Ideas you have for using the 7 Habits to respond to your challenge: Habit 6: Synergize Questions to ask yourself: How and with whom can I interact creatively to come up with a solution to this challenge?

Ideas you have for using the 7 Habits to respond to your challenge: Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw Questions to ask yourself: How can I engage in personal and family renewal so that we can all bring our best energy to this challenge?

Ideas you have for using the 7 Habits to respond to your challenge: One husband and father said this: I think one of the most important things that has come out of being exposed to the 7 Habits is that we now have a common language to talk about things on a higher level. The language used to be slamming doors or walking out or yelling something in a rage. But now we can talk. We can express ourselves when we feel anger or pain. And when we use words like "synergy" or "Emotional Bank Account," our kids understand what we're talking about. And that's really important.

One wife said this: The 7 Habits have made us a lot more teachable, more humble. They are a part of everything we do every day. If I say something unkind to my husband, he'll just remind me that it was a withdrawal, not a deposit. Those words are part of our conversation, and so we can acknowledge it. We don't get into a fight about it or suffer in silence with hurt feelings over it. It's a way to put things that isn't hostile or volatile. It's subtle and kind.

A woman who was recently married said this: With the 7 Habits there's an actual language and a framework. Now I can recognize "Oh, yes, we're thinking win-win here" or "Yes, this is a proactive choice we can lovingly make together" or "Yes, we disagree, but I really do want to understand what you're believing and saying. It's truly important to me, and I'm convinced that we will come up with a third alternative that is going to be much better than my own monovision on the subject."

Truly, the 7 Habits framework will give your family a new language and a new level of communication. It will also empower you to become a transition person, an agent of change, in any situation.

Making "Courage" a Verb

As the rappelling experience I shared earlier suggests, becoming a transition person or a transition family probably takes courage more than anything else. Courage is the quality of every quality at its highest testing point. Take any quality or virtue you can think of-patience, persistence, temperance, humility, charity, fidelity, cheerfulness, wisdom, integrity. Go as far as you can go with that quality until the resisting forces push back and the whole environment is discouraging. At that very moment courage comes into play. In a sense you didn't need courage until that moment came because you were carried by the momentum of the circumstance.

In fact, it's because of discouraging circumstances that you exercise courage. If the circumstances and people surrounding you are encouraging-if they put courage into you-then you can often be carried by the energy of their influence. But if they are discouraging-if they draw courage out of you-then you need to draw courage from within.

If you will recall, in Habit 3 we talked about how forty to fifty years ago society was encouraging to the family. Therefore, successful family life took less commitment and prioritization from within because those things were instilled from without. But today the environment is discouraging, so much so that the very hallmark of transition people and transition families today is inner courage. It takes tremendous personal and also family courage today to create an encouraging and nurturing home environment in the midst of the wider, discouraging environment of society.

But we can do it. Perhaps we ought to turn "courage" into a verb so that we can clearly understand that it lies in our power, that we can make it happen. We could say, "I couraged myself through that struggle. I couraged myself into synergy. I couraged myself into seeking first to understand." Just as forgive is a verb and love is a verb, we could make courage a verb. It's something that lies in our power. That very thought is encouraging. That very thought strengthens the heart and gives one bravery. When you combine that thought with the vision of what your family can be, it can energize and excite you. It's compelling. It drives you.

One of the best parts of being a family is that you can encourage one another. You can put courage into one another. You can believe in one another. You can affirm one another. You can assure one another that you are never going to give up, that you see the potential, and that you are acting in faith based on that potential rather than on any particular behavior or circumstance. You can be bold and strengthen one another's hearts and minds. You can weave a strong and secure safety net of encouraging circumstances in the home so that family members can cultivate those kinds of internal resiliencies and strengths that will enable them to deal with the discouraging, anti-family circumstances outside.

"Sweet Love Remembered"

A short while before my mother died, I opened a love letter from her on a plane flying to some speaking engagement. She wrote such letters frequently even though we talked daily on the phone and visited personally every week or so. Private, effusive letters were her special form of expressing affirmation, appreciation, and love.

I remember reading her letter and feeling the tears roll off my cheeks. I remember feeling a little embarrassed, a little childlike, a little ashamed for being so vulnerable. Yet I felt so warmed and nurtured and treasured. I thought, Everyone needs a mother's love and a father's love.

When Mother passed away, we put on her tombstone a line from one of Shakespeare's great sonnets: "For thy sweet love remembered, such wealth brings . . ."

I would encourage you to read this sonnet slowly and carefully. Let your imagination fill in the richness and meaning of each phrase.

When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes I all alone beweep my outcast state, And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries, And look upon myself and curse my fate, Wishing me like to one more rich in hope, Featured like him, like him with friends possessed, Desiring this man's art and that man's scope, With what I most enjoy contented least.

Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising, Haply I think on thee, and then my state, Like to the lark at break of day arising From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate: For thy sweet love remembered, such wealth brings, That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

All of us can be our children's and grandchildren's "sweet love remembered." Can anything be more important or more significant than that?

As with many of you parents, Sandra and I have shared supernal, marvelous, spiritual experiences with the birth of each of our children-particularly the last three when fathers were permitted to be present in the delivery room-and also when we were invited to be with our daughter Cynthia at the birth of her sixth child.

Our children were born before the modern-day miracle of the epidural was commonplace. I remember once when Sandra was in the last stages of labor with no anesthetic, she asked me to help her breathe correctly. She had been trained in this breathing technique during fourteen special preparation classes we had attended together at the hospital. As I encouraged and tried to model, Sandra said that all her instincts were to breathe opposite to the training given and that she had to "discipline herself and really focus to do it right." She also said I was clueless as to what she was really experiencing although she valued my intention and effort.

As I saw Sandra go into the "valley of the shadow," I felt an inexpressible, overwhelming love and reverence for her-in fact, for all mothers, for their many acts of sacrifice. I came to feel that all truly great things are born of sacrifice and that only through sacrifice-focused, dedicated parental sacrifice-can a truly good family come into being.

Through it all and despite the fact that we're off track 90 percent of the time, I am absolutely convinced that the highest role and the most important stewardship we could ever have is that of mother or father. As my own grandfather, Stephen L Richards, said-and his words have impacted me powerfully over the years with regard to my own role as husband and father-"Of all the vocations that men may pursue in this life, no vocation is fraught with as much responsibility and attended with as much boundless opportunity as the great calling of husband and father. No man, whatever his accomplishments may be, can, in my judgment, be said to have achieved success in life if he is not surrounded by his loved ones."

The Union of Humility and Courage

After a lifetime of study, Albert E. N. Gray made a profound observation in a speech titled "The Common Denominator of Success." He said, "The successful person has the habit of doing the things unsuccessful people don't like to do. They don't like doing them either, but they subordinate their disliking by the strength of their purpose."6 As leaders in your family, you have a very strong and worthy purpose. And that purpose-that sense of destination-will motivate you to have courage and to subordinate your fears and your discomfort in starting some of the things you learned about in this book.

In fact, humility and courage could be compared to the mother and father of a metaphorical family we all have within us. It takes humility to recognize that principles are in control. It takes courage to submit to principles when the social value systems go in another direction. And the child of the union of courage and humility is integrity, or a life that is integrated around principles. The grandchildren are wisdom and an abundance mentality.

These are the things that enable each of us-as individuals and as families-to have hope even when we get off track and to keep coming back time and time again. We must always remember that there are "true north" principles that govern unerringly, that we have the power of choice to apply those principles in our own situation, and that our destination can be reached.

Even with all the struggles inherent in family life, there is no effort that brings richer rewards, sweeter treasures, and deeper satisfactions. With all the energy of my soul, I affirm that despite its challenges, family life is worth all the effort, sacrifice, giving, and long-suffering. And there is always a brightness of hope.

I once watched a television program where two prisoners independently expressed how unfeeling they had become as a result of their incarceration; they had reached a point where they no longer cared about anyone and were no longer influenced by anyone else's pain. They told how completely selfish they had become, how totally wrapped up they were in their own lives, how they essentially saw people as "things" that either helped them get what they wanted or kept them from getting it.

Both of these men were given an opportunity to learn more about their ancestors. They became acquainted with how their parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents had lived their lives-their struggles, triumphs, and failures. In their interviews, both prisoners spoke about how enormously meaningful this had become to them. Realizing that their ancestors also had challenges and struggled to overcome them caused something to happen inside the prisoners' hearts. They began to see others differently. Each began to think, Even though I have made terrible mistakes, my life is not over. I'm going to make my way through this, and like my ancestors, I'm going to leave a legacy that my descendants will be able to see. It doesn't even matter if I never leave prison. They will have my history and my intentions. They will better understand the way I lived my life here. These men-sitting there in their orange prison suits, all the hardness gone from their eyes-had found conscience and hope. It came from coming home, from finding out about their ancestors-their family.

Everyone has a family. Everyone can ask, "What is my family legacy?" Everyone can seek to leave a legacy. And I personally believe that even beyond our own influence and the strength of our family, we have the ability to tap into a higher form of influence: the power of God. If we continue in faithfulness-never giving up on wayward sons or daughters but doing everything in our power to reach them and continually offering a prayer of faith-God may take a hand in the situation in His way and in His time. We never know when human beings will be inspired to reach into the depths of their soul and exercise their most precious gift of life: the freedom to choose to finally come home.

God bless you in your effort to create a beautiful family culture. And God bless your family. As I quoted in Chapter 1: There is a tide in the affairs of men, Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune; Omitted, all the voyage of their life Is bound in shallows and in miseries.

On such a full sea are we now afloat, And we must take the current when it serves, Or lose our ventures.

Some of the most cherished moments in my life have come fairly frequently when disembarking a plane. I would see a loving family waiting there for a family member who had been away and was coming home. I would stop and watch and feel. As these loved ones embraced one another, with tears of joy and gratitude and reuniting showing their precious caring and true wealth, my eyes also moistened and my heart longed to come home. They-and I-were all reaffirmed once again in the truth that life is really about coming home.

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH ADULTS AND TEENS.

Moving to Higher Destinations Review the material in his chapter. Identify the four levels-survival, stability, success, and significance-and discuss the main characteristics of each level. Ask family members: Where are we as a family? What is our desired destination?

Discuss the statement: "Contributing together as a family not only helps those who benefit from the contribution, but also strengthens the contributing family in the process."

Review the material in this chapter. Talk together about the idea of being problem minded (foot on the brake) versus being opportunity minded (foot on the gas). Ask family members: How can we remove restraining forces so that driving forces will move us forward?

Leadership in the Family Review the material that describes the Principle-Centered Family Leadership Tree. Discuss the four leadership roles: modeling, mentoring, organizing, and teaching. Talk about the main characteristics of each role. Ask the following questions: -Why is being trustworthy important to modeling?

-Why is building trust a vital part of mentoring? How can the idea of the Emotional Bank Account help build trust?

-Why does planning and organizing play such a significant role in family influence and leadership? What is the principle of alignment and how is it applied here?

-Why is teaching important in the family? How does the principle of empowerment work?

Discuss the three common mistakes with regard to principle-centered family leadership.

Review the difference between discipline and punishment. You may want to refer back to Habit 4. Ask: How can principle-centered leadership help us discipline without punishing?

Discuss the trim tab factor, letting go, courage, and humility. Talk about how these ideas relate to family guidance and child development.

Consider together: Are we managing or leading in our family? What is the difference?

Discuss the statement: "Whether you realize it or not, you are a leader in your family!" Why is this statement true?

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH CHILDREN.

"We are kind to others and try to help them"

Discuss the following situations: Amy asked her dad to help her with her homework. He was tired, but he smiled and helped anyway.

Adam wanted to play with his toy car, but his twin brother was playing with it. Mom asked Adam, "Couldn't your brother play with it just a little longer?" Ask: What happens when family members are kind and unselfish with one another? How do family members feel?

Write the name of each family member on a slip of paper and put all the slips in a box. Have family members draw names without letting anyone else know whose name they have. Encourage everyone to be kind and helpful toward the person whose name they drew throughout the coming week and to notice how it makes them feel.

Tell the following story: Sammy stood looking out the window, watching the rain pouring down. He heard a crying sound coming from outside. He listened very carefully. He tried to see through the glass, but it was raining too hard to see clearly. He quickly went to the front door and opened it. On the doorstep was a little brown kitten, soaking wet and meowing over and over again. Something inside Sammy swelled up at the sight of that little wet animal. He gently picked up the kitten and felt it shivering. He held the kitten tightly next to his chest and walked into the kitchen. Sammy's sister put some clean rags in a little box. She dried off the kitten. She put some milk in a saucer. Sammy sat down beside the box and put his hand on the kitten to warm it. It stopped shivering. Sammy felt warm and good. "I'm so glad we heard the kitten," Sammy said. "Maybe we saved his life."

Ask family members: How did Sammy feel about the kitten? Responses may include: He felt sorry for it because it was wet and cold. He wanted to be kind and help it. It made him feel good to be kind and want to help.

Share stories from your personal or family experience of times when you or others showed kindness and helped others. Share how it made you feel. Help children think of ways they can help others who are outside the family. Encourage them to follow through during the week. Have them share their feelings.

Involve younger children in service projects that you perform for neighbors, friends, and community. As you model an abundance mentality, your children will grow up to be sharing, contributing adults who truly have an interest in the welfare of others.

NOTES.

A Personal Message

1. Commencement address by Barbara Bush to the 1990 graduating class at Wellesley College (Wellesley College Library, Wellesley, Mass.), pp. 45.

You're Going to Be "Off Track" 90 Percent of the Time. So What?

1. Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina (London: Oxford University Press, 1949), p. 1.

2. Governor Michael Leavitt of Utah, presented in a teleconference on the Governor's Initiative for Families Today, March 1997.

3. Monthly Vital Statistics Report. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services: National Center for Health Statistics, vol. 44, no. 11(S), June 24, 1996.

4. U.S. Bureau of the Census, as published in the Statistical Abstracts of the U.S., October 1996, p. 99.

5. U.S. Bureau of the Census, Current Population Reports, pp. 23180, and National Center for Health Statistics, Advance Data from Vital and Health Statistics, no. 194.

6. National Center for Health Statistics, Mortality Statistic Branch: Vital Statistics of the U.S.: 19751990, vol. 2.

7. U.S. Department of Education, The Condition of Education. The Office of Educational Research and Improvement, 1996.

8. F. Byron Nahser and Susan E. Mehrtens, What's Really Going On? (Chicago: Corporantes, 1993), p. 12.

9. U.S. Bureau of the Census, Current Population Reports, pp. 23180, and National Center for Health Statistics, Advance Data from Vital and Health Statistics, No. 194.