One: detecting bullying in our work or personal relationships reveals to us, sharply, the feelings involved. The anxiety, the knot in the stomach, the urge to stand up and scream, "Doesn't anybody else see this?" Those are the same visceral reactions our daughters have when they're caught up in daily meanness. Multiplied by a hundred, that is-because they have even less control over what's happening in their circumstances than you do in yours. Knowing that your child is suffering even a fraction of what you yourself have experienced in adulthood is enough to make you go in there swinging (which I don't advise that you do...more on that shortly).

Two: I know I sound like a CD on repeat, but your daughter is aware of the way you handle your own difficult situations. If you come home from work venting about your tyrannical boss, she's listening. If you let your sister-in-law walk all over you, she's watching. If everybody in your household walks on eggshells around you, fearful of one of your blowups, she feels that. You can tell her how to stand up for herself or another kid with words even David would envy, but if you're not doing it yourself, your voice sounds to her like the parents on a Peanuts cartoon. Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah. Do I even need to point out that your own bullying-even a little-is going to give her absolutely no motivation to stop her own?

So-an honest look at the peer abuse that could exist around you: Does a personal bullying situation immediately come to mind? A demanding supervisor? Domineering father-in-law? Rude bill collector using threats and intimidation when a simple past-due reminder would suffice?

Or-is anything slowly dawning on you? How abrupt you are with the people who work under you? The feeling of power when you make decisions for people-and the anger when they don't appreciate it? The fact that you tiptoe around a friend because you're afraid she'll turn on you-and you've seen what she can do?

Are you doing anything about it? Do you feel like you even can without dire consequences?

Do you think going to God with it will change anything? Really-deep down-really?

No judgment. No guilt. Just a look at how hard this is. How important it is that all of us-the bullies, the bullied, and the bystanders-be healed. Let's move on to how.

Going for It

In this section you'll see this phrase used repeatedly: take back the power to be yourself. That's the goal, whether your daughter is being abused by her peers, or she's seeing it happen to other girls, or she's the one doing the abusing. She's not being truly herself in the situation-or it wouldn't be happening-and in fact she's lost sight of how to even be that. She's given up her God-given power, the only power any of us really has, and she doesn't know how to get it back.

It's easy to be puzzled by my use of the word power here, because it looks like the bully has all of it, and if her target takes that away, then she has it and she becomes the bully. Doesn't that just perpetuate the meanness by turning it into a power struggle?

It would if we equated power with force. The bully is using force to get her way. The bullied one doesn't want or need to do that in return. She needs the power, the innate ability, to walk away and return to herself. The bully has forced her to give up that power. She just wants it back. And the bully herself has given up her power to be who she truly is within. She doesn't even know it's in there, so taking it back is even harder for her. The girl who is watching all of this go on usually knows who she is, but she just can't be true to it. She too has lost power.

So as we talk about the ways girls can take back the power to be themselves, we're not talking about might, about who has control over whom. This is not, in fact, power over anything. It's a strong, gentle thing within that has the power to show itself without fear. I'm not giving you a plan to turn bullied girls and bystanders into bullies themselves, nor am I suggesting that bullies should become targets and get a dose of their own nasty medicine. I hope to help you equip your daughter to embrace her real mini-woman self, in a way that will not only remove her from bullying, but empower her to put an end to peer abuse in her community.

Helping your bullied daughter

Once you've determined that this is not just girl politics your daughter is embroiled in, that she's the victim of out-and-out abuse, you need to become involved in how she handles it. You can start by acknowledging that the problem is real and that you know she's suffering. Be clear that you're willing to listen and you want to help-but that you aren't going to march up to the school and make a scene. Do not say, "Just ignore them," "Don't take it so personally," or "You just need to stop letting people walk on you and stand up for yourself." If she could do any of that, she already would have. She may, in fact, have tried already, with bad results.

Of course, assess whether she's in physical danger from the bullies. If that's the case, all bets are off. She needs your immediate protection. Call the teacher, the coach, the principal-whomever-until somebody pays attention. Insist that the bully be kept away from your daughter, or anybody else she might hurt, for that matter. If it means a call to the school board, so be it. Do not assume that a twelve-year-old isn't going to carry out a threat to "kick your butt," "take you down," or "beat the snot out of you" (or variations thereof). Not convinced? Cruise YouTube. You can find over two thousand videos of girls pulling hair and knocking out teeth.

That's the extreme. If it hasn't come to that in your daughter's case, if it's her emotional and mental well-being that's being threatened rather than the physical, you can proceed to the next steps. The first is to learn all the details you can without doing a bare-bulb interrogation. Is the abuse happening at school? On the athletic field? Over the phone? Online? Don't eliminate the possibility that it could be going on at church.

Wherever it's taking place, talk to your daughter about how she can limit the bully's access. Explain to her that this is not a relationship she needs to "work out." This person is not a friend who has committed a "flub." Your daughter doesn't need to try to change her or figure out some way for them to become BFFs. The goal is to keep herself out of harm's way as much as possible. Don't sit near her at lunch. Don't try to join in her games at recess. This is not cowardly. This is a young woman avoiding someone who is toxic because she just doesn't want to be around her. This is one time you can tell your daughter to "fake it till she makes it." Work with her on not showing fear when she chooses to wait until the RMG is finished at the pencil sharpener before she goes up there. To practice, role-play if that works for you two. It's personal power she's showing: "I choose not to be anywhere close to you."

That's impossible to do in many instances, especially if they're in the same class or play for the same team. Your job is to help your daughter find ways to get her power back when she does have to be in close proximity to her tormentor. It is not a good idea to take her off the soccer team if she really loves the game or let her stay home from a birthday party because "she" is going to be there. Explain that she has the right to go where she wants to go and do what she wants to do, and if a bully is preventing that, you can help her take back that right.

Helping her see the difference between avoiding unnecessary contact with someone who treats her like a dog and asserting herself so she can do the things she really wants to do could take some time.

"Fake It Till She Makes It"

"Once I was watching these two little boys for their mom and they tied me up while we were playing. I was stuck and it scared me half to death, but I acted like it was all part of the game. That wasn't any fun for them since I didn't freak out, so they untied me."

age 12 "I was walking home from school and these boys were following me and calling me names like Wide Load and Blubber. I really wanted to cry and scream at them to leave me alone, but I knew if I did that they would never stop. So I pretended like it didn't bother me and held my head up and kept walking. Then when I got inside my house I cried for, like, an hour."

age 10 You can try listing all the situations where she's faced with Mean Girl and together put them into their proper columns-I Can Avoid Her and Be Happy or I Can't Avoid Her and Still Be Happy. Don't do it for her. Just walk her through it. This is her first step in taking back her power.

Next explain that the bully is trying to scare her into thinking that she's nothing, nobody-but there isn't anything that bully can do to take away who she is. "She obviously doesn't even know who you are," you can tell her, "or she wouldn't even try this with you." Her power to be herself, then, is still safe. So-there is no reason to run away crying when the bully does her thing. Tell it to her straight: Yes, it hurts, but don't show the bully that it hurts. Running away in tears gives her a reason to pick on you some more. Straighten your shoulders and pretend it doesn't matter until you can get to a safe place, away from her. The worst thing you can do is tell or show her that she's getting to you. That's what she wants to do! Give her what she wants and she'll keep on. Take it away, and she's got nothin'.

When walking away is not an option-and it often isn't in her world-give your daughter responses she can use that don't turn her into someone she isn't. Our temptation as moms is to say, "Give back as good as she gives. If she insults you, insult her back." You might as well quote, "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth." Shutting the bully up is the goal, not riling her up. These responses have been known to work quite nicely: "Did you really just say that to me? Wow. I think you're better than that." What's the bully going to say, "No, I am NOT better than that!"

"Is that supposed to bother me? Because it doesn't. I'm really fine without you liking me." Any response a bully gives to that will be ludicrous and she knows it-or she'll find out. "No, you're not-you need me to like you," comes to mind. She wants this girl to like her so she treats her like trash? Huh.

"I'm really kind of bored with this." Period. I can't even think of an answer even the meanest of bullies could give-because it isn't a question.

Speaking of questions, coach your daughter in not asking any she really wants answers to. That includes, "Why are you doing this to me?" "Why can't you just leave me alone?" and "How much longer are you going to do this?" That only fans the flames. The point is not to engage in conversation with the bully any more than she has to. Completely ignoring a bully doesn't usually work; she'll keep it up until she gets a reaction. Trying to work it out with her is worse. Avoiding her isn't always possible. But your daughter can always keep a confrontation short and, for the bully, pointless by refusing to discuss or try to work things out or take the bait for more taunting and ridicule. "I'm really over this" and walking (not running) away at the next possible opportunity are her best shot at getting back her power.

If your daughter has a hard time looking someone in the eye and saying what she needs under normal circumstances, the above is going to be incredibly hard for her. Rehearse at home. Then encourage her to gather supporters when she knows there's going to be an issue. If the bully and her pals won't let her go to her locker before school, she can ask a group of girls-they don't even have to be friends of hers if she's BFF-less at the moment-to go with her. If they surround her as she approaches her locker and stand there, ignoring the bullies, while she gets her books, and then accompany her on down the hall, you can bet that gang of meanies isn't going to start a rumble. If the bully works solo, there is no way. Remind your daughter that a bully is, deep down in there, afraid of something. A coward isn't going to fight a battle she knows she can't win. But caution your daughter: Don't turn the group who helps you into a bully gang of its own, sworn to get back at those Mean Girls once and for all. This is about being yourselves and refusing to give power to people who want to take that away.

Once your daughter gets the idea that she has personal power, she may get feisty and want to fight back. Remind her that she is better than that. She doesn't have to show that bully who's boss, because neither one of them is boss. It can be hard for her to discern the difference between power over and power to. The examples of DO SAY and DON'T SAY on pages 104 and 105 of Girl Politics can be extremely helpful, and are ready-made for rehearsing. Doing it is the best way to learn to do it right.

Explain to her that in the midst of all this she probably isn't going to change the bully, and, noble as that is, helping the bully isn't her mission right now. Her job is to let God heal her heart so she doesn't lose herself, and to be a strong example for her peers for how to live a Jesus life. What she does will make a huge difference in her in the best way possible-from the inside out. That way, no bully princess or anyone else who pressures her can determine what she does and says and how she lives.

What if what a bully says about your daughter has a little bit of truth in it? That may be the unkindest cut of all. Maybe she is lacking in some social skills. Perhaps she does have some habits that drive people nuts. She may even say to you, "They say I'm fat-but I already know I'm fat!" How is she going to take back the power to be herself when she doesn't even like herself-or at least who she thinks she is?

First, remind her that it's the way the bullies say it that makes it mean and wrong. Okay, so she has some things she might want to work on, but it's not okay for people to point them out in cruel ways. You're walking a maternal tightrope when you suggest that she could be cleaner and neater when she goes to school, or she might actually stop trying so hard to be funny. Let her think that you think her abusers are right and you'll both crash to the ground. Step carefully and you can show her that if she improves in those areas she'll be happier and more genuine-but don't allow her to think she needs to do that to avoid bullying. She's not the one committing the crime.

If nothing seems to work, and sometimes it doesn't, support your daughter in going to the adults who can alter the situation. She's probably going to balk. "My teacher won't listen-she tells us not to tattle!" "The other kids will think I'm a tattletale and then I won't have any friends!" Her arguments are valid, unless you show her the difference between telling and tattling. Tattling is done to get somebody else in trouble. Telling is done to get somebody out of trouble, including yourself. Work out with her who she should tell-coach, teacher, school counselor. Rehearse with her what she'll say-sticking to the facts and explaining the effect this is having on her. Plan what she'll do if she gets, "Oh, you girls and your drama. Can't you just get along?" Assure her that if no one listens and takes action, you will be there to back her up. Promise her that you will only intervene completely if- She's in physical danger.

Her school experience is being affected.

She's physically ill because of the way she's being treated.

She feels so sad and hopeless she doesn't want to go to school or activities.

Assure her that the bully isn't going to make things worse for her if she tells and something is done. This isn't the mafia. There are people who can stop her. There is no shame if your tween tried to stop her and couldn't. There is great good in making sure somebody does. As for other kids-nobody's going to be disappointed that the bully is knocked from her throne. She's likely to hear a collective sigh of relief from the entire sixth grade.

The final step is the hardest one for girls to take, the one Jesus said, in no uncertain terms, we have to take.

"I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves." (Matthew 5:44-45) That is a recipe for an eye roll if I ever saw one. "Mo-om! She does all this dirty, rotten stuff to me and I'm supposed to love her? Could Jesus make this a little harder maybe?" Rush-and I do mean rush-to tell her that doesn't mean she has to hang out with the bully and try to be her friend while allowing her to continue to stomp all over her. Then you can walk her through what Jesus does mean: Pray for her. Not, "Father, please let a bushel of basketballs fall on her head." And not, "God, thank you that I'm better than she is." Just, "God, please heal whatever's making her such an RMG."

Have compassion for her. Being mean never gives a person joy, so a bully is actually pretty miserable. Your daughter can be soft toward her in her heart, even though she can't trust her with her feelings.

Avoid telling everyone what a mean little brat she's being. She may be doing that to you, you can say, but as a Christian, you don't get to do that to her.

Forgive her. Not, "It's okay that you've made school a torture chamber for me." It's just a matter of not holding hate in her own heart and letting go of thoughts of making that RMG suffer. (While you're at it, you might do a little forgiving of her yourself, Mom. You know you need to...)

Helping when cyber bullying is involved

The most disappointing part of cyber bullying is that the Internet was designed to give everyone a chance to be heard, but it's so often used to criticize and humiliate, which shuts people down. As parents we can say, "All right-no electronic devices, just to be on the safe side," but that cuts our girls off from getting information they need or communicating in a fun way with their friends or doing positive works that reach more than their small circle of BFFs. It is so unfair for them to have to give up a valuable tool because someone else is abusing it-and them. The following are suggestions for how to both prevent cyber bullying and how to deal with it if it erupts.

The Internet is part of your household. You still get to decide who does what there. Have a designated computer area in the "command central," high-traffic part of your home. Family rooms and kitchens are the usual sites. Even if your tween has her own laptop, only allow her to use it in that central area. Her bedroom is not a good place for her computer, no matter how much she may wail.

Limit her time on the Internet and on her cell phone if she has one. Text messaging can easily get out of control-especially if you have "unlimited texting" on your plan. (The dad of a tween recently told me his daughter sent nine thousand text messages in one month. That's three hundred a day.) She can have input on those time limits, but hold firm (and while you're at it, would you teach her some cell phone etiquette)?

You may not be the most popular mom on the block for this, but provide an Internet filter (being aware that the older they get the more savvy they are about getting around the road blocks). Occasionally check her online history or skim through her emails. You don't have to be constantly POS (Parent Over Shoulder), and do assure her that you're not trying to invade her privacy. You just want to protect her. Just so you know, the number one risk factor for kids getting into trouble online is parental naivete.8 So stay educated and pay attention. Your daughter will be grateful for the safety, as long as she knows you aren't simply poking around in her business. Ah, it's another one of those tightropes.

Speaking of safety, go through the common-sense rules for kid safety on the Internet if you haven't already: Never give out personal information in chat rooms or on blogs.

Don't share passwords, even with your BFFs.

Don't give people you don't know or trust your cell phone number, instant messaging name, or email address, because they can use those things, pretending to be you.

Use a screen name that doesn't give out anything about your age, gender, or location.

Learn about your email program so you can create files and email filters, and route folders. This can help shield you from hateful emails.

If your daughter is the victim of cyber bullying, tell her not to reply to any kind of communication that's abusive or obscene. The first time it happens, ignore it and hang up or log off. If it happens again, even once, contact the service provider (Yahoo, Hotmail, Verizon, AT&T, etc.) and ask for a number to call to report abusive messaging. You (Mom) call it. You can even forward nasty emails to your service provider. If the abuse continues, save all the evidence-print out emails, save text messages, don't delete voicemail. You'll need it to take action.

Try to find out who's doing the bullying. In Outlook or Outlook Express, for example, you can right-click over an email to reveal details about where and from whom the email came. That puts you in a position to contact a parent or the service provider. If a bullying message was sent from a school computer, contact the school administration immediately. Keep reminding your tween that this is telling, not tattling. If cyber bullying is happening on a website, find out who hosts the site and report it. If physical threats are made online or by phone, call the police. I'm serious. Cyber bullying is against the law. Don't put up with it.

Helping your daughter if she bullies

I may be fooling myself to believe that any mother thinks this section applies to her daughter. Maybe it doesn't. It definitely doesn't just because she's popular and leads her posse. Not all "Cool Girls" are mean and controlling. But if your daughter shows any of the signs of bully-ship we talked about earlier, you owe it to her to at least look at what might be going on and how you can lead her closer to her true self and further from the path she's currently on. If your daughter is the bullied one, this section may be helpful to you as well-part of Jesus' instruction to have compassion on those who hurt us. My suggestions, however, are addressed to the mom whose daughter is acting like an RMG.

The first order of business is to confront her behavior. Your approach doesn't have to be "You're mean and I don't know how you got that way but I'm not having it." I'm not sure that's going to work anyway. A more effective go at it might be "I know you're not an awful person, but you have to stop treating people this way. We need to find out a way for you to feel good about your life that doesn't involve hurting somebody else." Keep working at it until she admits that what she's been doing is wrong. The consequences for her actions will be worthless unless she takes responsibility for them. Yeah, so "Go to your room and don't come out until you can say you're sorry and mean it," is pretty much out of the question. And for now, don't bother asking her why she does what she does, because she doesn't know yet.

Make sure she accepts the fact that she has no right to insult, intimidate, threaten, or abuse another human being. Period. No matter what her "reasons" are and no matter how much sense they make to her, it is NOT okay to bully. If you know her propensity toward meanness comes from her home life, promise her that you're going to change that. If that means admitting to doing some bullying of your own, do it. You won't lose her respect. If you've bullied her, she probably doesn't have much respect for you anyway, and now you have a chance to earn some.

Once she sees that the way she's been treating her peers is unacceptable, give her credit for facing what she's doing and wanting to change. That's your first chance to convince her that she herself isn't bad. She has to know that or there is no change in sight. And it's your first opportunity to tell her that now she can turn the power she's been using in the wrong way (because she is obviously a person with great personal power) into something that can change the world for the better. Knowing she doesn't have to creep meekly around for the rest of her life will lessen the blow of being toppled from her throne.

Your very next step, before anything else, is to urge her to go to God and pour it all out. Tell her she can ask God to forgive her and God will. Encourage her to ask God to help her to push the RMG ideas out of her head so she can be filled with love and compassion-and some real joy. If she gives you a blank look or doesn't seem to know where to start, offer to pray with her. Explain that she'll need to do that every day, whenever the urge to taunt somebody rises up in her. Be sure she has the time and private space to do that. Offer a candle or some quiet music, anything to help her set the world aside and focus on just God and her.

Only when she believes God is in this with her can she really begin to change. Now you can start to help her figure out why she's mean to people. Go through the false premises we talked about earlier and see if any of them fit. She won't be able to sort them out herself, nor can she sit for hours while you lecture her about them. Carve out some short sessions where the two of you can explore together. Spend most of that time listening to her, even if she says things that horrify you. ("I see that girl just being fat and ugly and it grosses me out and I can't leave it alone.") If you've already established that she's been wrong, wrong, wrong, there's no need to beat that dead horse. Stay focused on "What's really going on here?"

If after a few talks you realize you're not getting to the bottom of her behavior, don't throw up your hands and say "I tried but she's just too stubborn." Seek professional help for her, and for your entire family if they form some of the basis for her false premise. There is no shame in bringing in someone who knows the child mind and has experience in helping girls change. If your daughter were suffering from diabetes or leukemia, wouldn't you take her to a specialist?

When she's ready-truly contrite and on her way to discovering what makes her time bomb tick-you can suggest these steps for her to take. They aren't things she has to check off to stay in your good graces and avoid punishment. They should only be done if she herself sees how important they are.

First, she can go to the girls she has hurt and ask their forgiveness, without expecting that they'll hug her and say it's okay. Whatever their response, just doing it will soften her inside.

Second, she can tell her bully-mates she isn't going to be mean to other girls anymore. That may mean losing them as friends, but keep telling her that the nicer she becomes, the more real friends she's going to have. Explain that people like to be around someone with personal power, as long as she uses it the Jesus way.

Third, she can get rid of anything in her life that triggers mean behavior on her part. If she gets mad when she plays sports, maybe she should back off playing for a while until she gets her anger under control. If she's only mean when she's around certain people, it's time to avoid them. Help her to fill up the empty spaces that may leave with new things that bring out the best in her-volunteer work, for instance (but not as a punishment-please!).

Fourth, she can carry a small mirror in her pocket. Every time she gets a strong urge to make fun of somebody or threaten them with social disgrace, she can pull out the mirror and look at the expression on her face. It brings to mind another one of Jesus' instructions: "It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own" (Matthew 7:3).

Finally, if she was a "Christian bully" who made the lives of the "unsaved" so miserable they'll probably steer clear of Christianity forever, she can apologize and offer to talk to them about how great God is or answer any questions they have. She can even invite them to church. Just keep reminding her that girls who don't believe yet aren't carrying a contagious disease called "Non-Christian."

Helping your daughter stop being a bystander

Happily, this situation has fewer deep-seated issues at the bottom of it. A girl who doesn't step in to stop bullying isn't operating from a false premise. She's just trying to protect herself. She may even have heard from you: "Don't get involved in other people's drama." Most tween girls have a strong sense of justice, though. All your daughter needs is the message that there are no "innocent" bystanders, and a little direction, and she'll take off on a crusade that is worthy of her growing integrity. She'll not only help stamp out bullying in her class, her grade, and her school, but she'll learn how to fight injustice wherever it shows its ugliness in her life. I wouldn't doubt that she'll become an inspiration to you.

Start by rallying your daughter and her friends to declare war on bullying-but not on the bullies themselves. They'll respond well to getting the best of evil by doing good, by taking the power out of bullying with actions that are true and noble and right and pure. Again, there is no one more responsive to that call than a tween girl.

Help them develop a code of behavior for themselves. Before they can take a stand they have to embody what they believe. Their code of honor should state (in their own words) that they: refuse to put labels on people.

won't laugh at put-down jokes.

will not repeat rumors or listen to gossip.

will not allow anyone else to control how they treat people and will be careful whom they follow as a leader.

will make it their mission never to let anyone feel completely left out.

will get to know people who are bullied, so they're less likely to allow others to be mean to them.

will always tell other people that they think bullying is wrong-in a loud voice if necessary.

When the girls feel empowered by their code and have put it into practice, you can help them plan their attack-on bullying itself, not on the bully. Their plan might include: Apologizing to anyone they haven't helped in the past and assuring her they won't allow the bullying she's suffering to continue; seeing that a target has a friend, a bully will often stop.