"Doctor, the old landlady ought to have some one to manage her business, and----"

"Well," he quickly answered, "I'd make a devilish fine appearance trying to run this dizzy old house, wouldn't I?"

"No, but why couldn't I run it, and you be my 'star' boarder?"

"Well, that'll do, that'll do; that's different, quite different."

"You know, Doctor," said I, "we are in debt for board, and whatever we undertake must be done with much care and precision. Now, you go to the old landlady and tell her I am a practical hotel man, and the most trustworthy, energetic, economical and pushing sort of fellow you ever knew; and that she ought to hire me to take full charge of the house."

This idea pleased him mightily, and he said he believed he could fix it, and would try.

"Yes, I believe you can, if it can be done, for I know the old lady is a little bit gone on you, any how. I remember of seeing you and her in the up-stairs hall, the other day, talking in a way that showed pretty plainly how things stand."

"Well there!" he screamed, "that's the latest. Now you'll have something else to harp on, you young scapegrace, and without the slightest foundation for it. Do you think I am a fool? Do you think I'd recommend you to that old lady, when you are on the verge of scandalizing both her and myself? Not much--not much, sir; and I'll sue you for slander if you ever hint such a thing; and I'll get judgment, too, and----"

"Yes," I interrupted, "and I suppose you would attach my dozen bottles of Incomprehensible Compound to satisfy the judgment."

I then convinced him that I was only joking. Shortly afterwards he called on the old lady, and did as I requested.

She called me into the sitting-room and asked how I thought I would like to take charge of her house.

I told her I would take the position provided I could have full charge of everything, the same as if I owned the house.

She said that was just what she would like, and inquired what salary I wanted. I told her one hundred dollars per month, and board for family.

She offered me seventy-five, and agreed to sign papers.

I accepted, and the next morning took possession.

My first move was to call the help all together and promptly discharge them. The old lady came running down stairs, as soon as she heard of this, and demanded an explanation.

I reminded her that I was landlord, and that if she would retire to her room and remain there quietly, all would come out right. The Doctor said I knew less about running a hotel than I did about medicine, or I never would have done such a trick as that.

I waited till the discharged help were ready to leave, and had called at the office for their pay, when I began a compromise, and succeeded in hiring all over again except two dining-room girls, at less than their regular wages. But I promised an increase to those who took an interest and worked for an advancement.

The Doctor was elated with the prospects, and fairly danced with delight.

"And now, Johnston, for some of those cream biscuit you have told us about. Now you have a chance to see how it is yourself, to be landlord."

The second day of my experience, we had about forty extra come to dinner--men in attendance at a Convention. I was short of help in the dining room, and also short of prepared victuals.

I immediately visited the Doctor in his apartment, explained the situation, and asked why he couldn't come into the dining room and help wait on table. He protested against it, but I gave him to understand that it was a case of absolute necessity.

He swore a few oaths, and said it showed how much sense I had, to discharge my help the first thing.

As an incentive for him to act, I ventured the remark that the landlady was going to help, and would like him to do so if he could.

"Is she going to help? Well, then, all right. I'll help you out this one time, but never again."

I took him to the dining room, and after he took his coat off, put a large white ap.r.o.n on him and gave him a few instructions. We had five kinds of meat, and I posted him thoroughly as to what he should say to the guests.

Directly I called dinner, and the tables were soon filled.

The Doctor watched from the kitchen for the cue from me to make a start.

When I gave it he entered in his shirt-sleeves, with the large ap.r.o.n on, carrying an immense tray in one hand and his gold-headed cane in the other, and had forgotten to take his plug hat off. It was setting on the back of his head, and his appearance was grotesque in the extreme.

He gave me a look of disgust as he marched in, and faltered for a moment, as though not quite certain where to commence. Then he made another start, and stepping up to the nearest man, rested the tray on the back of his chair, and stood partially leaning on his cane; and looking over his gla.s.ses, said:

"Roast beef, roast mutton, roast--well, roast mutton, roast meat, roast-- ---- it! we have twenty-one different kinds of meat. What'll you have?"

By this time I had been forced to leave the room for laughter, returning as soon as I could command myself. The Doctor was up to his ears in business. Perspiring profusely, and much excited, he still hung to his cane and plug hat. He was absolutely the most comical sight I had ever witnessed.

When I met the Doctor at the kitchen door, with the tray piled up with several orders, he took time to say:

"---- it! I thought you said the landlady was going to help."

For fear he would quit, I ran to the stair-way and called her. She came down, and I explained as quickly as possible, and she said she would help; and putting on an ap.r.o.n, began work immediately.

We had Lima beans for dinner, and being a little short on them, were obliged to dish them out in small quant.i.ties. The Doctor served one man who, with one swoop, took into his mouth all he had, in one spoonful, and immediately handed his dish back to the Doctor, saying:

"Here, waiter, bring me another bean!"

[Ill.u.s.tration: HERE, WAITER, BRING ME ANOTHER BEAN.--PAGE 312.]

The Doctor struck a dramatic att.i.tude, and glared over his spectacles--one hand clasped the middle of his cane, and his plug hat poised side-wise on the back of his head, and he shouted excitedly:

"Sir, I want you to understand _we_ know _how_ many beans there was in that dish. Besides, I'm--I'm--I'm no ---- table waiter, and I demand that you address me differently. In short, I demand satisfaction for your cussed insolence, sir!"

Every man in the dining room dropped his knife and fork and looked on in astonishment. The gentleman addressed by the Doctor apologized to his entire satisfaction, and matters went on smoothly until just as the Doctor was making for the dining room with a tray full for two newcomers. The landlady, with a tray full of dirty dishes, met him at the kitchen door. She had attempted to pa.s.s back through the wrong pa.s.sage-way, and a general collision was the result. The Doctor had gotten just far enough along so that every dish on his tray went crashing on the dining-room floor, and a cup of hot tea went into the top of one shoe. Before he fairly realized whom he had collided with, he broke out with a volley of oaths sufficient to turn the old lady's hair white in a few seconds.

I hastened to the rescue, and instantly reminded him of the awful fact that he was cussing the landlady. He lost no time in apologizing politely, and a.s.sured her that he alone was to blame for the mishap.

The man who had been forced to make an apology to the Doctor a few moments before, was immensely pleased, and when about to leave the table, cried out:

"Professor, had you counted those beans before you dropped the dishes?"

The Doctor then said he guessed the rush was over now, and he would leave it for us to finish; after which he repaired to his room, and after making his toilet preparatory to eating dinner, sent for me and requested that I arrange with the landlady to dine with him, which of course I did, and also promised him that I would have my favorite cream biscuit for tea that night.

Matters went on very nicely, with the exception of experiencing considerable trouble in getting good chambermaids and table-waiters. The Doctor declared point blank that he would never, under any circ.u.mstances, wait on table again; so I saw the necessity of securing suitable help at once.

A few days later, two young men came to the hotel, registered, and began hus'ling around in a manner that reminded me of my late patent-right partner and myself in Indiana.

I spotted them at once and began taking notes on their manners. We had had cream biscuit for supper twice; and as all were unanimous in p.r.o.nouncing them very fine, I had given orders to have them again on the day of the arrival of my two hus'lers. I gave my opinion of them to the Doctor, and remarked that they would have to settle in advance before I would give them a room.

He reminded me that I should not forget how convenient I had found it to be confided in by the different landlords, and that I should not be too rough on them. I fully agreed with him; but I had experienced the truth of the fact that only a small percentage of men were ever able to pay such bills, after getting behind, even though they had a disposition to do so. Consequently, I determined to commence right, and try and keep right.

That night, while the Doctor and several others were in the office, and while I was behind the counter, one of the young men came in from up town, having just visited the barber shop; and with his silk hat slightly tipped to one side of his head, and one kid glove on, stepped over near me, and after telling the latest story in his blandest and most fascinating manner, turned to me and said:

"Landlord, how about cream biscuit for supper? I hear you have----"