Where this infrastructure shift affects us all most personally and profoundly is in our families, our homes. Trying to successfully raise a family today is like trying to perform a high trapeze act-a feat that requires tremendous skill and almost unparalleled interdependence-and there's no safety net!

There used to be a safety net. There were laws that supported the family. The media promoted it, upheld it. Society honored it, sustained it. And the family, in turn, sustained society. But there is no safety net anymore. The culture, the economics, and the law have unraveled it. And technology is accelerating the disintegration.

In a 1992 statement, the U.S. Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention Department summarized literally hundreds of research studies of environmental changes over recent years: Unfortunately, economic circumstances, cultural norms, and federal legislation in the last two decades have helped to create an environment that is less supportive to strong, stable families . . . [and] at the same time these economic changes have occurred, the extended family support system has eroded.18 And all of this has happened so gradually that many are not even aware of it. It's like the story that author and commentator Malcolm Muggeridge tells about some frogs that were killed without resistance by being boiled alive in a cauldron of water. Normally, a frog thrown into boiling water will immediately jump out, saving his life. But these frogs didn't jump out. They didn't even resist. Why? Because when they were put into the cauldron, the water was tepid. Then little by little the temperature was raised. The water became warm . . . then warmer . . . then hot . . . then boiling. The change was so gradual that the frogs accommodated themselves to their new environment until it was too late.

This is exactly what happens with all of these forces in the world. We get used to them and they become our comfort zone-even though they're literally killing us and our families. In the words of Alexander Pope: Vice is a monster of so frightful mien, As to be hated needs but to be seen; Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face, We first endure, then pity, then embrace.19 It's a process of gradual desensitization. And this is exactly what happens when we gradually subordinate principles to social values. These powerful cultural forces fundamentally alter our moral or ethical sense of what is, in fact, right. We even begin to think of social values as principles and call "bad" "good" and "good" "bad." We lose our moral bearings. The airwaves get polluted with filth. The static makes it difficult to get a clear message from radio control.

And-to use the airplane metaphor again-we experience vertigo. This is what sometimes happens to a pilot who is flying without the use of instruments and goes through a sloping cloud bank, for example. He can no longer perceive ground references, and he may not even be able to tell from the "seat of the pants" sensation (the response of nerve endings in the muscles and joints) or from the tiny balance organs that are part of the inner ear, which way is up-because these feedback mechanisms are both dependent on a correct orientation to the pull of gravity. So as the brain struggles to decipher the messages sent from the senses without the clues normally supplied by vision, incorrect or conflicting interpretation may result. And the result of such sensory confusion is this dizzy, whirling sensation known as vertigo.

Similarly in life, when we encounter extremely powerful influence sources, such as a powerful social culture, charismatic people, or group movements, we experience a kind of conscience or spiritual vertigo. We become disoriented. Our moral compass is thrown off, and we don't even know it. The needle that in less turbulent times pointed easily to "true north"-or the principles that govern in all of life-is being jerked about by the powerful electric and magnetic fields of the storm.

The Metaphor of the Compass

To demonstrate this phenomenon in my teaching-and to make five important points related to it-I will often get up in front of an audience and ask them to close their eyes. I say, "Now without peeking, everyone point north." There is a little confusion as they all try to decide and point in the direction they think is north.

I then ask them to open their eyes and see where people are pointing. At that point there's usually a great deal of laughter because they see that people are pointing in all directions-including straight up.

I then bring out a compass and show the north indicator, and I explain that north is always in the same direction. It never changes. It represents a natural magnetic force on the earth. I have used this demonstration in places throughout the world-including on ships at sea and even on satellite broadcasts with hundreds of thousands of people participating in different locations around the globe. It is one of the most powerful ways I have ever found to communicate that there is such a thing as magnetic north.

I use this illustration to make the first point: Just as there is a "true north"-a constant reality outside ourselves that never changes-so there are natural laws or principles that never change. And these principles ultimately govern all behavior and consequences. From that point on I use "true north" as a metaphor for principles or natural law.

I then proceed to show the difference between "principles" and behavior. I lay the see-through compass on an overhead so they can see the north indicator as well as the arrow that stands for the direction of travel. I move the compass around on the overhead so they can see that while the direction of travel changes, the north indicator never does. So if you want to go due east, you can put the arrow ninety degrees to the right of north and then follow that path.

I then explain that "direction of travel" is an interesting expression because it communicates essentially what people do; in other words, their behavior comes out of their basic values or what they think is important. If going east is important to them, they value that; therefore, they behave accordingly. People can move about based on their own desire and will, but the north indicator is totally independent of their desire and will.

I make the second point: There is a difference between principles (or true north) and our behavior (or direction of travel).

This demonstration enables me to introduce the third point: There is a difference between natural systems (which are based on principles) and social systems (which are based on values and behavior). To illustrate, I ask, "How many have ever 'crammed' in school?" Almost the entire audience raises their hands. I then ask, "How many got good at it?" Almost the same number raises their hands again. In other words, "cramming" worked.

I ask, "How many have ever worked on a farm?" Usually 10 to 20 percent raise their hands. I ask those people, "How many of you ever crammed on the farm?" There's always extensive laughter because people immediately recognize that you can't cram on the farm. It simply won't work. It is patently absurd to think you can forget to plant in the spring and goof off all summer, then hit it hard in the fall and expect to bring in the harvest.

I ask, "How come cramming works in school and not on the farm?" And people come to realize that a farm is a natural system governed by natural laws or principles, but a school is a social system-a social invention-that is governed by social rules or social values.

I ask, "Is it possible to get good grades and even credentials out of school and not get an education?" And almost everyone acknowledges this is possible. In other words, when it comes to the natural system of developing your mind, it is governed more by the law of the farm than the law of the school-by a natural rather than a social system.

Then I proceed with this analysis into other areas that people can relate to, such as the body. I ask, "How many of you have tried to lose weight a thousand times in your life?" A good percentage raise their hands. I ask them, "What really is the whole key to weight loss?" Eventually, everyone comes to see that in order to achieve permanent and healthy weight loss, you must align the direction of travel-your habits and your lifestyle-with the natural laws or the principles that bring the desired result, with principles such as proper nutrition and regular exercise. The social value system may reward immediate weight loss through some crash diet program, but the body eventually outsmarts the strategy of the mind. It will slow down the metabolism processes and turn on the fat thermostat. And eventually the body returns to where it was-or perhaps even worse. So people begin to see that not only the farm but also the mind and the body are governed by natural laws.

I then apply this line of reasoning to relationships. I ask, "In the long run, are relationships governed more by the law of the farm or the law of the school?" People all acknowledge they're governed by the law of the farm-that is, natural laws or principles rather than social values. In other words, you can't talk yourself out of problems you behave yourself into, and unless you are trustworthy, you cannot produce trust. They come to acknowledge that the principles of trustworthiness, integrity, and honesty are the foundation of any relationship that endures over time. People may fake it for a period of time or cosmetically impress others, but eventually "the hens come home to roost." Violated principles destroy trust. And it doesn't make any difference if you're dealing with relationships between people, or relationships between organizations, or relationships between society and government or between one nation and another. Ultimately, there is a moral law and a moral sense-an inward knowing, a set of principles that are universal, timeless, and self-evident-that control.

I then apply this level of thinking to issues in our society. I ask, "If we were really serious about health reform, what would we primarily focus on?" Almost everyone acknowledges that we would focus on prevention-on aligning people's behavior, their value system, their direction of travel with natural law or principles. But the social value system regarding health care-which is in the direction of travel of society-focuses primarily on the diagnosis and treatment of disease rather than on prevention or lifestyle alteration. In fact, more money is often spent in the last few weeks or days of a person's life in heroic efforts to keep that person alive than was spent on prevention during the person's entire life. This is where society's value system is, and it has essentially assigned medicine this role. That's why almost all medical dollars are spent on diagnosis and treatment of disease.

I then carry this analysis into education reform, welfare reform, political reform-actually, any reform movement. Ultimately people come to realize the fourth point: The essence of real happiness and success is to align the direction of travel with natural laws or principles.

Finally, I show the tremendous impact that the traditions, trends, and values of the culture can have on our sense of true north itself. I point out that often even the building we're in can distort our sense of true north because it has a magnetic pull of its own. When you go outside the building and stand in nature, the north indicator shifts slightly. I compare this pull to the power of the wider culture-the mega traditions, trends, and values that can slightly warp our conscience so that we're not even aware of it until we get out into nature alone where the "compass" really works, where we can slow down, reflect, and go deep inside ourselves to listen to our conscience.

I show the compass north shifting when I put it on the overhead projector, because the machine itself represents a magnetic force. I compare this to a person's subculture-which could be the culture of the family or a business organization or a gang or a group of friends. There are many levels of subculture, and the illustration of how a machine can throw off the compass is very powerful. It's easy to see how people lose their moral bearings and get uprooted by the need for acceptance and belonging.

Then I take my pen and put it up against the compass, and I show how I can make the compass needle jump all over the place; how I can totally reverse it so that north looks south. I use this to explain how people can actually come to define "good" as "bad" and "bad" as "good," because of an extremely powerful personality they come in contact with or an extremely powerful emotional experience-such as abuse or parental betrayal-or profound conscience betrayal. These traumas may be so shaking and devastating as to undermine their whole belief system.

I use this demonstration to make the fifth and final point: It's possible for our deep, inward sense of knowing-our own moral or ethical sense of natural laws or principles-to become changed, subordinated, even eclipsed, by traditions or by repeated violation of one's own conscience.

In spite of the work we do on mission statements, if we don't internalize them in our hearts and minds and inside the culture of the family, these cultural forces will confuse and disorient us. They will stagger our sense of morality so that "wrong" is defined more by getting caught than by doing wrong.

This is also why it's so important that pilots be trained in the use of instruments-whether or not they actually fly in instrument conditions. And that's why it's so important that children be trained to use the instruments-the four human gifts that help keep them on track. This is perhaps the greatest role of parenting. More than directing and telling children what to do, it's helping them connect with their own gifts-particularly conscience-so that they are well trained and have immediate access to the lifesaving connection that will keep them oriented and on track. Without such a lifesaving connection, people crash. They become seduced by the culture.

Striking at the Root

I once attended a conference entitled "Religions United Against Pornography" in which leaders of religious organizations as well as women's groups, ethnic groups, and educators joined together, united by the fight against this pernicious evil that victimizes primarily women and children. It became clear that although the subject was repugnant to people's sense of decency and virtue and they would rather not discuss it, they knew it must be discussed because it is a reality in our culture.

At this conference we were shown video clips of interviews with people off the street, including many young men and young couples. These were not violent gang members, druggies, or criminals; they were normal, everyday people who looked on pornography as entertainment. Some said they watched it daily, sometimes several times a day. As we viewed these clips it became clear to us that pornography had become deeply embedded in the culture of many of the youth in the country today.

I gave a presentation on how to bring about culture change. I then attended a session where women leaders addressed this issue. They related how Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) had become a compelling force in society when enough women became so alarmed about the issue of alcohol abuse that their involvement created a serious impact on the cultural norms in American society. They gave us booklets that described rather than showed the kind of pornography that was out there. And as I read about it, I became physically ill.

In my second and final presentation I told of this experience and how convinced I was that the key to culture change is to get people so immersed in the reality of what's happening that they can truly feel its full pernicious, sinister impact on the ethical and moral nature of people's minds and hearts and how this affects our whole society. The key is to make people sick the way I had been made sick, involve them in the data until they become thoroughly repulsed and motivated, and then give them hope. Get them involved in coming up with solutions and identifying what has happened elsewhere that has been successful. Work on awareness and conscience before you work on imagination and will. Stir up the first two human gifts before releasing the energy of the next two. Then search together for models and mentoring people or organizations that can influence for good and develop laws that promote the good and protect the innocent.

But above all-above legislation, above every effort to influence popular culture-strengthen the home. As Henry David Thoreau put it, "For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one striking at the root." The home and family are the root. This is where the moral armament is developed in people to deal with these pernicious influences that technology has made available and to turn the technology into something that enables and facilitates good virtues and values and standards to be maintained throughout society.

For laws to be effective there has to be a social will (a set of mores) to enforce those laws. The great sociologist emile Durkheim said, "When mores are sufficient, laws are unnecessary. When mores are insufficient, laws are unenforceable." Without social will, there will always be legal loopholes and ways to break the law. And children can quickly lose their innocence and become callous and eroded inside-sarcastic and cynical and far more vulnerable as prey to violent gang behavior, to adoption into a new "family" that gives acceptance and social approbation. So the key is to nurture the four gifts inside each child and to build relationships of trust and unconditional love so that you can teach and influence the members of your family in principle-centered ways.

Interestingly, one other significant outcome of the conference was the change in the very culture and feeling among the leaders of the various faiths. In just two days it moved from courteous respect and exchange of pleasantries to genuine love, profound unity, and open, authentic communication because of a common, transcendent mission. As the leaders discovered, in these perilous times we must focus on what unites us, not on what divides us!

Who's Going to Raise Our Children?

In the absence of an inner connection with the four human gifts and a strong family influence, what impact is the kind of culture we've described in this chapter- power boosted by technology-going to have on a child's thinking? Is it realistic to think that children are going to be impervious to the murder and killing and cruelty they watch seven hours a day on TV? Can we really believe the TV program directors who claim there is no hard scientific evidence to show a correlation between violence and immorality in our society and the graphic scenes they choose to show on the television screen-and then quote hard scientific evidence to show how much a twenty-second advertisement will impact the behavior of the viewers?20 Is it reasonable to think that young adults exposed to a visual and emotional TV diet of sexual pleasuring can grow up with anywhere near a realistic or holistic sense of the principles that create good, enduring relationships and a happy life?

In such a turbulent environment, how can we possibly think that we can continue with "business as usual" inside our families? If we don't build better homes, we'll have to build more prisons because surrogate parenting will nurture gangs. Then the social code will surround drugs, crime, and violence. Jails and courts will become even more overcrowded. "Catch and release" will become the order of the day. And emotionally starved children will turn into angry adults, plowing through life for love, respect, and "things."

In an epic historical study, one of the world's greatest historians, Edward Gibbon, identified five main causes of the decline and fall of Roman civilization: the breakdown of the family structure the weakening of a sense of individual responsibility excessive taxes and government control and intervention seeking pleasures that became increasingly hedonistic, violent, and immoral the decline of religion.21 His conclusions provide a stimulating and instructive perspective through which we might well look at the culture of today. And this brings us to the pivotal question on which our future and the future of our children depends: Who's going to raise my children-today's alarmingly destructive culture or me?

As I said in Habit 2, if we don't take charge of the first creation, someone or something else will. And that "something" is a powerful, turbulent, amoral, family-unfriendly environment.

This is what will shape your family if you do not.

"Outside in" No Longer Works

As I said in Chapter 1, forty years ago you could successfully raise a family "outside-in." But outside-in no longer works. We cannot rely on societal support of our families as we used to. Success today can only come from the inside out. We can and we must be the agent of change and stability in creating the supporting structures for our families. We must be highly proactive. We must create. We must reinvent. We can no longer depend on society or most of its institutions. We must develop a new flight plan. We must rise above the turbulence and chart a "true north" path.

Just consider the effects of these changes in the culture of the home and the environment as represented in the chart on these pages. Think about the impact these changes are having on your own family. The point of comparing today to the past is not to suggest that we return to some idealized notion of the 40s and 50s. It is to recognize that because things have changed so much, and because the impact on the family is so staggering, we must respond in a way that is equal to the challenge.

History clearly affirms that family is the foundation of society. It is the building block of every nation. It is the headwaters of the stream of civilization. It is the glue by which everything is held together. And family itself is a principle built deeply into every person.

But the traditional family situation and the old family challenge are gone. We must understand that, more than at any other time in history, the role of parenting is absolutely vital and irreplaceable. We can no longer depend on role models in society to teach our children the true north principles that govern in all of life. We are grateful if they do, but we cannot depend on it. We must provide leadership in our families. Our children desperately need us. They need our support and advice. They need our judgment and experience, our strength and decisiveness. More than ever before they need us to provide family leadership.

So how do we do it? How do we prioritize and lead our families in significant, productive ways?

Creating Structure in the Family

Think once again about the words of Stanley M. Davis: "When the infrastructure shifts, everything else rumbles."

The profound technological and other changes we've talked about have impacted organizations of all kinds in our society. Most organizations and professions are being reinvented and restructured to accommodate this new reality. But this same kind of restructuring has not happened in the family. Despite the fact that outside-in no longer works, and despite the astounding report that today only 4 to 6 percent of American households are made up of the "traditional" working husband, wife at home, and no history of divorce for either partner,22 most families are not effectively restructuring themselves. They're either trying to carry on in the old way-the way that worked with the challenges of the past-or they're trying to reinvent in ways that are not in harmony with the principles that create happiness and enduring family relationships. As a whole, families are not rising to the level of response the challenge demands.

So we must reinvent. The only truly successful response to structural change is structure.

When you consider the word "structure," think carefully about your response to it. As you do, be aware that you are trying to navigate through an environment where the popular culture rejects the idea of structure as being limiting, confining.

But consult your own inner compass. Think about the words of Winston Churchill: "For the first twenty-five years of my life I wanted freedom. For the next twenty-five years of my life I wanted order. For the next twenty-five years of my life I realized that order is freedom." It is the very structure of marriage and family that gives stability to society. The father in a popular family television show during the outside-in era said this: "Some men see the rules of marriage as a prison; others-the happy ones-see them as boundary lines that enclose all the things they hold dear." It is the commitment to structure that builds trust in relationships.

Think about it: When your life is a mess, what do you say? "I have to get organized. I have to put things in order!" This means creating both structure and priority or sequencing. If your room is a mess, what do you do? You organize your things in closets and dresser drawers. You organize within structure. When we say about someone, "He has his head screwed on straight," what do we mean? We basically mean that his priorities are in order. He's living by what's important. When we say to a person with a terminal disease, "Get your affairs in order," what do we mean? We mean, "Make sure your finances, insurance, relationships, and so forth, are attended to."

In a family, order means that the family is prioritized and that some kind of structure is in place to make that priority happen. In the mega sense, Habit 2-the creation of a family mission statement-provides the foundational structure for the inside-out approach to family living. In addition, there are two major organizing structures or processes that will help you put the family first in a meaningful way in your daily life: a weekly "family time" and one-on-one bonding times.

As prominent marriage and family therapist William Doherty said, "The forces pulling on families are just too strong in the modern world. Ultimately, we must decide either to steer or to go where the river takes us. The key to successful steering is to be intentional about our family rituals."23

Weekly Family Time

Outside of making and honoring the basic marriage covenant, I have come to feel that probably no single structure will help you prioritize your family more than a specific time set aside every week just for the family. You could call it "family time," "family hour," "family council," or "family night" if you prefer. Whatever you call it, the main purpose is to have one time during the week that is focused on being a family.

A thirty-four-year-old woman from Oregon shared this: My mother was the instigator of a weekly family activity time where we children got to pick whatever we wanted to do. Sometimes we went ice skating. At other times we went bowling or to a movie. We absolutely loved it! We always topped it off with a visit to our favorite restaurant in Portland. Those activity days always left me with a feeling of great closeness and that we really were part of a family unit.

I have such fond memories of these times. My mother passed away when I was a teenager, and this had a very traumatic impact on me. But my dad has made sure that every year since her death we all get together for at least one week-in-laws, children, everyone-to rekindle those same feelings.

When family members all leave to go to their homes in different states, I feel sad and yet so rich. There is such strength in a family that has lived together under the same roof. And the new members of our family have in no way detracted from this feeling-they have only enriched it.

My mother left quite a legacy. I have not married, but my brothers and sisters faithfully have their own weekly family times with their children. And that particular restaurant in Portland is still a gathering spot for us all.

Notice the feelings this woman is expressing about her memories of these family times. And look at the impact it has on her life now, on her relationships with her brothers and sisters, and on their relationships with the members of their families. Can you begin to see the kind of bonding a weekly family time creates? Can you see the way it builds the Emotional Bank Account?

A woman from Sweden shared this story: When I was about five or six years old, my parents talked to someone who told them of the value of having regular meetings with their family. So they began to do it in our home.

I remember the first time my dad shared with us a principle of life. It was very powerful to me, because I had never seen him in the role of formal teacher, and I was impressed. My dad was a busy and successful businessman and had not had very much time for us children. I remember how special and important it made me feel that he valued us enough to take time out of his busy schedule and sit down and explain how he felt about life.

I also recall an evening when my parents invited a famous surgeon from the United States to join us for our family time. They asked him to share his experiences of medicine with us and how he had been able to help people all over the world.

This surgeon told us how decisions he had made in life eventually led him to reaching his goals and becoming more than he had imagined. I never forgot his words and the importance of taking each challenge "one step at a time." But more important, his visit left me with the feeling that it was really neat that my parents wanted to invite visitors home to share their experiences with us.

Today I have five children, and almost monthly we bring some "outsider" to our home to get acquainted with, share with, and learn from. I know it is a direct result of what I saw in my parents' home. In our jobs or at school, we have an opportunity to be exposed to people from other countries, and their visits have enriched our lives and have resulted in close friendships worldwide.

This woman was profoundly influenced by a regular family time as she was growing up and has passed the legacy on to her children. Think about the difference this will make to her children as their family tries to navigate through a turbulent, family-unfriendly environment.

A weekly family night is something we've had as part of our own family from the very beginning. When the children were very small, we used it as a time of deep communication and planning for the two of us. As they got older, we used the time to teach them, to play with them, and to involve them in fun and meaningful activities and family decisions. There have been times when one of us or one of the children could not be there. But for the most part we've tried to always set aside at least one evening a week as family time.

On a typical family night we would review our calendar on upcoming events so everyone would know what was going on. Then we'd hold a family council and discuss issues and problems. We'd each give suggestions, and together we'd make decisions. Often we would have a talent show where the kids would show us how they were coming along with their music or dance lessons. Then we'd have a short lesson and a family activity and serve refreshments. We would also always pray together and sing one of our family's favorite songs, "Love at Home" by John Hugh McNaughton.

In this way we would accomplish what we have come to feel are the four main ingredients of a successful family time: planning, teaching, problem-solving, and having fun.

Notice how this one structure can meet all four needs-physical, social, mental, and spiritual-and how it can become a major organizing element in the family.

But family time doesn't have to be that involved-especially at first. If you want, you can just begin to do some of these things at a special family dinner. Use your imagination. Make it fun. After a while, family members will begin to realize they are receiving nourishment in more ways than one, and it will be easier to hold a more involved family time. People-particularly little children-long for family experiences that make them feel close to one another. They want a family in which people demonstrate that they care about one another. Also, the more often you do things like this in your family, the easier it will become.