And then there's the other extreme that I've experienced in churches, where a woman's appearance is seen as a direct and singular reflection of her devotion to God. It's the interpretation of Proverbs 31 that reflects its true meaning about as accurately as a funhouse mirror. The model wife described there is certainly something for a woman to aspire to spiritually. A literal exegesis leads us to believe we've got to make ourselves a wardrobe of fabulous clothes and wear them while we're preparing breakfast, selling fields, mending the winter coats, and keeping everybody in the household busy and productive. I suspect a number of the Christian weight-loss programs that imply we are not living up to God's expectations if we're packing a few extra pounds are a direct result of that kind of scriptural distortion.

Yeah, the very faith that is supposed to make the path clear for our daughters can definitely throw some booby traps in their way.

With all of that going on in her world, no tween girl would have a chance of entering her adolescence with a decent image of her own beauty if she didn't have a mentor to help her sort it through and throw out what's damaging and cruel and just plain false. You are that mentor. Let's build the foundation for your approach with, of course, our God.

From the Ultimate Parent

I'm offering this to you the same way I present it to the mini-women who read Beauty Lab. Same Scripture, same explanation, same everything. It still applies to you, even though you are now a taller tween.

You believe in God, right? You believe God's in charge because God's perfect, yes? So you agree with all the things David says about God in Psalm 139: God knows everything about you (vv. 1-4).

God is everywhere (vv. 5-12).

God created your "inmost being" (v. 13 NIV).

And if you believe that, then you can say this right along with David: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

v. 14 NIV "Fearfully" doesn't mean like Dr. Frankenstein's monster (although even he turned out to have a soft spot). It means "awesomely." You were made to be awesome and wonderful. There it is, right in the Bible. God knit you together with love in every stitch. He thought of you, and you became.

You are the result of God's precious thought. You're not some modeling agency's thought (though there's nothing wrong in theory with being a model). Not a Cool Girl's thought (although a lot of Cool Girls are really nice). Or that Boy's thought (which he doesn't even understand himself!). None of those. Just God's thought.

You are a beautiful person. Believe it.

And-God doesn't just want you to know you're beautiful. God wants you to show it-not by plastering on makeup or spending a bajillion dollars on clothes, but by shining from the inside. Jesus talked about that in his teaching.

You can-and should-let God's "precious thought" out where it can shine like a light. Be every bit the beauty God created you to be, so other people will see Christ in you and be drawn to you. Then you can love them and show them more about God's works. No one can do that when she's hiding her beautiful self.

Okay...go ahead and ask it. You know you want to: "But aren't some girls more 'precious' than others? Don't some just naturally 'shine' brighter?"

All right, picture God creating a new baby girl. Imagine the God whose works are wonderful saying, "Oops, I didn't make little Megan as precious as baby Brittany. I hate it when that happens."

Uh, no. Every tiny being God creates has the divine fingerprints on her. She's shaped with love and "breathed through" with her own gifts and special brightness. Each child is an original. Each one is God's art. Each is priceless.

And that includes you, Precious Thought. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your part is to uncover the beauty-inside and out. It's a journey. Are you ready to begin?5 That's what I tell them. I hope you'll take it to heart yourself.

Test Your Own Waters

Whether your daughter ever admits it or not, she learns how to be beautiful-or not-from you. So your next step is to get centered with your view of both your daughter and yourself. Will you try to do these two things? (As always, in the way that comes naturally to you-whether that be journal, mural, or a rousing dialogue with a friend over mochas-with whipped cream.) First, describe your daughter to yourself. What does she look like to you? What, if anything, about her could be called unlovely? Where does her beauty lie?

Now describe yourself to yourself. How do you name your beauty? What about your appearance do you (fiercely) wish were different, if anything? How does your beauty manifest itself?

If you resist doing this exercise, try your best to do it anyway. None of the following will make sense if you don't have a context within which to work. If you think it's narcissistic, you might want to go back and read #5!

Going for It

Everything I'm about to suggest here takes time and attention, the same kind you devoted to your daughter when she was a baby and needed to be fed, changed, and cooed at. I'm sure you never said, "I do not have time for this child right now!" Why say it at this point in her life either? She needs you.

Listen.

"I'm afraid. When I ask something like if I can wear makeup, what will she say? That's because she's never invited me to tell her things or ask questions about anything."

age 12 Really listen. Most of us aren't as good at it as we think we are. I would probably want to curl up in the fetal position if I had a tape recording of some of my past conversations with my daughter. But with some awareness we can all get better at it.

Provide at least a little time on a regular basis to talk to your daughter by herself. "It's really hard for me to get alone time with my mom," one tween confided to me, "'cause I've got too many sisters. If we go somewhere, so does another sibling." It can be tough to carve out chunks of time for just the two of you, but there are things she probably won't talk about if there's an audience. While sometimes it's less awkward to chat while you're both engaged in something else at the same time, like riding in the car or doing the dishes or folding laundry, it's better not to try to squeeze in a mother-daughter conversation while checking your email, texting your husband, or filling out your tax return. Think about the last time you tried to communicate with your spouse while he was watching a football game and you'll get the idea.

Be prepared for her to act like she doesn't know exactly what to say. The older she gets, the more common it is for her to give you, "I don't know," or "What do you think?" That's just a signal that she needs a boost to her confidence. If you assure her that nothing she says is going to be deemed "silly" or "wrong," that you're not going to come back with "Are you serious? Where did you ever get an idea like that?" she's more likely to ask those questions that are burning in her mind, and less likely to doubt herself.

Don't be quick to judge. If she's asking a question about what you think of makeup or skinny jeans or tattoos, that doesn't mean she's thinking of putting on any of the above. She's just asking for your opinion. Hearing her out doesn't mean you agree or condone. You're just honoring her right to an opinion, a desire, a bit of curiosity. She will, in turn, honor yours-eventually. (You might train her to warn you when she's about to bring up something with potential shock value by saying, "Okay, so Mom, promise you won't freak out.") Hang in there, even if she starts into territory you weren't expecting to be dragged into just yet. In fact, how much your daughter will open up to you will depend on how much you're willing to hear!

Have an intentional conversation about what's beautiful and feminine.

This can be one of the best discussions you ever have with your tween if you allow it to be a two-sided dialogue. This isn't about you sitting her down and giving her your rendition, resulting in yet another set of rules for her to add to the list. It's about coming up with "what beautiful is" together. How on earth do you do that? I have three suggestions.

First, you can both bemoan the fact that to hear people talk, you'd think the only girls who could be considered beautiful are pencil skinny with flawless complexions and dress only in the trends that just started this morning. You can be in agreement on that, for sure. Then together you can think about all the girls and women you know that you consider beautiful. Do they all look like the above? No, you'll decide. You'll discover that the people you've named are all people you love. They're beautiful because you love them. Your definition of feminine beauty can start from there.

Second, do the collage activity described on page 73. You might follow that with a collage of all the people you listed in the above exercise. Comparing the two will say it all.

And finally, you might want to read either The Skin You're In or The Beauty Book with her. They're both books you "do" rather than just read, and are broken down to fit into those snippets of time you make for your daughter. Enjoy!

Establish parameters.

Now that you've both agreed on what really makes a girl or woman beautiful, you can set some parameters on what's okay and what isn't that will not only save you much wailing and gnashing of teeth (from both you and your daughter), but allow your daughter to be more at ease talking to you.

"If I try to talk to my mom about, you know, 'stuff,' she puts me down for just asking about makeup and stylish clothes, so I don't even like to talk to her."

age 11 If you've already agreed that a woman is most beautiful when she's as natural as possible, you can simply point that out if your mini-woman decides eyeliner at age nine might be a nice touch. If you two have established before you hit the mall that two inches above the knee is short enough, you can remind her of that if she whips a micro-miniskirt off the rack. If you've come to a compromise that she can have only one trendy item (i.e., it will go out of style before she outgrows it), you'll find her making her choices oh-so-carefully Setting up parameters is a great way to help you choose your battles. Is it really such a big deal if she wants everything pink? Why tell her you think she looks like a walking bottle of Pepto-Bismol and bring out the unbeautiful in yourself?

Allow some experimentation within those parameters.

She's going to want to know what this idea of "beautiful" looks like on her. We'll talk later about letting her play with makeup and funky do's at home. Right now I'm referring more to giving her chances to practice feeling beautiful in her unique way. That could mean announcing that we're all dressing for dinner tonight and bringing out the candles and china. Or having high tea, complete with hats and gloves for the two of you. Or taking a walk together at dawn and letting the breeze and the light kiss your faces. She won't know what it means to be a truly beautiful her unless she feels it. When she does, she's more likely to replicate it, over and over, and abandon the things that don't work for her.

Take as many opportunities as you can to reinforce her confidence in her own special brand of good looks.

That doesn't mean a constant verbal stream of compliments. That'll grow thin, and you'll be rewarded with an eye roll. What about an approving look when she heads out for school looking put together? How about the occasional surprise when she gets into the car: "I hardly recognized you coming out the door! You've grown up overnight." Can you take pictures of her kicking a soccer ball, casting a fishing line, stepping back to view her latest artwork? Anyone doing something they love to do is beautiful. You won't even have to tell her that. She'll know.

Avoid empty praise.

Don't give empty praise or comments like the one that opened this section ("Well, I think you're beautiful"), especially when someone has just put her down or she's feeling ugly for no reason at all. Better to help her figure out why she's upset and come up with a plan, or simply break out the popcorn and turn on a feel-good movie. To say, "I don't know what you're going to do when you really have problems" is, of course, not even an option.

Most important of all, be careful what you say about yourself.

We can't instill a positive, healthy, realistic beauty image in our daughters if we don't demonstrate one ourselves. You can tell her all day long that she's beautiful just the way she is, but the minute you stand in front of that mirror and say, "I am disgusting. I have got to lose at least twenty pounds"-you might as well have saved yourself a day's worth of words, because everything you said about her has just gone out with the garbage. Try not to do any of these things, not just in front of your daughter, but ever, for your benefit and hers: Complain about how fat you are.

Have a tizzy if someone comes by unexpectedly when you don't have your "face" on.

Make a big deal out of having to wear something "last year" because you don't have the money for new wardrobe pieces.

Insist that you and she have to be coiffed and polished when you walk out the door, but let your son go out looking like a homeless person.

Pick yourself apart: your brows are too thick, your lips are too thin, your hips are too wide, your shoulders are too narrow. While you're picking yourself clean, she's picking up ammunition to use on her own self-image.

Act like being beautiful is a battle against nature. If you treat self-care as a chore, you take away one of the joys of being a woman-from both of you.

If that seems like the most challenging thing I've asked you to do yet, take a little time to do something that makes you feel beautiful. Do it now. In fact, pretty mama, do it often.

Bridging the Gap

Holy Father, Great Creator, Thank you for making the beautiful child she is. Forgive me if I've bruised her image of herself in any way. And please, please bridge the gap between what she needs to see when she looks in the mirror, and what I can do to help her love it. In Christ's name, amen.