Critical Mass

"Kelly, is that what you're wearing tonight?"

Jimmy was doing up his tie. We were going to a charity function the Blackhawks were hosting.

I looked down at myself. I was wearing a white silk blouse and black dress pants. I thought I looked fine, but judging from his voice I didn't.

"Um, yes," I stammered.

"You can't wear that-that's what the wait staff will be wearing."

"Oh, okay." I went to my tiny corner of the closet and pulled out my yellow sundress and my black halter dress. "One of these?"

Jimmy frowned. "They're both look like summer, and there's snow outside. But the black one, I guess. If that's all you have." The only other dress I had was the one from the NHL Awards, and that was even more summery and revealing. I hurriedly got dressed, and even added the Tiffany necklace. I hoped that would make Jimmy happier. He seemed really tense lately, probably because they were in a losing skid.

I was brushing my hair in the bathroom when Jimmy poked his head in to say that it was time to go. Then he added, "Oh no, Kelly."

"What's wrong?"

"You have a big bruise across your back." He ran a finger over the slightly tender area. "And on your upper arm too."

"Yeah, some jerk crosschecked me last week." I was on a beer hockey team called The Hockey Sox. In fact, I was missing a game tonight.

"You can't go out like that. Put a jacket on."

I looked at my back in the mirror and laughed. "Like hockey players have never seen a bruise before?"

"Not on their girlfriends. I wonder if you should even be playing. I thought it was non-contact."

"It's supposed to be. But stuff happens."

I pulled out a black cardigan and he frowned at that too. "Don't you have a nicer jacket?"

I showed him my jean jacket and a faded black one.

Jimmy shook his head. "I don't understand you. You used to dress perfectly-like at the NHL Awards. But now, you never have the right outfit. Half your clothes look like student crap and the other half look like something a nun would wear."

"Well, April helped find the dress I wore that night," I explained. "I didn't realize that tonight's dinner was such a big deal." Was Jimmy really upset about something else? I didn't understand why my clothes were suddenly an issue.

"Kelly, as the captain, I have to make a good impression. And since I'm so young, there's extra scrutiny. It doesn't help if my girlfriend looks like she got dressed in the dark."

"Jimmy!"

"I gave you a credit card, but you never go shopping. I thought women loved shopping. Why don't you get Cherie or Danielle to help you? They always look great."

I tried to swallow the anger that was building up in me. Maybe I wasn't winning any best-dressed awards, but he was finding fault with everything I did tonight. "I don't feel right using your money to get clothes," I explained.

"Representing the team is like an investment." He looked amazing in his suit, so he was keeping up his part of the bargain.

"Okay, fine. But it's too late to go shopping now. Why don't you go by yourself?"

Jimmy considered this for a moment and then to my surprise, he agreed. "Yeah, maybe that's better. I'll see you later." He gave me an absentminded kiss and left.

Really? Clothes were more important than my being there? In truth, these events were all about Jimmy, and I spent most of the time smiling and not saying much. It was a relief not to go, although I had been looking forward to eating the dinner. I got changed into jeans and a top, then realized I could still make my hockey game tonight.

"Kelly? What are you doing here?" Toby, our team captain, was shocked to see me.

"My event got cancelled, so I thought I'd come anyway."

"Well, great. Go get changed." He flipped me the key to the dressing room.

It felt fantastic to get out on the ice and play. As always, hockey was my escape and the only time I didn't have to think about stuff like how pissed off I was at my boyfriend. We won, and everyone was pretty happy. I felt like I had worked out all my anger as well.

Afterwards, we all went out for beer and pizza. It was nice to be out with people who had no idea who my big-deal boyfriend was and treated me normally. At the end of evening, Toby walked me to my car.

"Kelly, I have to talk to you about something."

"Sure, what's up?"

"Well, I was pretty happy when we got you on the team. You're a really good player-especially for a girl. You're the best girl player we've ever had."

I smiled. "Hey, thanks." It was a backhanded compliment, but it was the only compliment I'd had all day.

"But-you sure miss a lot of games. It's a problem. I have to ask you, are you going to be able to come to more games for the rest of the season?"

I looked down at the toes of our boots in the snow-packed parking lot. "Well, I have Blackhawks season's tickets. So whenever our games conflict with their games, I can't go."

Of course, it wasn't just games; I also missed playing if there were social or team events that Jimmy wanted me to come to. Toby was right; I had missed about half our games.

"Season's tickets? Nice work if you can get it. I thought you were a student."

"I am. They're uh, my boyfriend's tickets."

"Oh, I get it. Anyway, the thing is that Arlene, the girl who played tonight, has agreed to be a regular on our team. So, I was thinking that you could be our spare."

"Spare?"

"Yeah, I'll call you if we don't have enough women players. Sounds like it would fit your schedule better. You see, it's hard for me to find a female player whenever you cancel, and if we don't have enough women we forfeit."

"Couldn't we just play with an extra player when I'm there?"

"I guess. That's what we did tonight. But it's really not fair to all the players who come regularly since they don't get as much ice time."

"Okay. Sorry." I unlocked my car and got in.

Toby looked like he wanted to say something else but settled for waving as I pulled out.

Jimmy was still out when I got home. I threw my gear into the laundry room for a good cleaning, the kind I did at the end of the season. Who knew when I'd need it again? Arlene looked like the reliable type who wouldn't ever miss a game. I showered and then went to sleep in the guest room. I did that sometimes when Jimmy was away or getting home late when I needed to get up early.

The next morning I was up and out to school first thing. After morning classes, I ate lunch with my friend, Renee.

"What did you get on the quiz?" she asked.

"Ten," I said. It was out of ten. Seriously, after McGill, I found everything here so easy.

"Gah. You're a freaking genius." Renee was two years younger than me and obsessed with becoming a weather forecaster. I had no idea what her chances were, but she spent a lot of time practicing in front of the school's green screen. She was cute and peppy. Her hair was dark with white-blonde streaks, but that was the only rebellious part of her.

I ate my sandwich, and Renee waved a carrot stick around and speculated on whether it was going to snow this afternoon. She discussed the weather like no other.

"What's wrong with you today, Kelly? You're so quiet."

"Oh, a bunch of stuff. I have to go shopping."

"You say that like most people would say they had to go to the dentist. Did you want me to go with you? I love shopping."

"It's okay, I already have a shopping expert lined up." Cherie had been dying to take me shopping. I figured that her flashy style was exactly what Jimmy had in mind for his ideal captain's girlfriend's wardrobe. I was meeting her on the Magnificent Mile after school was done.

"So, what's wrong? Not enough money?"

I had mentioned to Renee that my boyfriend played hockey, but she wasn't enough of a fan to understand what that meant. I preferred it that way. It seemed like too much of my life was taken up with people who admired Jimmy. "No, I have enough money. I don't mind shopping for some things, but not clothes."

"You always look nice," Renee said. She was sweet.

"Thank you. I also got kicked off my hockey team last night, so that's bothering me."

"Wow, what did you do? Injure someone?"

"Nothing that exciting. I wasn't showing up enough."

"Too bad. I know how much you love hockey." All my broadcast projects were hockey-centric. It had become a bit of a joke around school.

Shopping with Cherie wasn't as exhausting as I had feared. Since I was already feeling defeated, I agreed to everything she suggested. In fact, she seemed puzzled by my lack of fight, but used the opportunity to sign me up to model in the charity fashion show.

Afterwards, she didn't want to go for dinner since she was meeting J.J., so I went out for a burger by myself. I didn't think it was a big deal since Jimmy had practice today, and he usually had meetings before and after. Often he ate with the team at their facility.

"Where were you?" Jimmy demanded when I walked in.

"Shopping," I said, holding up the bags. "As directed."

"You didn't go alone, did you?" he asked.

"Oh, fuck off," I told him, and went directly to the bedroom to hang everything up. He followed me right into the walk-in closet.

"C'mon, Kelly. If you're mad at me, we need to talk it out."

"Mad at you? Why would I be mad? In the past 24 hours, you let me know I'm not attractive enough to go out with, I can't shop for myself, and you caused me to get cut from my hockey team. Being your girlfriend is the worst thing on the planet."

"Well, that's not a very nice thing to say." He scowled at me. "And how did I cause you to get cut?"

"I missed too many games, so they got someone else."

"So that's why your gear is all over the laundry room," he said.

"Stop being so anal. So what if I leave my stuff out for a few hours? Nobody would care, except you. You're Mr. Perfect, so everyone around you has to be perfect too. Well, guess what? I'm not perfect. You've pointed that out enough."

There were more things I wanted to say-like why did you beg me to come out here? Because in all the time I'd been with him, he had never made me feel the way he did last night-like I wasn't enough. I knew I wasn't sophisticated and polished, but I never felt that he was ashamed to be seen with me. Didn't being in love mean that you could overlook the other person's flaws?

But there were lines you couldn't cross unless you wanted to end things. And while I might feel like that tonight, I wasn't a person who gave up this easily. I could change my clothes, I could wear more make-up, and I could become a captain's girlfriend. Only-I didn't want to do that right now. All I wanted to do was go to bed. I blew by him, washed my face, and brushed my teeth.

"Okay, let's go to bed, and we can straighten this out," Jimmy said. He put his hands on my shoulders as I stood in front of the bathroom vanity.

"No. I'm sleeping in the spare room tonight."

"Please, Kelly." Jimmy's voice was pleading, and he was trying to look all puppy-dog cute.

"I said no. You can't be horrible and expect everything to be okay. I need some time-away from you."

"But I have a game tomorrow night. I need to relax and get a good night's sleep."

"Listen to yourself-me, me, me-the world needs to rotate around Planet Frechette. I don't want to go to bed with you. No way."

"What have I done? Other than pay for everything and ask you to go shopping, which is something most girls would love to do."

"I knew it. You told me not to worry about the money and now you're throwing it in my face." I turned away, and softly muttered, "Why did I come here?"

But Jimmy heard me. "I thought it was because you wanted to. But maybe it was because you didn't have a choice."

33.

Lashing Out