I think there were two reasons. One was that he always planned ahead. He really believed in being proactive, in making it happen, in beginning with the end in mind. At the first of every school year he always wanted to know, "When are the boys' football games? When are the girls' scheduled activities?" And he hardly ever missed anything important. He was rarely out of town on family night. He was always home on the weekends so that we could do activities and go to church together.

There were times when people would say, "Oh, your dad's out of town again!" But a lot of my friends whose parents worked nine to five would sit in front of the TV at night and not even communicate.

I realize now the work it took for us to have family time together-to have family devotionals, family prayers, family activities. With a hectic job and nine kids in five different schools, my parents really had to fight for it. But they did. The bottom line is that it was important to them, and so they wrestled with it and figured out how to do it.

I think the second reason for our time together was the rules. You don't go anywhere on Sunday-that's a family day and a church day. You never miss Monday night-that's family night. We'd usually do something as a family on one weekend night. It was just kind of required. And sometimes as teenagers we'd resent it a little bit. But it was kind of accepted as part of the culture, and after a while we didn't fight it.

My early experiences of feeling the pain and frustration of not prioritizing some of our children's plays and ball games and other important activities led me to get into the habit of always trying to put the big rocks in first. At the beginning of each school year, Sandra and I have pressed the schools for calendars of events that may involve our children and grandchildren. We've placed high priority on scheduling and being at our children's events. We've also encouraged our children to attend each other's events. With almost fifty people (children, spouses, and grandchildren) in the family now, we can't go to every activity. But we do what we can and always try to communicate to all family members how important they and their activities are to us. We also plan major family vacations two, three, or even four years in advance. And family nights and one-on-one time continue to be held sacred in our home.

We have found that there is nothing to compare with the happiness that has come from making family a priority. With many pressures in our lives to do otherwise, it's not always easy to do these things. But it is much, much harder not to! When you don't put the advance prevention time in building relationships and investing in unifying and organizing the family, you spend much more time later trying to repair broken relationships, save marriages, or influence children who are being powerfully pulled by social forces outside the family.

To those who would say, "We don't have time to do these kinds of things!" I would say, "You don't have time not to!" The key is to plan ahead and be strong. "Where there's a will, there's a way."

And when you really do put those big family rocks in first, you begin to feel this deep sense of inner peace. You're not constantly feeling torn between family and work. In fact, you will find there's actually more of you to contribute in other places because of it.

Commitment to these family structures brings life to the principles of effective family living. It creates a beautiful family culture that enables you not to be seduced by the popular culture's system of extrinsic rewards. When you're on the periphery and don't actually experience this beautiful family culture, it's easy to become distracted, to be pulled in other directions. But when you're in the middle of it, your only question is "How could there possibly be anything better?"

Organizing Around Roles

Instead of just selecting activities, Sandra and I have found that one of the best ways to put the big rocks in first in our lives is to organize around our most important roles-including our family roles-and to set goals in each of these roles each week. Some weeks, one or two goals will be so consuming that we make the decision not to set goals in other roles. For example, when Sandra spends a week helping one of our daughters with a new baby, that means she chooses not to do any public speaking, community service, or extra projects around the home that week. But it's a consciously made decision, and she feels peaceful knowing that the following week she will look at each of her roles and set goals again. We've found that by using "roles and goals," our lives are much more balanced. Each role is attended to, and we're less likely to get overwhelmed by the urgency of all the day-to-day pressures.*

A Quick Look Back and Ahead

Now before we move on, let's take a moment to look back and think in a larger sense about Habits 1, 2, and 3.

Habit 1-Be proactive-is the most fundamental decision of all. It determines whether you're going to be responsible or a victim.

If you make the decision to be responsible-to take initiative, to be the creative force of your life-then the most primary decision facing you is what is your life about. This is Habit 2-Begin with the end in mind-which is creating your family mission statement. This is what is called a strategic decision because every other decision will be governed by it.

Habit 3, then-Put first things first-becomes secondary or tactical. It deals with how to make those first things happen. We have primarily focused on two main structural interventions in a world where "outside in" fails: the weekly family time and one-on-one bonding experiences between members of the family. When outside-in worked, such structures weren't as necessary because they were happening naturally all the time. But the more society is extracted from nature, the more we see the globalization of technology and markets that change the whole economic picture, the more we see the secularization of the culture away from principles, the more we see the erosion of laws and the social will driving the political will to where elections become more and more popularity contests based on sound bites and camera opportunities-the more we must be strong and decisive in creating and using new structures to keep us on track.

As you think about implementing these habits in your family, I want to remind you again that you are the expert on your family, and you alone know your situation.

During a recent visit to Argentina, I talked with parents who had gathered from all over Latin America to attend a conference. I asked them for feedback on the ideas in this book. The feedback was very positive and supportive, but these parents didn't relate to the formalizing of a weekly family time and one-on-ones. They live in a very family-oriented culture, and for them almost every night is "family time" and one-on-ones are a natural part of daily life.

But with other families, the idea of developing a family mission statement and creating new structures of a weekly family time and planned one-on-one bonding experiences is totally off their screen. They don't want any form or structure in their lives. Perhaps they are angry and rebelling against the structures they already have in their lives-structures that they feel have suppressed the full sense of freedom and individuality they value. Those structures may be so filled with negative energy and judgments that any other structure is guilty by association. There's just too much social and psychic baggage.

If this is your situation, you may still want to prioritize your family. You may recognize some value in a family mission statement and some of these structures but feel that doing some of these things is just going too far for now. That's okay. Start where you are. Don't lay a big guilt trip on yourself about the necessity of all this interdependence if you're not ready to move in this direction.

You may want to start by simply applying some of these ideas in your own life. Perhaps all you feel you can do is make some promise and keep it, or select some simple goal and go for it. This may be sufficient structure for you at this time. Later, you may come to feel that you can take on another, little larger task or goal and then go for that. Eventually, by making and keeping promises, your sense of honor will become greater than your moods or any baggage you may carry with you. Then you will find you can move out into entirely new arenas-including working toward these interdependent activities such as creating a family mission statement, holding weekly home evenings, and having special one-on-one bonding experiences.

The key is to recognize where you are and to start where you are. You can't do calculus until you understand algebra. You can't run before you can walk. Some things of necessity come ahead of other things. Be patient with yourself. Even be patient with your own impatience.

Now, you may be saying, "But my situation is different! It's just too difficult, too challenging. There is no way I can do these things!" If so, I encourage you to think about the experience of Admiral James B. Stockdale as related in his book A Vietnam Experience. A prisoner in Vietnam for several years, Admiral Stockdale tells of how American POWs living in solitary confinement and completely isolated from one another for long periods were able to develop a social will that was powerful enough to enable them to create their own culture with their own rules and norms and communication process. Without interacting verbally, they were able to establish communication with one another by tapping on walls and using wires. They were even able to teach this communication to new prisoners who were brought in and didn't know the code.

Admiral Stockdale wrote: The Communist Regime put each of us in solitary confinement in an attempt to sever our ties with one another and with our cultural heritage. This hits hard after a few months-particularly a few months of intermittent torture and extortion. In fits of depression, a man starts seeing the bottom of the barrel and realizes that unless he gets some structure, some ritual, some poetry into his life he is going to become an animal.

In these conditions, clandestine encrypted tap and flash codes get improvised and start linking lives and dreams together. Then comes the need for common practice and united resistance, and in due course if things are working right, codified law commences to emanate from the senior prisoner's cell. The communication network strengthens the bonds of comradeship as over the months and years a body politic of common customs, common loyalties, common values take shape.26 Just think about it: They hardly even saw one another. Yet through the brilliant use of their four gifts, these prisoners built a civilization-a powerful culture of unbelievable social will. They created a sense of social responsibility and accountability so that they were able to encourage and help one another through incredibly difficult times.

There is so much truth to the expression, "Where there's a will, there's a way!"

Though less dramatic, consider how you could use family times and one-on-one times to create the same kind of powerful bonding and social will in the family.

Catherine (daughter): My mother loved the arts, and she enjoyed planning trips to the ballet, the symphony, the opera, or any other play or performance in town. Tickets for these events were usually top priority, and came well before money was spent on movies, junk food, or just plain goofing off. At times, I remember complaining that all this culture wasn't doing any good. But as I look back on those experiences, I realize how wrong I was.

I'll never forget one experience I had with my mother that changed my life forever. We had a Shakespearean festival near our community, and one day my mother announced that she had bought us all tickets to see Macbeth. At the time, this meant nothing to me, because I was only eleven and completely unacquainted with Shakespeare.

On the night of the play, we all piled into our car and headed toward the theater. I distinctly remember the snide remarks that were made that night about how we were all too tired to pay attention. We asked, "Couldn't we just go to a movie?"

But my mother only smiled as she patiently drove on, knowing secretly that the incredible talent of "the Bard" would do her full justice. And it did! I can't ever remember a time when the emotions of the universe all seemed so vividly clear to me as they did that night. The dark secrets of Macbeth and his wife haunted me throughout the play as the innocence of my youth slipped away. Yet in its place, an understanding and an epiphany that only Shakespeare could have penned opened my heart and spoke to me. I immediately knew that my life would never be the same, for I had discovered something that touched me so deeply that I knew I could not reverse its effects even if I had wanted to.

As we drove home from the theater that night, we were all silently bonded in a way I can never explain. My mother's love for the beautiful things of the world has been passed on to me and my children, and I can never thank her enough for this beautiful gift.

Just think of the power of this bonding, this creation of the social will, this spirit of "we" in the family! How to further develop that spirit of "we" in the family will be our focus as we move into Habits 4, 5, and 6.

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH ADULTS AND TEENS.

Prioritize the Family Ask family members: How important is family to us? How much time did we spend last week doing family activities? How do we feel about it? Are we making family a priority in our lives?

Review the material in "When the Infrastructure Shifts, Everything Rumbles." Discuss together: What are the forces in society that tend to destroy the family? How can we overcome these forces?

Discuss the idea of family time and one-on-ones. Ask: How could a weekly family time be helpful to our family? How could it promote planning? Teaching? Problem-solving? Having fun together? Discuss making the commitment to hold a weekly family time. Work together to generate a variety of ideas for family time activities.

Talk about one-on-one bonding times. Encourage individuals to share special one-on-one times they've had with other family members. Consider: What bonding time would you like to plan for in your marriage? With your children?

Review the "big rocks" demonstration and try this experiment with your family. Discuss what the "big rocks" are for each individual and for the family as a whole.

For Further Thought Discuss this idea: "This is perhaps the greatest role of parenting: helping children connect with their own gifts-particularly conscience." How can you help your child connect with his or her four unique human gifts?

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH CHILDREN.

Some Fun Activities Sit down with your family and schedule family activities for the next month or two. Plan things such as visits to family members, holiday activities, one-on-ones with family members, sports events or performances you want to watch together, and trips to the park. Make sure the children contribute their ideas.

Visit a relative and point out the importance of valuing each member of your extended family. On the way to this relative's house, share stories of fun and interesting moments you enjoyed with your family as you grew up.

Have the children help you make a visual chart to remind them of their chores and also the fun things you will do each week.

Conduct the big rock demonstration and ask each child to identify his or her big rocks-the most important things he or she has to do this week. This might include activities such as soccer practice, piano lessons, swimming, attending a friend's birthday party, and doing homework. You can use walnuts or marshmallows for big rocks and jelly beans for small pebbles, or the children can bring real rocks they have found, painted, or decorated.

Make a collection of family pictures.

Make the commitment to hold family times, planning meetings, or activity days. Children will feel greater joy and pride in their family as you review weekly the accomplishments and activities that have taken place and plan for the next week.

Teach children who can write how to keep track of their activities in a planner of some kind. Also have them schedule times to do special kinds of activities and services to strengthen relationships. Remind them to always bring their planner to family meetings.

Identify what type of one-on-one activities each family member would enjoy. Schedule one-on-one time with one of your children each week. You could call it "Susan's special day" or whatever you feel would make it unique.

Share the story of the "Phantom family" and decide how you could serve your neighbors and friends in a clever and original way.

HABIT 4.

THINK "WIN-WIN"

As we begin this chapter, I'd like to give you an overview of Habits 4, 5, and 6. You may ask yourself, "Why are we getting into Habits 5 and 6 when we're just beginning Habit 4?" It's because these three habits are highly interwoven, and together they create a process that will be immensely helpful to you in accomplishing all the things we've talked about so far. In fact, I often teach these habits first because once you grasp the essence of this process, you have the key to working together effectively to solve any problem or accomplish any goal.

To illustrate how helpful this process is, let me share with you a demonstration I often use in teaching these habits. I typically select a man from the audience who is young, tall, strong, and obviously fit. I invite him to the stage and then challenge him to an arm wrestling contest. As he's coming up, I tell him that I have never lost and don't intend to start now. I tell him he's going to lose and to get ready to lose. When he gets up to the stage, I stick my face right in his face and tell him the same things all over again. I get rather pushy, aggressive, and obnoxious. Obviously exaggerating a little, I let him know that in a few seconds he's going to be lying flat out on the ground. I look at his belt and tell him that I have a black one and that his brown one is an entire order of magnitude different. I tell him that even though he's twice my size, I will put him down. Almost inevitably this type of confrontation stirs the man up and steels his resolve to best me.

Then I ask the people in the front row if they will fund this operation so that if I put him down, I get a dime, and if he puts me down, he gets a dime. They always agree. I ask another audience member to keep track throughout the contest, because each time one of us puts the other down, that person gets another dime. I ask them to time us for thirty seconds and tell us when to start. Then I grab the man's right hand, stand up right next to him, and give a grimacing, intimidating stare as we clasp hands and wait for the signal to go.

By this time the other person almost always is steeled to the task. The signal is given, and I immediately make my arm go limp. He puts me down. He usually tries to hold me there. Sometimes, feeling confused, he lets me up a little and then starts pushing to get me down again, which I quickly let him do. Then I struggle to get back up, and again the resistance starts. When we get to the top, he pushes me back down again.

This usually goes on for a few seconds, and then I say to the person, "Look, why don't we both win?" Usually the other person gets the message and allows me to put him down once. But there is still tension and strain. Then I go limp and let him put me down again. It takes only a few more seconds before the two of us are working together-almost effortlessly-moving back and forth rapidly, putting each other's arms down.

Then I look over to the front row and say, "Okay, how much do you owe us?" Everyone sees the point and begins to laugh.

Can you see the tremendous difference in what is happening at the beginning and the end of this demonstration? At first the feeling is completely adversarial. It's "win-lose": "I win; you lose." There's no effort to understand, to cooperate. There's no seeking of a solution that's good for both of us. There's just a feeling of competition and the desire to win, to put the other down. Can you see how the tension of this "win-lose" approach translates into typical family squabbles-into arguments between marriage partners, between parents and children, between extended family members?

But by the end of the demonstration there's been a significant shift in thinking. It's no longer "I win; you lose." It's "Hey, we can both win-and win big! By understanding and cooperating creatively together, we can do something totally different that benefits us both far more than if either of us had 'won' in the other sense." Can you sense something of the freedom, the creativity, the feeling of unity and shared accomplishment that comes when this is the typical approach to solving family problems?

To some extent we all have family interaction that resembles the beginning, but the more we can move toward the kind of creative and synergistic interaction where everyone wins, the more "beautiful," the more effective, our family culture will be.

I often like to think of these three habits in terms of the root, the route, and the fruit.

Habit 4-Think "win-win"-is the root. It's the fundamental paradigm of seeking mutual benefit, or the "Golden Rule." It's the underlying motive, the nurturing attitude out of which understanding and synergy grow.

Habit 5-Seek first to understand . . . then to be understood-is the route. It's the method, the pathway that leads to rich interdependent interaction. It's the ability to step out of your own autobiography and really get into the head and heart of someone else.

Habit 6-Synergize-is the fruit. It's the result, the end product, the rich reward of the effort. It's creating transcendent third-alternative solutions. It's not "your way" or "my way"; it's a better, a higher way.

Together, these three habits create the process that leads to the most phenomenal magic in family life-the ability to work together to create new ideas, new solutions that are better than any individual family member could ever come up with alone. In addition, they build moral authority into the culture by integrating the principles of mutual respect, mutual understanding, and creative cooperation into the very structures, systems, and processes of the family. This goes way beyond the goodness of the people and the quality of their relationships. It causes perpetuation and internalization and institutionalization of these principles into the norms and mores and traditions of the culture itself.

And what a difference this makes! Going back to the airplane metaphor, we could say that while it may be challenging to reach your destination when there's turbulent weather outside the plane, it's even more difficult when the turbulence is in the social weather inside the plane-when there's contention, bickering, fighting, complaining, and criticizing between pilots or between the pilots and the crew or control tower.

Creating great social weather inside the cockpit is the focus of Habits 4, 5, and 6. And what it essentially involves is helping family members learn to ask one question and make one commitment.

The question is this: "Would you be willing to search for a solution that is better than what either of us is now proposing?"

The commitment is this: "Let me listen to you first" or "Help me understand."

If you have the personal security and the skill and will to do these two things sincerely and consistently, you will be able to live Habits 4, 5, and 6.

Now most of this process is completely within your Circle of Influence. Going back to the arm wrestling demonstration, notice that all it takes to change the situation is for one person to think win-win-not two, only one. This is an extremely important point because most people are willing to think win-win if others will, but all it takes is one proactive person to think it deep inside and to genuinely want a solution that is ultimately win-win. You think win-win-not win-lose or lose-win-even when and even because others do not.

It also takes only one person to seek first to understand. In the arm wrestling example, this is manifested by immediately going limp and seeking first the interest of the other person. In life it means to seek first the interest of the other, to understand the other person's needs, wants, and concerns.

So both Habits 4 and 5 can be done by one proactive person.

But Habit 6-Synergize-takes two. This is the exciting adventure of creating something new with someone, and it grows out of the win-win thinking and understanding created by Habits 4 and 5. The magical thing about synergy is that not only does it create new alternatives but it is also tremendously bonding to the relationship because you create something new together. It's like what happens between parents who have created a child together. That child becomes a powerful bonding force in the relationship. It brings them together. It gives them a common bond, a common vision, a common interest, a common stewardship that transcends and subordinates other interests. Can you see how this builds the relationship, how it builds the Emotional Bank Account?

These three habits represent the essence of "family"-the deep inner movement from "me" to "we." So let's take a closer look now at these habits, beginning with Habit 4-Think "win-win."