When I married Cherlynn, I was exposed to a completely different family situation. Her dad was a very strong role model. He was very involved with his children. He devoted tremendous time and energy to them. He encouraged them to set educational and other important goals. He planned family vacations. He called everyone together for family prayer. When there were problems, he hung in there and resolved them in true win-win ways.

This man was such a strong, active participant in the family's rearing that it left an indelible impression on me. Here was a family that was turning out really well, and I recognized that this father had a big influence on that. So I became something of a sponge-just watching everything, observing, and being very impressed. Without question, Cherlynn's father has been the largest role model in my life.

Can you see the influence these transition people-these agents of change, these "trim tab" people-have had? Even when there's no need to overcome a negative past but just to build a positive future, trim tab people can make a profound difference.

The truth is that each of us belongs to a family, and each has the power and the capacity to make a tremendous difference. As author Marianne Williamson has said: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.4 This truly represents the fullness of the human condition and nature-to see in ourselves such capacity that we can transcend our own history and provide leadership for our families, that we can lead our families into becoming catalysts who provide leadership in society as well.

Letting Go

I will never forget the first experience I had rappelling down a mountain. The cliff was probably 120 feet high. I watched as several others were trained to rappel and then did it. I saw them reach the safety of waiting arms and receive the cheers of the people at the bottom.

But when it came to my turn, all my intellectualization went into my stomach, and I experienced sheer terror. I was supposed to walk backward off the cliff. I knew there was a safety rope around me in case I should black out. In my mind I could see the other people who had done it successfully. I had an intellectual understanding of the whole situation and an intellectual sense of security. I was even one of the instructors-not dealing with the technical side but with the social, emotional, and spiritual sides. And forty students were looking to me for leadership and guidance. Nevertheless, I was terrified. That first step off the cliff was the moment of truth, the paradigm shift from faith in my comfort zone to an intellectual, physical system of ideas and ropes. As terrifying as it was, I did it-as did others. I arrived safely at the bottom, invigorated by the success of meeting the challenge.

I can't think of an experience that better describes the feeling of some who may struggle with the ideas in this book. Perhaps you may feel this way. The idea of a family mission statement and of having a weekly family time and regular one-on-one bonding experiences may be so far out of your comfort zone that you just can't imagine how you could do it even though it makes intellectual sense to you and you really want to do it.

All I would like to say to you is "You can do this!" Take that step. As the expression goes, "Put your money in your left hand and your guts in your right hand and jump."

I know we've covered a lot of material in this book. But do not let it overwhelm you! If you will just start where you are and keep working, I promise you that unbelievably wonderful insights will come. The more you live these habits, the more you will see how their greatest power is not in the individual habits but in the way they work together to create a framework-or a sort of mental map-that you can apply in any situation.

Consider how helpful an accurate map is in helping you reach any destination. An inaccurate map, on the other hand, is worse than useless-it's misleading. Imagine trying to reach a destination in the United States when all you have to go by is a map of Europe. You might try harder, but you'd be lost twice as fast. You might think positively and end up being cheerful, but you would still be lost. The bottom line is that, assuming this is the only source of information you have, it's very unlikely you would ever reach your destination.

In working with families, there are at least three common misleading maps: The "advice from others" map. Projecting our own experience onto other people's lives is a common thing to do. But think about it: Would your glasses work for someone else? Would your shoes fit someone else's feet? In some cases, yes, but most often, no. What works in one situation does not necessarily work in another.

The social values map. Another common map consists of theories that are based on social values rather than principles. But as we saw in Habit 3, social values are not necessarily the same as principles. For example, if you love a child based on his or her behavior, you may manipulate that behavior in the short run. But the child learns to win love by good behavior. Can that possibly bring good results over time? And does it give a realistic picture of what "love" really is?

The "deterministic" map. One of the most subtle of all paradigms is the map that is based on deterministic assumptions. The picture it creates is that essentially we are victims of our genes and circumstances. People who live with this map tend to speak and think in terms such as these: "That's just the way I am. There's nothing I can do about it."

"My grandmother was like that, my mother was like that, and so am I."

"Oh, that character trait comes from my father's side of the family."

"He makes me so mad!"

"These kids are driving me crazy!"

The deterministic map gives a skewed picture of our own deep inner nature, and it denies our fundamental power to choose.

Now these and other maps are at the root of many of the things we think and do in the family. And as long as we have these maps, it is very difficult for us to act outside them.

To illustrate, one time when I spoke to a large group of people, my mother was in the audience. She sat up close to the front, and she became very upset during my speech because two people in the front row kept talking. She felt it was inconsiderate-and even insulting-to her son, and she fretted over what she considered rude and inappropriate behavior.

At the end of the speech she went up to another person who had been sitting in the front row and began to comment rather heatedly on the situation. The other person responded, "Oh, yes! That woman is from Korea, and the gentleman is her interpreter."

My mother was totally chagrined. Suddenly she saw the whole thing differently. She was ashamed and embarrassed about her judgmental attitude. And she realized that she had lost much of what was offered in the presentation because of it-all because of a wrong map.

Throughout the speech she may have tried to think more charitably toward those two people in the front row. Afterward, she may even have tried to interact with them in positive ways. But as long as her "map" said that they were being rude and discourteous, any effort to simply change her attitude or her behavior would have brought minimal results. It wasn't until she got a more accurate map that she was able to effect a change in herself and in the situation.

The point is that we all act based on our maps. And if we want to create change in our lives and in our families, it's not enough to focus on attitudes and behaviors. We have to change the map.

Outside-in will no longer work. Only inside-out will work. As Einstein put it, "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." The real key is in learning and using a new way of thinking-a new, more accurate map.

Experiencing the 7 Habits Framework

Next to the emotion of hope and resolve, I would like you, the reader, to take from this book an appreciation of the usefulness and power of the 7 Habits map or framework as a whole in understanding and in resolving any family problem you may have. The key is not in any particular habit or any particular story, however fascinating, or any particular practice, however well it has worked for others. The key is in learning and using this new way of thinking.

You might well ask, "But how can a single approach possibly deal with every conceivable situation-with the challenges of a large growing family, a childless couple, a single-parent family, a blended family, grandparents and grown siblings?" You might also ask, "Can a single approach work in different nations, different cultures?"

The answer is: It can-if it is based on universal needs and universal principles.

The 7 Habits framework is based on a principle-centered approach to fulfilling our needs-physical/economic, social, mental, and spiritual. This framework is simple but not simplistic. As Oliver Wendell Holmes said, "I wouldn't give a fig for the simplicity on this side of complexity, but I would give my right arm for the simplicity on the far side of complexity." The 7 Habits approach is simplicity on the far side of complexity because all the habits are based on universal principles, organized inside-out, to be adapted to any situation by the individuals involved. It addresses both the acute and the chronic problems-both the felt pain and the underlying cause. The 7 Habits approach is not heavy academic theory, nor is it a bunch of simplistic success formulas. It truly is a third alternative in family literature.

To illustrate how you can apply this framework, let me share with you two stories of people who did so successfully in very different situations. As you read these stories, watch for instances where the people involved begin to use the 7 Habits-either to understand or to resolve their concern.

One woman shared this experience of a crisis she had in her marriage: My husband and I have always had a really volatile marriage. We're both extremely stubborn people who know exactly what we want and are determined to get it at all costs.

About a year and a half ago, we hit an absolute wall. Three years earlier, Jeff had informed me that he was going to graduate school-across the country in Pennsylvania, no less. I was not happy with that at all because I had a promising career, we had just purchased a home, my family all lived nearby, and I was as happy as a clam right where I was.

So I dug in my heels and resisted ferociously for about six months. Finally I decided, Well, I'm married to this guy, so I guess I'll go with him. I followed him, resentfully, across the country to Pennsylvania. I supported him financially for the next two years, but that's about it. I was very grumpy about being there. I'm not much of an easterner, so it took me quite a while to get accustomed to living in Pennsylvania. I had no friends and no family there. I had to start all over. And I totally blamed Jeff for how miserable I was because it had been his idea to drag me there.

When Jeff finally graduated, I said, "Okay, I've been working all this time, and now it's your turn to start looking for a job." He dutifully went about the normal process of job hunting, applying all over the country and going on interviews. But things just weren't panning out for him, and he was miserable.

And I didn't even care that he was miserable. I just wanted him to find a job somewhere-anywhere-and get me out of this hick college town.

Off and on he tried to talk with me about his feelings. He'd say, "You know, Angie, what I'd like to do is start my own business. I don't really want to work for somebody else."

And I said, "You know what? I really don't care. We're in debt for school. We have no equity. You need to get a job and support us. I want to have more children. I want to settle down. I want to stay in one place for a while, and you're not making that happen for me." Finally, I had just had it with his not being able to decide what he wanted to be when he grew up. I got really frustrated and went out west to visit my parents.

While I was there, I decided to interview for a job. And I got it. I called Jeff and said, "You're not getting a job, so guess what I did. I went out and got a job because I wanted to." I worked at this job for about three months. During this time I was exposed to the 7 Habits.

Jeff finally decided to come out and talk things over. We were so at odds with each other. He was living in Pennsylvania, and I was living in Utah. We barely spoke to each other. We had no home. Everything we owned was in storage. We had a child. We had come to this crisis point: Were we going to be married or were we going to barrel through our lives separately?

We went to dinner the night he arrived, and I thought, I'm going to try this. I'm going to think win-win if it kills me. I'm going to try to synergize if it's the last thing I do.

I explained some of these things to Jeff, and he agreed to try it. For the next four or five hours we sat in the restaurant talking things over. We started making a list of what we really wanted from our marriage. He was surprised to find that what I really wanted was stability, that I didn't care so much if he had a normal job, but a normal job was the way that I perceived stability.

"If I can give you stability and open my own business, would that be acceptable to you?" he asked.

I said, "Sure."

"If I were able to do this and you were able to find work that you enjoy and live in a part of the country that you enjoy, would that be good for you?"

Again I said, "Sure."

Then he asked, "Do you not like working? Is that why you keep telling me to get a job?"

And I said, "No. I actually love working, but I don't like feeling that it's all my responsibility."

We went back and forth, and we hammered all these things out. We walked out of the restaurant that night with a list of shared, clearly defined expectations. We wrote them down because we were afraid we wouldn't commit to our plan if we didn't have it in writing.

Last September, on the one-year anniversary of that dinner, Jeff pulled out the list, and we took inventory of what had happened.

He had opened his own business, which is flourishing. It's still a huge struggle. He sometimes works twenty hours a day, and I've had to keep mum about the debt we've incurred to get it started. But the business has actually paid for itself, and we're already making significant progress in getting out of debt.

I came to consider my own job more seriously-in part because of the risk involved in Jeffs setting up his own business. But I also came to enjoy my work. I was promoted several times and finally found exactly what I like to do.

We bought a home. In fact, we discovered we'd done everything on the list. For the first time in our lives, I feel that we're stable. And I'm happy. It all began on that night when we sat down determined to practice Habits 4, 5, and 6.

Did you notice how this woman made the proactive choice (Habit 1: Be proactive) to face the challenge in her marriage? Even though it was difficult, she decided to practice Habits 4, 5, and 6 (Think win-win; Seek first to understand, then to be understood; Synergize). She explained the process to her husband, and together they created a list of what they really wanted from their marriage (Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind).

Notice how they started to think in terms of mutual benefit (Habit 4: Think win-win) and moved toward mutual understanding (Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood). As they talked back and forth and each became more open, they made more and more discoveries about how the other felt inside. They hammered out the issues and finally left the restaurant with a list of shared expectations (Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind). Later, they reconnected with that list and evaluated their progress (Habit 7: Sharpen the saw).

Can you see how this couple used the 7 Habits framework to create positive change in their marriage and in their lives?

Let's look at another example. A single mother shared this experience of going through the disability and death of her husband.

Five years ago my husband, Tom, was in an accident that left him paralyzed from the neck down. At that point any future planning stopped for us. We had no focus on the future. We weren't sure there would even be a future. The only focus we had was on Tom's survival from day to day.

Just when we would begin to feel secure in his progress, he would go back into the hospital again. This happened about every six months. And these weren't short hospital stays. He would be there for four to eight weeks at a time. During those stays, any progress he'd made would generally fade, and he'd have to start developing what little skills he had all over again.

It was like being on a roller coaster every minute. You knew you were going over the edge, but you never knew when. There was nothing to hold on to. We knew that the accident meant a shorter life expectancy for Tom, but no one could tell us what that meant. It could be an hour, a day, a year, ten years. We lived in a timeless world waiting for the next shoe to drop.

It was during this time that I changed jobs. The environment I had come out of was one where if you weren't working sixty hours a week and your work wasn't first, you weren't working hard enough or smart enough or fast enough. And suddenly I found myself in an environment where Habit 3 (Put first things first) was the rule of thumb. In this environment, I was told, "You decide what's first. Not only can you decide what's first, but you can make it first in your life."

It was very clear that Tom's life had a very limited time frame, and I realized that his quality of life was a real priority for me. And suddenly I had been given permission to put him first.

So after work I would go home and spend time with Tom. Sometimes I'd take him places. Sometimes we'd just sit and hold hands or watch TV. But I didn't have to worry about whether I was working hard enough or smart enough or fast enough. Before, I would run home, feed him, and hurry to get everything done before I had to get back to work the next day. My time with him had been very, very limited. But now that I found I could make him the priority he was in my life, I actually spent the most incredible quality time with him. We talked about his death. We planned his funeral. We talked about our life. Mostly we talked about the things we shared and how much we had enriched each other's lives. We developed a bond in our relationship during those last six months that went far beyond anything we had ever gained in our lifetime before.

The mission statement I wrote during that time contained this phrase: "I will serve the world one person at a time." And for six glorious months Tom was the person I served. Tom was very clear what his mission was: to make sure that whatever hardships he had to face he faced with dignity and that he was to find the best learning from his experience and share it with others. He felt that part of his purpose in life was to be a role model for his sons, to make sure they knew that whatever life deals you is something to learn from.

Tom's death gave us, as a family, a sense of freedom. And my mission statement continued to give me a sense of direction. It was hard. After dedicating every moment of my life to my husband, I was left with a terrible void. But suddenly there was time that needed to be spent with children who were also facing a critical time in their lives. And that mission statement gave me permission to spend time in the healing process that all of us needed. During the next few months that "one person" I had determined to serve sometimes became the children; at other times it was myself.

I have found as a single parent that when I remember to focus on my children, when I remember that my role as a mother is my most important role each day, I don't have any problem making my children the first things in my life. And that has given me something I never had from my own family. It's given me the opportunity to spend time with my kids and make sure as we go along that I share with them the experiences and values and principles that have helped me through my darkest hours. I can do that without pulling away from anything else in my life. I can still work hard, and my work doesn't suffer because I'm constantly nurturing and being nurtured by the most important relationships in my life.

Notice how this woman began to use Habit 3 (Put first things first) to organize around her real priorities. Notice how she and her husband talked and began to understand each other's deepest thoughts and feelings (Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood). Notice how they both practiced Habit 2 (Begin with the end in mind) by creating their mission statements, which gave each of them a tremendous sense of purpose during this difficult time. And notice how this woman's mission statement continued to give her strength even after her husband died.

Notice her sense of purpose and service orientation in dealing with her children (Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind) and her proactive decision to spend much-needed time with them (Habit 3: Put first things first). Notice, too, the spirit of renewal (Habit 7: Sharpen the saw) and her comfort in spending time with herself and her children in healing.

Even in the midst of her struggles, this woman became a transition person, an agent of change. Instead of passing on the kind of treatment she had received from her own parents, she proactively chose to give her children a legacy of love.

Now, even though these situations are different, can you begin to see how the 7 Habits framework can address both effectively?

Again, the greatest power of this framework is not in each habit individually but in how they work together. In their synergy they create a whole-a powerful, problem-solving framework-that is even greater than the sum of its parts.

Applying the 7 Habits Framework in Your Own Situation

I'd like to invite you now to consider a family challenge that you have and to see how you might apply this framework in your situation. I've included a worksheet on the following page to make it easier. I suggest that if you develop the habit of going through this or a similar process with each of your family challenges, you will find your family becoming more and more effective because you will be accessing and integrating the principles that govern in all of life.

And as each challenge brings you back to these underlying principles and as you see how they play out in each situation, you will begin to recognize their timeless, universal nature and to really understand them-almost for the first time. As T. S. Eliot has said, "We must not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place for the first time."5 You probably will also discover that one of the most significant benefits (aside from the fact that it works) is that you will have a language with which you can communicate more effectively what's happening inside your family. In fact, this is one of the things I hear most often from families who are working with the 7 Habits.

The 7 Habits Family Worksheet

Applying Principles to Your Challenges You are the expert in your life. Take any challenge you are dealing with and apply the 7 Habits to develop a response that is true to principles. You may decide to carry out this exercise with another family member or a helpful friend.

The situation: What is the challenge? When does it occur? Under what circumstances?

Habit 1: Be Proactive Questions to ask yourself: Am I taking responsibility for my actions? How am I using my pause button to act based on principles instead of just reacting?

Ideas you have for using the 7 Habits to respond to your challenge: Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind Questions to ask yourself: What is my end in mind? How could a personal or family mission statement (or working on one) help?

Ideas you have for using the 7 Habits to respond to your challenge: Habit 3: First Things First Questions to ask yourself: Am I doing what matters most? What can I do to better focus? How can weekly family time or one-on-ones help?

Ideas you have for using the 7 Habits to respond to your challenge: Habit 4: Think "Win-Win"

Questions to ask yourself: Do I really want everyone to win? Am I open to seeking a third-alternative solution that will benefit everyone?

Ideas you have for using the 7 Habits to respond to your challenge: Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood Questions to ask yourself: How can I more earnestly seek to understand others? How can I exercise courage and consideration in expressing my own view?