一釐米的陽光

Suddenly, there was a jolt, Ji Yi felt as if she had flown upwards.

Then she was stirred awake by the pain, opening her eyes, in the midst of confusion, she unexpectedly could see only the collar of a black s.h.i.+rt, and that she was being tightly enveloped between Yi Chengyang’s two arms, her whole body embraced by him, firmly protected.

She suddenly made a movement, he said: “Xixi, don’t move.” After saying this, and taking a looking in front, did he finally slowly loosened his arms, then, very quickly examine her to see if she was hurt anywhere.

“Your mouth is cut?” he asked her with a low voice, using his index finger to feel her lips.

His voice had always sounded rather cold; therefore, when he actually tried to make it warm, it always had the ability make others feel that hint of gentleness.

It was this type of voice, that could pull a person out of fear and anxiety.

“Um.” Her heart was thumping; she did not know what had happened, licking her lips, perhaps……she had bit it?

In the fleeting moment of confusion, she finally noted the tragic state of the car.

The driver had, when they were just two hours away from entering Chengdu, unexpectedly fell asleep, the whole of the front part of the car had bored into the underside of the truck in front. Although he had turned the steering wheel in time, protecting himself, the whole roof over the pa.s.senger seat was slitted through, the gla.s.s was broken into pieces. The moment she caught a glance, she was completely terrified, blood was dripping down the driver’s face…… she realized a moment later that it was because of the cuts from shattered gla.s.s.

Fortunately, Ji Chengyang did not sit there.

On their departing journey, he always sat there; only this half of the day, to accompany her, that he sat on the back.

Ji Chengyang speedily discussed with the driver, quickly calling a car, taking the driver and Ji Yi to the hospital. Ji Chengyang insisted on having the doctor examine Ji Yi, only when it was certain that there was not any problem, did he take her home.

Nuannuan’s mother was inside the study anxiously pacing up and down, upon seeing her, was finally relieved.

“Xixi,” Nuannuan’s mother felt extremely guilty, examining her, asked Ji Chengyang, “Already thoroughly examined?”

Ji Chengyang nodded his head.

Ji Yi on the contrary felt that she had caused more troubles for others.

As she was leaving the study, she thought for a minute, then said to them: “Please don’t tell Nuannuan.”

Ji Chengyang and Nuannuan’s mother looked at her; she embarra.s.sedly said: “Worried that she would be afraid.”

Her and Nuannuan’s friends.h.i.+p, was just so. Ji Yi would feel guilty that she had caused trouble for Nuannuan, Nuannuan also would feel guilty that she had left early, leaving her to face danger alone……

When Ji Yi had left, Ji Chengyang thought about what she had just said, hesitated to speak.

“Wondering why Xixi is so mature?” Nuannuan’s mother could guess his thoughts, “It is a little difficult to explain. Her dad and mom were one of those people who went up and down the mountains [1], her mom, in order to return to the city, married her dad, there weren’t any feelings, thought that they would separate afterwards, not sure why they had Xixi, and even gave birth to her.

“Um, then?”

“Why, only care about giving birth, don’t care about raising,” Nuannuan’s mother heaved a sigh, “Just let her grandfather carried back. The problem is, Xixi her dad is the only one in their family who didn’t wear military uniform, father-son relations.h.i.+p with her grandfather very bad. They say, Xixi her grandfather only raised her for the sake of morality, putting his heart to care for her was impossible.”

He did not know why, but thinking of her when she was little, figuring out how to take the medicine, that type of antibiotics, so nonchalantly stuffing into her mouth one by one, only so that her cold would go away a little more quickly, so that she did not have to feel so uncomfortable.

Nuannuan’s mother was the sentimental type, just mentioning these, the rim of her eyes had gone red, “You are rarely in touch with her, this child really is mature. That time when we were not living in the building, she was only four five years old, but knew enough to be in the courtyard fanning with a fan, already cooking traditional medicine for herself, holding a watch taking the time, when it was done moving it out and pouring it down, then let it cool and drank it herself.” Nuannuan’s mother smiled bitterly, “I have even seen her use scissors to cut out her exam papers, and also essays published on the newspaper, then took those 100 marks, and essays, all pasted in a notebook, sent to her mom as a birthday present.”

…… Yi Chengyang listened, feeling only heart ache; he used his hands to feel for cigarette packet, discovering that he had left it at the hospital.

I was worried that she would follow bad examples when she hit rebellious age, so I once asked her, if she was angry at her mom and dad, she just said to me ‘Auntie, I am already very lucky. Grandfather before the establishment [2], even pa.s.sed university exam with bare feet, in middle school when he ran out of money for tuition fees, he even walked for one day and one night home only to get the tuition fee’… You say, if we think about it like this, then all the children in China are also more fortunate than African children. But the point is, you cannot make comparisons like this…”

Ji Chengyang from start to finish did not express any thoughts. Any other person’s life, no bystanders are qualified to judge, because you can never understand everything they have experienced, regardless whether it was suffering, or joy.

Materially, she is more fortunate than most of the children in the mountainous area.

However, all her life, she had the loneliness that could never be made up for. And the people who gave her this, were exactly the only relations she had.

Ji Yi absent-mindedly chatted with Nuannuan. The two were holding cards, and were just dully playing Ladache [a type of simple card game].

The driver’s bloodied face, and the roof over the pa.s.senger’s seat that were not completely torn off, the shattered gla.s.s, had all started to circled around in her mind. Although everything was over, when she returned to the Ji home in the evening, when she was face to face with Nuannuan, she was still preoccupied, still harboring the fear.

She sudden felt the urge to call her mother, and so she borrowed Nuannuan’s mobile phone, ran out to the outside courtyard, leaning on the wall and dialed the phone in her home, there was no one; dialed mother’s mobile phone, there also was not anyone picking up. She actually very rarely gave her mother a call. Moreover, every time she made the call, her heart would always thump frantically.

As if she especially longed for that word “h.e.l.lo” when the phone was answered, yet also feared, that she would hear this one voice……

Father was considerably more distant, only exchanged not more than few sentences with her in a year.

On the phone was only that forever long du du sound; the line was not busy, rather it was not picked up. She lowered down, on the corner of the wall, playing with small stones, when suddenly she heard a sound: “h.e.l.lo, may I know who is calling?”

A warm voice, relaxed all her restlessness, “Mom.”

“Xixi?” A little surprised.

“Um……”

She wanted to say today I had a car accident, it was very scary, even the car roof was torn apart, but after hesitating for a long moment, instead asked: “Mom, when are you coming back to Grandfather’s home to see me?”

“Should be after a while.”

She did not utter a sound, after a pause she finally said: “I bought some Chengdu snacks for you, don’t you like to eat spicy food? Nuannuan’s mother said……” Unconsciously, tears began to fall, she crouched down at that spot, softly said: “Nuannuan’s mother said, all the food here is very spicy, very delicious.”

“Okay.”

“Then I won’t talk anymore, bye bye.”

“Bye bye.”

The phone was already hung up.

She clasped on the phone with one of her hands, while the other dug on the brick on the wall, as her hands dug in, there would be flakes of debris falling off. Only when she was finally able to hold up her tears did she returned to the room, and returned the phone to Nuannuan. Taking back the phone, Nuannuan was delighted, “Why is your hand that dirty? Already grown up, quickly go and take a shower.”

Her spirit was down, not saying much, she took the clothes and went to shower.

Walking out after showering in her pajamas, she found Nuannuan sitting on a chair looking at a webpage instead of chatting with cla.s.s leader, looking not very happy. Ji Yi asked her what was wrong, Nuannuan gave a humph, “Said that he couldn’t be constantly sending text messages, his phone already ran out of money again, told me to go to bed early. His house also doesn’t have internet, how am I supposed to survive tonight?”

She gave an “oh” sound, recalling the phone conversation just now, her nose was still stinging.

“Ji Yi, let’s drink.” Nuannuan suddenly said with a low voice, “I wanna drink my troubles away.”

She was silent for a moment, then nodded her head.

And so, Nuannuan very quickly ran out of the room, and found the highland barley wine that had been sent in in the afternoon. Hugging the bottle, Nuannuan explained that it was “exactly the same as rice wine in terms of degrees, definitely cannot make anyone drunk,” and so the two of them sat inside the room drinking freely and unrestrained.

As to how they fell asleep, they did not have any impression of that at all.

The next day when they climbed up, the two had already been changed into another set of clothes, tucked inside the blanket.

……

Ji Yi suddenly felt ashamed, what happened last night, this was as a guest at other people’s home, Nuannuan’s facial expression also changed, “Finished, it must be my mom coming in yesterday, Ji Yi do you still remember?”

She shook her head, not even an impression.

However, what was even stranger was that this matter was not pursued by anyone. Nuannuan’s mother also act as if nothing had happened, only at the dining table, nonchalantly reminded them that girls should not drink, even more so in the future when they are out, especially when their alcohol tolerances were so low. Ji Yi ate food with her head lowered, feeling her face was already roasting-hot.

The day before their departure,  Ji Chengyang personally drove the car, taking Ji Yi and Nuannuan out for a walk around.

JI Yi and Nuannuan ate spicy food, until the spiciness made them tear up, but she did not fail to remember what she had said to her mother, pointing at Maocai[3], asking Ji Chengyang: “This snack, do they have vacuum packed ones?”

He replied with a question: “You like it? Want to take some back?”

“Um”

“Then have some more, cannot take back, besides, this dish, should be able to find in Beijing.”

That’s how it is……

“Then what specialities do they have?” Ji Yi looked at him earnestly, “want the spiciest one.”

“I’ll take you to buy it after.”

Image Credit

Image credit

Image Credit

And so he really did take her to buy the local specialties, then have dinner; when the street lights were up, Nuannuan, seeing the tea houses frequently propping up along the road, felt that she absolutely needed to try for once other people’s way of life.

So, he picked a quiet place, took the two little ladies…… out for tea.

When he was ordering the tea, the server at the tea house was especially friendly, it was that kind of friendliness that especially sprang from seeing a clean, good-looking man. Nuanuan was excited as she observed, whispering in a low voice to Ji Yi: “When I went out with little uncle before, once when I went to the US to visit him, all the ladies would treat him this way. Don’t you think so, my little uncle especially attracts people, the more distant he is, the more others felt they needed to get a few words with him, that kind of …… ability to attract people.”

Ji Yi shook her head.

She had never felt that he was distant……

Nuannuan rolled her eyes, holding her mobile phone, kept sending texts without stopping. Ji Yi very rarely drank tea, took a sip of her Tieguanyin[4], then looked at his Longjing[5], even went as far as to try to observe the tea leaves to discern any differences.

She stared at his cup.

JI Chengyang could tell what she was thinking, “Want to try?”

“Um.”

He filled his cup, then gave it to her.

She took a sip……in fact there is not that much of a difference.

She remembered something, leaning over, said to him in a low voice: “Last night…… do you know about I and Nuannuan getting drunk?

He nodded.

“Did we do anything bad?” This was what she was worried about.

He was silent for a brief moment, then let out a rare smile, “No.”

She breathed a sigh of relief.

He looked as she took out a piece of tissue paper, spitted out the tea leaves she had drank into her mouth on to the paper, folded it up, then threw it into the ashtray.

If a girl in her teen when she got drunk for the first time, only hugged you and cried, repeating hundreds of time “Mom, I’ll behave,” cried until her throat was dry but still would not go to sleep…… the next day waking up completely forgotten about everything.

If it is so, in this girl’s heart, how deep really is the wound?

Such that even she herself did not dare to touch.

[1] 上山下鄉 (shàngshānxiàxiāng) : Going up and down the mountain, this is a reference to the Cultural Revolution Period when intellectuals were put into forced labor in farms out of the cities. There was definitely some certain prohibitions on marriage, but I am not sure why you would need to marry in order to return to the cities. From what I have read, it was more along the lines of prohibiting dating and marriage entirely. Or that you are not allowed to return to the cities if you get married, so there were many people who cohabited, but would not register their marriages nor have children. Perhaps this is a special case because Ji Yi’s grandfather held some kind of position that allowed Ji Yi’s father to return to the cities? I am not really sure!

[2] 建國 short for 建立國家 (jiànlìguòjiā): The establishment of a country. In this case, Ji Yi is talking about the establishment of the People’s Republic of China by Mao Zedong, officially on Oct 1, 1949.

[3]冒菜 (màocài): another dish with Sichuan origin. The name Maocai refers to the way it is cooked, 冒 in Sichuan local dialect meaning cooking quickly. Different food is put in a ladel and the ladle is placed into a pot of boiling soup. After it is cooked, the food is transferred into a bowl and soup is added. It is almost the same as Malatang, but according to Chinese netizens, not really! One difference that was noted is that the food that you put in Malatang often comes in bamboo skewers, but this is not the case of Maocai.

[4]鐵觀音 (tiěguānyiīn): a kind of tea, literally translated as Steel Guanyin, Guanyin being an incarnation of the Buddha, especially revered in Chinese Buddhism.

[5]龍井 (lóngjǐng): another kind of tea, literally translated as Dragon Well. A lot of Longjing tea is grown in Hangzhou, Zhejiang.