CUSTOMER's FRIEND: Jesus. Jesus.

CUSTOMER: It's amazing, isn't it, how little we really know about writers' lives? Especially the old ones. It's amazing, isn't it, how little we really know about writers' lives? Especially the old ones.

BOOKSELLER: I guess the lives of writers have changed a lot. I guess the lives of writers have changed a lot.

CUSTOMER: Yes. And don't forget about those women who used to write under male names. Yes. And don't forget about those women who used to write under male names.

BOOKSELLER: Yes, like George Eliot. Yes, like George Eliot.

CUSTOMER: I always thought Charles d.i.c.kens was probably a woman. I always thought Charles d.i.c.kens was probably a woman.

BOOKSELLER: ... I'm pretty sure Charles d.i.c.kens was a man... . I'm pretty sure Charles d.i.c.kens was a man.

CUSTOMER: But who's to say? But who's to say?

BOOKSELLER: Well, he was pretty prominent in society; lots of people saw him. Well, he was pretty prominent in society; lots of people saw him.

CUSTOMER: But maybe that was all a show maybe that was her brother, whilst But maybe that was all a show maybe that was her brother, whilst Charlene Charlene was at home, writing. was at home, writing.

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: I've forgotten my gla.s.ses, could you read the beginning of this book to me to see if I like it? I've forgotten my gla.s.ses, could you read the beginning of this book to me to see if I like it?

(Bookseller puts book that the customer has bought into a paper bag) CUSTOMER: Don't you have a plastic bag? I'm sick of all this recycling nonsense. It's not doing any of us any good. Don't you have a plastic bag? I'm sick of all this recycling nonsense. It's not doing any of us any good.

CUSTOMER: Where do you keep your maps? Where do you keep your maps?

BOOKSELLER: Over here, what kind of map are you looking for? A county, the UK, Europe, a world map? Over here, what kind of map are you looking for? A county, the UK, Europe, a world map?

CUSTOMER: I want a map of the sun. I want a map of the sun.

CUSTOMER: Is your poetry section split up into rhyming and non-rhyming sections? Is your poetry section split up into rhyming and non-rhyming sections?

BOOKSELLER: No, it's just in alphabetical order. What kind of poetry are you looking for? No, it's just in alphabetical order. What kind of poetry are you looking for?

CUSTOMER: Rhyming. Preferably iambic pentameter, in poems of no more than ten lines, by a female poet. But, other than that, I don't mind. Rhyming. Preferably iambic pentameter, in poems of no more than ten lines, by a female poet. But, other than that, I don't mind.

CUSTOMER: I'm going to America next year and I'd like to read about it before I go. I'm going to America next year and I'd like to read about it before I go.

BOOKSELLER: Sure, our travel section's probably your best bet. Sure, our travel section's probably your best bet.

CUSTOMER: No, I don't think so ... Do you have any stories about cowboys and Indians? No, I don't think so ... Do you have any stories about cowboys and Indians?

BOOKSELLER: ... ...

CUSTOMER: You don't have a very good selection of books. You don't have a very good selection of books.

BOOKSELLER: We've got over ten thousand books. We've got over ten thousand books.

CUSTOMER: Well, you don't have the book I've written! Well, you don't have the book I've written!

(Storms out)

(Phone rings) BOOKSELLER: h.e.l.lo, Ripping Yarns bookshop. h.e.l.lo, Ripping Yarns bookshop.

CUSTOMER: Hi there. If I buy a book and pay for it over the phone, could you bring it over the road to my house? I just live round the corner. Hi there. If I buy a book and pay for it over the phone, could you bring it over the road to my house? I just live round the corner.

BOOKSELLER: Are you unable to leave your house? Are you unable to leave your house?

CUSTOMER: Well, no ... but it's raining. Well, no ... but it's raining.

CUSTOMER: Do you have that Enid Blyton series? Not the Do you have that Enid Blyton series? Not the Secret Seven Secret Seven the other one. the other one.

BOOKSELLER: The Five Find Outers The Five Find Outers? The Famous Five The Famous Five?

CUSTOMER: Yes, Yes, The Famous Five, The Famous Five, that's the one. The one with the trans.e.xual. that's the one. The one with the trans.e.xual.

CUSTOMER: You should consider arranging your books by size and colour. You should consider arranging your books by size and colour.

BOOKSELLER: But then no one would be able to find anything. But then no one would be able to find anything.

CUSTOMER: Well, that doesn't matter. It'd look pretty. Well, that doesn't matter. It'd look pretty.

CUSTOMER: Do you have the time? Do you have the time?

BOOKSELLER: Yes. It's just after four o'clock. Yes. It's just after four o'clock.

CUSTOMER: No, it isn't. No, it isn't.

CUSTOMER: Hi, I've got a book on reserve and I've come to pick it up. Hi, I've got a book on reserve and I've come to pick it up.

BOOKSELLER: Sure, what's your name, and what was the t.i.tle of the book? Sure, what's your name, and what was the t.i.tle of the book?

CUSTOMER: My name's Stuart and it was volume one of My name's Stuart and it was volume one of The Waverley Children's Dictionary. The Waverley Children's Dictionary.

BOOKSELLER: I'm sorry, I can't see that on our reserve shelf. When did you come in and reserve it? I'm sorry, I can't see that on our reserve shelf. When did you come in and reserve it?

CUSTOMER: Oh, it was a fair while ago now. Oh, it was a fair while ago now.

BOOKSELLER: A couple of weeks? A couple of weeks?

CUSTOMER: No ... more like a year and a half. No ... more like a year and a half.

BOOKSELLER: I'm afraid we only reserve books for a month and then they have to go back out in the shop. We don't have the s.p.a.ce to keep them to one side for longer. I'm afraid we only reserve books for a month and then they have to go back out in the shop. We don't have the s.p.a.ce to keep them to one side for longer.

CUSTOMER: But I was really looking forward to reading that! But I was really looking forward to reading that!

CUSTOMER: Hi, do you sell Christmas trees? Hi, do you sell Christmas trees?

BOOKSELLER: No ... No ...

CUSTOMER: Oh. I thought it was worth asking because you've got lots of Christmas books in the window. Oh. I thought it was worth asking because you've got lots of Christmas books in the window.

CUSTOMER: Who do I speak to about me selling you some books? Who do I speak to about me selling you some books?

BOOKSELLER: That would be me. That would be me.

CUSTOMER: Where's your boss? Is he not here? Where's your boss? Is he not here?

BOOKSELLER: The owner of the shop isn't here, she's at home. The owner of the shop isn't here, she's at home.

CUSTOMER: And who's her boss? What's his name? And who's her boss? What's his name?

BOOKSELLER: She She is is the boss. the boss.

CUSTOMER: Oh. Well you're all modern, aren't you? Oh. Well you're all modern, aren't you?

CUSTOMER: Do you have any of those books where you can change the names of the main character to the name of the person you're giving the book to? Do you have Do you have any of those books where you can change the names of the main character to the name of the person you're giving the book to? Do you have Alice in Wonderland, Alice in Wonderland, but not Alice, I'd like but not Alice, I'd like Sarah in Wonderland Sarah in Wonderland.

BOOKSELLER: I'm afraid you have to buy those from the publisher, as they're a print on demand service. I'm afraid you have to buy those from the publisher, as they're a print on demand service.

CUSTOMER: Yeah, I don't really have time to do that. Do you have a copy of Yeah, I don't really have time to do that. Do you have a copy of Alice Alice? Then I can buy some Tipp-ex or something, and edit it.

CUSTOMER (holding up a copy of Ulysses) (holding up a copy of Ulysses): Why is this book so long? Isn't it supposed to be set in one day only? How can this many pages of things happen to one person in one day? I mean, I get up, have breakfast, go to work, come home... sometimes I might go out for a drink, and that's it! And, I mean, that doesn't fill a book, does it?

CUSTOMER: Do you have any jobs going? Do you have any jobs going?

BOOKSELLER: Have you worked in a bookshop before? Have you worked in a bookshop before?

CUSTOMER: No. No.

BOOKSELLER: I take it you enjoy reading? I take it you enjoy reading?

CUSTOMER: No, I don't read at all. No, I don't read at all.

BOOKSELLER: So... why do you want to work in a bookshop? So... why do you want to work in a bookshop?