CUSTOMER: Well, I don't really. It's just that I've moved into a flat up the street, and I'd like a job within walking distance. Well, I don't really. It's just that I've moved into a flat up the street, and I'd like a job within walking distance.

CUSTOMER: Where do you keep Where do you keep Hamlet Hamlet? You know 'to be or not to be'? Is it in philosophy?

CUSTOMER: Is your mother around? Is your mother around?

BOOKSELLER: ... I run this bookshop... . I run this bookshop.

CUSTOMER: Oh. Sorry. Oh. Sorry.

(Phone rings) BOOKSELLER: h.e.l.lo, Ripping Yarns bookshop. h.e.l.lo, Ripping Yarns bookshop.

CUSTOMER: Hi. My friend recommended you to me. She said you sell the most amazing knee high socks. Hi. My friend recommended you to me. She said you sell the most amazing knee high socks.

BOOKSELLER: We don't sell socks, we're a bookshop. We don't sell socks, we're a bookshop.

CUSTOMER: Oh, have you sold out? Oh, have you sold out?

BOOKSELLER: Of what? Of what?

CUSTOMER: Of socks. Of socks.

BOOKSELLER: No, we're a No, we're a book bookshop.

CUSTOMER: Oh, OK. Oh, OK.

CUSTOMER (speaking loudly on her mobile) (speaking loudly on her mobile): Why aren't you here here yet? I don't like walking around with two thousand pounds in cash on me! Hurry up and pick me up! yet? I don't like walking around with two thousand pounds in cash on me! Hurry up and pick me up!

(Customer's phone rings) OTHER CUSTOMER: Will you turn that off? There are laws about mobile phones in bookshops, you know. Will you turn that off? There are laws about mobile phones in bookshops, you know.

CUSTOMER: Do you have a restricted section? Do you have a restricted section?

CUSTOMER: Is this Hampstead Heath? Is this Hampstead Heath?

BOOKSELLER: No, it's a bookshop. No, it's a bookshop.

(Customer walks in and leaves the door wide open) OTHER CUSTOMER: Could you close that door behind you? Could you close that door behind you?

CUSTOMER: I'm just paying for this book, and then I'm leaving again. I'll only be two seconds. I'm just paying for this book, and then I'm leaving again. I'll only be two seconds.

OTHER CUSTOMER: You've already been in here ten seconds and now it's freezing in here. You've already been in here ten seconds and now it's freezing in here.

CUSTOMER: That's because you're blocking my way to the till! That's because you're blocking my way to the till!

OTHER CUSTOMER: Just close the b.l.o.o.d.y door. Where are your manners? This is a bookshop! Just close the b.l.o.o.d.y door. Where are your manners? This is a bookshop!

CUSTOMER: You know, I'm not sure I've ever really read a whole book before... You know, I'm not sure I've ever really read a whole book before...

CUSTOMER: I've been looking through your geography section I can't find any books on Atlantis. I've been looking through your geography section I can't find any books on Atlantis.

BOOKSELLER: You know, I think we managed to lose those. You know, I think we managed to lose those.

CUSTOMER: You know, if you put boxes of books outside you'd attract a lot more customers. You know, if you put boxes of books outside you'd attract a lot more customers.

BOOKSELLER: ... it's snowing outside right now... . it's snowing outside right now.

CUSTOMER: Do you have Philip Pullman's Do you have Philip Pullman's The Book of Dust? The Book of Dust?

BOOKSELLER: No, I don't think a publication date has even been set for that book yet. No, I don't think a publication date has even been set for that book yet.

CUSTOMER: I know, it's just I thought you might already have a copy, considering you're an antiquarian bookshop. I know, it's just I thought you might already have a copy, considering you're an antiquarian bookshop.

BOOKSELLER: ... Antiquarian means old. We don't have books, you know, from the future... . Antiquarian means old. We don't have books, you know, from the future.

CUSTOMER: Ah. Ah.

CUSTOMER: Do you have any comics where the women have really big b.r.e.a.s.t.s? It's ... er ... it's for an art project. Do you have any comics where the women have really big b.r.e.a.s.t.s? It's ... er ... it's for an art project.

CUSTOMER: Do you have Agatha Christie's Do you have Agatha Christie's Death in Denial Death in Denial?

CUSTOMER (holding up a book about knitting) (holding up a book about knitting) Do you think I could knit using my own hair? Do you think I could knit using my own hair?

CUSTOMER: I'd love to hold a fashion photo shoot in here. We could get models to come in and half bury themselves in books on the floor, or get them to hang from the bookshelves. Do you think your customers would mind? I'd love to hold a fashion photo shoot in here. We could get models to come in and half bury themselves in books on the floor, or get them to hang from the bookshelves. Do you think your customers would mind?

CUSTOMER: What books could I buy to make guests look at my bookshelf and think: 'Wow, that guy's intelligent'? What books could I buy to make guests look at my bookshelf and think: 'Wow, that guy's intelligent'?

CUSTOMER: We've got so many books at home that we've had to start recycling them. We've got so many books at home that we've had to start recycling them.

BOOKSELLER: You mean you're taking them to charity shops? You mean you're taking them to charity shops?

CUSTOMER: No, I mean we've actually started recycling them. You know, putting them out with the bins. No, I mean we've actually started recycling them. You know, putting them out with the bins.

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: Can books conduct electricity? Can books conduct electricity?

CUSTOMER: Who wrote Who wrote Winnie the Pooh Winnie the Pooh?

BOOKSELLER: A. A. Milne. A. A. Milne.

CUSTOMER: Ah, yes, that's right. She hasn't brought out anything new in a while, has she? Ah, yes, that's right. She hasn't brought out anything new in a while, has she?

BOOKSELLER: No, you're right, he hasn't. No, you're right, he hasn't.

CUSTOMER: Do you have any Do you have any Robin Hood Robin Hood stories where he doesn't steal from the rich? My husband's called Robin and I'd like to buy him a copy for his birthday, but he's a banker, so ... stories where he doesn't steal from the rich? My husband's called Robin and I'd like to buy him a copy for his birthday, but he's a banker, so ...

CUSTOMER: Do you have any old knitting patterns? Do you have any old knitting patterns?

BOOKSELLER: We do, as it happens, yes. They're over here. We do, as it happens, yes. They're over here.

CUSTOMER: And do you sell knitting needles? And do you sell knitting needles?

BOOKSELLER: No, I'm afraid not. No, I'm afraid not.

CUSTOMER: But I'll need those when using the old knitting patterns. But I'll need those when using the old knitting patterns.

BOOKSELLER: Well ... Well ...

CUSTOMER: And do you sell wool? And do you sell wool?

BOOKSELLER: No, just the knitting patterns and magazines. No, just the knitting patterns and magazines.

CUSTOMER: You haven't thought this through properly, have you? How am I supposed to knit a scarf without knitting needles and wool? You haven't thought this through properly, have you? How am I supposed to knit a scarf without knitting needles and wool?

BOOKSELLER: You're going to have to buy those things from another shop, I'm afraid. You're going to have to buy those things from another shop, I'm afraid.