"One of the things I like about Stephen is that he's not only a good athlete but he's happy when he helps other people become good athletes. He's always willing to spend the time to show you how to improve or teach you some fundamental."

Colleen (daughter): To tell you the truth, that was one bummer about getting married. I woke up on my first birthday after I was married, and there were no balloons. The house wasn't even decorated! There were no birthday posters. I told my husband I missed my mom's decorations, so the next year-and every year since-he's gone all out to make my birthday nice.

I've even known of extended family members who have gone out of their way to make sure that birthdays are recognized and celebrated.

Two single sisters shared this experience: Our nieces and nephews (three, five, eleven, and fourteen) all love our birthday traditions. On the Saturday morning of their birthday week, we pick them up to go shopping. No parents, no siblings-just the birthday child and us. They receive the same amount of money to spend and get to choose where to shop. They can take as short or as long an amount of time as they like. Then we go out to lunch to a grown-up restaurant-not McDonald's or fast food but a real restaurant! They order whatever they want, and they even get a dessert.

We've often been surprised at the careful way they make their decisions concerning what to buy and what to order. They show amazing maturity and take it all very seriously-even the three-year-old. Last year she picked out four outfits, then said, "Only two. Only need two." We hadn't said a word to her about limiting herself. And it was hard for her to decide, but she did it.

We've been doing this for thirteen years now. Our nieces and nephews start talking about it weeks before their birthday. They call it their "Aunt Toni and Aunt Barbie Day." And they love it almost as much as we do!

To celebrate a birthday is to celebrate the person. It's a wonderful opportunity to express love and affirmation and make huge deposits into the Emotional Bank Account.

Holidays

A single woman in her thirties shared this experience: I recently bought my own home with the idea of having my entire family come over for Thanksgiving. I bought a ten-seat table and ten chairs to go around it. Now everyone who comes over says, "You're single. Why do you need this table?" And I tell them, "You don't know what this table represents. It represents our whole family being together. My mom can't cook anymore. My brother is divorced. My sister can't do it at her house. But being together like this is so important to me. I want to do it here."

Probably more than almost anything else, people remember and love family traditions around important holidays. They often come together from long distances and long separations. There's food. There's fun. There's laughter. There's sharing. And often there's a unifying theme or purpose.

There are many different traditions around each of the holidays. There are Thanksgiving turkeys, New Year's Day football games, and Easter egg hunts. There's Christmas caroling, talent sharing, and going to parades. There are traditions around the kind of food that's served, traditions that come from particular countries or cultures, traditions that have been passed down through the generations, and new traditions that are developed when people marry. And all of these things give a sense of stability and identity to the family.

The point is that holidays provide an ideal time to build traditions. They happen every year. It's easy to create a sense of anticipation and fun as well as meaning and camaraderie around them.

In our own family we've developed some fairly unique traditions around holidays.

Catherine (daughter): I remember doing a special Valentine's Day tradition with my dad every year. We would make valentines and attach long strings to them. Then we'd go and put them on people's porches, ring the doorbell, and run and hide behind the bushes or around the corner of the house.

When people opened the door, they would be thrilled to receive a valentine. But when they bent down to pick it up, we would jerk it a few inches away. They would stumble a little. They would look at it in astonishment and try again. We'd pull the string a little farther. Finally, they would grab it, and we would come out laughing.

After a while the people in our neighborhood caught on. The first time the valentine moved, they'd say, "Oh, that's Steve Covey. What's he up to now?" But they looked forward to it. And I always loved it. We had so much fun!

Dad also has the tradition of sending flowers and chocolates to all his daughters on Valentine's Day-even now that we're married. And it's the greatest because we get these beautiful roses on Valentine's Day. We sometimes think they're from our husbands, but they're from Dad. It makes us feel special because we have two expressions of love. We get two bunches of flowers, and it's really fun to try to guess who they're from and what Dad will send this year.

This tradition started when I was very young. I remember getting chocolates from Dad on Valentine's Day when I was about ten years old and how special it made me feel. It was my own box of chocolates that no one else could touch.

Dad also sends us flowers on Mother's Day.

David (son): Mom was well known among my friends for her involvement in Saint Patrick's Day each March. She would dress up in her green leprechaun outfit and appear uninvited in each of her children's classrooms. She would engage the whole class in singing Irish songs and telling stories with an Irish lilt in her voice. Then each child was given a shamrock cookie, and she would pinch the boys and girls who weren't wearing green. This tradition has continued into the next generation, and the grandchildren have increased self-esteem because they know that their Mere Mere knows who they are and makes an effort to be part of their lives.

Jenny (daughter): The Covey house was a "must do" on everyone's list at Halloween. Mom and Dad would invite the trick-or-treaters into the house to sit down, visit, get warm, and have hot cider and doughnuts. But first they would have to perform some sort of talent-sing, dance, rap, recite a poem. Even college students at the local university heard about it and came for a warm drink.

One particular year a bunch of junior high school boys whom my mom described as "hoodlums" came trick-or-treating. They almost died when they learned they would have to perform a talent. Wanting the cider and doughnuts, though, they forced themselves to do something. The next year the same group of "hoodlums" came-this time prepared and excited about performing a song they had memorized and rehearsed in advance, with hand gestures included.

In the fall of 1996, after living in our home for thirty years, we moved to a new house. Our new neighbors all told us we would get only about 30 trick-or-treaters because we were too far off the beaten track. But we knew better. Mom served about 175-most of them former neighborhood kids, new high school friends, families, newly-marrieds, and lots of university students. They all came to perform, visit, drink hot cider, and eat doughnuts. By this time all the older kids' friends were married, but they still came with their little children to trick-or-treat at our house. It was tradition.

Because holidays come every year, they continually bring opportunity to enjoy traditions and renew the sense of fun, camaraderie, and meaning we feel around them. Holidays seem to provide the ideal natural and ongoing opportunity for being together and renewing family ties.

Extended and Intergenerational Family Activities

As you've probably noticed from the stories throughout this book, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and other extended family members can have a tremendous positive influence on the family. Many activities lend themselves to larger family involvement, especially major holiday celebrations such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Hanukkah. But almost any family activity can be broadened to include extended family members.

Sense the excitement of these grandparents in organizing special family times: One of our favorite traditions is our monthly "family time" with the extended family. Once a month we invite our married children and grandchildren to join us and our children still at home for a potluck dinner and evening together. Everyone brings a part of the meal, and we enjoy eating and catching up on what's happening in everyone's life. Then we clean up and sit together in the family room. We arrange the chairs in a circle and bring out a big basket of toys for the little ones to play with in the middle while we talk. Someone usually shares a talent. Often we'll discuss some aspect of our family mission statement or something else that's important. When the little ones get tired, everyone goes home. It's a great time to be together and renew relationships.

A couple in their seventies shared this: We have a tradition of having Sunday dinners at which our daughter (our only child), her husband, and their children still living at home are always guests. Each week we also invite one of the four married grandchildren and their family-the first week of the month, the oldest; the second week, the next; and so on. In this way we are able to talk with each family-to find out how their lives are changing, what their plans and goals are, and how we might be able to help with those plans.

The desire to create this tradition came about thirty years ago when our daughter married and moved thirteen hundred miles away. For a long time our communication was limited to phone conversations and visits a couple of times a year. We often thought how nice it would be if we could have her and her family over to dinner and be of help, particularly when there was illness in the family.

So in our retirement years we moved closer so that we could do just that. Our Sunday dinners have been a tradition for thirteen years now. It brings us enjoyment to be able to serve, to learn about our grandchildren, to see their growth, and to be part of an extended family.

Notice how these families have taken normal family activities-family times and Sunday dinners-and expanded them to include members of their extended and intergenerational families. And think of the memories and the relationships this is building!

Extended and intergenerational family members can be involved in almost everything you do. Over the years, Sandra and I have made it a point to go to our children's programs, recitals, and sporting events-or whatever individual family members were involved in. We've tried to provide a support system from the family to show that we care and that each person in the family is appreciated and loved. We always have an open invitation for anyone in the extended and intergenerational family who can to come to such activities. And Sandra and I often attend the activities that involve our brothers and sisters and their families as well.

Colleen (daughter): I remember one time in high school, I was in a play-Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I had a small part-"proud-to-be-crowd," I'd call it. But on opening night my brothers, sisters, in-laws, nieces, nephews, aunts, and uncles as well as my parents were in the audience. They filled up three rows! The girl who played the lead looked out and said, "I can't believe this! I'm the lead, and the only one here to see me is my mom. But you have this dinky little part, and your family takes up half the audience!" That extended family support made me feel very important.

We find that with these kinds of intergenerational activities, siblings and cousins usually end up the best of friends. We feel a great sense of strength in and appreciation for the members of our extended and intergenerational families. We firmly believe they go a long way toward reweaving the safety net that's become unraveled in society.

Sean (son): One of the things I appreciate most about our family is this huge intergenerational support network. My kids are growing up very close to their cousins. A lot of them are the same age, and they're close. They're the best of friends. And I think this is going to make a tremendous difference when they're teenagers. They'll have this huge network of support. And if someone starts having problems, there will probably be too much support to ever let anyone go off the deep end.

Learning Together

There are so many opportunities to learn and do things together as a family! And this can be tremendously renewing in all dimensions.

One tradition that developed when our family went on trips together was singing in the car. That's the way most of the kids learned the folk songs of America, the campfire songs, patriotic songs (even the verses to The Star-Spangled Banner), Christmas carols, and hit tunes from Broadway musicals. When you think about it, the younger children really need someone to take the time to teach them the words and music to the old familiar songs we all seem to know. Otherwise, how can they join in?

Another way to learn together is to share in a family member's particular hobby or interest. Get involved in it. Learn about it. Read books. Join associations. Subscribe to magazines. Soak it up. Make it a focus. Talk about it together.

Learning together is socially and mentally renewing. It gives you a shared interest, something fun to talk about. There's joy in discovering and learning together. It can also be physically renewing when you learn a new sport or a new physical skill, and it can be spiritually renewing when you learn more about the principles that govern in all of life.

Learning together can be a wonderful tradition and one of the greatest joys of family life. It also affirms that when you raise your children you are also raising your grandchildren.

Sean (son): Our parents took us everywhere. We went with them on trips. Dad took us with him on speaking engagements. We were always exposed to a lot of good things. And I feel this was a real advantage for me. My comfort zone in situations is really high because I've experienced a lot. I've been camping. I've been in the outdoors. I've been on survival treks. I've been in the water-swimming and waterskiing. I've tried every sport at least a few times.

And I consciously try to do that with my kids. If I'm going to a baseball game, I take them. If I'm going to the mall to pick up something, I take them. If I'm going outside to try to build something in the yard, I take them. I'm trying to expose them to a lot of different things in life.

Another vitally important learning tradition is reading. Families can read together. In addition, children need to read on their own-and to see their parents read as well.

A few years ago I was shocked when my son Joshua asked if I ever read. I realized that he had never seen me read. Almost always I read when I am alone. In fact, I cover the equivalent of three or four books every week. But when I am with my family, I am fully with them, and I don't read.

I have recently read some research which indicates that the number one reason children don't read is that they don't see their fathers read.3 I think this is one of the mistakes I have made over the years. I wish that I'd kept my study more open so that my children would have seen me reading more often. And I wish I'd been more conscientious about sharing what I was learning and what excited me.

Sandra: One learning tradition we developed in our family was that every two weeks I would pile all the kids into the car and we'd go to the public library. Each person was able to get twelve books that could be taken out for two weeks. Each got to choose the books he or she wanted and was interested in.

My main task was to make sure that the books didn't get mutilated, destroyed, or disappear during this two-week period. I remember my fear as we tried to gather them all up for the day of deliverance.

Learning together as a family is more than a tradition, it's a vital need. It is true in today's world that "unless you run faster, you will get farther behind" because the pace of life and the growth of technology are incredible. Many products are obsolete the day they appear on the market. The half-life of many professions is only three to four years. That's startling. It's scary. That's why it's so important for there to be a family tradition and culture that focuses on continual learning.

Worshiping Together

One father shared this: When I was growing up, it was very important to my parents that we all worship together. At the time I didn't think it was important. I didn't understand why they thought it was important. But they did, so we all went to church together and sat together. And I have to admit as young boys we were bored together most of the time.

But as I got older, I began to notice that we were more aligned as a family than was the case with a lot of my friends. We had common values and goals. We relied on one another to solve problems and find answers. We knew what we believed, what we all believed. We were together. And "worship" wasn't just a matter of once a week in our home. Religion and worship were treated almost as an educational process. We had lessons-formal and informal-where our parents would teach us about what was right and wrong. They would listen as we disagreed, then help us figure things out and find our own answers. But they taught us about values and faith.

In addition, we had little family traditions. For example, we prayed together every evening. It was sometimes grueling to listen to my brothers go on and on. But as I got older I realized how much I learned as I listened to them. I learned what was important to them, what they needed and wanted, what they were afraid of or concerned about. Now that I think about it, I realize that it really drew us all together.

We also prayed and fasted in times of emergency. I remember when my grandma was in the hospital with cancer. A call went out to our entire family-aunts, uncles, and cousins. We all gathered in family prayer and fasted together for her. It gave us strength to be together. And when she passed away, it was wonderful to have everyone near. The unity was overwhelming. And although there were tears and sadness, it was a lovely, strengthening, bonding funeral. I came away from it with a special understanding and appreciation for the full circle of life, from birth to death. And I think the fact that we all share common beliefs made things much more meaningful to us.

Notice how worshiping brought this family together spiritually, mentally, and socially.

George Gallup reports that 95 percent of Americans believe in some form of supreme being or higher power, and that more than ever before, people are feeling the need to reach beyond self-help to find spiritual help.4 Research also clearly shows that worshiping together is one of the major characteristics of healthy, happy families. It can create context, unity, and shared understanding-much in the same way that a family mission statement does.

In addition, studies have shown that religious involvement is a significant factor in mental and emotional health and stability, particularly when individuals are internally motivated. When they are extrinsically motivated-by public approval or conformity, for example-the religious context is not always benevolent. In fact, it sometimes nurtures a culture that is extremely strict and sets unrealistically high expectations, causing people who are emotionally vulnerable to experience even more emotional problems.5 But when the environment is focused on growth based on moral principles rather than on an outward perfectionism that reinforces rule-bound rigidity, people experience greater health. The culture allows for honest recognition of moral imperfections and acceptance of self, even as it encourages acceptance of and living in harmony with the principles that govern in all of life.

C. S. Lewis related his own convictions in squaring his private and public selves in this way: When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to mind is that the provocation was so sudden or unexpected; I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself. . . . Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is. Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth. If there are rats in the cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man: it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. . . . Now that cellar is out of reach of my conscious will. . . . I cannot, by direct moral effort, give myself new motives. After the first few steps . . . we realize that everything which really needs to be done in our souls can be done only by God.6 In our own family, we have found great strength in worshiping together. Through the years we've placed a high priority on attending our church services together and supporting one another in working and serving in the church and community. We've found that this unites us as a family and also gives us opportunities to work together for something higher than self.

We've also tried to hold our own daily devotionals in our home. We try to have some time together for a few minutes each morning to begin our day with a feeling of togetherness and inspiration.

Stephen (son): As I was growing up, we always had family devotionals in the morning. It was a pattern. Whether we were little kids or high school students, we always got up at 6:00. We'd read together, talk about needs and plans for the day, and have a family prayer. We'd have our blankets and lie down on the couches. There were times that some of us would sleep right through it-until it was our turn to read. It may not have been as effective as it could have been, but we made the effort. And a lot of it sunk in. I think we all learned a lot more than we thought we did.

This tradition, including the daily reading of scriptures and other "wisdom literature," has been a tremendously renewing tradition for our family. This is something any family can do. Depending on your belief, "wisdom literature" could be anything that connects you with timeless principles. It could be the Bible, the Koran, the Talmud, Native American Wisdom, or the Bhagavad-Gita. It could be James Allen's As a Man Thinketh, Thoreau's Walden, or modern collections such as William Bennett's Book of Virtues or Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen's Chicken Soup for the Soul. It could be inspiring autobiographies or anthologies, insightful essays, or uplifting stories-whatever addresses the principles and values you believe in.7 The point is that if you organize your family life to spend even ten or fifteen minutes a morning reading something that connects you with these timeless principles, it's almost guaranteed that you will make better choices during the day-in the family, on the job, in every dimension of life. Your thoughts will be higher. Your interactions will be more satisfying. You will have a greater perspective. You will increase that space between what happens to you and your response to it. You will be more connected to what really matters most.

You will also be more connected to your family. This can be a great time to get in touch with the needs of each person for that day-whether someone is taking a test or has an important assignment to get or a presentation to give. It enables you to start your day renewing the relationships that matter most.

Daily devotionals can provide tremendous spiritual, social, and mental renewal. And if you want to add the physical dimension, you can always do a few sit-ups, go for a walk, or take up tai chi. Whatever you choose to include, you'll find that mornings are a great time for family renewal. It's an incredibly wonderful way to start your day.

Working Together

One man shared this: One of my most vivid memories of growing up was working beside my father in our garden. When he first suggested the idea, my brother and I were excited. At that time we didn't realize that it would translate into spending hours in the backyard in the hot sun, shovel in hand, digging and getting blisters and doing a lot of other things you don't necessarily associate with fun.

And the work was hard. But my dad worked right alongside us. He took the time to teach and educate us so that we could see the vision of what an ideal garden would look like. And this provided a great learning experience-from the first time we dug those holes and wondered what in the world we were doing, to four or five years later when I was able to walk out there as a teenager and find great joy and satisfaction in the fruits of our labors.

I remember the buy-in that came when I was twelve or thirteen. Suddenly it became a source of great joy to pick bushels of beautiful fruit-peaches and apples and pears-and to have corn growing in the backyard that rivaled the best corn you've ever tasted and tomato plants that grew to look like trees because of the holes we carefully dug and prepared for them. I remember how after that-even when I was extremely busy as a teenager-I always wanted to find time to make sure our garden was in order, that our trees were pruned and sprayed and taken care of.

I think that one of the greatest learning experiences I had during those years was in seeing what our family could accomplish together. Walking down those garden rows and knowing that we had done this was a source of incredible satisfaction.

And now I find that that experience helps me in almost every task I have before me. Whenever I become involved in a project where I need to have someone buy into the end result and the vision, I think back on that experience and how my father helped me realize what it would do to our family and our relationships as a family. I can translate that now to a project here in the office and say, "Okay, we have this task at hand. We need to accomplish this. What's the end in mind?"

When I need to create order in my life, I think back to that row of beautiful green pepper plants. I remember how I thought it was a joke when we bought them in the little plastic canisters. I said, "How are we going to get them to grow?" But weeks later I saw those full plants with leaves that looked like silk because they were so healthy. And I know I can do it.

I think often, too, about my dad's example in all of this. He got such joy out of doing it. I think he also got joy from seeing me have joy in doing it and in seeing the results of our hard work and God's help and the wonders of nature and natural law.

Notice how this tradition of working together in the garden renewed this boy and his family. It renewed them socially by giving them the opportunity to work together. Can you imagine the wonderful teaching moments this would create? Look at how it renewed them physically as they worked together out in the hot sun. Think about the mental renewal involved as this boy learned about nurturing growing things. Think about the way this knowledge helped him even in his business career as an adult. This is because he learned in that garden some of the natural laws that govern in every dimension in life, and he was able to apply those laws or principles years later in a completely different situation. So it was spiritual renewal as well. He was close to nature and close to natural law.

Notice, too, what you can read between the lines about this father's attitude about working with his children. Another father has said: I think it's very easy for anyone who works for a living to become task oriented. I know it is for me. So when I'm working with my children, I tend to become very directive and demanding.

I've come to realize, though, that the objectives are different when you work with children. The work you're doing is the work of nurturing character and future capacity. And when you keep that end in mind, you don't get frustrated. You have peace and joy in doing it.

It's like the story one man told of a time when he decided to buy some cows to help his boys learn responsibility. A neighbor-a farmer of many years-came up to him one day and began criticizing some of the things the boys were doing. The man smiled and said, "Thank you for your concern. But you don't understand. I'm not raising cows; I'm raising boys."

That thought has helped me through many teaching moments in working with my children.

It used to be that families had to work together in order to survive, so work was something that kept families close. But in today's society "work" often pulls families apart. You have parents going "off to work" in different directions-all of them away from home. You have children who don't really need to work economically but are growing up in a social environment that views work as a curse rather than as a blessing.

So creating the tradition of working together today is really a matter of inside out. But there are many ways to do it and many benefits of doing it. As we've already observed, having a family garden is a great "working together" tradition- one in which you can really enjoy the fruits of your labors. Many families do their regular household chores together on Saturdays. Some parents involve older children in summer work in their profession.

Catherine (daughter): One tradition we had in our family was the "ten-minute program." Whenever we'd have a big party and there was a total mess-even sometimes when we'd just have the normal mess we created during the hours after school-Dad would stand up and say, "Okay, let's have the ten-minute program before we go to bed." That meant that every person in the family would work really hard for ten minutes to clean up the place. We all knew that if we had eighteen hands working in the kitchen, it would go a lot faster than two. So we knew it wasn't going to be an hourlong process, and that made it nice.

We also had what we called "work parties." That may seem like a contradiction in terms, but that's what they were. We'd work really hard for three or four hours to get something done, but we'd have food and we'd laugh and talk as we worked. We'd also do something fun afterward-like go to a movie-and we'd look forward to that. Everyone expected they'd have to work. It was just part of life. But it made it so much better by adding these little treats at the end or doing something that made it seem like fun.