"Indeed I did tell you, and I'll not tell you again unless you pay me."

"Nix, Doctor; I pays no monish till I knows where am I sick," and she abruptly left the room.

Then ensued another stormy scene. The Doctor said if I hadn't called him to me and commenced whispering around, he would have got her twenty dollars, sure.

"But you had better take half and trust for the other half than to get nothing at all," I remonstrated.

"Yes," said the Doctor, still unconvinced, "and it wouldn't be but a few days till everybody would be owing us; and we never could collect a cent."

I saw the utter uselessness and foolishness of an argument with him, and said no more and let him swear it out.

Among other ills that the Doctor claimed to be an expert at treating, was deafness, and we so advertised.

In a day or two an old lady called while the Professor was out.

She asked if I were the Doctor, and turned her left ear to catch my reply.

I answered in a professional manner: "Madam, you are deaf."

"Well, you are right, Doctor, so I am; and I thought I would run in and see if you could help me."

I stepped to the Doctor's instrument case, and picking up some sort of a weapon, returned to the old lady, and stretching first one ear open and then the other, after making sure that she always turned her left ear to me to hear, I said:

"Madam, the drum of your right ear is almost entirely destroyed, and I am certain there is no help for it; but I can surely help your left ear."

[Ill.u.s.tration: MADAM, THE DRUM OF YOUR RIGHT EAR IS ALMOST ENTIRELY DESTROYED.--PAGE 297.]

"Well, Doctor, I think you know your business, for I certainly can scarcely hear with my right ear. How much will it cost?"

"Ten dollars."

"Well, I don't want to pay out so much now, as I have already been to so much expense with it."

"Well, you pay me five dollars, and owe me the balance, to be paid on condition that I help you."

She agreed to this, and handed me that amount. I was at a loss to know what to give her, and in a constant fear that the Doctor would make his appearance and spoil it all.

I excused myself, and stepping back to the "laboratory," began searching for something. At last I happened to think of a French moustache wax I had in one of my pockets, with which to train my young and struggling moustache. I quickly brought forth the box, soaked the paper label, and after removing it, smoothed the top of the pomade nicely over, wrapped it in paper, and gave it to her with directions for use; and invited her to call again and let me know how she got along. (As I recall this experience, my only cause for self-congratulation is, that what I gave her would do her no harm, if it did no good.)

She had no sooner made her exit than the Doctor "bobbed up serenely." I explained to him how I had manipulated things, and showed him my five dollars.

He began to rip and tear and swear, and declared he would dissolve partnership with me.

He said I would ruin his reputation, and get us both in jail.

I said: "Well, Doctor, I of course wouldn't want either of your patients, the Irish or Dutch woman, to hear of this, but----"

"Never mind, never mind about my patients. You take care of your own, and I'll do the same."

"Oh, thunder! all that ails you is that you are jealous because I am doing more business than you are."

"Holy Moses!" he quickly replied, flying into another rage, "you think now, you know more than all the profession, don't you?"

"Well, I feel that I have something to be proud of. We have been out nearly three weeks, and I have taken the only money that we have received."

He then wanted to know if I didn't expect to turn the five dollars into the business. I told him I did, but thought it a good idea for us to get out some special circulars advertising myself, and see if we couldn't raise a few dollars.

This was too much for the Doctor, and he went off "like shot out of a gun." He declared me a perfect a.s.s. I said further:

"But, Doctor, I think I am superior to you in one respect."

"In what?"

"Well, I have more brains than impecuniosity, anyhow."

This was the signal for another stampede.

We remained there several days, and finally became completely stranded.

The Doctor worried, fretted, stormed, fumed, and declared I was to blame for the whole cussed thing.

I then, began to talk about going out "hus'ling" again.

"Oh, yes; it's well enough for you to talk. You can 'hus'le,' but what can I do? I'd look nice running around peddling your cussed old dope, wouldn't I?"

I remarked that I thought he would do well among the Dutch and Irish, if he didn't use too much impecuniosity, and would learn to take their money when they offered it.

He said I hadn't the sense of a young gosling, and if I didn't quit twitting him of those things, he would pack up and leave, if he had to walk out of town. I said to him:

"Well, Doctor, if you do start out on foot, I'd advise you to take a few bottles of my Incomprehensible Compound, double-distilled furniture and piano l.u.s.tre."

He gazed at me over his spectacles with a sickly smile, then jumping to his feet, began his customary tirade, and pranced back and forth like a caged animal.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

CHAPTER XX.

ENGAGED TO MANAGE THE HOTEL--THE DOCTOR MY STAR BOARDER--DISCHARGING ALL THE HELP--HIRING THEM OVER AGAIN--THE DOCTOR AS TABLE WAITER--THE LANDLADY AND THE DOCTOR COLLIDE--THE ARRIVAL OF TWO HUS'LERS--HOW I MANAGED THEM--THE LANDLADY GOES VISITING--I RE-MODELED THE HOUSE--MY CHAMBERMAID ELOPES--HIRING A DUTCHMAN TO TAKE HER PLACE--DUTCHY IN DISGUISE--I FOOLED THE DOCTOR--DUTCHY AND THE IRISH SHOEMAKER.

We held frequent consultations, and discussed the situation with a feeling that our prospects were not the brightest. I again ventured to suggest that I ought to get out and "hus'le," as winter would soon be upon us, and my family would need money.

This threw him into a frenzy at once, and he reminded me that to leave him there in that predicament would be a violation of faith and true business principles. He seemed determined that we should live or die together.

One day I said to him: