As the great American philosopher and psychologist William James suggested, when you are attempting to make a change, you need to make the resolve deep, seize the first moment of initiative to act on that resolve, and allow no exceptions. The most important thing is to make the commitment to do it: "Once a week, no matter what, we will have family time together." If you can, set aside a specific night to do it. Schedule it on your family calendar. You may have to change that night occasionally if something really urgent comes up, but if this happens, immediately reschedule it for another time during the week. You'll have a much better chance of doing this on a regular basis if you set aside a specific night of the week. Furthermore, you want to communicate to your children the importance of a specific family time when they're little, before the onslaught of the teenage social agenda.

And no matter what happens in your family meeting, don't get discouraged. We've had family meetings where two of our nine children (teenage sons, of course) were sprawled out on the couch asleep, and some of the others were climbing the walls. We've had meetings that basically started out as a big fight and ended up in prayer. We've even had meetings where people were being so noisy, so disrespectful that we've said, "Okay, we've had it! You come and get us when you're ready to meet!" and walked out. Usually they asked us to stay. When we did leave, we always came back later and apologized.

The point I'm trying to make is this: It's not always easy. And it's usually not convenient. Sometimes you even wonder whether your children are getting anything out of it. In fact, you may not be able to see the real results for years.

But it's like the story of the man in the railroad station in St. Louis who accidentally moved a small piece of railroad track a mere three inches. As a result the train that was supposed to arrive in Newark, New Jersey, ended up in a station in New Orleans, Louisiana, some thirteen hundred miles away. Any change-even a tiny one-in your direction today will make a significant difference hundreds of miles down the road.

Maria (daughter): I remember times when we'd have our weekly family meetings and Sean and David were lying on the couches sound asleep. Catherine would be saying, "My boyfriend's trying to call, and we've got the phone off the hook!" I'm sure at the time our parents wondered, "Are they getting anything at all out of these meetings?"

Catherine (daughter): I remember being difficult in those meetings sometimes. But as I grew up and left home, I often thought about specific things I learned then. They made a real difference in my life. And that's very encouraging to me because now I look at my own children and think, "Are they getting anything from this?" And I realize that even though it sometimes seems as if they're not, they really are. Foundations are being laid that will make a huge difference down the road. Just the fact that we're doing it, that we're trying, is tremendously important.

We've held weekly meetings in our family for over thirty years now, and as I look back and as I talk with our grown children about this experience, I am absolutely convinced that it has been one of the most powerful, one of the most significant forces in keeping our family on track.

One-on-One Bonding Times

Perhaps you've seen the compelling mountain scene poster with the invitation at the bottom: "Let the mountain have you for a day." Magnificent nature draws us into itself. We feel more relaxed, more at peace, more tranquil, more at home.

The same thing takes place in a human relationship when you spend time with another person. Perhaps we should change that slogan to: "Let your spouse have you for a day" or "Let your child have you for an afternoon" or "Let your teenager have you for an evening." In this mode-in a relaxed state of mind-you are, in a sense, letting the other have his or her way with you. Now I'm not talking about compromising principles or becoming soft and permissive and indulging someone else's lower nature whims. What I am talking about is being "completely present" with another person, about transcending your own personal interests and concerns and fears and needs and ego, about being fully with your husband, wife, son, or daughter, and allowing that person to have his or her interests and goals expressed or worked on, subordinating your agenda to the other's.

Times such as these have been so meaningful and so pivotal in our family life that I would say, without doubt, that the second most absolutely foundational family structure to create is these one-on-one bonding times. These one-on-ones are where most of the real work of the family is done. This is where there is the deepest nurturing of heart and soul. This is where the most significant sharing, the most profound teaching, the deepest bonding takes place.

As the late Dag Hammarskjold, past secretary general of the United Nations, has said, "It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses." One-on-one bonding times provide the opportunity for you to give yourself to the one.

One-on-Ones in a Marriage

There is no way I can describe the value of private time with Sandra. For many years the two of us have shared some time together each day. When we're both in town, we go for a ride on our Honda Scooter. We spend time away from children, away from phones, away from office and home and other people and everything else that might divert us or distract us. We ride up into the foothills and just talk. We share what's going on in our lives. We discuss any issues or concerns. We role-play situations in the family that we need to address and resolve. And when we can't be together, we talk on the telephone-often several times a day. That rich communication, that bonding, builds our marriage and strengthens it so that we go into the family arena with deep love and respect for each other and with a tremendous sense of unity that helps us pull together instead of apart.

We have some married friends who enjoy one-on-one time together in a different way. Every Friday night they arrange for their children to be cared for while they spend several hours together just focused on building their relationship. They go out to dinner, to a movie, or to a play, or just take a hike in the mountains and photograph wildflowers. And they have done this for nearly thirty years. They also go on a "retreat" together once or twice or year. They often use frequent-flyer miles and go to California, where they walk barefoot on the beach, watch the waves, review their marriage mission statement, and work on their goals for the coming year. And then they go back into their family life renewed and refocused. They feel so strongly about the value of this one-on-one time in their marriage that they sometimes tend their grandchildren so that their married children and their spouses can also have this special renewing time together.

This kind of "retreat" time is vital to a marriage and a family. There is a tremendous need for husbands and wives to sit down together and carefully plan or, in a sense, mentally or spiritually create their own future. Planning isn't easy. It requires thinking, and many of us are so busy following hectic schedules, being tyrannized by the telephone, and meeting small crises that we go for long periods without any deep, meaningful communication with our husband or wife. Yet planning is of overwhelming significance in any endeavor of life, and certainly it must be in the most important endeavor: successfully raising a family. It must play a vital, central role because it brings enormous benefits. When a couple comes together to work through matters in their shared stewardship-particularly in dealing with children-it opens the floodgates to synergy, insight, and strengthened resolve. The insights are more profound and the solutions more practical and workable-and the entire process is enormously bonding and unifying to the relationship.

In doing the research for this book, I've found that many couples find different ways to have regular, meaningful one-on-one time together. A mother with older children shared this: Three to four nights a week our kids tuck us in. We go to our room an hour before the kids go to bed. That's when we unwind. We talk together. Sometimes we listen to music or watch TV. We share our experiences at work. We talk through issues in the family. We help balance each other out.

This together time makes a huge difference in our family life. When we get home from work, we no longer let our needs supersede the children's needs. We just kind of let ourselves go, because we know that when 10:30 comes, we'll have our time together. So we just focus on the family and the kids and getting the house picked up and the laundry done and the dog fed, because we know that at the end of the day, we're going to have some quality time together.

And the kids understand and do not interfere with that time. Unless it's something really important, they never knock. They don't call. They don't try to get in. And they never complain because they know what this time means to us as a couple. And they know that if we're a strong couple, we're going to have a stronger family.

For us, this works better than going out on a date where there are things that interfere with your private time-a waiter, people you run into, and so on. This is more than a date, it's a commitment to a true reuniting on a daily basis-a reaffirming of why we are together, why we fell in love, why we chose each other.

I think to remind yourself of that daily is probably the greatest gift any couple can give each other. You get into a routine. You get so busy and focused on other things that as time goes by you don't even realize what you're missing. But time together like this reunites you and reminds you of what you are missing.

And you don't let it die. You just don't.

In my own family I've noticed that my one-on-one time with Sandra strengthens the entire family tremendously. As someone said, "The greatest thing you can do for your children is love your spouse." The strength of this bonding in the marriage creates a sense of security in the entire family. This is because the most significant relationship in the family by far is that of husband and wife. The quality of that relationship truly governs the quality of family life. And even when there have been problems and a breaking of that relationship, it is very important that the parents are civil toward each other and that one never attacks the other in front of the children or even behind the children's backs. The "vibes" get out, and children will take it personally. They will identify-particularly if they are young and impressionable.

I remember one time revealing my dislike for a particular person, and my six-year-old son Joshua immediately said to me, "Dad, do you like me?" In other words, he was saying, "If you are capable of that attitude or sentiment toward that person, you are also capable of it toward me. And I want the reassurance that you don't feel that way."

Children get much of their sense of security from the way their mother and father treat each other. So building the marriage relationship will have a powerful effect on the entire family culture.

One-on-Ones with Children

It's also vital to spend one-on-one time with each child for which the child usually writes the agenda. This means time between one parent and one child. Remember, as soon as a third person is introduced, the dynamic changes. And it may be appropriate at times to have that dynamic change. Both mother and father may spend time with one child, or two children may spend time with one parent. Generally, however, the basic relationship-building time is one-on-one. Doing this well and often strikes at the root of sibling rivalry.

One-on-ones with children include private visits, private dates, private teaching moments, and private times together in which the full emotional and social dynamic is deepened and there develops a sense of unconditional love, of positive regard and respect that does not change, is never altered. These special bonding times build the assurance that when troubles and problems come along, the relationship can be depended on, relied on. They help to create a changeless core that-along with changeless principles-enables people to live with constant external change.

Catherine (daughter): I remember when I was ten years old and loved Star Wars. It was everything to me. So when my turn came for a one-on-one date with my dad, I wanted to see Star Wars, even though I'd already seen it four times.

The thought crossed my mind that this might be a problem because my dad might prefer getting his teeth pulled than having to watch science fiction. But when he asked me what I wanted to do with him that night, it was my agenda he had in mind-not his. "We'll do anything you want to do, Catherine," he said. "It's your night."

To a ten-year-old, this sounded like a dream come true: a night alone with my father and seeing my favorite movie, too. So I told him about the plan. I could sense a slight hesitation before he said with a smile, "Star Wars! Sounds great! You can explain it to me." And away we went.

As we settled down in our theater seats, popcorn and candy in hand, I remember feeling so important to my father. When the music began and the lights dimmed, I began my soft explanation. I told him about "the force" and how it was good. I told him about the empire and how it was evil. I told him that this was the saga of the never-ending battle between these amazing powers. Throughout the movie I explained the planets, the creatures, the droids, the spaceships-anything that seemed foreign or strange to my dad. He sat in silence, nodding his head and listening.

After the show, we went for ice cream, and I continued my explanation of the movie with all the emotion of my heart, all the while answering the many questions my dad threw at me.

At the end of the evening he thanked me for going on a private date with him and for opening up his mind to the world of science fiction. As I was falling asleep that night in my bed, I openly thanked God for giving me a father who cared, who listened, and who made me feel important to him. I never knew whether or not he liked Star Wars the way I did, but I did know that he loved me. And that's all that mattered.

Nothing communicates the value you place on a child or your relationship with that child more than giving your time to the child.

One woman told us her greatest childhood memory was her father taking her out to a McDonald's breakfast every other week for almost ten years. He would then drop her off at school before going to work.

A mother of five sons shared her insights about the deep bonding that resulted from consistent one-on-ones with a son: The other day I took my twenty-two-year-old son Brandon out to lunch. As we ate together, we started talking about a number of things in his life, including his classes at school, his and his wife's plans for the future, and so on. Through the process he jokingly said, "Mom, I really don't know what I want to be when I grow up!"

I said, "Well, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, either! Life changes as you go along, but sometimes you just have to focus on one thing and remain open to the possibility of change."

We had a great discussion brainstorming possibilities for his future and ended up with ideas he had never considered before: getting a degree in international business and a minor in Portuguese and doing business in Brazil.

We had a wonderful time just being together and sharing, and as I thought about it later, I realized that this was something that didn't just happen. As a result of writing my personal mission statement years ago, I decided to set a goal of having special one-on-one time with each of my sons during the month. I started this tradition when they were in elementary school, and I certainly wasn't perfect in doing it. But it has really made a difference in our relationships. I don't think there is any way I could have had this kind of one-on-one time with my son when he was twenty-two if we hadn't started doing it when he was younger. This is something we've developed together and feel comfortable with as we go through life with each other.

I have come to realize that as kids get older, parents need to make the transition from being "the parent" to being a best friend. My one-on-ones with my children through the years have made that transition much, much easier because we have a friendship already.

Many one-on-ones can be scheduled on your family calendar. But this woman also observed that you can't always plan ahead for quality one-on-one time.

In addition to our planned one-on-ones, there were times when my husband or I could tell that one of our sons was a little on edge. As parents, we'd try to pick up on that and arrange time to talk. Usually Dave would take him fishing or I would take him to lunch. Dave and I tried to take turns. We didn't both go because we didn't want our boys to feel that their parents were ganging up on them.

When our boys felt comfortable, they would usually share what was on their minds. Sometimes it was something that was happening with the other boys that they didn't like. Sometimes it was a problem at school-they felt a particular teacher didn't like them or they were behind in their homework and didn't know how to make it up.

We'd say, "Would you like to go back home and discuss it? Would you like us to help you with this?" It was always their decision. We recognized that they needed to learn how to make decisions and fix things for themselves. But we also realized that everyone needs someone to talk to, to give additional perspective, to help with exploring options.

This is not something you can always plan. It has to be in you. It has to be part of your heart. It has to come naturally out of being a kind, caring parent who can look at your children and realize that things are not okay and that you need to spend some one-on-one time. Your child needs you.

The most important thing is that family comes first, no matter what. We are convinced that if we put family first, we won't have the crises in our family that take months, even years of trying to fix. We'll nip it in the bud, right at the beginning.

Notice that even more than a matter of scheduling, prioritizing the family is a way of thinking. It's constantly reconnecting with the importance of family, and acting based on that value rather than reacting to whatever is happening at the moment.

"I Don't Care How Much You Know Until I Know How Much You Care"

I will never forget an experience I had with one of our daughters during one of our one-on-one times. She seemed very cross, very irritable, and had been acting that way toward everyone in the house. When I asked her what was wrong, she'd say, "Oh, nothing."

One of the ground rules Sandra and I have in our one-on-ones with the children is that we always let them talk about whatever they want to talk about for as long as they want to talk. They can beef about something, they can complain or moan to their heart's content, and we can't give any advice unless they ask for it. In other words, as parents we simply seek to understand.

So I just listened. As a young adult, this daughter looked back on that experience and wrote the following: Cynthia (daughter): When I was five years old, my parents moved to Belfast, Ireland, for three years. I picked up on my playmates' Irish accent, and when I returned to third grade, I had a strong Irish brogue.

Because I had lived in Ireland, I hadn't learned to play American games such as kick the can, baseball, capture the flag, or jump rope rhymes, and I felt very out of it. I could sense the kids in my class thought I was different because they couldn't understand me, and I didn't know how to play any of the games they had been playing for years.

My teacher stuck me in speech therapy to get rid of my accent and tried to help me catch up academically because I lagged far behind. I was having trouble especially in math but was afraid to admit that I didn't know some of the basics. I didn't want to stand out any more, and I longed to be accepted and have friends.

Instead of asking for help in math, I discovered that all the answers to our worksheets were on cards in the back of the room. I began sneaking those cards out and then copying the answers without being caught. It seemed for a time all my problems were solved. In my heart I knew it was wrong, but it seemed to me the end justified the means. I began getting attention from the teacher and other students for doing so well. In fact, I was presented as the model student who worked hard, finished my work quickly, and consistently scored the highest in the class.

It was wonderful for a while because I was popular and a lot of kids liked me. But my conscience kept after me because I knew I had betrayed myself and what my parents had always taught me about honesty. I wanted to stop. I was so ashamed of cheating. But now I was in a trap and didn't know how to get out of it without totally humiliating myself. I had to keep cheating because the teacher expected me to do well every time now. I was miserable, and the problem seemed insurmountable to an eight-year-old with no way out.

I knew I should tell my parents what was happening, but I was too embarrassed because I was the oldest. I began acting out at home, losing my temper easily because of the pressure of dealing with this problem alone. My parents told me later that they could sense something was very wrong in my life, but they didn't know what it was.

In Ireland, we had started the practice of having "private interviews" with a parent once a month. This was a time when we could talk about anything we wanted, complain about home duties or unfairness shown, talk about our friends or anything that interested us, give ideas for activities, share problems, or whatever. The rule was that Mom or Dad could only listen-not talk or criticize, or give advice or suggestions without being invited to. We all looked forward to our private interviews.

During one of these interviews, my dad let me go off about some injustice I felt my parents dealt me without defending himself or getting angry. He could sense that wasn't the real problem, and he just let me talk. Finally, when I felt accepted and not condemned, I cautiously started to open up a little to sense his reaction. He asked if things were going well in school and if I was happy there. Defensively, I blurted out, "If you only knew, you'd think I was terrible! I can't tell you about it."

For a few minutes he affirmed his unconditional love and acceptance of me, and I felt his sincerity. I had opened up on other occasions about things without rebuke, and so I felt I could trust him with the awful truth.

Suddenly it just blurted from me, and I found myself crying and yelling, "I'M CHEATING IN MATH!" Then I fell into his arms. It was such a relief to get it out, even though I couldn't see a solution and feared the consequences. I had shared my terrible secret with my father, and I still felt his love and support of me in spite of it.

I remember him saying, "Oh, how awful for you to have had this inside you for so long! I wish you had told me so I could have helped you." He asked if he could call my mother into the room, and then I told them the whole story. I saw no way out, but amazingly enough they helped me work out a solution that would not totally humiliate me. We would go together to the teacher. I would get a sixth grader to help me with my math.

They affirmed me and understood what happened, and to this day I can still feel the relief of that moment. Who knows what pattern I would have established in my life and what road I would have taken if I had continued in my dishonesty. But I was able to share my problem with parents who had already established a relationship of trust and a track record of consistent love and encouragement. They had made such huge deposits over the years that my large withdrawal did not leave me totally bankrupt. Instead, that day I collected interest.

I often think back to that experience, and I wonder what would have happened if I had been so busy, so rushed, so anxious to get to an appointment or to get on to something "more important" that I didn't take the time to really listen. What more would that daughter have gone through? What different choices might she have made?

I'm so grateful, at least in that circumstance, that we had set aside the time to be together, to focus on the relationship. That one hour together made a profound difference in both our lives.

One of the greatest opportunities of being a parent is to teach children the principles that will ultimately bring them the greatest happiness and success in life. But you can't do that without the relationship. "I don't care how much you know until I know how much you care."

Jenny (daughter): One of my favorite memories of one-on-one time with my dad was during the summer of 1996. Every morning Dad would wake me up at 6:00 and we would go biking on an upper mountain road together. We would spend a full hour riding alongside each other, talking things over and telling stories. He would teach me so many things, and I could tell him anything. We would end the morning by watching the sun rise and drinking water from a fresh spring. I often reflect on those rides and remember how wonderful it was.

One-on-one bonding times give you the opportunity to build that relationship, that Emotional Bank Account, so that you can teach. Sandra and I have found that when we take one child aside from the others, go where there is some privacy, and give full attention-when we are completely present-we are amazed how effective our teaching, discipline, or communication can be. But when out of a sense of time pressure and practical necessity we attempt to teach, discipline, or correct when others are present, we are amazed at how ineffective we usually are.

I am convinced that many children know what they should do, but their minds are not made up to do it. People don't act on what they know; they act on how they feel about what they know and about themselves. If they can come to feel good about themselves and about the relationship, they are encouraged to act on what they know.

Put the Big Rocks in First

These weekly family times and one-on-ones are vital-even foundational-in dealing with fundamental family needs, in building Emotional Bank Accounts, and in creating the entire culture in the family.

So how do you do it? How do you manage your time to have a weekly family time and regular, meaningful one-on-one bonding times with the members of your family?

I'd like to ask you to use your imagination for a moment. Imagine that you're standing behind a table, and on this table is a large openmouthed jar that is almost completely filled with small pebbles. On the table beside the jar are several large-fist-sized rocks.

Now suppose that this jar represents the next week of your life. Let the pebbles in the jar represent all the things you'd normally do. Let the big rocks represent family time and one-on-ones and other things that are really important to you-maybe things such as exercising or working on a family mission statement or just having fun together. Make the rocks represent things that in your heart of hearts you know you really should do but at this point haven't been able to "fit into" your schedule.

As you stand behind this table, imagine that your task is to fit in as many of the big rocks as you possibly can. You begin to work at it. You try to force the big rocks into the jar. But you're able to get only one or two in. So you take them out again. You look at all the big rocks. You study their size. You look at their shape. You realize that maybe if you choose different rocks, you could get more of them in. So you try again. You work at it and rearrange things until you're finally able to fit three big rocks into the jar. But that's it. As hard as you try, that's all you can fit in.

How do you feel? You look at the jar. It's full to the brim, and you have all these really important things-including these family things-that aren't getting done. And it's the same thing every week. Maybe it's time to consider a different approach.

Suppose you take out those three big rocks. Suppose you get another container, and you pour all the pebbles into it. And then you put the big rocks in first!

Now how many of those rocks are you going to fit in? A lot more, for sure. And when you have the jar full of big rocks, then you can pour the pebbles in over them. And look how many of them will still fit in!

The point is this: If you don't put the big rocks in first, they hardly ever get in at all! The key is to put the big rocks in first.

Cynthia (daughter): Dad was out of town quite a bit while I was growing up, but we did more together as a family than most. I had more one-on-one time with him than any of my friends whose fathers had nine-to-five jobs.