[Ill.u.s.tration: _Stranger._ "You must find it very lonely on these hills."

_Shepherd._ "Lonely? No, I don't. Why, there was a man an a 'oss pa.s.sed yesterday, an' there's you to-day."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Agricultural Parishioner_ (_wishing to ingratiate himself with the new curate, who had given a lecture on the previous evening_). "Thank ye, sir, for your reading to us last night." _New Curate._ "Glad you liked it, John. I was a little afraid lest the lecture might have been just a _little_ too scientific." _Agricultural Parishioner._ "No, bless you, sir, not a bit of it. Why, we in these parts be just like young ducks. _We do gobble up anything!_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE _FARE_."--_The Rector's Wife_ (_at school feast, to one of the boys, who had been doing very "good business"_). "What's the matter, Noggins? Don't you feel well?"

_Noggins._ "No, m'm,--but--I'll hev--to be wuss, m'm--afore I give in!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE SUBSt.i.tUTE.--_The Rector's Wife._ "Oh, Mrs. Noggins, I should really try to break your parrot of his habit of swearing in that awful way!" _The Widow Noggins._ "Well 'm, I finds it such a comfort to 'ear 'im. Makes it seem more like as if there was a man about the 'ouse again."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Village Dame_ (_to eminent landscape-painter_). "Law, sir, I do often wonder how you can 'ave the patience to bide here day arter day, drarin' an' drarin'! But, there, one thing, you 'aves plenty o' company!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HORTICULTURAL CUTTINGS

(_Culled and Fetched from a Considerable Distance by Dumb Crambo Junior_)

Coaly-us.

Sinner-area.

Pet-you-near.

Ah,-but-ill-us!

Peeler-go!-nyum!

Haughty culture.

Gee-rainy-(um!).

Ran-uncle-us.

Prim-you-la!

A-rum lily.]

BOON COMPANIONS!--_Bargee_ (_to Rustic_). "What! Ge-arge!" (_Rustic grins in response._)

_Bargee._ "I'm allus main glad to see thee, Ge-arge."

_Rustic._ "Whoy?"

_Bargee._ "'Cause I know there must be a public-'ouse close by!"

[Ill.u.s.tration: "LAUDATOR TEMPORIS ACT I"

_Mrs. Ghoul._ "Ah, funerals isn't what they used to be in my time! I recollect when we 'ad 'am sangwishes and sherry wine; but now it's as much as you can git a bit o' cake and a cup o' tea. Ah!"]

CONTENTMENT.--_Giles._ "A happy New Year to you, marm, and I hope you'll be as lucky this year as I was last."

_Lady._ "Oh, thank you very much, Giles; but you surely forget that you lost your wife in the spring and broke your leg in the summer."

_Giles._ "Yes, but t'other leg's all right, and as for paw Soosan, it might have been I to be took instead."

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Vicar_ (_who has introduced "Gregorian" tones into his service_). "Well, Mr. Rogers, how did you like our music? Tradition says, you know, that those psalm tunes are the original ones composed by King David." _Flippant Parishioner._ "Really? Then I no longer wonder why Saul threw his javelin at him!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _The Vicar._ "I'm surprised at _you_, Miggs. Why, look at _me_. I can go into the town without coming back intoxicated." _Miggs._ "Yesh, zur, but _Oi_ be so popular!" (_Hic._)]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Vicar's Daughter._ "Oh, Mr. Gufling, I've called this morning to tell you that for the parish charities we open our most interesting show of local antiquities and curiosities, and may I hope that _you_ will kindly give it your countenance?"]

POETRY OF NATURE.--When mist falls upon the earth, and freezes, it forms rime.

_Customer._ "You told me that 'oss 'ad won a dozen matches agin some o'

th' best 'osses in the county. Why 'e can't trot a mile in ten minutes to save 'is life."

_Dealer._ "I didn't say 'e could. You never asked me what sort o'

matches. It was in ploughin' matches 'e took the prizes!"

[Ill.u.s.tration]