"Hold still, Kelly." Cherie was biting her lip as she applied false eyelashes on me. "There. Now look."

I looked in the mirror. Well, I tried, anyway. It was like looking through black lace curtains. "I can't see."

"You'll get used to it. Don't you love the way I contoured your cheekbones? I'm a true artiste." She twirled away from the makeup station she had set up in our master bathroom and started replacing things into her pink tackle box.

Through the black edges, I peered at my reflection. My face looked thinner, my eyes were larger and rimmed with black, my mouth was pink and full, and my skin was more tanned. I was also taller since my hair rose high above my head. In total, I looked like I had been through a photo-manipulation program and transformed into an anime character.

I sighed. "Thank you for the makeup lesson." I guess I was pretty, in this polished way that I'd seen in Chicago. Vancouver was a pretty casual place, and the Windy City was a lot more sophisticated. The female television anchors and even sports reporters looked glossy and ultra-confident.

Cherie had been coaching me so I could do my own on-camera makeup for school, and I liked the polished look we had perfected. But tonight was different. I needed the full meal deal. There was a big sports dinner sponsored by the local television station, featuring players from the Hawks, Bulls, Cubs, White Sox and Bears. Jimmy needed a date. Cue Barbie's half-Asian friend, Kelly. He wanted someone glamourous and grown-up? He was getting it, times ten.

"Is everything okay with you and the baby-captain?"

"Yeah," I answered. We had made up after our big fight. Yet things weren't quite back to normal. There was a chilly politeness to our time together, and even sex wasn't breaking down that barrier. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, J.J. said that Freeze was a little grumpy these days. And you're not your perky self lately either-so I added two plus two."

"No, things are fine. We've just had a few adjustments to living together." I'd had roommates every since I left home, but I'd always paid my share and had a room of my own. Now I was very conscious that I was living in his place. Even when he was on the road, his presence loomed and I worried about keeping things neat and organized.

Cherie pursed her perfect lips. "At least he wants you to live with him. J.J. doesn't mind me staying with him, but he draws the line at me moving my stuff in." Maybe J.J. was worried that Cherie would have a truckload of clothing. I hadn't seen her wear the same outfit twice.

She reached out to tuck in a stray hair that had escaped the hairspray assault. "You're lucky, Kelly. Jimmy is so crazy about you. I can tell by the way he looks at you."

He certainly had odd ways of showing it, I thought. Lately, I felt like all he did was criticize me. But I said only, "That's nice."

"You two are both babies. So young that every drama seems like a mountain, but you'll work through all that." She laughed.

I went to the closet and took out the dress that Cherie had also helped me buy. It was very fitted, almost like a cheongsam, but with a nude-coloured lining and red lace overlay. What I like about it was that it was covered up everywhere, even though it looked sheer. Cherie had called it an illusion neckline.

I slipped into it and Cherie zipped it up.

"You're the luckiest girl in the world. Most of us would have to wear an army of shapewear for something this tight, but you could probably go commando."

I was wearing a strapless bra and high-cut panties. Thanks to Jimmy's lingerie fetish, my underwear wardrobe was expansive.

"It fits you like the proverbial glove," she declared. "Now, one more thing before you go-we'll do a lil' walking lesson."

"I think I'm good. I've been walking since I was ten months old."

"Don't worry, hun. I'm not going full pageant walk-and-turn. But I've noticed you kinda slink into the room. A beautiful woman has to walk into the room like she owns it."

No seemed inadequate to convey how I felt about this idea, but my face must have.

"How come you don't get how pretty you are?"

"I know I look nice, it's not a big deal."

"Not how it seems to me. You never seem to notice when men pay attention to you. I've been flirting with men since the first time my momma brought me to the pediatrician, but you-" She shook her head. "It's like you don't want men staring at you!"

I shrugged. "I spent a lot of time being a tomboy. My looks are like an afterthought. I feel it's wrong for things to happen to me because of the way I look."

"You are livin' in dreamland, baby. Appearances are important for everyone. When you date a pro athlete, they've got an image to maintain."

I shook my head. "Jimmy's not like that." He thought I was beautiful, but that was part of our private love. He didn't want a girlfriend who turned the head of every guy on the street. Or did he? Suddenly I recalled how happy he had been when guys noticed me at the NHL Awards. And now all the talk about my clothes. Maybe I was wrong. Everything in my life seemed to be quicksand, and I was stubbornly clinging to my former ideas.

Cherie laughed and hugged me. "Be honest, Kelly darling-does his appearance matter to you? Because when you guys are together, it looks like you want to lick him up with chocolate sauce on the side!"

I laughed. There was no doubt that I found Jimmy extremely attractive. I appreciated his sweet face and his muscular body. So it wasn't like looking good was part of an anti-feminist agenda. "Okay, Cherie. Show me how to walk."

An hour later, I was headed into a downtown hotel ballroom. I spotted Jimmy across the room with a few of the other Hawks. I walked over to him-no, I strode over-chest out, shoulders back, butt tucked in, and confidence oozing out of every step.

"Kelly?" Leo was the first one to actually notice me, but he wasn't even sure it was me. Jimmy turned around, and his eyes went huge.

"Whoa, Kelly." He was actually stunned for a moment. "You look-different."

"More like a girlfriend, and less like a nun?"

He blushed, "Oh c'mon Kelly, you know I didn't mean that."

"Good, because if you did, I've already met three guys here who think I could be their girlfriend." I motioned behind me. Cherie was right: when your walk said "look"-people did. Making my way across the ballroom had not been uneventful.

"Is there a sign-up list?" asked Ty.

Jimmy put a protective arm around me. "She's with me." He kissed my ear and whispered, "As always, the most beautiful woman in the room."

That night, we were lying in bed and Jimmy cuddled up behind me.

"Sorry, Kelly, if I was mean to you before, about the nun stuff."

I didn't reply. What he had said didn't hurt anymore. I wasn't sure if tonight was about proving something to Jimmy or to myself. Sometimes I saw our life together as a challenge, and I wanted to show that I was up to the task. If that meant getting dressed up and walking with my glutes pulled in, so be it. But I felt a little lost. I used to be the hockey girl, and then the captain of my team. Now I was someone who was drifting, not really sure of exactly who she was. I was a student, a friend, a beer league hockey sub, but mainly I was Jimmy's girlfriend.

His strong arm came over my shoulder, and he turned me to face him.

"You looked beautiful tonight, but you looked like a stranger. I like you even better now-without makeup. You're so sweet and natural."

"Then why do you keep bugging me to change?"

"Do I?" Jimmy closed his eyes briefly. "I'm sorry. There's so much pressure now. I know I've been acting like a total jerk. But living in a fishbowl, being under constant scrutiny-it makes me feel like I need to be perfect. No, I feel that we both need to be perfect."

He stopped talking and looked so agonized, that I put my arms around his neck and hugged him. He slowly loosened into my touch, then wrapped his arms tightly around me too. His grip felt like that of a boy who was desperately clinging to a stuffed toy.

"All my dreams have come true-everything I wanted when I was a kid. I'm an NHL captain and the team is winning. And of course, I have you." He stroked my hair absentmindedly. "But I can't relax. I feel like if I don't work hard enough, it'll all slip away. So I push myself. And I push you. I can't seem to stop."

He was triggering nostalgia in me too. Lying beside him in the perfect modern bedroom, I wished I were back in my tiny, cluttered room at home: snuggling my cat, doing homework, and playing hockey with boys. Before I knew anything about sex or love, when I only dreamed about playing for Team Canada.

Jimmy must have felt something in my body sag because he held me even closer.

"Kelly, I know I'm going through stuff, and I've taken some of it out on you. But don't give up on me-I love you so much. Hang in there, and everything will be fine. I love you. I need you."

I smiled up at him. That was exactly what I needed to hear. When we were alone together, things were perfect.

34.

Stepford Girlfriend

I flew back to Vancouver in the middle of December. This trip was both a visa requirement and my last chance to see my parents before they left. Jimmy was going on a road trip that would end up in Vancouver, just before his Christmas break. We would have dinner with my parents and then fly to Fredericton to spend Christmas with his family.

"Kelly! Welcome home." My mom and dad were so happy to see me. They both picked me up at the airport and were talking nonstop about their upcoming round-the-world trip. Every time I talked to them, they had added a new country to the itinerary.

It felt great to get back home and relax, but what a transformation.

"Man, there's no stuff here anymore," I said. My mom collected everything: branches, dried flowers, shells, rocks, and pottery of all kinds. It had all been artistically arranged, but the total effect was a little claustrophobic. Now the place was practically minimalist.

"We had to clear everything out in preparation for the house rental. Your dad was ruthless." My mom sounded wistful.

"Molly, you asked me to do it," my dad protested.

"Dad, is it weird for you not to be working long hours all the time?" He probably cleaned out the house top-to-bottom in one day. My dad had tons of energy.

"Luckily, I have lots of research to do for our trip. And I've done a complete plan for packing. It's important to travel light."

My mom sighed again. She was a person who liked to have things around-just in case.

"When's Roger getting home?" I hadn't seen my brother since his brief visit in the summer.

"He's back on Thursday. That means you'll only get to see him for three days before you leave." My mom focused in on me. "Kelly, we really wish you were spending Christmas with us."

"Uh, well-Jimmy really wanted me to go to Fredericton with him for Christmas." To be honest, I hadn't even thought about staying here. Jimmy had made all the flight arrangements and, since I was spending a week with my parents, it seemed only fair to spend five days with Jimmy's. But it would be the first Christmas I had spent away from home. And since my parents weren't going to be here for the next holiday season; that made things doubly disappointing.

"It won't be the same without you, sweetheart," my dad said.

I felt suddenly sad. I could talk to Jimmy and try to stay here, but he hated changing plans at the last minute. It was my own fault for not thinking this through when we first started talking about the holidays. Now that I was home, I wished I could stay longer. I felt so relaxed and comfortable.

"You look different," my dad commented and squinted at me.

"That's because Kelly has makeup on, and she's dressed up," my mom chimed in. "You're looking very ladylike, dear. All new clothes too, you must be doing a lot of shopping in Chicago." My mom sounded very happy about all this, an unexpected benefit of my worship at the church of Cherie.

As soon as she went to the kitchen, my dad asked, "Do you have enough money?"

"Sure," I told him.

"Well, how are you paying for all this shopping? I thought you were going to school."

"Yes, I am," I replied. I knew he wasn't going to like the truth. "Jimmy pays our living expenses. He does make a lot of money, you know."

"I am well aware of what hockey players make," my dad replied. "But I'm a little worried about your independence. It doesn't seem right to take so much from your boyfriend. It's one thing if he pays the rent, but for the clothes on your back too?"

"I know. I don't feel comfortable either. But my lack of appropriate clothing kind of became an issue, so...." I hated spending money on clothes, something I'd never prioritized, but it had made Jimmy so happy that I'd swept my conscience under the carpet.

He shook his head. "Kelly, I told you to ask us for money anytime you need it. Why don't I loan you the money, and you can repay James?"

Taking money from my dad would make me feel even worse. And I knew Jimmy wouldn't take the money. "Dad, I know exactly where you're coming from. I am keeping track of things, and I'm going to pay him back once I get a job."

My dad didn't look exactly happy with that answer, but my mom came back so he let it go. Still, I felt the difference in the dinner atmosphere tonight versus when we were celebrating my independence a few months ago. I wasn't doing anything to make my parents proud now.

"Is there something in the water in Chicago?" April asked me when we met for coffee downtown.

"Maybe fluoride?"

"I can't get over how different you look."

I was wearing jeans, but with an embroidered top, leather jacket, and boots. "Cherie helped me to buy some new clothes. I have to get more dressed up these days, especially when I'm out with Jimmy." How bad did I look before, if a few new clothes made everyone flip out?

"Why?"

"Because people are looking at us. People take photos of him all the time."

"Hmmm. I guess that makes sense, but still-you're wearing a lot of makeup. And are those false eyelashes?" Cherie had instilled in me that a look came naturally if you did it all the time, so I was maintaining my new routines.

"Why are you ragging on me? You spent your whole life trying to get me to look like this."

"And you spent your whole life resisting me. I'm trying to find out how Cherie did it in only four months."

I frowned. It wasn't really Cherie, she only did what I asked. "Jimmy likes me to look like this."