BOOKSELLER: Hmm ... Hmm ... (grabs stapler and returns to shop) (grabs stapler and returns to shop)

Katherine FitzHywel: The Grumpy Swimmer Bookshop, The Grumpy Swimmer Bookshop, Melbourne, Australia.

CUSTOMER: Oh, look, these books are all signed. Oh, look, these books are all signed. (Pause) (Pause) I wonder who signed them? I wonder who signed them?

CUSTOMER (pointing back and forth from the bookseller to a full-size cut out of Legolas): (pointing back and forth from the bookseller to a full-size cut out of Legolas): Is that you? Is that you?

BOOKSELLER: No. That's Orlando Bloom. No. That's Orlando Bloom.

PARENT (to a child who is misbehaving) (to a child who is misbehaving): THERE SHOULD BE NO YELLING UNLESS SOMEONE IS ON FIRE!

CHILD ( (firing back immediately): What if a weasel was robbing the store?

PARENT (long pause, . . with the flickering of a smile) (long pause, . . with the flickering of a smile): I don't know ... is he armed?

Richard Due & Elizabeth Prouty: Second Looks Books, Second Looks Books, Prince Frederick, Maryland, USA

CUSTOMER (offering plain brown paper bag to the bookseller with a friendly look in his eyes) (offering plain brown paper bag to the bookseller with a friendly look in his eyes): Would you like a magic mushroom?

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

Chris Howard: Hay Cinema Bookshop, Hay-On-Wye, Powys, UK. Hay Cinema Bookshop, Hay-On-Wye, Powys, UK.

(phone rings) BOOKSELLER: h.e.l.lo, Waterstone's, how can I help? h.e.l.lo, Waterstone's, how can I help?

CUSTOMER: h.e.l.lo? Yes I'm trying to cook this chicken. h.e.l.lo? Yes I'm trying to cook this chicken.

BOOKSELLER: OK ... what seems to be the issue? OK ... what seems to be the issue?

CUSTOMER: Well, it says to cook it for two hours but I don't know if that's for if it's fresh or for if it's frozen. Well, it says to cook it for two hours but I don't know if that's for if it's fresh or for if it's frozen.

BOOKSELLER: Interesting. Well I'm not sure I'm best qualified to answer that query. Interesting. Well I'm not sure I'm best qualified to answer that query.

CUSTOMER: Is there someone there who can?' Is there someone there who can?'

Will Goldstone: Waterstone's, Bournemouth, UK Waterstone's, Bournemouth, UK

CUSTOMER: Is this a call centre? Is this a call centre?

Bruno Batista: Chapters Bookstore, Dublin, Ireland. Chapters Bookstore, Dublin, Ireland.

CUSTOMER: I want to buy a book for my mother. She likes Danielle Steel. I want to buy a book for my mother. She likes Danielle Steel.

BOOKSELLER: Here she is, under 'S' for Steel. Here she is, under 'S' for Steel.

CUSTOMER: ... Well, I don't know which ones she's already read ... Do you? ... Well, I don't know which ones she's already read ... Do you?

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

Eve Taggart: Half-Price Books, Atlanta, Georgia, USA. Half-Price Books, Atlanta, Georgia, USA.

CUSTOMER (holding up the carrier bag the bookseller has just given him) (holding up the carrier bag the bookseller has just given him): Can I use this for watering my plants?

Lena Goermann: Thalia Bookshop, Hamburg, Germany. Thalia Bookshop, Hamburg, Germany.

CUSTOMER: Do you have this children's book I've heard about? It's supposed to be very good. It's called 'Lionel Richie and the Wardrobe.' Do you have this children's book I've heard about? It's supposed to be very good. It's called 'Lionel Richie and the Wardrobe.'

Sean Martin: Primrose Hill Books, London, UK. Primrose Hill Books, London, UK.

CUSTOMER: Do you sell ice cubes? Do you sell ice cubes?

BOOKSELLER: No. No.

CUSTOMER: Could I not even have three? Could I not even have three?

BOOKSELLER: No. No.

CUSTOMER: Two then? Just to chill some wine... Two then? Just to chill some wine...

BOOKSELLER: We don't sell ice cubes. We don't sell ice cubes.

CUSTOMER: What, none at all? What, none at all?

BOOKSELLER: No. No.

CUSTOMER: Oh. Oh.

BOOKSELLER (sarcastically) (sarcastically): Why not try the bookshop up the road, though?

CUSTOMER: Oh, OK then, I'll do that. Oh, OK then, I'll do that.

BOOKSELLER: ...? ...?

CUSTOMER (having read the blurb to Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief aloud to his son) (having read the blurb to Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief aloud to his son): Excuse me, is this book based on a true story?

BOOKSELLER: It's about an American teenager discovering he's the son of Poseidon by accidentally vaporising his maths teacher. It's about an American teenager discovering he's the son of Poseidon by accidentally vaporising his maths teacher.

CUSTOMER: Yes. Yes.

BOOKSELLER: So, no. So, no.

CUSTOMER: Excuse me, I think you need to do something about your floor. Excuse me, I think you need to do something about your floor.

BOOKSELLER: Oh really? What seems to be the problem? Oh really? What seems to be the problem?

CUSTOMER: It's too high. It's too high.

BOOKSELLER: I'm very sorry, no one's ever complained about that before. I'm very sorry, no one's ever complained about that before.

(Five minutes later) CUSTOMER: Me again. On closer inspection, I think the floor is fine. Me again. On closer inspection, I think the floor is fine.

BOOKSELLER: Great. Thanks for letting me know. Great. Thanks for letting me know.

CUSTOMER: But your shelves are too low. But your shelves are too low.

CUSTOMER: Can you point me to your military history section, please? Can you point me to your military history section, please?

BOOKSELLER: I'm afraid we're such a small shop that we don't actually have one. I'm afraid we're such a small shop that we don't actually have one.

CUSTOMER: WHAT? No war section AT ALL? Have you no respect for the fallen? WHAT? No war section AT ALL? Have you no respect for the fallen?

BOOKSELLER: I can order in any t.i.tle you're after. Or you'll find a decent selection of war poetry and novels inspired by war. I can order in any t.i.tle you're after. Or you'll find a decent selection of war poetry and novels inspired by war.

CUSTOMER (ignoring this) (ignoring this): You mean to tell me you have no shelf on weaponry?

BOOKSELLER: I'm afraid not. I'm afraid not.

CUSTOMER: Are you a pacifist or something? Are you a pacifist or something?