5.

Passing the Beauty Care Baton

Didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit?...The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 "My mom always says when I have an issue, I should come to her and tell her. But I kinda wish she would just say, 'Hey, do you want to try a different haircut or go shopping for some new clothes?' It can get really uncomfortable always having to ask. I want her to be interested in all of me."

age 12 Whether she's a complete non-groomer or she's mirror-obsessed or she's the little beauty who pushes every limit, sooner or later the care and keeping of your daughter's physical appearance is going to lie entirely in her hands. Which means that in her tween years, she's standing somewhere on the bridge between you tying her shoes and her buying her own. And you're the one who will walk her across the expanse.

Hopefully you're clear at this point on why her relationship with her own appearance has to be healthy, strong, positive, and God-centered. Now let's look at what you can do, physically, to help her across that bridge-without hurling one or both of you over the side. In fact, if you aren't actually grinning (giggling, maybe?) by the end of this chapter, I haven't accomplished what I want to, which is to help you make the trip across the bridge belly-laugh-'til-you-can't-breathe fun. For your daughter and you.

Getting Clear: Tween Beauty Isn't an Oxymoron

Dealing with appearance won't be fun-not even close-unless you know what to expect in tweenhood. Some of the stuff your daughter might toss out onto the family table could throw you off balance-as in "You want to what?"-if you aren't prepared. These are the issues that commonly come up during the eight-to-twelve years. Keep in mind, as always, that these are the "usual" traits. Your daughter may not exhibit any of them yet, and in rare cases never will. But to be forewarned is to be forearmed!

Self-criticism

Most little girls think they're precious-because they are. They still are when they turn eight, but somewhere in the tween years they start chipping away at that. Their naturally developing ability to scrutinize and analyze isn't limited to science projects and what's-wrong-with-boys. Sooner or later, most of them turn it on themselves. You may hear: I'm fat.

My lips are huge.

My hair is gross.

I hate my freckles (my ears, my nostrils).

Why did I have to get Dad's nose?

I wish I looked like Miley Cyrus.

I'll never look like Miley Cyrus.

I think I hate Miley Cyrus.

I think I hate me.

Mind you, in the next breath she may inform you that she's glad she's blonde (or red-headed or curly-haired), or just happily skip out the door to whack a soccer ball around the backyard. But intermittent tent critical assessment of herself in the bathroom mirror (while her brothers bang on the door) is to be expected.

An in-between body

It used to be so simple. When she was a baby, the clothes were marked 3 months, 6 months, 12 months. As the mom of a toddler you could count on 2T, 3T, 4T. As a preschooler she graduated to the "big girl" sizes in rapid succession, the only hiccup perhaps being an X behind the number. And then it started to get complicated. 6X is big enough around but way too short. Size 8 is slim enough but those legs seem to be coming right out of her neck. Her body is ready for junior sizes, but the style is much too sophisticated for a ten-year-old.

"My mom hasn't given me much advice on beauty. Mostly she says wear clothes that actually fit you, but not so tight they emphasize all your bits of fat."

age 10 It's absolutely normal for the hormonal craziness she's experiencing to put her little body through several interesting permutations that refuse to fit into off-the-rack sizes. But trying on clothes can become a dismal affair in which that cute new style that "everybody" is wearing just won't hang right from her chubby center or her newfound hips. Tears in the fitting room are not uncommon. But then neither is complete blindness to the fact that this is not her best look. You never can tell. (From one shopping trip to the next.) If your daughter's body really strays from the "norm"-she's taller than everyone in her grade, she's the class shrimp, she's the first one to be visited by the breast fairy-she may get hung up on that from time to time, unwilling to believe she isn't doomed to weirdness for the rest of her life.

A sudden, unexplained desire to look like a teenager

We've talked about how the marketing world is pushing for age ten to be the new fifteen. Eighty percent of mothers in one study said the fashions they're finding in the girls' department are too provocative.1 That's a function of our times. However, there is also a natural wistfulness in a tween girl to be "grown up," which can show itself in a crush on one of the Jonas Brothers, the doubling of her use of the word "whatever!"-and the belief that makeup is the key to the meaning of life.

In another recent study, 35 to 54 percent of tween girls said they're not too young to wear lipstick, mascara, and eye shadow.2 Even if your daughter would rather have her face painted at a carnival than wear lip gloss "for real," she will at some point think about what it's like to dress, flirt, style her hair, and apply eyeliner like a sixteen-year-old. Wanting to experiment with a blush brush now is perfectly normal.

Confusion about modesty

"I don't feel ugly anymore when I have new clothes-I feel pretty. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I wish my mom understood that clothes aren't the only thing that's important to me-but that they matter."

age 11 While you are already concerned about her showing too much cleavage-whenever she gets some-your tween daughter doesn't yet think of herself as a sexual being. She may appear to be boy crazy, mimic the bumping-and-grinding of the high school cheerleader next door, and beg for the skinny jeans that reveal her brand of underwear, but she isn't doing any of that because she wants to be "sexy." No matter how precocious her body is, she doesn't know anything about being seductive. Most of that is the imitation of all things teenage we talked about above. If she stares at you like you've grown a second head when you refuse to buy that pair of microshorts, she's not headed toward becoming an exotic dancer. She really doesn't get it yet.

Very real angst over "beauty bummers"

Your daughter may have had that mole on her cheek since birth or worn glasses from the time she was four without complaint, but it's not uncommon in the tween years for that to abruptly become an obsession. Nobody in the family has teased her about her lazy eye, but she suddenly wants to all but pluck it out. Please can she have that microscopic wart on her finger removed? Her "Dumbo" ears fixed?

Even the changes all the girls are going through can loom like King Kong. It has always seemed a cruel twist of fate to me that just when a girl is starting to care about her looks, puberty kicks in and brings with it a whole raft of beauty challenges: pimples, greasy hair, weight gain, and hairy legs. We suffer a lot of the same things in middle age, come to think of it, but by then we hopefully have the wisdom and experience to cope with it. Who faces it with aplomb at age ten, eleven, or twelve?

Some interest in basic beauty care

Those hours of watching you apply toner to your face and do your nails when she was a sweet little baby girlfriend, were a warm-up for the time when she'll want to do those things to herself. But not necessarily on a regular basis in the tween years. Life's too full of other important things like sleepovers, BFFs, and maneuvering her way out of her turn to do the dishes. But you may find her lingering over cosmetics ads in magazines or smelling your night cream. Tomboys might squirm at the introduction of conditioner to the hair-washing routine, but don't kid yourself. They secretly like those soft, shiny results.

Questions about taboos

You may be taken aback-if not horrified-by questions like, "What's wrong with piercing your belly button anyway?" "What would you do if I ever got a tattoo?" "Why do grown-ups hate it when kids dye their hair green?" But there's really no need to consider an exorcism-or launch into a lecture. It's just a question about something she hasn't quite figured out, and you are still the resident expert on all things. So-she sees the college student with the multiringed nose when she accompanies you to Starbucks. The high school kid who bags your groceries has enough ink on his arms to pen the Declaration of Independence. These people smile at her and chat with you, so she knows they aren't serial killers. Yet she also knows you don't approve of face piercing and body art. Naturally she's going to want to know what that's about. Her asking doesn't mean she's considering slipping out to the nearest tattoo parlor.

That may all be "normal," you say-but it's also a little bit scary for you. What if she comes out of this phase wanting to dress like a hoochie mama or...?

Okay-so think of it this way. When your daughter passed her second birthday, she blurted out the occasional "No!" at the very least, and you didn't assume she had oppositional defiant disorder. If she mastered the classic temper tantrum, you didn't rush her off to the child psychologist. You just knew the terrible twos had invaded your home. The same can be safely assumed if she exhibits the above signs now. She isn't vain, shallow, or bound to turn her skin into a mural. She's only being a tween girl. And just as you taught her the inappropriateness of pitching a fit when she was a preschooler (how many times did you lock yourself in the bathroom during that process?), you can help her work through the stuff of tweenhood too. A look at some divine guidance to start.

From the Ultimate Parent

The "body as a temple" passage from 1 Corinthians, quoted at the beginning of the chapter, is usually used in reference to not trashing it with promiscuity. That makes sense in the context, since Paul is railing on the believers in Corinth for wasting themselves in loose living.

But I think it's a mistake to stop with the "Don't indulge in illicit sex" interpretation, saving this deep piece of Scripture for after you've had "the talk" (or planning to use it instead of the talk!). That "sacred place" (v. 19) Paul refers to isn't just your daughter's genitalia. It's also that crop of blonde curls. Those chocolate-brown eyes. Her soon-to-be-graceful hands. The cute space between her front teeth that causes her no end of prepubescent grief. Why not impart to her now that she can honor God by honoring her face and her grace and the way she's put together, which are just as important a part of her body as her sexuality? If she emerges into full womanhood knowing that when she shines light on the unique beauty God has given her, she shines light on him, that belief will provide a foundation for her entire physical life.

"The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you," Paul writes to the errant Corinthians. "God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body" (v. 20).

Do I hear an amen to that?

Test Your Own Waters

This is the self-check I offer tweens in the book The Skin You're In. We call it "That Is SO Me." It might be revealing for you to take the quiz, just to give yourself more information as you and your young beauty make your way across the bridge.

Here's what I tell the girls: Be really honest with yourself as you read these possible thoughts. Put a star (*) next to each one you've ever had for more than, like, two seconds. Even if you don't believe the thought, but it nags at you sometimes, give it a star. There's no right or wrong. No good or bad. There's just you.

(Moms: These have been tweaked for your benefit, but the meaning is the same.)

That Is SO Me Quiz

I'm fat.

I'm unattractive.

I don't look that bad except for my .