BOOKSELLER: I don't know. How long have you been playing? I don't know. How long have you been playing?

CUSTOMER: Oh, I don't know how to play, I thought I'd just try. Oh, I don't know how to play, I thought I'd just try.

BOOKSELLER: Right. Can you read sheet music? Right. Can you read sheet music?

CUSTOMER: Well ... sure ... it's just the alphabet, isn't it? Well ... sure ... it's just the alphabet, isn't it?

CUSTOMER: Do you have a book on the Enlightenment? Do you have a book on the Enlightenment?

BOOKSELLER: Sure. Sure.

CUSTOMER: Excellent. My son's just about to start studying it at school. It's all about the light bulb being invented, right? Excellent. My son's just about to start studying it at school. It's all about the light bulb being invented, right?

CUSTOMER: Oh, sorry. I thought you were the Post Office.... You're not, are you? Oh, sorry. I thought you were the Post Office.... You're not, are you?

MAN: (bursting through the bookshop door) (bursting through the bookshop door) Oi! Could you keep it down? We're trying to film something outside. Oi! Could you keep it down? We're trying to film something outside.

BOOKSELLER: ... I'm not making any noise... . I'm not making any noise.

MAN: Well, it looked like you were about to. Well, it looked like you were about to.

BOOKSELLER: ... It's just me and the books here; we're not going to have a raucous party... . It's just me and the books here; we're not going to have a raucous party.

MAN: Yeah, well, just make sure you don't. Yeah, well, just make sure you don't.

CUSTOMER: I've got some books I'd like to sell I've got some books I'd like to sell (plonks them on the desk) (plonks them on the desk). I'd like twenty five quid for the lot.

BOOKSELLER: Didn't you buy these from us last week? Didn't you buy these from us last week?

CUSTOMER: Yes. Yes.

BOOKSELLER: I see they've still got our prices in. I see they've still got our prices in.

CUSTOMER: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

BOOKSELLER: ... You didn't even pay twenty five pounds for these in the first place... . You didn't even pay twenty five pounds for these in the first place.

CUSTOMER: Yes, but they're older now than they were last week, see. So they must be worth more. Yes, but they're older now than they were last week, see. So they must be worth more.

BOOKSELLER: Hi, can I help? Hi, can I help?

CUSTOMER: Yes. I've got a copy of Yes. I've got a copy of The Secrets of Houdini The Secrets of Houdini that I'd like to sell. It's very rare. And it's signed by Houdini himself. that I'd like to sell. It's very rare. And it's signed by Houdini himself.

BOOKSELLER: Actually signed by Houdini? Actually signed by Houdini?

CUSTOMER: Yes. Yes. (hands book over) (hands book over) BOOKSELLER: Ah Ah (upon noticing signature to frontispiece), (upon noticing signature to frontispiece), I'm pretty sure that this signature is actually part of the printing. I'm pretty sure that this signature is actually part of the printing.

CUSTOMER: Why? Why?

BOOKSELLER: Because the date next to the signature is 1924. Because the date next to the signature is 1924.

CUSTOMER: So? So?

BOOKSELLER: Well, this book was printed in 1932. Well, this book was printed in 1932.

CUSTOMER: Perhaps the date on the signature actually reads 1934. Perhaps the date on the signature actually reads 1934.

BOOKSELLER: In that case, the signature is fake. In that case, the signature is fake.

CUSTOMER: Why? Why?

BOOKSELLER: Because Houdini died in 1926. Because Houdini died in 1926.

CUSTOMER: But if you feel the signature, you can tell that it's ridged. It doesn't feel like the rest of the page. But if you feel the signature, you can tell that it's ridged. It doesn't feel like the rest of the page.

BOOKSELLER: Yes, I see what you mean, it's almost like someone's gone over it with a pencil, isn't it? Yes, I see what you mean, it's almost like someone's gone over it with a pencil, isn't it?

CUSTOMER (frowning) (frowning): That is a genuine genuine Houdini signature. Houdini signature.

BOOKSELLER: I a.s.sure you; it's part of the printing. I a.s.sure you; it's part of the printing.

CUSTOMER: He signed the book himself. He signed the book himself.

BOOKSELLER: And dated it 1924? In a book published in 1932? Six years after he died? And dated it 1924? In a book published in 1932? Six years after he died?

CUSTOMER: ... Perhaps it was his last unsolvable act of magic... . Perhaps it was his last unsolvable act of magic.

BOOKSELLER: Unfortunately I don't think that Houdini's last cryptic trick was to come back from the dead, sign your book, and make you a whole lot of money. Unfortunately I don't think that Houdini's last cryptic trick was to come back from the dead, sign your book, and make you a whole lot of money.

In June CUSTOMER: When's the London Book Fair? When's the London Book Fair?

BOOKSELLER: It was on in April. It was on in April.

CUSTOMER: So ... it's not on right now, then? So ... it's not on right now, then?

CUSTOMER: You must get so much time to read, just sitting here surrounded by books. You must get so much time to read, just sitting here surrounded by books.

BOOKSELLER: What is it you do? What is it you do?

CUSTOMER: Me? I work in a clothes shop. Me? I work in a clothes shop.

BOOKSELLER: Well, you must get so much time to try clothes on, just standing there, surrounded by clothes. Well, you must get so much time to try clothes on, just standing there, surrounded by clothes.

CUSTOMER: I'm looking for a book about this big I'm looking for a book about this big (indicates size). (indicates size). I've got a s.p.a.ce on my bookshelf and I need to fill it. It's really bugging me. I've got a s.p.a.ce on my bookshelf and I need to fill it. It's really bugging me.

BOOKSELLER: What kind of book would you like? What kind of book would you like?

CUSTOMER: I don't care, just as long as it's this exact size. I don't care, just as long as it's this exact size.

CUSTOMER: Do you have any second hand crosswords? Do you have any second hand crosswords?

BOOKSELLER: You mean crosswords that have already been filled in? You mean crosswords that have already been filled in?

CUSTOMER: Yes. I love crosswords, but they're ever so difficult. Yes. I love crosswords, but they're ever so difficult.

CUSTOMER: Which way is it to Highgate cemetery? Which way is it to Highgate cemetery? (Bookseller hands over a map) (Bookseller hands over a map) CUSTOMER: Thanks. And that vampire that used to live there... he's dead now, right? Thanks. And that vampire that used to live there... he's dead now, right?

(On putting the key in the door of the bookshop to open up in the morning, a customer comes up) BOOKSELLER: Excuse me, sorry, I'm afraid I'm not open yet. If you could wait two seconds and I'll get the boxes out of the way and put the lights on. Excuse me, sorry, I'm afraid I'm not open yet. If you could wait two seconds and I'll get the boxes out of the way and put the lights on.

CUSTOMER: Oh, don't worry, I'll only be a second. Oh, don't worry, I'll only be a second. (Barges past into bookshop) (Barges past into bookshop)

CUSTOMER: I've got some books to sell. I've got some books to sell.

BOOKSELLER: Hi, thanks. I'm just serving some customers at the moment. Could you join the back of the queue? Hi, thanks. I'm just serving some customers at the moment. Could you join the back of the queue?

CUSTOMER: Er, I'm selling you books, I'm here for Er, I'm selling you books, I'm here for your your benefit. benefit.

BOOKSELLER: These other people are here to buy books, they are also here for the shop's benefit. These other people are here to buy books, they are also here for the shop's benefit.

CUSTOMER: You've got thirty seconds to buy them, or I'm leaving. You need to learn to prioritise. You've got thirty seconds to buy them, or I'm leaving. You need to learn to prioritise.

CUSTOMER (to her friend, upon opening a copy of The Lord of the Rings) (to her friend, upon opening a copy of The Lord of the Rings): Oh, look, this one's got a map in the front.

CUSTOMER'S FRIEND: Oh yeah. Where's it of? Oh yeah. Where's it of?

CUSTOMER: Mor... Mor-dor. Mor... Mor-dor.

CUSTOMER'S FRIEND: Oh. Where's that then? Oh. Where's that then?

CUSTOMER: Hi, I just wanted to check: are you a bookshop, or are you a library? Hi, I just wanted to check: are you a bookshop, or are you a library?

BOOKSELLER: ... We're a bookshop... . We're a bookshop.

CUSTOMER: You should probably have a sign saying that somewhere; it's confusing. You should probably have a sign saying that somewhere; it's confusing.

BOOKSELLER: We have a big sign outside that says 'Ripping Yarns Bookshop.' We have a big sign outside that says 'Ripping Yarns Bookshop.'

CUSTOMER: Yes, well, that's ambivalent, isn't it? Yes, well, that's ambivalent, isn't it?

BOOKSELLER: It is? It is?

CUSTOMER: Who wrote the Bible? I can't remember. Who wrote the Bible? I can't remember.