[Ill.u.s.tration: "OPPOSITION."--_First Town Councillor (who had recently been to Venice)._ "Now that we've a people's park, and a lake in it, I should suggest that half a dozen gondolas might be purchased, as they'd give quite a----" _Second Ditto (untravelled)._ "Oh, I don't see the good of havin' any more o' them foreign birds! We've plenty of ducks an'

geese already! 't any rate a pair would be enough to breed from. As to 'alf a dozen, I consider it'd be a waste o' public money, an' I'll oppose it tooth and----" [_They don't part friends._]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _The Squire._ "I don't seem to know your face, my man. Do you live about here?"

_Old Rustic._ "Yes, sir. But, yer see, I ain't often at the public-'ouse!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _First Doubtful Character._ "This yer's all 'umbug about a thief not bein' able to look a honest man in the heye."

_Second Doubtful Character._ "Well, if 'e can't, 'e can _punch_ 'im in the heye!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: LITTLE AND GOOD

_Gentleman._ "Who do these pigs belong to, boy?"

_'Chaw.'_ "Why, this 'ere owd zow."

_Gentleman._ "Yes, yes; but I mean who's their master?"

_'Chaw.'_ "Why, that there little 'un; he's a varmun to foight!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TRUE POLITENESS

(_Another incident at a Tenants' Ball_)

_Daughter of the house (dishevelled and torn after one turn round the room with clumsy partner)._ "Do you mind very much, Mr. Quickstep, if we sit out the rest of it?"

_Mr. Quickstep._ "Jest as you like, miss. I'm only a-dancin' for your pleasure!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Miss Marjorie._ "And how is your son James getting on, Mr. Giles?"

_Giles_ (_whose son has gone to London "in service"_). "Well, to tell ye the truth, Miss Marji, Oi'm very troubled about 'im. Oi 'ad a letter last week, an' 'e says that 'e's livin' in a buildin' with 'undreds of people in it, an' it's three or fowr 'ouses one on top o' t'other. 'E says there's a railway carriage without an ingin' that goes up the middle o' th' buildin', an' the lights is all in bottles, an' you turns 'em on with a tap without usin' a loocifer, an'----"

_Miss Marjorie._ "But why are you troubled about James?"

_Giles._ "Aye, Oi fear 'e must 'a took to drink, miss!"]

SYMPATHY.--_Giles_ (_ruefully_). "Villiam, I've been an' gone an'

'listed!"

_William._ "Lor'! 'ave yer, though? Got the shillin'?"

_Giles._ "Yes."

_William._ "Well, then, let's go an' 'ave a gla.s.s at the 'Barley-Mow.'

Don't let's be down'earted!"

[Ill.u.s.tration: QUITE A DIFFERENT THING.--_Vicar's Wife._ "Well, Mrs.

Bloggs, I'm glad to hear your husband has given up drinking. I hope he's all the better for it?" _Mrs. Bloggs._ "Oh, yes, 'm, that he be. Why, ever since 'e took the pledge, he's been more like a friend than a husband!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SCENE.--_A Country Drawing-Room._

_Visitor_ (_to old lady and daughters, one of whose hobbies is the keeping of a small herd of Jerseys_). "By the way, I didn't see you at our local agricultural show."

_Daughter._ "Oh, no! We never go unless we exhibit ourselves."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A SLIGHT MISTAKE.--_Farmer._ "Where 'ave ye been all this time? And where's the old mare--didn't ye have her shod as I told ye?"

_Jarge._ "Shod! Law, no, marster. I bin a buryin' she! Didn't I think thee said '_shot_'!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE SIMPLE LIFE"

_Mr. and Mrs. Fitzpudgit's Experiences of a Week-end Country Cottage._

_Mr. Fitzpudgit._ "What's the matter with the eggs, Matilda? I've tried them with a fork two or three times, and they're not soft yet!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE SIMPLE LIFE."

_Mr. Fitzpudgit._ "Now don't faint again, my dear. I'll soon have this old rabbit in bits, now!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE SIMPLE LIFE"

_Charwoman._ "If yer please, sir, th' landlord says as 'ow 'e can't do nothin', 'cos the thatcher's busy with the ricks."]