I'm too tall (or short) to be considered beautiful.

I have my mother/father/Aunt Mildred's , which is not good.

I hate having to wear (glasses, a padded bra, that frumpy uniform for work).

I'd secretly love to look good enough for the cover of Vogue (Redbook, Today's Christian Woman).

There is no way I'd ever look good enough for a magazine cover (no matter how extreme the makeover).

People who tell me I'm attractive are just trying to make me feel good.

When someone implies that I'm not attractive, I'm right on the same page with them.

I don't do much to improve my looks because I know it wouldn't make much difference.

If I were better looking, I'd probably have more friends.

I really don't care that much about how I look. I'm just not the girly type.

If you have between 11 and 13 stars, you seem to be having a tough time seeing your own beauty.

If you have between 4 and 10 stars, you're like most girls your age who go back and forth between thinking they're not so bad and deciding they're total freaks.

If you have between 0 and 3 stars, a lot of the time you're seeing the beautiful person you were made to be.3 Just something to think about, Mom. (True confession: I scored a 2 today. Ask me again tomorrow...)

Going for It

Now for the fun part!

I mean it. Helping your daughter refine her natural beauty doesn't require-nor should it include-anything resembling hard work. That's why each of the suggestions I'm offering here includes a celebration, a party, or a goofy way to play yourselves into discovery. In my delightful dealings with tween girls at events and workshops, I've found that they will get on board with just about anything as long as it has the potential for fun. Most of the time, their moms are right in there with them. I get the giggles myself just watching them clap and dance and dive for flying inflatable frogs (you had to be there)-together. So many mothers have emailed me saying what great conversations they had with their daughters on the way home in the car.

I just smile.

There is no reason why the discovery of blossoming beauty has to be such a serious business. Blow-drying your hair and finding something to wear may have become a chore to you, but (a) it's still something of an adventure to the daughter who has only recently given up playing in the sandbox, and (b) wouldn't you like to put a little charm back into your own life too?

So c'mon. Leave the lectures and the worrying and the nagging for other things and dance with your daughter across that bridge. Some suggestions:

Dealing with self-criticism

If your daughter has made a science out of detecting flaws not visible to anybody else's naked eye, or has become fixated on some physical funkiness, it's time for you to do a little detective work of your own. Until you can name what's really causing her to flip out-outside or inwardly-she'll continue to beat herself up-or you. It's highly unlikely that she's going to come to you and say, "I cry at the dinner table every night because the other girls tease me about being fat so I'm trying not to eat-but I'm hungry!" She's more likely to burst into tears when you serve the spaghetti and leave you to figure out what just went down.

Your first step is to get her acting out into perspective. Neither of these is true: She's overreacting.

There's something psychologically or emotionally wrong with her.

This is just the teachable moment-so give her a quiz. It might be something like this: Okay, Emily (Hannah, Madison, Katie...)-pick a letter: (a) Some RMG (Really Mean Girl) or ALC (Absurd Little Creep, not excluding brothers) made fun of you today.

(b) I said something that made you feel Bag-Over-the-Head Hideous even though I didn't mean to, but sometimes it happens because my kids have stolen my brain cells.

(c) You have an oral report coming up and you're nervous about standing up in front of everybody.

(d) _________________ (insert BFF's name) is getting all this attention from boys (or the Cool Girls, or the New Pretty Girl) and you aren't.

(e) all of the above (f) none of the above If she chooses f, she'll probably blurt out her "reason," if she hasn't done it already. Obviously I'm not suggesting that you commit this exact "quiz" to memory-although if you feel so inclined, by all means knock yourself out! What I'm offering is simply the multiple choice idea, fashioned to your personality and your daughter's. It isn't a matter of being glib. It's about using a non-threatening, mood-lightening way to give her possible causes for her sudden self-hatred so that (a) she can see that the negative thoughts she's having about herself aren't accurate-they're just reactions, and (b) she can learn to figure out what's going on with herself without you telling her (because chances are she isn't going to believe you anyway; after all, Mom, "you just don't understand!") Even simply, "Are the RMGs at it again, or is there some other reason you have your hood over your face?" will get her thinking beyond, "My zits look like leprosy!" It's all about an understanding tone and as much humor as you can introduce without you yourself belittling her temporary pain. In a less angst-ridden moment you can even bring her in on the creation of the quiz. Mini-women I know have come up with some succinct choices-RMG Attack, ALC Alert, OSA (Older Sister Again), BFF Issues, to mention a few.

Once you two name it, the nit-picking at herself will probably subside as together you explore the real issue. It may turn out that she's just ready to look better and wants some help with her hair, but was afraid to put that into words. Great. That's the simplest-and most fun-fix of all.

"My mom's pretty good with style but sometimes I just like something I like. A lot."

age 10 Your next move is to get her focused on the positive, rather than the things she's convinced are ruining her life. You can't do it by pointing out her pretty features yourself. That's sure to elicit-"You have to say that stuff because you're my mom!" Nor will you get the desired result by making it sound like a consolation prize-"Okay, so you have a beak like a fledgling eagle, but look at your nice smile" (or, worse, how good you are at piano). The best approach is to get her to appreciate her finer qualities on her own. This is a fun thing we do in the Beauty Workshop. It's called "So You Think You Aren't Beautiful? Think Again!"

Go to your respective mirrors with paper and pen (colored gel pens set the perfect tone if you have any around).

Each of you look honestly at the person in the mirror-every detail from cute cowlick to linty little toes. If something isn't the way you wish it was, skip over that. Just concentrate on each tiny thing that is beautiful-and there's a lot in every female.

Write down each pretty piece-shiny hair, eyebrows that almost talk, teeth white as Chiclets-all of it.

Smile at the girl in the mirror as if you want to be her best friend. Add new things to the list that appear when you do that.

Come back together and read your lists to each other.4 That may lead to the question: Isn't this conceited? My best answer? No. Being aware of your own loveliness so you can bring it out doesn't mean you think you're all that. Now, pointing it out to everyone in sight ("Do I not have the cutest freckles on my nose?") would be "stuck up," but that's not what you're doing. It is an honor to God to enjoy the beauty he's given you, just as it is to enjoy the splendor he's put into a rose, a black stallion, or a sunset over the Gulf of Mexico. Quietly appreciating what God has done for you is giving him the honor due his name.

In-between body

You can tell her in all honesty that she's going to grow and change shape a lot before she's fully mature, so she shouldn't get freaked out about the fact that she towers over all the boys. She might even believe you. But it's a lot more fun, and way more effective, to take her focus off of her current figure altogether and help her develop her personal style instead. We've already said she may be inclined to want to look like the identical twin of her BFFs, but even within those limitations she can find unique pieces of herself. Here is an activity that will help you guide her toward her own special look: "When we're buying clothes, my mom always says, 'It's all about comfort!' That's because she always wears jeans and stuff. I want to buy some skirts or a dress. I'm just more girly than her."

age 10 1. Go through a tween magazine like Discovery Girls or a girls' clothing catalog or to a website. As you chat, encourage her to make a wish list of the things she would pick out if money were no object and other people's opinions weren't a factor. Older tweens may argue that that's never going to happen, but most between eight and twelve eventually get into this. Your job is to listen, watch, and observe-not to say, "Well, you can just forget about that" or "I don't think that's you at all!" Nobody said you were going to buy anything-and this isn't about what you think, it's about what she thinks. As a sense of a style emerges, ask her to describe it. Multiple choice helps: sporty, romantic, creative, or classy, for instance.

2. Since you have pictures in front of you, help her make a collage of her style so she can dream on it. The tweens I do this with in workshops love to gaze at what they've come up with, and are amazed at how different theirs is from the BFF they've been cloning. What I love best is that the difference doesn't seem to matter.

3. Together make a small card she can carry with her the next time you shop together for clothes. On the card will be a list of her "requirements" for a piece of clothing to rock. Basics would be- helps me feel like I'm part of the group (not a loser).

is my style (I don't feel like I'm wearing somebody else's shirt).

brings out all my best qualities (instead of the ones I'm not so crazy about right now).

isn't just cool to me because it comes from the right store.

"When I was nine or ten, I used to want desperately to wear lots of jewelry and makeup and look like my mom. But now that I'm allowed to wear more makeup, I can tell I'm really not any more beautiful than I used to be! I'm so glad Mom didn't let me grow up that way too quickly."

age 14 On the back of her shopping card, you can write down your guidelines: Skirts can be inches above the knee.

Necklines can be inches from the collarbone.

Jeans can be inches below the belly button and can only look tight enough to .

It's all right there. Debates in the dressing room are eliminated with a wave of the card.

Wanting to look like a teenager

It's tempting when she's eyeing your tube of lip gloss to say, "You want to grow up too fast. You need to stay a little girl." That's actually true-we do want them to enjoy what's appropriate to their age and not rush into places they're not ready for. But looking ahead is natural for all of us. While we're loving where we are, we're also preparing ourselves for what's ahead. When you were pregnant, I'm sure you read some how-to-take-care-of-baby books or suddenly took notice of how your girlfriends were mixing the formula for their infants. Right now, I'm definitely learning all I can about menopause! By sneaking a peek at Seventeen magazine or eavesdropping on her big sister's phone conversations, she isn't necessarily trying to rush into adolescence. She's just preparing herself. Which also means it isn't cause for you to give in and take her to the next Mary Kay party.

What could be more fun, actually than playing around with the trappings of teendom without having to endure any of the angst? There are some healthy ways to do that.

One is to hold a "Makeup Madness" night at your house for your daughter and her BFFs. (This is described in detail on page 37 of The Skin You're In.) Basically all the girls bring stand-up mirrors and any makeup that can be put on with fingers or cotton swabs. You and your daughter supply tissue, washcloths, etc., and magazines with pix of girls in makeup. Anything goes as they do makeovers on each other, trying on different looks, telling each other they look gorgeous, taking pictures. Then they wash it all off, have a healthy snack, and go back to their natural selves with memories of fun and a glimpse of what they might look like when and if it is time for sophisticated makeup. Making it a party game keeps the wearing of makeup from being some mysterious and serious thing they have to do in order to feel grown up. Been there, done that for the time being. What's next? Wanna watch Shrek again?

"When I see other girls my age parading around looking like a newly painted Picasso, I feel really grateful I've been brought up by Mom in a way that has shown me that makeup is fine, but certainly not in excess."

age 14

God-respect

The older a tween gets, the more she's probably going to want to know why she can't wear shorts that say "Sweet Cheeks" across the seat-and I'm not sure that "Because Jesus doesn't want you looking like a hoochie mama!" is our most effective answer. It's true, of course, but you might get further with this approach- Occasionally I'm asked to give a talk on modesty, and I always say I don't give presentations on the topic per se. Instead, I would rather discuss self-respect, or even better, God-respect. When a girl honors the self she's been made by God to be-really made to be-she doesn't have to be told not to parade something that just isn't her. No girl just "is" happy to share her body with all takers. That comes from extra baggage that gets piled on through abuse and other experiences, including the culture. If she's being who she truly is, she won't even think about advertising what isn't for sale.

So if she asks why, this is one time you can tell her that the miniskirt that shows her buns when she leans over isn't her. That she's way better than the message that sends. No girl is going to say, "No, I am not better than that!" With all the work you're doing on helping her to be authentic and all the fun you're having together discovering her style, she probably won't even ask why she can't don "hooker wear."

"I didn't always understand it when I would ask my mom if she liked my outfit and she would say, 'That's pretty short...' But now I guess I do. She just loves me and doesn't want to see me hurt."

age 13

Beauty bummers

Whether your daughter has an obvious physical challenge or a smaller anomaly that she's suddenly stressing over, or she's just adjusting to the wild changes in appearance that come with puberty, it's important for you as a mom to strike a balance between blowing off her discomfort ("Don't be silly-nobody even notices that") and pathologizing it ("We have to get those teeth straightened before she develops self-esteem problems that will plague her for the rest of her life"). Doesn't it seem like everything about raising a tween daughter requires some kind of balancing act?

This one isn't that hard to achieve, actually, if you teach her how to reach that balance. I advise the tweens I work with to apply the famous Serenity Prayer to their "Beauty Bummers."

God, please help me to know what can be changed and what can't.

Show me how to change what can be changed, even in a small way.

Teach me to accept what can't be changed, and maybe even make it work somehow.

Say she has what she considers to be the longest nose in the galaxy, and other kids (boys in particular) are calling her Pinocchio and she's ready to smack somebody. You can walk her through the questions and together come up with the answers: Can you change your nose? Not without plastic surgery. Besides, the rest of your face hasn't caught up with it yet. It could look totally different in a year. Can you change Absurd Little Creep Boys? Not a chance, so wrinkle that wonderful nose at them and walk away.

How can you make it a little better? Part your hair on the side and not too flat on top. Choose colors that bring out your eyes.

How can you accept it and make it work for you? It's a family trait so be proud of it. Find another way to describe it besides "honkin' huge." Noble? Strong? Comical? Queenly? Call it that in your mind and it'll change the way you feel about it, especially when some ALC thinks he's being original and calls you Pinocchio for the forty-fifth time.

Suggestions for using the Serenity Prayer for glasses, braces (which have nowhere near the oh-no value that they used to have since they started coming in colors and became a status symbol; who knew?), being tall, being big, and skin issues are found in The Skin You're In. (I personally use it now for gray hair, crow's-feet, and the sagging of just about everything.) Another way to help your daughter get "flaws" of any kind into perspective is to do this fun thing: Roll out a big piece of paper and have her lie down on it.

Trace an outline of her onto the paper.

Load her up with non-black crayons, markers, or colored pencils and have her draw in all her features that she loves or that she hardly even thinks about or that, okay, at least nobody makes fun of. Encourage her to make it as colorful and beautiful as possible.

Give her a black marker or crayon and have her draw in anything she considers to be a flaw.

Look at the final picture together. You probably won't have to point out that there's a lot more color than black on there. There may be flaws, but they've got nothing on all that colorful beauty.

You may worry that all this attention to her flaws-perceived or real-will cause her to focus on them, but I have found the opposite to be true. This is big stuff to her and she wants to be taken seriously. If you drive this down someplace where she's not allowed to talk about it, it will continue to eat away at her, unresolved. If you can help her minimize or cope with it, while understanding how it's affecting her, she'll not only be able to move on to the more delightful aspects of being a girl, but she'll know how to do that for herself in the future-when those breasts seem out of control or she's struck with acne or she goes through a trip-over-everything phase. You won't be teaching her to be obsessive about her appearance. She will only be obsessive if she has to live with the teasing.

One more tidbit. If you see a change in her appearance that isn't all that attractive-an outbreak of pimples on her back, a mole on her shoulder, the first signs that she's going to have hips like your mother-in-law-and she either hasn't noticed it yet or doesn't seem to be bothered by it, by all means don't bring it to her attention. What, truly, is the point? If you have to-if that mole looks suspicious, for example-I suggest doing it quietly, in private, and as off-handedly as you can. ("Huh-you have a little mole there, hon. Let's have that checked out by the doctor, just to be on the safe side.")