Accompanying a target as a group so she can go where she wants to go without interference from anyone; there is no need for a verbal statement-just shielding a bullied girl with love can put a bully off.

Standing up to a bully-in-action as a group, calmly and politely, with something like, "This is wrong and you're so much better than this. We just don't want bullying in our school."

Helping bullied girls stand up for themselves by doing role playing to build their confidence and give them practice in being assertive (activities in Girl Politics work well here). If she knows someone has her back, she can reclaim her power.

Informing appropriate adults just to make them aware of the stand they're taking. Most grown-ups are supportive of peaceful, student-centered resolution.

And finally, getting adult help immediately if things get physical or a mob forms; keep remembering the difference between tattling and telling.

Once they've helped one person, they may be ready to go the extra mile to make sure bullying doesn't happen again. Encourage that girl group to take their campaign global (well, you know, schoolwide). Help them write a pledge and ask permission that it be posted for students to sign, making it public that they won't tolerate bullying in the place where they should be able to feel safe and valued. This is the example used in Girl Politics: As part of my community I will Pledge to be part of the solution.

Eliminate taunting from my own behavior.

Encourage others to do the same.

Be more sensitive to other people's feelings.

Set an example of a caring individual.

Not let my words or actions hurt other people.

Stand up for those who are being mistreated.

With your help, tween girls can form an alliance for a world that is secure and accepting, where they can learn and grow and become all they were made to be. Isn't that the world we want for our precious mini-women?

Dealing with the inner bully

"I'm trying to remind myself that I am a miracle, but when I look at myself I ask, 'Where is the miracle in that?'"

Age 12 Finally, I don't know about you, but sometimes the meanest bully we have to contend with is ourselves. That inner bully was especially active when I was the mother of a tween girl. "You aren't doing this right," I would say to myself. "It's your fault she doesn't make straight A's-how's she going to get anywhere in this world on A's and B's?" "Look at her bedroom-I'm surprised you haven't been reported to the health department." "You are the worst mother! You cannot go to bed until you have cleaned her room, checked her homework, packed tomorrow's lunch. I don't care how tired you are." If anyone else had said those things to me, I would have told them to bite me. But I had trouble smacking down the voices coming from my own head.

If you have trouble with the inner bully, imagine what your daughter deals with. "I talk too much-I don't ever know what to say-I'm too tall-too short-so boring-so different-so chubby-so scrawny. I should be like my sister-my best friend-Miley Cyrus. But I can't-so I must be a loser!"

Without the filter that comes with maturity, she's more likely than you are to believe all that stuff that passes for truth in her mind. Even if she escapes bullying on the playground or in cyberspace, she probably won't remain entirely out of reach of the Mean Girl that is herself.

So how do we stop bullying ourselves? Here's one suggestion which you can also teach your daughter to do-or do it together.

In a quiet time and space, think of one way that you're mean to yourself. Do you keep on cranking out those bake sale cookies and chauffeuring those children when you are about to drop from exhaustion? Do you look at yourself in the mirror and think thoughts you'd never say to your best friend (or your daughter), thoughts like, "You are so disgustingly fat it's a wonder anybody even wants to be around you." Do you belittle yourself even to the people who love you: "I am horrible at parenting." "I'm just too stupid at math to help him with his homework." "Why did I ever think I could be a PTO officer-I'm going to be horrible at this."

Now do one small thing to stop treating yourself the way an RMG treats her target. Write out a pledge to stop saying certain things to yourself. Set a limit on how much you can do in a day and prepare to let your family know what that limit is. Plan how you'll stop putting yourself down in front of your friends, maybe by asking them to call you on it when you start in about your weight or your lack of organization or your failure to be the perfect parent.

Save time to pray. I can't imagine that God wants us to take away our own power to be who he made us to be. I can imagine that he wants to hear how hard that is-and that we know he'll help. As the bullied David says at the end of our Psalm: "But as for me, I trust in you" (v. 23 NIV).

Bridging the Gap

Father, I think it's time to beg. is dealing with the kind of cruelty no child of yours should experience, initiate, or witness. Please, bridge the gap between her need to cope with and heal the meanness in the world and what I am able to teach her. I do trust in you. Amen.

In closing...

This is my favorite kind of email from tween girls-next, of course, to the ones that say, "You are my favorite author, Nancy Rue. Your books rock!"

"My mom probably knows me better than I know myself."

"Each night my amazing mom lets me rattle on about every thing, and I mean everything, that happened that day."

"I have a really good relationship with my mom and I can pretty much talk to her about anything and everything."

"I love that when my mom talks to me, she doesn't talk down to me and treat me like a kid. She treats me like an adult."

That tells me that moms are doing so much "right." That you're raising your daughters with all the love that's in you and all the Holy Spirit that's in you-and it's working. It tells me that someday you will get an email like this one from my thirty-year-old daughter: You are the best mom ever. The best thing you ever taught me was to listen to myself and trust myself, and you taught me that by listening to me and trusting me, and not judging me when I made mistakes or choices that aren't mistakes, but which differ from what your choices would be. You mastered the balance between being the mom, the authority, the guide, and then turning into the friend when it was appropriate. I love being your friend.

That was in response to an email I sent to her: Thanks for being my friend as well as my daughter. No other woman in the world knows me exactly the way you do, and I think one of the most important desires we all have is to be known and understood. Perhaps that's why I'm working so hard on this book for moms. I could write faster and just get it done, but I want so much to make sure moms see that they can either be an exquisite influence in their daughter's lives, or reduce them to scars that they have to spend their adult-hoods trying to heal. I want them to know that someday their daughters can be the best friends they could ever have. That's what happened to me.

That was truly my intent in writing this book for you, the moms of mini-women. I didn't set out to give you a step-by-step, guaranteed plan to turn your daughter into your best friend, because there is none. I've only offered guidelines and suggestions born from the wisdom I've gathered in my years as mom, teacher, writer, and lover of all things tween. Most of it, however, comes from you. If you have learned only one thing from this book, I hope it is this: that you are the only one who truly knows how to raise your daughter.

So as you go on from here with that confidence-that God-confidence-just keep remembering these things: You have wisdom. God makes sure of that. Trust it.

You know your child. As you allow her to grow more and more into her true self, you will know her even better. And best of all, you will learn from her.

You know yourself. You know when you're parenting authentically, because it sings.

That is all. The rest is in the details, and many of them are here, in this book, whenever you want to turn back to them. If you don't find what you need, you know how to reach me. We can talk together until we uncover the answers.

I lied-that is not quite all. I want to send you off with one more piece of advice. Fall in love with your daughter. It is a divine love that brings you closer to God.

And all the mothers of mini-women said...

"Amen."

Moms, please feel free to contact me!

nnrue@att.net Nancy Rue P.O. Box 217 Lebanon, TN 37088 www.nancyrue.com

Notes.

Why Do I Need an Ultimate Guide?

1. I am paraphrasing Carol Gilligan, renowned psychologist and student of adolescent female behavior. I wish I could take credit for thinking of the pizza image myself.

2. Dr. James Garbarino, See Jane Hit (New York: Penguin Press, 2006), 5.

3. Dr. Daniel S. Acuff and Dr. Robert H. Reiher, Kidnapped (Dearborn Trade Publishing, 2005), 7. Acuff and Reiher are referring to a 2003 Kaiser Foundation Report.

4. Ibid., 143.

5. Dr. Mary Manz Simon, speaking at a seminar for booksellers at the 2006 International Christian Retail Sales convention on trends in chil dren's products. Dr. Mary has become a trend marketer as a result of raising her own three children in this whole new world.

6. Janice Chaffin, "Can Technology Buy You Love?" Posted May 4, 2009. Norton Online Living Report, www.nortononlineliving.com. Accessed August 1, 2009.

7. Simon.

8. Garbarino, 22-23. Dr. Garbarino is citing a study done with 11,000 children by psychologists J. Lawrence Aber, J. L. Brown, and S. M. Jones and published as "Developmental Trajectories Toward Violence in Middle Childhood," Developmental Psychology 39, no. 2 (2003): 324-48.

9. "Stomp Out Cyberbullying!" Posted 2006. Cafe Aspira, www.cafeaspira .com. Accessed May 2009.

10. Ken Burger, "Looking at the World Differently." Posted September 17, 2009. Darkness To Light, www.darkness2light.org. Accessed September 20, 2009.

11. 2008 Harris Poll, as quoted by Laura Bishop of WAFG-FM radio in an interview with me in August 2008.

12. Melinda Wenner, "The Serious Need for Play." Posted February 2009. Scientific American, www.scientificamerican.com. Accessed February 12, 2010.

13. Simon.

14. Amy Green, "Finding My Religion," Sojourners, June 2008.

15. Michael Y. Sokolove, Warrior Girls (Simon and Schuster, 2008), 224.

16. Simon.

17. That's backed up by the aforementioned Harris Poll, in which 60 percent of the tweenage girls surveyed said they still rely on their parents more than they do on their peers, although peer pressure starts to play a larger role as they enter middle school.

18. Garbarino, 225.

19. Again, the Harris Poll concurs. Seventy percent say they turn to their faith for help with difficult issues.

Chapter 1: Will My Real Daughter Please Step Forward?.

1. Neil Howe and William Strauss, Millennials Rising: The Next Great Generation (New York: Vintage Books, 2000), 20.

2. Ibid., 19.

3. Ibid., 164 4. Dr. Mary Manz Simon, speaking at a seminar for booksellers at the 2006 International Christian Retail Sales convention on trends in children's products.

5. "Tweens Favor Inhalants to Get High." Posted March 13, 2008, CBS News Health, www.cbsnews.com.

6. Dr. Dan B. Allender, How Children Raise Parents (Colorado Springs: Wa-terbrook, 2003), 8.

7. Dr. Mary Manz Simon, Trend-Savvy Parenting (Carol Stream, Ill.: Tyn-dale, 2006), 3.

Chapter 2: Is She Herself, or Is She You?.

1. True Colors I first learned about this concept at a Theatre and Education conference in 1993, but it has been expanded significantly since then. For more information, google The Source in You.

2. The Book of Common Prayer (Seabury Press, 1976), 302. The promise made by parents and godparents in the sacrament of holy baptism, when a child is presented to be baptized.