called 360 fairy tales.

BOOKSELLER (searches on British Library catalogue): (searches on British Library catalogue): Nothing under that name, sorry. Nothing under that name, sorry.

CUSTOMER: I might have got the number wrong. Could you just type in 'fairy tales' and see what comes up? I might have got the number wrong. Could you just type in 'fairy tales' and see what comes up?

BOOKSELLER: ... That could take a while... . That could take a while.

CUSTOMER: My dear, there's a long queue in the post office, and I only want a first cla.s.s stamp. Do you have one I could buy from you? My dear, there's a long queue in the post office, and I only want a first cla.s.s stamp. Do you have one I could buy from you?

BOOKSELLER: No, I'm sorry, I don't. No, I'm sorry, I don't.

CUSTOMER: Well then, perhaps you could go and stand in the queue for me? You're a lot younger than myself; your legs can handle it. Well then, perhaps you could go and stand in the queue for me? You're a lot younger than myself; your legs can handle it.

BOOKSELLER: I'm afraid not - I'm running this bookshop by myself. I'm afraid not - I'm running this bookshop by myself.

CUSTOMER: I'll keep an eye on it for you. I'll keep an eye on it for you.

BOOKSELLER: No, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't do that; I'd get in a lot of trouble. No, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't do that; I'd get in a lot of trouble.

CUSTOMER: Well. You've been Well. You've been extremely extremely unhelpful unhelpful (she storms out) (she storms out).

CUSTOMER (peering over) (peering over): Do you have brown eyes?

BOOKSELLER: Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

CUSTOMER: My mother told me never to trust anyone with brown eyes. My mother told me never to trust anyone with brown eyes.

BOOKSELLER: ... You have brown eyes... . You have brown eyes.

CUSTOMER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: If I came to work here, would I get a discount at the off licence next door? If I came to work here, would I get a discount at the off licence next door?