Serving Together

A mother shared this experience: My husband, Mark, grew up in a Polynesian village where people had to work together to survive. And my own mom was always helping people-whether it was in the church or in the neighborhood or just someone she heard about that had a need. So Mark and I both grew up with a sense of working and serving together. And when we married and began to have our own children, we decided that one of the values we wanted to instill in them was a sense of service to others.

We've never had much in the way of financial resources, so we felt a little limited about making charitable contributions. But as we talked together, we realized that there was one thing we could do: We could make quilts. Piece goods are fairly inexpensive. And tying a quilt is quite simple-something we could do as a family, something that requires physical effort and skill. And a quilt is something people can use and appreciate.

So every year we piece together about twelve quilts for different families. This year we made some for my aunt's family, who have had some hard times. We've just started one for a neighbor who's going through a divorce.

The kids have been a big part of identifying people in need because young children are more open with one another and are not so embarrassed by the need. And they really enjoy helping. We sit around the quilting frames and talk about a lot of things-so it helps with communication, too. And they love to deliver the finished quilts, whether we do it secretly or not (although I think they enjoy the secret drop-offs the best).

We have a lot of good times doing this together as a family. Even the little girls (three and five) have things they can do, such as cutting out pieces of fabric and clipping the yarn. Sometimes they make the little cards to go with the quilt. But everyone is involved. We feel that's important.

A father shared this: Some time ago my wife and I decided that we have been given a lot in life and need to give back more than we take. So we started a youth group-a kind of outreach group-in our home. We also have teenage children, and we thought what better way could there be to understand and be part of their lives than to offer something like this to them and their friends.

So we had twelve or thirteen kids come over to our home on a weekly basis. It was an interdenominational, interracial group. The only thing they had in common was that they were in the same school district. They understood up front that this was on a trial basis to see if they liked getting together once a week. We set up a contract so that everyone would understand and agree on what was to happen. We came up with some guidelines for behavior, such as "when one person is talking, everyone else listens." And we tried to plan the meetings around the things they wanted to talk about.

In the beginning we talked about things like honesty, respect, apologizing for mistakes, having a sense of contribution. The group evolved to the point where they started asking questions like "What is trust?" and "What is peer pressure?" My wife and I did research on whatever they asked about and presented it at the following week's meeting. We didn't do a lot of teaching through words. We spent maybe fifteen minutes doing that, but from there it went to physical activities. Some activities were outdoors; some were indoors. All of them highlighted the concepts they told us they wanted to hear about.

After we completed that first contract, the kids were very eager to continue with the second. They liked having a place where they could talk and ask questions about things that were important to them. And the parents appreciated it, too. One of the mothers called us up to say, "I don't know what you do at your house for that hour and a half to two hours, but it must be something remarkable. The other day I made a negative comment to my daughter about someone else, and she said, 'You know, Mom, we really don't know that girl. We shouldn't be saying that. That's just what we're hearing from someone else.' I'm so glad she brought that to my attention. I wish adults could do this, too."

Can you see how tremendously renewing this tradition of serving together can be? It's spiritually renewing because it's focused on something higher than self. It can also be part of fulfilling and renewing your family mission statement.

Depending on the nature of the service, it can be mentally or physically renewing as well. It can involve developing talents, learning new concepts or skills, or being involved in physical activity. And there's tremendous social renewal in it: Can you imagine anything more bonding, more unifying, more energizing to the relationship than working together to accomplish something that is really meaningful and worthwhile?

Having Fun Together

Probably the most important dimension of all these traditions is having fun together-genuinely enjoying one another, enjoying the home environment, making home and family the happiest, biggest "warm fuzzy" in people's lives. Having fun together is so vital and so important that it could even be listed as a tradition in and of itself. And it can be nurtured and expressed in many ways.

In our family we've built a lot of social camaraderie around humor. For example, we have a number of what we call "Covey cult films." These movies are hilarious, and we frequently watch them together and have the funniest times. Everyone enjoys them immensely. We've learned the dialogue so well that many times we get into situations and the whole family reenacts an entire scene from the movie, word for word. Everyone cracks up and outsiders wonder.

As we observed in Habit 1, humor puts things in perspective so you don't take yourself too seriously. You don't get hung up on small issues or other little irritating things that can be divisive and create polarization in the family. Sometimes it takes only one person to inject a little humor into the situation and change the entire course of an event or turn an otherwise mundane task into an adventure.

Maria (daughter): I remember when we lived in Hawaii, Dad used to give Mom Saturdays sometimes to recover from all of us. He'd say, "Okay, kids, today I'm taking you all on adventures." We'd never know what the adventures were going to be. We were so excited. We didn't know this until later, but he'd make them up as he went along.

The first adventure might be to go swimming in the ocean. Then we'd go to Goo's Store, and everyone would get an ice cream cone. Then we'd hike a little trail. There might be seven adventures in all, and each of them would be a big event.

I also remember Dad taking us to the swimming pool and playing with us for hours-just throwing us around. He was crazy. He had no inhibitions, no embarrassment at all. A lot of parents won't play with their kids, but Mom and Dad were both very fun-loving and would always play with us and do things with us.

David (son): I remember when it would be Dad's turn to drive the car pool. We'd have this whole car full of kids, and Dad would do the funniest, the craziest things. He'd tell jokes. He'd get people to recite a poem or sing a song. He always had everyone in stitches.

As we got older, we would sometimes feel embarrassed by his behavior. But he'd always say, "Okay. Crazy or boring-take your choice."

"Boring!" we'd say. "Don't embarrass us, Dad." So he would just sit there stiff and silent. But then the other kids would yell, "Crazy! We want crazy!" And off he'd go again. The kids in the car pool just loved it.

Sandra: I think there are some traditions that should have never gotten started-and they are very hard to stop! For instance, one time during dinner Stephen was called to the phone for a long-distance conversation with some business associates. The boys were anxious for him to get off the phone, and they kept pleading with him in pantomime to hang up. But he just waved them off and put his finger to his lips in a hushing motion.

Finally realizing that their father couldn't possibly keep up his end of the business conversation and negotiation and keep them occupied and quiet at the same time, they recognized his vulnerability and immediately acted upon it. One boy got a jar of peanut butter out of the cupboard and started spreading it on his shiny bald head. Another put a layer of red raspberry jam on top of the peanut butter, and a third boy topped it with a slice of Wonder bread. They built a perfectly marvelous sandwich on the top of his head, and there was nothing he could do about it.

After that they looked forward to this opportunity every time he was caught on a long-distance phone call. They especially enjoyed it if their friends were there to witness it. Stephen wasn't too excited about this tradition, but the final blow to his ego came on a hot summer evening when we were sitting on the lawn with some neighbors and friends watching a performance by some of our younger children, who were using the front porch as their stage.

A car full of teenagers pulled up, coming to a screeching stop. Five or six of them jumped out of the car and ran toward my husband. They were on a video-recording scavenger hunt. "Mr. Covey! Mr. Covey!" they cried. "We need you! We have to win this game. Please help us out." They surrounded him with jars of peanut butter and jam and a loaf of bread and made a glorious sandwich atop the crown of his head, videotaping the entire production. They finally left and Stephen went into the house to wash off his head. He then returned to watch the rest of the plays.

Just as he (and our astonished neighbors) had settled down, a second car full of enthusiastic and eager teenagers pulled into the driveway. They ran to him with the same request. They assured him that they knew how to make the sandwich since they had been well taught by Sean, David, and Stephen.

Before the night was over, three cars managed to win their points by following suit. Our neighbor, whose children hosted the party, said the highlight of the evening was the playback of the peanut butter sandwich episode. They assured us that Stephen was the star of the video scavenger hunt.

What an honor-and what a tradition!

Nurturing the Spirit of Renewal

Whatever traditions you decide to create in your family culture, you'll find there's a lot you can do that will nurture the "spirit" or feeling of renewal in your everyday interactions.

Sandra: One simple tradition that we've developed through the years is that of making a fuss over comings and goings. When the children come home from school, it takes only a few minutes to greet them warmly and ask about their day. As they put their books away, take their coats off, and start to unwind, I have found it's nice to take time out from whatever I am doing and concentrate on them-to ask how their day went, to sense their attitude, spirit, or mood, and to help them prepare some fruit, a drink, or a snack as we talk it over. It's so easy to keep being involved in the things that you were doing before they came, but it really enriches the relationship when you stop completely and focus on them-even follow them into their bedroom, asking questions and getting involved in their life and day's activities.

Everyone likes to feel as if they were missed. It's nice to be greeted and have a fuss made over you so that you feel assured that you're an important part of the family. It's very rewarding to have someone listen to you, ask about your concerns, sense your mood, and seem to love being with you. It takes a little practice and effort, but it's well worth it.

I remember at a small dinner party at a friend's house one night, one of the guests arrived alone, stating that her husband had been delayed and would come within the hour. He came in about forty-five minutes later, apologizing for the delay. When he arrived, our friend Sabra's eyes and face lit up. Her smile and sense of excitement in seeing him conveyed to everyone their love for each other. It was obvious that they missed each other during the time they had been separated.

I thought to myself, What a warm welcome! He's a lucky man. About a year later Woody, the husband, had a sudden illness. Within weeks he died unexpectedly. Everyone was shocked. I think Sabra was glad she had always made so much of their comings and goings by taking a moment to express her love for him.

We've also tried to "adopt" our children's friends.

Sean (son): In high school I had a few friends on the football team who were kind of wild. What Mom and Dad did, basically, was adopt my friends. They videotaped every game, and afterward invited everyone to our house for pizza. About half the team would show up, and we'd watch the game together. So all my friends got to like my parents. They thought my parents were cool, and so did I. The really neat thing about that was that many of my friends ended up being influenced by our family instead of the other way around. And some of those kids turned their lives around.

David (son): Our house was always the neighborhood hangout because my mother welcomed all our friends and was willing to put up with the chaos that often accompanied our get-togethers. There were times when I would show up from high school with four or five ravenous football friends, and upon entering the kitchen, I would pound the table and jokingly bellow to my mother, "Feed my face! Feed my friends' faces!" She would laugh and win my friends' loyalty with a fine meal, regardless of the hour. Her sense of humor and willingness to put up with such inconveniences made our home a welcome environment that I felt confident bringing friends into.

These traditions-big and small-are the things that bond us, renew us, and give us identity as a family. And each family is unique. Each family must discover and create its own. Our children have grown up with a lot of traditions, but they have discovered-as everyone does-that when you marry, you may well enter into a relationship with someone who has an entirely different set of traditions. And this is why it's important to practice Habits 4, 5, and 6 and decide together which traditions reflect the kind of family you want to be.

Traditions Bring Family Healing

Over time, these renewing traditions become one of the most powerful forces in the family culture. And no matter what your past or current situation, they are something you can become aware of, create in your own family, and possibly even extend to others who may never have had the benefit of such renewal in their lives.

I know of one man who grew up in a very cynical home environment. He eventually married a wonderful woman who began to help him find out who he really was and discover his great untapped potential. As his confidence grew, he became increasingly aware of the toxic nature of his past environment and began to identify more and more with his wife's family and parents. Her family had its normal challenges, but their culture was fundamentally nurturing, caring, and empowering.

For this man, to return "home" was to go to his wife's home-to laugh with her family and to talk late at night with her parents who loved him, believed in him, and encouraged him. In fact, recently, this man-who is now forty years old-called his in-laws to ask if he could spend a weekend with them-visiting with the family, staying in the guest bedroom, and joining in their meals. They quickly replied, "Of course you can come!" It was like returning to his childhood and being healed by "the family." After the visit, this man remarked, "It's like being bathed and renewed again-and overcoming my youth and finding hope." With new strength, this man is becoming a model and mentor to his own mother and family and helping to rebuild stability and hope there.

In any distress or disease, true healing involves all four dimensions: the physical (including the best art and science available in the medical or alternative medical field, as well as keeping the body vital and strong), the social/emotional (including generating positive energy and avoiding negative energy such as criticism, envy, and hatred, as well as being connected to the support base created by family and friends who are all adding their faith, prayers, and support), the mental (including learning about illness and visualizing the immune system of the body fighting it), and the spiritual (including exercising faith and tapping into those spiritual powers higher than our own). Family renewal helps make this four-dimensional healing available to everyone in the family. It helps create the powerful immune system we talked about in Habit 6 that enables people to handle difficulties and setbacks, and promotes physical, social, mental, and spiritual health.

Recognizing the power of renewal and renewing traditions in the family opens the door to all kinds of interaction and creativity in developing a beautiful family culture. In fact, sharpening the saw is the single highest leverage activity in life because it affects everything else so powerfully. It renews all the other habits and helps create a powerful magnetlike force in the family culture that consistently draws people toward the flight path and helps them stay on track.

As important as traditions are, it's good to remember that the best of them don't always work out perfectly. In our own family, for example, we get ready to go into the family room on Christmas morning. We line everyone up-youngest to oldest-on the stairs. We turn on Christmas music and set up the video camera. We say, "Is everyone excited? Okay, let's go!" And inevitably, in the stampede, the youngest one falls down and starts crying. When we all get together, there are a lot of people in one place. It's very crowded. And we occasionally have our arguments.

But, amazingly, through it all these traditions are the things people remember. These are the things that bond and unify and renew us as a family. They renew us socially and mentally and physically and spiritually. And with this renewal we are able to return refreshed to the everyday challenges of life.

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH ADULTS AND TEENS.

Can Family Relationships Drift Apart?

Review the material on "Entropy." Ask family members: What is entropy? Discuss the idea that "all things need watching, working at, caring for, and marriage is no exception." Ask: In what ways might entropy become evident in a relationship?

What Are Some Ways to Bond the Family Together?

Discuss: What traditions work best for our family? Responses might include family dinners, birthday celebrations, family vacations, holidays, or other occasions.

Ask family members what traditions they have noticed in other families. Ask what they have seen these families do to effectively nurture their traditions.

Review the material on "Extended and Intergenerational Family Activities." Ask family members what extended and intergenerational family traditions they enjoy or would like to establish.

Discuss how renewing activities-such as having fun together, learning together, worshiping together, working together, and serving together-meet the basic needs to live, to love, to learn, to leave a legacy, and to laugh.

How Do You Nurture the Spirit of Family Renewal?

Discuss the stories in this chapter. Ask family members: Are we taking the time to "sharpen the saw"? What can we do as a family to better practice the spirit of renewal?

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH CHILDREN.

Give each child paper and a pencil with a broken lead. Ask him or her to draw a picture of the family. It won't work. Ask the child to press a little harder. It still won't work. Ask: What needs to happen? The child will respond that the pencil needs to be sharpened. Now share the story of the woodcutter and see what other things he or she can think of that need to be constantly maintained and renewed in order to work. Ask What would happen if we forgot to buy gas? To have the brakes checked on the car? To buy groceries? To celebrate Mother's Day, someone's birthday, or some other event important to a family member? What can we do to ensure that we always sharpen the family saw?

Exercise with your children. Play sports with them. Go for regular walks together. Sign up with them for swimming, golf or some other lesson or activity. Continually remind one another of the importance of exercise and good health.

Teach your children what you want them to know! Teach them the importance of working, reading, studying, completing homework. Don't assume that someone else will teach them life's most important lessons.

Attend age-appropriate cultural events together, such as plays, dance recitals, concerts, and choir performances. Encourage your children to participate in activities that will help them develop their talents.

Sign up to learn some new skill together with your child, such as sewing, woodworking, pie-making, or word processing.

Involve your children in planning your family vacations.

Together, decide on ways to make family birthdays extra special.

Talk about what makes holidays special for your children.

Involve your children in your spiritual life. Let them accompany you to your place of worship. Share any special feelings you have about a higher power. Worship together. Read together. Pray together, if that is part of your belief.

Become involved with your children in weekly family service projects.

Schedule on your calendar fun times together such as going to ball games, hiking in the mountains, playing on the swings in the park, playing miniature golf, or going to the ice cream store.

Involve the children in making dinnertime more special. Have them take turns setting and decorating the table, choosing the dessert, and maybe even selecting a conversation topic. Be consistent in gathering your family around the dinner table to enjoy a meal together.

FROM SURVIVAL . . . TO STABILITY . . . TO SUCCESS . . . TO SIGNIFICANCE.

I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: The only ones among you who will really be happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.