CUSTOMER: It would be much better for me if I could buy everything in one place. It would be much better for me if I could buy everything in one place.

BOOKSELLER: Unfortunately we can't stock everything relevant to the books we have, otherwise we'd be full of gardening tools, sewing machines, cooking ingredients and paint brushes. Unfortunately we can't stock everything relevant to the books we have, otherwise we'd be full of gardening tools, sewing machines, cooking ingredients and paint brushes.

CUSTOMER: What are you talking about? I don't need any of those things. I only need wool and knitting needles. I'm not going to knit with a paintbrush! What are you talking about? I don't need any of those things. I only need wool and knitting needles. I'm not going to knit with a paintbrush!

CUSTOMER: I've always wondered how one writes a book. I've always wondered how one writes a book.

BOOKSELLER: How do you mean? How do you mean?

CUSTOMER: I mean, how did authors do it before computers were invented? I mean, how did authors do it before computers were invented?

BOOKSELLER: Well, there were typewriters and, before that, they wrote by hand. Well, there were typewriters and, before that, they wrote by hand.

CUSTOMER: You would have thought they could have invented computers faster to make writers' lives easier. You would have thought they could have invented computers faster to make writers' lives easier.

BOOKSELLER: ... yes... . yes.

CUSTOMER: And then, now that they have computers, is there a program that they use? And then, now that they have computers, is there a program that they use?

BOOKSELLER: A program? A program?

CUSTOMER: A computer program that you know, puts everything in the right order. Tells you what to name your characters and things. A computer program that you know, puts everything in the right order. Tells you what to name your characters and things.

BOOKSELLER: No, I don't think so. Well, I'm sure that there are programs with guidelines but I don't think people tend to use them. They just write. No, I don't think so. Well, I'm sure that there are programs with guidelines but I don't think people tend to use them. They just write.

CUSTOMER: They just write? They just write?

BOOKSELLER: Yes, they just write the story they want to tell. Yes, they just write the story they want to tell.

CUSTOMER: So they just use something like Word? So they just use something like Word?

BOOKSELLER: Yes, I guess so. Yes, I guess so.

CUSTOMER: But, you see, that's what I really don't understand. But, you see, that's what I really don't understand.

BOOKSELLER: What? What?

CUSTOMER: Well Word doc.u.ments are A4 size, and a book is never that big. It's a lot smaller. Well Word doc.u.ments are A4 size, and a book is never that big. It's a lot smaller.

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: So, how on earth do they get it all to fit? So, how on earth do they get it all to fit?

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: Do you have any books on j.a.pan? Do you have any books on j.a.pan?

BOOKSELLER: Sure. A travel guide or a history? Sure. A travel guide or a history?

CUSTOMER: Yes. Yes.

BOOKSELLER: Which one? Which one?

CUSTOMER: Both. Both.

BOOKSELLER: Right. Right.

CUSTOMER: ... And it should also have stories for children... . And it should also have stories for children.

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: Ill.u.s.trated. Ill.u.s.trated.

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: And it has to be a hardback, not a paperback. And it should be a good price. And it has to be a hardback, not a paperback. And it should be a good price.

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: A really nice old edition, with a modern twist. A really nice old edition, with a modern twist.

BOOKSELLER: ... I'm really not sure what kind of book you're looking for... . I'm really not sure what kind of book you're looking for.

other bookshops bookshopsCUSTOMER: Do you sell reading books? Do you sell reading books?

BOOKSELLER: Errr ... Errr ...

CUSTOMER: You know, books you can read? You know, books you can read?

BOOKSELLER: Did you have anything in mind? Fiction? Biography? Any other subject? Did you have anything in mind? Fiction? Biography? Any other subject?

CUSTOMER: Just reading. Just reading.

BOOKSELLER: Oh, sorry, do you mean books on learning how to read? My mistake. Yes, I can show you ... Oh, sorry, do you mean books on learning how to read? My mistake. Yes, I can show you ...

CUSTOMER (interrupts) (interrupts): NO! I JUST WANT A BOOK TO READ!

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: I'm always on night shift at work. I'm always on night shift at work.

BOOKSELLER (jokingly) (jokingly): Is that why you're buying so many vampire novels?

CUSTOMER (seriously) (seriously): You can never be too prepared.

Lauretta Nagel: Constellation Books, Reisterstown, Maryland, USA. Constellation Books, Reisterstown, Maryland, USA.

CUSTOMER: I've just been to the funeral parlour to make arrangements should anything happen to me, and to give them my directions for the service. Can I have my funeral service in your shop? I've just been to the funeral parlour to make arrangements should anything happen to me, and to give them my directions for the service. Can I have my funeral service in your shop?

BOOKSELLER (nervous giggle) (nervous giggle): Well, I um ... you're not serious are you?

CUSTOMER: Well, it would be just wonderful wouldn't it ... I mean, not the furnace part, obviously, but the service. Well, it would be just wonderful wouldn't it ... I mean, not the furnace part, obviously, but the service.

BOOKSELLER: Erm ... Erm ...

Sam Barnes: Books and Ink Bookshop, Banbury, UK. Books and Ink Bookshop, Banbury, UK.

MAN: (sidles up to counter and whispers) (sidles up to counter and whispers): Hi ...

BOOKSELLER: h.e.l.lo? h.e.l.lo?

MAN: Do you sell condoms? Do you sell condoms?

BOOKSELLER: ... Sorry, no, this is a bookshop... . Sorry, no, this is a bookshop.

MAN: Oh ... It's just my girlfriend's out in the car, and we're getting a bit desperate ... Oh ... It's just my girlfriend's out in the car, and we're getting a bit desperate ...

BOOKSELLER: Hmm. Have you tried the service station just out there? Hmm. Have you tried the service station just out there?

MAN: Oh. No. But are you sure you couldn't just lend me one? Oh. No. But are you sure you couldn't just lend me one?

BOOKSELLER: Sorry, no ... Try the service station. Sorry, no ... Try the service station.

MAN: OK. Thanks ... Better run. OK. Thanks ... Better run.

Andrea Jutson: Whitcoulls Bookshop, Auckland, New Zealand. Whitcoulls Bookshop, Auckland, New Zealand.

EMAIL FROM CUSTOMER: Please, I would like to know if this book has any mildew smell. If not I will order it as soon as possible. I have one copy but don't like the smell. Thank you. Please, I would like to know if this book has any mildew smell. If not I will order it as soon as possible. I have one copy but don't like the smell. Thank you.

CUSTOMER: This is John. John is five years old. He's hungry. Do you want to keep him? This is John. John is five years old. He's hungry. Do you want to keep him?

BOOKSELLER: ... ?! ... ?!

Nina Grahmann: Thalia Bookshop, Europa Pa.s.sage, Hamburg, Germany. Thalia Bookshop, Europa Pa.s.sage, Hamburg, Germany.

CUSTOMER: I've searched your Shakespeare section high and low, and I can't find a copy of I've searched your Shakespeare section high and low, and I can't find a copy of Of Mice and Men Of Mice and Men anywhere. anywhere.

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

Tom Atherton: Borders, Llantrisant, UK Borders, Llantrisant, UK