And you cannot begin to imagine the positive impact this will have on your family. A friend of mine did his doctoral dissertation on the effect of holding family meetings on the self-image of children. Although his research showed the positive effect was significant, one unanticipated and surprising result was the positive effect that holding such meetings had on the fathers. He tells of one father who felt very inadequate and was initially reluctant to try to hold such meetings. But after three months the father said this: Growing up, my family didn't talk much except to put each other down and to argue. I was the youngest, and it seemed as if everyone in the family told me that I couldn't do anything right. I guess I believed them, so I didn't do much in school. It got so I didn't even have enough confidence to try anything that took any brains.

I didn't want to have these family nights because I just didn't feel I could do it. But after my wife led a discussion one week and my daughter another week, I decided to try one myself.

It took a lot of courage for me to do it, but once I got started, it was like something turned loose in me that had been tied up in a painful knot ever since I was a little boy. Words just seemed to flow out of my heart. I told the members of my family why I was so glad to be their dad and why I knew they could do good things with their lives. Then I did something I had never done before. I told them all, one by one, how much I loved them. For the first time I felt like a real father-the kind of father I wished my father had been.

Since that night I have felt much closer to my wife and kids. It's hard to explain what I mean, but a lot of new doors have opened for me and things at home seem different now.

Weekly family times provide a powerful, proactive response to today's family challenge. They provide a very practical way to prioritize the family; the time commitment itself tells the children how important the family is. They build memories. They build Emotional Bank Accounts. They help you create your own family safety net. They also help you meet several fundamental family needs: physical, economic, social, mental, aesthetic, cultural, and spiritual.

I have taught this idea now for over twenty years, and many couples and single parents have said that family time is an enormously valuable and practical "take home" idea. They say it has had the most profound effect on family prioritization, closeness, and enjoyment of any family idea they have ever heard.

Turning Your Mission Statement into Your Constitution Through "Family Time"

Family time provides a great opportunity to discuss and create your family mission statement. And once you have the mission statement, it can help you meet the need for a practical way to turn it into the constitution of your family life and to meet four everyday needs: spiritual (to plan), mental (to teach), physical (to solve problems), and social (to have fun).

Sandra: On one of our family nights, we were talking about the kind of family we wanted to be as we had described in our mission statement. We got into a discussion about service and how important it is to serve one another-the family, neighbors, and the larger community.

So for the next family night I decided to prepare a lesson on service. We rented the video Magnificent Obsession. It tells the story of a rich playboy who became involved in a car accident that resulted in a girl's becoming blind. It showed how he felt guilty and terrible about it and realized that his careless actions had changed her life forever. In some way he wanted to make this up to her and help her deal with her new life situation, so he consulted a friend-an artist-who tried to teach him how to give anonymous service and help other people. At first he struggled with it and had difficulty understanding the reasons he should do this. But eventually he learned how to look for needs in people and situations and step into their lives and anonymously create positive change.

As we discussed this movie, we talked about what a great neighborhood we lived in-how caring and responsible the people were and how much we appreciated them. We all agreed that we wanted them to know that, and we wanted to be of some service or do something for them. We created what we called the "Phantom Family." For about three months at every family night we made a special treat-popcorn balls, candy apples, cupcakes, or something similar. We decided which family we were going to spotlight. Then we put the treat on their porch, along with a note that told how we admired their family and appreciated them. We ended the note with "the Phantom Family strikes again!" We rang the doorbell and ran like wildfire.

Each week we did the same thing. We never did get caught, although on one occasion we were reported to the police because someone thought we were trying to break in!

Pretty soon all the neighbors were talking about the Phantom Family. We acted as if we didn't know anything about it, but were also wondering who in the world the Phantom Family could be. People eventually had their suspicions, and one night we were left a treat with a note that said, "To the Phantom Family-from Your Suspicious Neighbors."

The plotting, drama, and mystery made a great adventure. It also enabled us all to learn more about the principle of anonymous service and to more fully integrate an important part of our family mission statement into our lives.

We've found that every idea in our mission statement provides a great basis for family time discussions and activities-things that help us translate the mission into moments of family living. And as long as we make it fun and exciting, everyone learns and enjoys.

By creating and living by a mission statement, families are gradually able to build moral authority in the family itself. In other words, principles get built right into the very structure and culture of the family, and everyone comes to realize that principles are at the center of the family and are the key to keeping the family strong, together, and committed to its destination. Then the mission statement becomes like the Constitution of the United States-the ultimate arbiter of every law and statute. The principles upon which it is based and the value systems that flow out of those principles create a social will that is filled with moral or ethical authority.

A Time to Plan

By creating and living by a mission statement, families are gradually able to build moral authority in the family itself.

One husband and father shared the following: A couple of years ago my wife and I noticed that our summers were getting increasingly busy, and we were not spending as much time with the kids as we wanted while they were out of school. So right after school let out, we had a family night where we asked the children to tell us their favorite summer things to do. They mentioned everything from the little everyday things like swimming and going out for ice cream to daylong activities such as hiking up a nearby mountain and going to the water park. It was fun because each of them got to share what he or she really enjoyed doing.

Once we got all these activities out on the table, we worked on narrowing down the list. Obviously, we couldn't do everything, so we tried to come up with those activities that everyone thought would be the most fun. Then we pulled out a huge calendar and planned when we would do them. We set aside some Saturdays for major daylong activities. We reserved some weeknights for those that didn't take as much time. We also marked out a week for our family vacation at Lake Tahoe.

The children were very excited to see that we had actually planned to do the things that were important to them. And we found over the summer that this planning made a big difference in their happiness and in ours. No longer were they constantly asking when we were going to do something because they knew when we were going to do it. It was on the family calendar. And we held to our plan. We all made it a big priority in our lives. It helped us form a collective commitment, and this sense of commitment greatly strengthened and bonded us.

This planning also made a big difference to me because it helped me commit to do what I really wanted to do but often didn't do because of the pressure of the moment. There were times when I was tempted to work late to finish a particular project, but I realized that to miss keeping the commitment I'd made to my family would be a big withdrawal. I had to follow through, so I did. And I didn't feel guilty because that's what I had planned to do.

As this man discovered, family time is a wonderful time to plan. Everyone's there and involved. You can decide together how to best spend your family time. And everyone knows what's happening.

Many families do some kind of weekly planning during their family time. One mother said: Planning is a big part of our family time together each week. We try to go over each person's goals and activities, and put them on a magnetic chart that hangs on the door. This enables us to plan family activities together and helps us know what others in the family are doing during the week so that we can support them. It also gives us the information we need to arrange necessary transportation and baby-sitting, and resolve scheduling conflicts.

One of the best things about our calendar it is that it's by the phone, so when someone calls for a family member, any of us can say, "Oh, I'm sorry, she's not here. She's at a play practice. She should be home by five o'clock." We feel good knowing where family members are and being able to communicate easily with their friends when they call. And we feel good knowing that the kids can respond to our calls effectively as well.

Having a family calendar enables you to plan quality time together, including weekly family time and one-on-ones. It also helps everyone feel invested in the family. The calendar isn't just Mom's or Dad's; it reflects the priorities and decisions of everyone.

With specific time set aside each week for the family, you can begin to feel more peace of mind. You know that your most important stewardship is attended to. You can more fully give yourself to your family-and to work and other activities as well, because you know that you have time set aside for the things that matter most. And this can all be accomplished with as simple a tool as a wall calendar and a process of regularly meeting together to plan.*

A Time to Teach

We're also found that family time is a great time to teach basic principles of life. Sandra and I have had some wonderful family times teaching our children the principles behind the 7 Habits.

Sandra: Some years ago a huge shopping mall complex was being built in the center of Salt Lake City. The intent was to draw people back to the city by providing excellent shopping, theaters, restaurants, and other features. One family night Stephen explained that he had met one of the architects. He said that he had arranged for us to go on the construction site so that the architect could explain to us the details and complexities of such a project.

He took all of us up to the rooftop of an adjacent building where we surveyed the massiveness of this project. We were awed by the size, the planning, the vision, the technology, and the building expertise that went into such a development. The architect explained the concept of beginning with the end in mind. Everything had to be created twice. He had to meet with the owners and builders and other architects, and explain in minute detail the size, floor space, function, design, purpose, and cost of every area.

We watched breathlessly as he scanned each section of the building with a TV monitor while explaining what would be here and what would be there. Then we followed him to a large room where he showed us hundreds and hundreds of blueprints. Some were for the heating and air-conditioning systems. Some were for the interior and exterior lighting. Some were for the staircases, exits, elevators, wiring, cement, columns, windows, sound systems, and so on.

He went on to explain the interior design-the plans for painting, wallpaper, color schemes, flooring, tiles, and ambiance. We were amazed at the detail, forethought, imagination, and planning.

As the sun set, the city became alive with shadows and lights, and we were able to make out landmarks and familiar sites around us. It was then that Stephen and I took the opportunity to talk with the children about how the principle of "begin with the end in mind" applies to the decisions and plans we make in our lives every day.

If we plan to go to college, for example, we must attend school. We must study, prepare for tests, turn in papers, learn to express ourselves in writing, complete the course. If we want to excel in music, we must have the desire and the talent. We must practice. We must give up other things in order to concentrate and progress and improve. To excel in athletics we must develop our natural talents. We must practice and participate in sports camps. We must push ourselves, believe we can do it, sustain injuries, and glory in the wins but learn from the losses. We said that things don't just happen by chance. You have to envision your goals. Make a blueprint. Count the cost. Pay the price to make it all happen.

That family night gave us a wonderful opportunity to share an important principle with our children. It was a night we will all remember.

Family time is a great time to teach competence in practical matters. One woman related this experience: One of the family times our children remember the most was when we played a game to teach them some principles of financial management.

We set up several signs in different places in the room that said such things as "Bank," "Store," "Credit Card Company," and "Charity." Then we gave each of the children some object to represent work they could do to earn money. Our eight-year-old had some hand towels she could fold. Our ten-year-old had a broom to sweep the floor. Everyone had work to do so that they could earn.

When the game began, everyone started to work. After a few minutes we rang a bell, and everyone got "paid." We gave them each ten dimes for their labor. Then they had to decide what to do with their money. They could put it in the bank. They could donate some to charity. They could buy something at the "store" where we had a lot of bright-colored balloons with the names of different toys and the price written on them. In fact, if they really wanted something badly from the store and didn't have enough money to buy it, they could go to the credit card company and borrow enough to get it.

We went through the sequence several times: work, earn, spend; work, earn, spend. And then we blew a whistle. "Interest time!" we said. Those who had put money in the bank got money added. Those who had "borrowed" from the credit card company had to pay interest. After several rounds they quickly became convinced that it was much smarter to earn interest than to pay it.

As the game progressed, the children also saw that those who chose to donate to charity were helping to provide food, clothes, and other basic necessities for people throughout the world. And as we popped some of the balloons when the "interest" whistle blew, they also realized that many of the material things we work so hard for and even go into debt for don't last.

When we've asked our children to tell us about family times they remember, this one was at the top of the list. And it's made a tremendous difference when as grown-ups they've received mail containing the empty promise of "buy now, pay later." Of our four married children, not one of them carries a credit card balance requiring the payment of interest. And the only money they've borrowed has been for homes, transportation, and education.

Just think of the difference it's made to these children to learn some of the basic principles of finance in their home-especially when problems in financial management is one of the major factors linked to divorce.24 Family time is a great time to teach about the family itself. One woman shared this: One of the best family nights we've had was when we brought a new baby home from the hospital. It provided a perfect teaching moment.

We had talked with them about sex on other family nights. We had explained to them that it was an important part of marriage and not something to be treated lightly.

But there in the quiet circle of family love, we were able to say to them, "This is what it's all about. It's about the love between a husband and wife. It's about bringing a new little person into a family where he'll be loved and cherished and cared for. It's about the commitment to protect and take care of this little person until he's grown up and ready to create a family of his own."

I don't think there's anything we could have done that would have touched their hearts more deeply or influenced their attitude more powerfully about intimacy in human relationships.

As you can see, family time provides a wonderful time to teach. And the dramatic change in society makes it even more imperative that we really teach our families in our homes. If we do not teach our children, society will. And they-and we-will live with the results.

A Time to Solve Problems

A woman from Denmark shared this experience: In our home we have tried to get together almost weekly since our children were small. We have used the meetings for many different purposes. Occasionally these meetings have been the forum for us to lay our cards on the table and tell the kids about struggles in our lives and how we tackle them.

One time my husband lost his job, so we used the time in our family meeting to explain what had happened. We showed them the money we had in the bank, and we explained that it usually took six months to find a new job. We showed them how we needed to divide the money into six groups-one for each month. We divided each month's money into what would be needed for food, house payment, gas, electricity, and so on.

In this way they could clearly see where the money was going and how little was left. They could have panicked if it wasn't for the fact that we told them it was going to be a challenge, and we could make it. But we wanted them to see where the money would go. We wanted to avoid breaking their hearts over and over again because we couldn't afford new clothes or entertainment.

We then discussed how stressful this responsibility was for their dad and what we could do at home to de-stress him. We decided to remove all irritation spots, such as leaving schoolbags, coats, and shoes on the floor-and keep the house clean. They all agreed, and we felt very united in this difficult process that was ahead of us.

During the following six months we baked a lot of cakes to cheer us up. We didn't participate in anything that cost money or purchase things other than bare necessities. The kids continually tried to cheer up their dad, telling him they knew he would get a job soon. They went out of their way to show their confidence in him because we all knew from experience that this would be an area he would struggle with.

When he finally got a new job, the children's joy was almost greater than ours, and the celebration was one we won't soon forget. I cannot even begin to list the headaches we avoided because we took the time to sit down with them and explain our situation and what it would take to get through it.

Family time is a wonderful time for problem-solving. It's a time to address fundamental needs and work together to find ways to meet them. It's an opportunity to involve family members in the problems and work out solutions together so that we all understand, so that we all feel the solution represents us and we are committed to it.

Maria (daughter): I remember one family night, Dad went through the list of all the responsibilities that needed to be taken care of in the home. And then he went down the list and asked who wanted to do each one.

He said, "Okay, who wants to earn the money?" No one volunteered, so he said, "Well, I guess I'll have to do that one. Okay, who wants to pay the taxes?" Again, nobody volunteered, so he said he'd do that, too. "Okay, who wants to feed the new baby?" Well, Mom was the only one qualified for that job. "So who wants to take care of the lawn?"

He went on and on with all the things that needed to be done, and it became very clear that he and Mom were both doing so much for the family. It was a great way to put our jobs as kids in perspective. It also really made us realize that everyone needed to take part.

We know of one mother who has taken into her home many foster children that the state has considered "incorrigible." These kids have had a wide variety of problems. Almost all have been in trouble with the police. As this woman has discovered, family times are great for airing and sharing. She said: As we have dealt with these foster kids and our own kids over the years, we've found that kids really need close relationships. And these can be nurtured during family time. The kids really like to be involved. They like being in charge of something-games or treats or activities. And they appreciate a "safe" environment where they can express their concerns.

Just recently we had a foster boy who was going through very difficult challenges-physically, emotionally, and mentally. While he was in the hospital, we used a family time to update the kids on what to expect when he returned. They had concerns about his behavior-about his teasing and so on-and we let them air those concerns. We made it safe for them to be very honest, and it helped put them at ease so that they were not so apprehensive. One of the kids didn't even want him to come back at all, and knowing that, we were better able to handle it.

Creating a family forum where problems can be openly discussed builds trust in the relationship and in the family's ability to solve them.

A Time to Have Fun

Sandra: I think everyone's favorite family nights in our home were the times when we would go on a series of adventures. Stephen would usually make them up as we went along, and none of us knew what to expect. It might be playing a game of volleyball in the backyard, then having a swim at the high school gym followed by a visit to the pizza parlor. Or it could be going to the driving range and letting everyone hit a bucket of golf balls, and then going to a movie and finishing up with a root beer float at home. We might play a game of miniature golf at the rec center, then jump on the backyard trampoline, share some ghost stories as it got dark, and then sleep out in the backyard. Or we might join another family for a hike up Rock Canyon, build a fire and roast marshmallows, and then go bowling. Sometimes we'd take trips to a museum-the art museum, the science museum, the dinosaur museum. Sometimes we'd rent videos or show home movies and pop popcorn.

In the summer we might go swimming or floating down the Provo River in an inner tube. In the winter we might go skiing or sledding, have a snowball fight, or go ice skating on the lake. We never knew what the adventures would be, and that was half the fun.

Sometimes another family or aunts and uncles and cousins would join us. Then we might have an all-day marathon, including horseshoes, archery, Ping-Pong games, tennis, and basketball.

One of the most important ingredients of any family time is fun. This is what unites and bonds family members. This is what creates joy and pleasure in being together. As one father said: Family time gives us the opportunity to do something that often doesn't get done in the hubbub of life-to just spend time together having fun. It seems as if there's always so much to do-work at the office, work at home, fixing dinner, getting kids ready for bed-that you don't take the time to just relax and enjoy being together. And this is so important, especially when the stress is high.

We've found that just wrestling with the kids, telling jokes, and laughing together is very therapeutic. It creates an environment where it's safe for them to tease Mom and Dad-or for Mom and Dad to tease them. It makes them feel liked.

When thing are too serious all the time, I think they wonder, "Do Mom and Dad really like me? Do they like being with me?" But when we have this regular time together and we just let go and really enjoy one another, they know we like to be with them. They associate "being liked" with having fun.

And it's almost as if this family time structure helps us-gives us the time-to be spontaneous. The kids look forward to it more than anything else during the week. Because we have so much fun together, they are the ones who always make sure we have it.

Even if nothing else happens during family time, just the joy of being together and doing things together will have tremendous positive effect on the Emotional Bank Accounts in the family. And when you add the other dimensions, family time truly becomes one of the most effective organizing structures in the family.

Making the Commitment

Perhaps you remember-or have seen in a more recent video or movie-the film clips showing the lunar voyage of Apollo 11. Those of us who witnessed it were absolutely transfixed. We could hardly believe our eyes when we saw men walking on the moon. Superlatives such as "fantastic" and "incredible" were inadequate to describe those eventful days.

Where do you think the most power and energy was expended on that heavenly journey? Going a quarter of a million miles to the moon? Returning to the earth? Orbiting the moon? Separating and redocking the lunar and command modules? Lifting off from the moon?

No, not in any of these. Not even in all of these together. It was lifting off from the Earth. More energy was spent in the first few minutes of liftoff from the earth-in the first few miles of travel-than was used in half a million miles for several days.

The gravity pull of those first few miles was enormous. The Earth's atmosphere was compressingly heavy. It took an internal thrust greater than both the pull of gravity and the resistance of atmosphere to finally break out into orbit. But once they did break out, it took almost no power to do all those other things. In fact, when one of the astronauts was asked how much power was expended when the lunar module separated from the command module to go down and survey the moon, he answered, "Less than the breath of a baby."25 This lunar voyage provides a powerful metaphor for describing what it takes to break out of old habits and create new ones, such as having weekly family times. The gravity force of the Earth could be compared to deeply embedded habits, tendencies programmed by genetics, environment, parents, and other significant figures. The weight of the Earth's atmosphere could be compared to the turbulent family-unfriendly environment of the wider culture, the wider society. These are two powerful forces, and you must have a collectivized social will that is stronger than both of these forces in order to make liftoff happen.

But once it does happen, you will be amazed at the freedom it gives you and your family. During liftoff, astronauts have no freedom, no power; all they can do is carry out the program. But as soon as they pull away from the gravity of the Earth and the atmosphere surrounding the Earth, they experience an unbelievable surge of freedom. And they have many, many options and alternatives.