(An old lady approaches the till) CUSTOMER: Yes? What do you want? Yes? What do you want?

BOOKSELLER: Erm, I rather thought that I might be able to help you. Erm, I rather thought that I might be able to help you.

CUSTOMER: Don't be ridiculous. Do I look as if I need Don't be ridiculous. Do I look as if I need your your help ...? help ...?

CUSTOMER: I've just discovered that I'm Brad Pitt's sister and David Cameron's cousin. Is there a biography about me? I've just discovered that I'm Brad Pitt's sister and David Cameron's cousin. Is there a biography about me?

CUSTOMER: Would you mind if I had a little sleep on your sofa? Would you mind if I had a little sleep on your sofa?

Hereward Corbett: The Yellow-Lighted Bookshop, Gloucestershire, UK. The Yellow-Lighted Bookshop, Gloucestershire, UK.

CUSTOMER: Are there any cookbooks for people who don't like to cook, and who don't want to use many ingredients? Are there any cookbooks for people who don't like to cook, and who don't want to use many ingredients?

BOOKSELLER: I'm sure there are, let's have a search on the computer. I'll search 'simple food.' I'm sure there are, let's have a search on the computer. I'll search 'simple food.'

CUSTOMER: I don't want any foreign food. I don't want any foreign food.

BOOKSELLER: Erm, OK, I'll try 'simple British food.' Erm, OK, I'll try 'simple British food.'

CUSTOMER: Well, I've had those types of books before and they use things like olive oil. I don't want anything with olive oil in it. Well, I've had those types of books before and they use things like olive oil. I don't want anything with olive oil in it.

BOOKSELLER: Erm ... Erm ...

CUSTOMER: Can you just type in 'cooking with lard,' and see what comes up? Can you just type in 'cooking with lard,' and see what comes up?

Sara Waddington: Simply Books, Pocklington, Yorkshire, UK. Simply Books, Pocklington, Yorkshire, UK.

MAN: Hi, do you have my wife in here? Hi, do you have my wife in here?

BOOKSELLER: Erm, I have lots of wives in here, what does yours look like? Erm, I have lots of wives in here, what does yours look like?

MAN: She's let herself go a bit, is short and her roots are showing She's let herself go a bit, is short and her roots are showing BOOKSELLER: ... ! ... !

Elizabeth Hurley: Hurley Books, Mevagissy, Cornwall, UK Hurley Books, Mevagissy, Cornwall, UK

CUSTOMER: Does this book come in other versions? Does this book come in other versions?

BOOKSELLER: I can check on the computer for you. I can check on the computer for you.

CUSTOMER: It's just that I don't like the way that this one pans out. It's just that I don't like the way that this one pans out.

CUSTOMER: Do you have this book in stock? Do you have this book in stock? (Shows Amazon print out) (Shows Amazon print out) BOOKSELLER: We don't, I'm sorry. It looks to me that it was only published in America ... We don't, I'm sorry. It looks to me that it was only published in America ...

CUSTOMER: But I checked online and it said you had it. But I checked online and it said you had it.

BOOKSELLER: Ah, on our website? Ah, on our website?

CUSTOMER: You have a website? You have a website?

Nia Rosser: Waterstone's, Cardiff, UK Waterstone's, Cardiff, UK.

CUSTOMER: How much is this book? How much is this book?

BOOKSELLER: $6. $6.

CUSTOMER: I don't want to pay that much. Will you take $2? I don't want to pay that much. Will you take $2?

BOOKSELLER: No, the price is not negotiable. No, the price is not negotiable.

CUSTOMER: I've got some cabbage in the truck, would you take some of that instead? I've got some cabbage in the truck, would you take some of that instead?

BOOKSELLER: ... No... . No.

CUSTOMER: How about some potatoes? How about some potatoes?

BOOKSELLER: No ... what? ... How is that different? No ... what? ... How is that different?

Caitlin Fry: Jeff's Books, Strathalbyn, Australia. Jeff's Books, Strathalbyn, Australia.

N.B. Pets with Tourette's is a thoroughly silly book with photos of cute animals with speech bubbles featuring horribly naughty phrases

CUSTOMER (inspecting the book) (inspecting the book): Oh. That isn't what I was expecting.

BOOKSELLER: Yeah, it is a bit different to what we usually have in stock but... Yeah, it is a bit different to what we usually have in stock but...

CUSTOMER: No, I meant that I thought the book was about real people's pets, who have actual Tourette's. No, I meant that I thought the book was about real people's pets, who have actual Tourette's.

BOOKSELLER: Like talking animals? Like talking animals?

CUSTOMER (seriously) (seriously): Yes. That would have been better.

Sarah Chapman: Well Read Bookshop, Newcastle, UK. Well Read Bookshop, Newcastle, UK.

CUSTOMER: I need to buy a present for my grandson. Apparently I need book number four. I need to buy a present for my grandson. Apparently I need book number four.

BOOKSELLER: Book number four? Of which series? Book number four? Of which series?

CUSTOMER: Number four. That's all I know. Can you just show me where that would be? Number four. That's all I know. Can you just show me where that would be?

BOOKSELLER: Well, there are lots of children's series with four books or more ... Well, there are lots of children's series with four books or more ...

CUSTOMER: Can you just show me where I might find it? Can you just show me where I might find it?

(The bookseller takes the customer to the children's section) BOOKSELLER: As you can see, there are lots of series ... As you can see, there are lots of series ...

CUSTOMER: Yes, but the book I want has number four written on it. Look, this one has number four. ( Yes, but the book I want has number four written on it. Look, this one has number four. (Points to fourth book of 'Series of Unfortunate Events') BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: I'll take this one. I'll take this one.

BOOKSELLER: Okay, but ... never mind. Okay, but ... never mind.

Georgi Paech: Dillons Norwood Bookshop, Adelaide, Australia Dillons Norwood Bookshop, Adelaide, Australia.

CUSTOMER: Do you sell bath plugs? Do you sell bath plugs?

Simon Curtis: Quagga Rare Books, Stellenbosch, South Africa. Quagga Rare Books, Stellenbosch, South Africa.

CUSTOMER: I've got an aubergine and I don't know what to do with it. I've got an aubergine and I don't know what to do with it.

BOOKSELLER: Oh, well, what did you buy that for? Oh, well, what did you buy that for?

CUSTOMER: I didn't someone gave it to me and I just saw you've got cups and saucers in the window do you know about cooking? I didn't someone gave it to me and I just saw you've got cups and saucers in the window do you know about cooking?

BOOKSELLER: ... Our window display is the Mad Hatter's tea party from Alice in Wonderland... . Our window display is the Mad Hatter's tea party from Alice in Wonderland.

Katie Clapham: Storytellers, Inc., St. Annes-on-Sea, Lancashire, UK Storytellers, Inc., St. Annes-on-Sea, Lancashire, UK.

CUSTOMER: Can I borrow your stapler? Can I borrow your stapler?

BOOKSELLER: Sure. ( Sure. (Puts the stapler on the counter and returns to pricing books) Customer immediately walks out of the shop with the stapler.Bookseller walks to the door to see if customer is stapling something just outside.

Customer is walking off down the street.

BOOKSELLER (chases after the customer): (chases after the customer): Umm, can I have my stapler back? Umm, can I have my stapler back?

CUSTOMER: Oh, I thought it was mine. The stapler I'd lost. Oh, I thought it was mine. The stapler I'd lost.