PODKHALYuZIN. Many thanks, daddy; I'm well satisfied with what you've done for me as it is.

BOLSHoV. Nothing to thank me for! They're my own goods--I made 'em myself.

I give 'em to whomever I please. Pour me another! [TISHKA _pours another gla.s.s]_ But what's the good of talking! Kindness is no crime! Take everything, only feed me and the old woman, and pay off the creditors at ten kopeks on the ruble.

PODKHALYuZIN. Why, daddy, that's not worth talking about, sir! Don't I know what feeling is? It's a family affair--we'll settle it ourselves.

BOLSHoV. I tell you, take it all, and there's an end to it! And n.o.body can boss me! Only pay my creditors. Will you pay 'em?

PODKHALYuZIN. If you please, dad, that's my first duty, sir.

BOLSHoV. Only you look out--don't give 'em much. As it is, I suppose you'll be fool enough to pay the whole debt.

PODKHALYuZIN. Oh, we'll settle it later, daddy, somehow. If you please, it's a family affair.

BOLSHoV. Come, all right! Don't you give 'em more than ten kopeks. That'll do for them. Well, kiss each other!

_LiPOCHKA and LaZAR do so._

AGRAFeNA KONDRaTYEVNA. Ah, my little doves! How in the world did it happen!

I declare I've quite lost my head.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA.

"Whoever heard or saw such things?

The elephant's learning to fly with wings; The hen laid a door-k.n.o.b instead of an egg; And piggy is dancing a jig on a keg!"

_She pours out wine and goes up to RISPOLoZHENSKY; RISPOLoZHENSKY bows and declines the wine._

BOLSHoV. Drink to their happiness, Sysoy Psoich.

RISPOLoZHENSKY. I can't, Samson Silych--it turns my stomach!

BOLSHoV. Go along with you! Drink to their happiness.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. He's always showing off!

RISPOLoZHENSKY. It turns my stomach, Samson Silych! By heaven, it does!

I'll just take a thimbleful of vodka. But my nature won't stand the other.

I have such a weak const.i.tution.

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. Bah! you long-necked goose! Nonsense--much your nature won't stand it! Give it here. I'll pour it down his collar if he won't drink it!

RISPOLoZHENSKY. No fair, Ustinya Naumovna! That ain't nice for a lady to do. Samson Silych, I can't, sir! Would I have refused it? He! he! he! What kind of a blockhead am I, that I should do anything so rude? I've seen high society, I know how to live. Now, I never refuse vodka; if you don't mind, I'll just take a thimbleful! But this I simply can't drink--it turns my stomach. Samson Silych, don't you allow all this disorderly conduct; it's easy to insult a man, but it ain't nice.

BOLSHoV. Give it to him hot and heavy, Ustinya Naumovna, hot and heavy!

RISPOLoZHENSKY _runs away from her._

USTiNYA NAuMOVNA. _[Placing the wine on the table]_ You shan't get away from me, you old son of a sea-cook! _[She pushes him into a corner and seizes him by the collar._

RISPOLoZHENSKY. Police!

_All burst out laughing._

ACT IV

_A richly furnished chamber in the house of PODKHALYuZIN_

SCENE I

_OLIMPIaDA SAMSoNOVNA is sitting luxuriously near the window; she wears a silk waist, and a bonnet of the latest fashion. PODKHALYuZIN, in a stylish frock coat, stands before the mirror. Behind him TISHKA is adjusting his master's clothes, and adding the finishing touches._

TISHKA. There now, it fits you to a T!

PODKHALYuZIN. Well, Tishka, do I look like a Frenchman? Ah! Step away and look at me!

TISHKA. Like as two peas.

PODKHALYuZIN. Go along, you blockhead! Now you just look at me. _[He walks about the room]_ There now, Olimpiada Samsonovna! And you wanted to marry an officer, ma'am! Ain't I a sport, though? I picked the smartest coat I could find and put it on.

OLIMPIaDA SAMSoNOVNA. But you don't know how to dance, Lazar Elizarych.

PODKHALYuZIN. What of it--won't I learn, though, and the raggiest ever! In the winter we're going to attend the Merchants' a.s.semblies. You just watch us, ma'am! I'm going to dance the polka.

OLIMPIaDA SAMSoNOVNA. Now, Lazar Elizarych, you buy that carriage we saw at Arbatsky's.

PODKHALYuZIN. Of course, Olimpiada Samsonovna, ma'am! Of course, by all means!

OLIMPIaDA SAMSoNOVNA. They've brought me a new cloak; you and I ought to go Friday to Sokolniki.

PODKHALYuZIN. Of course, most certainly we'll go, ma'am; and we'll drive in the park on Sundays. You see our carriage is worth a thousand rubles, and the horses a thousand, and the harness mounted with silver--just let 'em look! Tishka! My pipe. _[TISHKA goes out. PODKHALYuZIN sits down beside OLIMPIaDA SAMSoNOVNA]_ Just so, ma'am, Olimpiada Samsonovna; you just let 'em watch us.

_[Silence.]_

OLIMPIaDA SAMSoNOVNA. Well, why don't you kiss me, Lazar Elizarych?

PODKHALYuZIN. Why, sure! Permit me, ma'am! With great pleasure! If you please, your little hand, ma'am! _[He kisses it. Silence]_ Olimpiada Samsonovna, say something to me in the French dialect, ma'am!

OLIMPIaDA SAMSoNOVNA. What shall I say to you?

PODKHALYuZIN. Oh, say anything--any little thing, ma'am. It's all the same to me, ma'am!

OLIMPIaDA SAMSoNOVNA. _Kom voo zet zholi!_