[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE SIMPLE LIFE"

_Mrs. Fitzpudgit._ "What is it, dear?" _Mr. F._ "Nothing, my love. Only another puncture."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "APPRECIATIONS," LOCAL

_Vicar's Wife._ "I see, Mrs. Fieldsend, that Mary is home again."

_Mrs. Fieldsend._ "Yes, m'm. You see, she has been a year at Crowe Rectory, and eighteen months at Exholme Vicarage, and now we want her to go into a gentleman's family!"]

FAMILY JARS.--_Joan._ "The _idear_ of Susan's askin' John to William's funeral, after the way 'e'd beyaved! I shouldn't certainly ever _dream_ of askin' 'im to _yours_!"

_Darby._ "_What!_ Then all _I_ can say is, I should be very much offended if you _didn't_!"

[Ill.u.s.tration: EXCHANGE NO ROBBERY]

LIVE STOCK.--_Little Miss Townley._ "Was that honey we had at breakfast 'home-made,' Mr. Stubbs?"

_Farmer Stubbs._ "Why, surely, missy."

_Little Miss T._ "Oh! Then I suppose you _keep a bee_?"

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Country Barber_ (_affably, to total stranger_). "Very tryin' weather this, sir. Makes you feel as if you'd like your body in a pond, an' your 'ead in a public-'ouse!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _The Rector's Daughter._ "My father feels it very much, Mrs. Barker, that you should leave the church every Sunday just before the sermon. Don't you think you might try and stay, in future?"

_Mrs. Barker._ "I dursn't do it, miss. _I do snore that dreadful when I'm asleep!_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Lady_ (_calling on new Vicar's young wife_). "Have you seen the library at the Hall? Sir George is quite a bibliophile, you know."

_Vicar's Wife_ (_warmly_). "Oh, I'm _so_ glad to hear that! So many of these wealthy men have _no_ religion!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Lady Visitor_ (_to old parishioner_). "Well, Mr.

Huggins, and has the nurse been to see you yet?" _Old Parishioner._ "Yes, mum, thank 'ee. She's called once, an done my foot more good than all the imprecations I've ever used!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE SLOc.u.m POGIS TOILET-CLUB

"These 'ere barbers makes a rare lot o' fuss about it, but 'tain't nowt to sheep shearin'."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: DIET.--_Village Doctor._ "Well, are you better? Have you taken your medicine regularly, and eaten plenty of animal food?"

_Patient._ "Yes, sir, I tried it, and so long as it were be-ans and o-ats, I could manage pooty well, sir; but when you come to that there chopped hay, that right-down choked me, sir!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: NEEDLESS ALARM

_He._ "The fellah actually thweatened to blow my bwains out!"

_She._ "Oh, how _could_ he? Of _course_ he wasn't serious."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE FORCE OF HABIT.--_Our County Member_ (_attending church during the Recess_). "I beg to move, sir, that the question be now put!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: OUR CHRISTMAS CONCERT.--_The Rector_ (_who conducts the Rehearsal_). "Suppose we try that movement again? I think, Mr. Footles, you were half a bar behind in taking up your point. Oh dear!--you're not going, Mr. Foo----" _Mr. Footles_ (_our Flauto Secondo, huffed_).

"Yessir. 'F you're so pertic'lar's 'alf a bar, I sha'n't jine the s'ciety!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: ARTFUL--VERY.--_Mary._ "Don't keep a screougin' o' me, John!" _John._ "Wh'oi bean't a screougin' on yer!" _Mary_ (_ingenuously_). "Well, y' can i' y' like, John!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Stranger._ "I suppose there's not much society about here?"

_Barber._ "Society! Why there ain't two soup an' fish families within a radius o' fifteen mile!"]

HOW MINERS OUGHT TO SWEAR.--"I'll take my Davy."

THE HARVEST OF CRIME.--The convict reaps the reward of his iniquity in the county crop.