He said, "Not at all, Dad."

So I shared with him what we were feeling. He wasn't offended because I was describing us, not him. "This is what's concerning us. This is what we feel. This is our perception." I wasn't saying, "You are so selfish. You are offending the entire family."

As well as sharing our concerns, I also shared our perception of his true nature. And the immediate response was so positive! He said, "Oh, yeah, Dad, I can see that. I guess I've just really been into myself, and that's not right." And he acknowledged this to his mother and to other family members, and he began a process of what you might call "going the second mile."

Carl Rogers-one of the truly great and insightful researchers and writers on the subject of communication-created a "congruency" model that teaches the importance of both self-awareness and courage to express that awareness in communicating with others. He taught that when people are not aware of what they are feeling inside, they are "incongruent" within. They then have a tendency to intellectualize, compartmentalize, or unknowingly project their own motives on another. This internal incongruency is sensed by others and contributes to an inauthentic communication that is superficial and boring-like small talk at parties.

But he also taught that when people are internally congruent-that is, they're aware of what they're feeling-but they deny it and try to act or express themselves otherwise, this external incongruency is usually called insincerity, posturing, or even hypocrisy.

Both forms of incongruency undermine the ability to listen fully to another, and that's why a great deal of interior work must be done-both to grow in self-awareness and to have the courage to authentically express what you are feeling and thinking inside through authentic "I" messages rather than judgment messages.

We simply must care enough to confront other people. Often the key to developing strong and deep relationships with people is to level with them, to speak the truth in love-to not give in to them but to not give up on them, either. This takes time and patience, but it also takes tremendous courage and the skill of knowing when and how to give "I" messages with respect and tact-sometimes even with forcefulness and sharpness. There are times when really loving people means giving them a shock treatment-shocking them into an awareness of what they're doing-and then showing more love than ever afterward so they know you really care.

As I think about students I've taught over the years, the ones with whom I've had the deepest continuing relationships and who have expressed the deepest appreciation to me are usually those with whom I really "leveled" at an appropriate time and place. I was even able to help them understand their blind spots and the ultimate consequences of those blind spots, and to help them work through the process of getting on a growth track.

Joshua (son): One nice thing about having older brothers or sisters is the feedback they give you.

When I come home from a high school basketball or football game, Mom and Dad will meet me at the door and go over all the key plays that I made. Mom will rave about the talent I have, and Dad will say it was my leadership skills that directed the team to victory.

When Jenny comes in the kitchen to join us, I'll ask her how I did. She'll tell me how ordinary I played, and I'd better get my act together if I want to keep my starting position, and she hopes I'll play better the next game and not embarrass her.

Now that's feedback!

Whenever you give feedback, always remember that the relationship-the level of trust in the Emotional Bank Account-determines the level of communication you will have. Remember, too, that "I" messages build that account. They are affirming, especially when you couch constructive feedback in the best "I" message of all: "I love you. I believe you are a person of infinite worth. I know this behavior is just a tiny part of all that you are. And all that you are, I love!"

Without question, those three magic words, "I love you," are the most sought-after message of all. I remember arriving home one evening after a full day of travel that included covering hundreds of miles on an airplane, navigating through crowded airports, and driving home through the traffic. I was literally exhausted.

When I went into the house, I was met by my son who had spent almost all day cleaning up a workroom. The project had involved tremendous effort-carrying things, cleaning out things, throwing away the "junk." He was only a little boy but old enough to have judgment on which things to keep and which to throw out based on the guidelines I had given him.

As soon as I came into the room to look at it, my first observation was negative: "Why didn't you do this? Why didn't you do that?" I even forget now what it was he didn't do. But what I do remember-and will never forget-was watching the light go out of his eyes. He had been so excited, so thrilled with what he had done-and so anxious for my favorable approval. He had lived on the energy of that positive expectation for hours as he did this work. And now my first observation was negative.

When I saw the light go out of his eyes, I knew immediately that I had made a mistake. I tried to apologize. I tried to explain. I tried to focus on the good things he had done and to express my love and appreciation for it all, but the light never came back that entire evening.

It wasn't until several days later in talking more fully about the experience and processing it that his feelings came out. This taught me forcibly that when people have done their best, whether it meets your standards or not is irrelevant. That is the time to give them appreciation and praise. When someone has completed a major task or project, or has accomplished something that required supreme effort, always express admiration, appreciation, and praise. Never give negative feedback-even though it may be deserved and even though you do it in a constructive way and with good motives in order to help the person do better. Give the constructive feedback at a later time when the person is ready for it.

But at the time, praise the effort. Praise the heart that went into it. Praise the worth of the person, the personal identity that was transmitted into the project or work. You're not compromising your integrity when you take such an encouraging, appreciating, affirming approach. You're simply focusing on that which is more important than some nervous definition of excellence.

Nurturing a Habit 5 Culture

As in every other habit, the real fruits of Habit 5 are not just in the momentary "aha!" that comes when you have a one-time glimpse of real understanding of another person. They're in the habit-in the cumulative effect of constantly seeking to understand and to be understood in the day-to-day interactions of family life. And there are several ways you can develop this kind of Habit 5 culture in the home.

One woman shared this experience: Several years ago we had two teenage boys who often got into squabbles. When we learned about Habit 5, we decided that this might be the key to greater peace in our home.

During one of our weekly family times, we introduced the idea to the boys. We taught them the process of empathic listening. We role-played situations where two people disagreed, and we showed them how one person could let go of judgment or trying to make a point and simply seek to understand. Then when that person felt totally understood, the other person could do the same. We told the boys that if they got into any squabble during the week, we were going to put them in a room together and they couldn't come out until they were both convinced that they were understood.

When the first squabble came up, I put them in a room where they could be alone. I sat them down on two chairs and said, "Okay, Andrew, you tell David exactly how you feel." He started to talk, but before he could get out two sentences, David interrupted by saying, "Hey, that's not how it happened!"

I said, "Wait a minute! It's not your turn yet. Your job is simply to understand what Andrew is saying and be able to explain his position to his satisfaction."

David rolled his eyes. We tried again.

About five sentences later, David jumped out of his chair. "That's not right!" he yelled. "You were the one who-"

"David!" I said. "Sit down. Your turn will come. But not before you can explain to me what Andrew is saying and he is satisfied that you really understand. You might as well sit down and try to listen. You don't have to agree with Andrew; you just have to explain his view of this to his satisfaction. You can't tell your side of this issue until you can completely explain his."

David sat down. For a few more minutes he made noises of disgust at some of the things Andrew said. But when he realized that he really wasn't going anywhere until he could do this, he settled down and tried to understand.

Each time he thought he understood, I asked him to repeat back to Andrew what Andrew had just said. "Is that right, Andrew? Is that what you said?"

And each time Andrew said either "That's right!" or "No. David doesn't understand what I was trying to say," and we'd try again. Finally we reached the point where David was able to explain how Andrew felt to Andrew's satisfaction.

Then it was David's turn. It was almost funny to see how, when he tried to return to his own point of view, his feelings had actually changed. He did see some things differently, but much of the wind had been taken out of his sails when he realized how Andrew saw the situation. And feeling genuinely understood, Andrew was much more willing to listen to David's point of view. So the boys were able to talk without getting into blaming and accusing. And once all the feelings were out, they found it relatively easy to come up with a solution they both felt good about.

That first experience took about forty-five minutes of their time and mine. But it was worth it! The next time it happened, they knew what we were going to do. As we kept working at it over the years, we found it often wasn't easy. Sometimes there were intense feelings and deep issues involved. There were even times when they would start to get into an argument and suddenly stop, realizing they would rather be free to be with their friends than spend half an hour in a room together working things out. But the more they did it, the better they got.

One of my best moments as a parent came several years after they had both left home. One had been in another state and one in another country, and they hadn't seen each other in several years. They came to our home to go through some things that had been left to them by their great-grandfather. Their camaraderie was wonderful. They laughed and joked together, and enjoyed each other immensely. And when the time came to decide who got what, they were extremely solicitous of each other. "You could use this-you take it." "I know you would like to have this. You take it."

It was easy to see they had a win-win attitude, and it grew out of a deep understanding of each other. I am convinced that seeking to understand each other as they were growing up made a big difference.

Notice how this woman patiently used family time to teach the principles of empathic listening in her home. Notice how she followed through in helping them integrate the principles into their daily lives, and notice the fruits of such efforts years later.

In our own family we have found this one simple ground rule to be very powerful in creating legitimacy for empathic listening in the culture: Whenever there is a difference or disagreement, people can't make their own point until they restate the other person's point to that person's satisfaction. This is amazingly powerful. It might be prefaced with words to this effect, particularly if you sense that people have already made up their minds and are basically just going to fight each other: "We are going to be talking about important things that people have strong feelings about. To help us in this communication, why don't we agree to this simple little ground rule"-and then state the rule. Initially, this approach may seem to slow things down, but in the long run it saves tenfold on time, nerves, and relationships.

We've also tried to organize so that all family members know they will get "their day in court" in one-on-ones or in family meetings. Regarding family meetings, we developed a process of problem-solving in which the person who had the concern or the problem would take the responsibility to lead the family through that meeting on the problem itself. We posted a sheet of paper on the refrigerator, and anyone who wanted to talk about any issue, problem, hope, or plan would simply write the issue and his or her name on the paper. This paper helped us develop the content for the family council discussion. And each person who put an item on the agenda was responsible to take us all through the process of solving the problem or doing whatever it involved.

We found that when the culture basically rewards those who speak up first and those who take action first, then other people feel their day in court never comes. Feelings gradually begin to go inside, where they remain bottled up and unexpressed. And those unexpressed feelings never die. They are buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways-in overreactive comments, in anger, in violent verbal or physical expressions, in psychosomatic illnesses, in giving people the silent treatment, in extreme statements or judgments, or in simply acting out in other dysfunctional and hurtful ways.

But when people know they will have their day in court-that is, they will have an opportunity to be fully heard and to process others' reactions to what they say-they can relax. They don't have to become impatient and overreactive because they know that their time to be heard and understood will come. This dissipates negative energy and helps people develop internal patience and self-control.

This is one of the great strengths of Habit 5. And if you can cultivate a family culture where Habit 5 is central to the whole way of dealing with things, then everyone will feel that his or her day in court will come. And this eliminates many of the foolish, impulsive reactions people get into when they feel they will not be heard.

We have to admit, though, that even with all our effort to ensure that everyone in the family is heard, some have had to be really proactive to make it happen.

Jenny (daughter): Growing up in a family of nine kids sometimes made it difficult for me to get the attention I wanted. There was always so much going on at our home, and everyone was constantly talking or doing something. So in order for me to get attention, I would motion to Dad or Mom to come over, and I would whisper whatever I had to say. I made sure that I whispered soft enough that they would have to give me their full attention and make everyone else be quiet. It worked.

Making sure you are heard-and understood-is what the second half of Habit 5 is all about.

Understanding Developmental Stages

Another way you can practice Habit 5 in the home is to seek to understand the way your children see the world by becoming aware of their "ages and stages."

Growth is based on universal principles. A child learns to turn over, to sit, to crawl, then to walk and run. Each step is important. No step can be skipped. Of necessity, some things must come ahead of other things.

As surely as this is true in the area of physical things, it is also true in the areas of emotions and human relations. But while things in the physical area are seen and constant evidence is supplied, things in the other areas are largely unseen and evidence is not as direct or as plain. It is tremendously important, therefore, that we understand not only the physical but also the mental, emotional, and spiritual stages of development, and that we never attempt to shortcut, violate, or bypass the process.

If we do not make a sincere effort to understand our children's development and to communicate with them on their level of awareness, we often find ourselves making unreasonable expectations of them and being frustrated when we can't seem to get through.

I remember one afternoon I found myself criticizing our young son for throwing all his clothes in a heap on the floor of his room. I said, "Don't you realize you shouldn't do this? Don't you understand what will happen, how your clothes will get dirty and wrinkled like this?"

This son didn't resist me. He didn't rebel. He agreed. I even sensed he wanted to do as I asked. But still, day in and day out, he threw his clothes on the floor.

Finally, one day I thought, Maybe he simply doesn't know how to hang up his clothes. He's just a little kid. So I took half an hour to train him in hanging up his clothes. We practiced how to take his Sunday suit pants by the cuffs, hang them over the bottom wire of the hanger, and then put the hanger on the lower bar of the closet. We practiced how to button up the front of his shirt, turn it over, fold one third of each side toward the center, fold the sleeves in, and lay the shirt in his drawer.

He really enjoyed the training. In fact, when we were through, we even took all his clothes out of his closet and hung them back up again, we were having so much fun. There was a good feeling between us, and he learned. He was able to do the job well.

As I discovered with this son, the problem was not that he didn't recognize the importance of hanging up his clothes. It wasn't even that he didn't want to hang up his clothes. It was simply that he didn't have the competency; he didn't know how to do it.

Years later, as a teenager, this son had the same problem again. But the nature of the problem at that point wasn't competence, it was motivation. And it took a motivational solution to solve it.

The first key in solving any training problem is to diagnose it correctly. You wouldn't bring in a cardiologist if you had a foot problem. You wouldn't bring in a plumber if the roof leaked. Neither can you solve a competency problem with a value or motivational solution-or vice versa.

When we want a child to perform a task in our family, I've found it helpful to always ask three questions: Should the child do it? (a value question) Can the child do it? (a competency question) Does the child want to do it? (a motivation question) Based on the response, we know where to direct our effort effectively. If it's a value question, the solution usually lies in building the Emotional Bank Account and educating. If it's a competency question, the answer generally lies in training. There's a difference between education and training. Education means "to draw forth"-in this case, to provide a deep and proper explanation that tends to draw forth the sense of "this is what I should do." Training means "to put in"-in this case, to put into the child the knowledge of how to do the task. Both educating and training are important, and which you would use depends on the nature of the problem. If the value question is one of competing "shoulds"-"Should I do my chores or party with my friends?"-then the key is in the quality of the relationship and the character and culture of the family.

If it's a question of motivation, the answer generally lies in reinforcing the desired behavior either extrinsically or intrinsically, or in combination. You could provide extrinsic rewards (such as an allowance or recognition or some privilege or "perk") or you could stress the intrinsic rewards (the inner peace and satisfaction that comes when people do things because they're the right thing to do, when they listen to and obey their conscience). Or you could do both. To determine the nature of the problem is a Habit 5 (Seek first to understand, then to be understood) issue.

Over the years Sandra has brought unbelievable enlightenment and intuitive wisdom to our family in the area of understanding the developmental stages of our children. She graduated from college with a degree in child development and has both studied and practiced it all her adult life. As a result, she has gained tremendous insights into the importance of listening to your heart and to the natural developmental stages children go through.4 Sandra: I was in a grocery store the other day and saw a young mother struggling with her two-year-old. She quietly tried to comfort, console, and reason with him, but he was completely out of control-shaking, screaming, sobbing, and holding his breath until he broke into a temper tantrum, to the distress of his embarrassed, desperate mother.

As a mother, my heart reached out to her as she tried to come to grips with the situation. I wanted to tell her all the rational thoughts that raced through my mind in rapid succession: Don't take it personally. Act in a matter-of-fact way. Don't reward this kind of behavior. Don't let this child get any mileage out of this episode. Remind yourself that two-year-olds aren't yet emotionally able to handle complex emotions (exhaustion, temper, stress), and so they blow a fuse and break the circuit with a tantrum.

After you've gone through it a few times, you start to recognize that a child behaves the way he does partly because he's at a certain stage of growth. Development occurs one step at a time, in a kind of predictable sequence. We often hear phrases such as "the terrible twos," "the trusting threes," "the frustrating fours," and "the fascinating fives" used to describe phases of behavior-often predicting hard times during the even years and hoping for smoother sailing during the odd years.

Each child is an individual and different from all others, yet all seem to follow a similar path. Solitary play will gradually evolve into parallel play. These little people, side by side with separate toys and different dialogues, will eventually be able to interact with one another in cooperative play as they grow and mature. Similarly, a child needs to feel ownership and must possess before he can share, crawl before he can walk, understand before he can talk. It's important for us to be aware of this process-to notice, read about, and learn to recognize growth patterns and stages of development in our own children and their peers.

In so doing you don't take it personally when your two-year-old breaks away, defies you with a "no!" and tries to establish himself as an independent person. You don't overreact when your four-year-old uses toilet words and shocking language to get your attention and vacillates between being a self-confident, capable child and a regressive, whiny baby. You don't call up your mother in tears, confessing that your six-year-old cheats, lies, and steals in order to be first or best, and that your nine-year-old thinks you are dishonest and have no character because you often drive over the speed limit and were caught telling a white lie. Neither do you excuse irresponsible behavior in the name of growth and development or label your child because of birth order, socioeconomic position, or IQ.

Each family learns to understand and solve its own problems by applying the best knowledge, insight, and intuition it has. This might include repeating to yourself phrases such as "This too will pass," "Steady as she goes," "Roll with the punches," "Someday we'll laugh at this"-or holding your breath and counting to ten before you respond.

The Sequence Is the Key

As you teach Habit 5 to your family and as you begin to operate in your Circle of Influence to live Habit 5 yourself, you will be amazed at the impact it will have on your family culture-even on small children. One father shared this: I realized the impact of seeking first to understand in the family the other day when I was watching our three sons interact.

Jason, who is one and a half, had just knocked over Matt's toys, and Matt, who is four years old and not too articulate, was just about to slug his baby brother.

Just at that time Todd, our six-year-old, walked over to Matt and said, "You're feeling really angry now, aren't you, Matt? Baby Jason just knocked down all your toys, and you are so angry you want to hit him." Matt looked at Todd for a moment, mumbled a few words, raised his hands, and walked out of the room.

I thought to myself, Wow, this really works!

Remember, the key to Habit 5 is in the sequence. It's not just what to do, it's also why and when. Habit 5 helps us listen-and speak-from the heart. It also opens the door to the incredible family synergy we'll talk about as we move into Habit 6.

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH ADULTS AND TEENS.

Seek First to Understand Review the Indian/Eskimo perception experience. Explore the value of realizing that people do not see the world as it is but as they are, or as they have been conditioned to see it.

Discuss together: How important is it to truly understand and empathize with each family member? How well do we really know the members of our family? Do we know their stresses? Their vulnerabilities? Their needs? Their views about life and about themselves? Their hopes and expectations? How can we get to know them better?

Ask family members: Do we see some of the fruits of not understanding in our home, such as frustration over unclear expectations, judgment, slamming doors, blaming and accusing, rudeness, poor relationships, sadness, loneliness, or crying? Discuss what family members could do to ensure that everyone has the opportunity to be heard.

Give some thought to the way you deal with family communication. Discuss the four major autobiographical responses-evaluating, advising, probing, and interpreting. Practice together learning how to give an understanding response.

Review the guidelines in "Empathy: Some Questions and Guidelines" and the story in "How to Do It: Principles of Empathic Listening." Discuss how this information can help you practice Habit 5 in your family.

Then Seek to Be Understood Review the material in this chapter. Discuss why seeking first to understand is fundamental to being understood. How can it help you better communicate in the language of the listener?

Consider together how you can nurture a Habit 5 "understanding culture" in your home.

SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH CHILDREN.

Take the children through the Indian/Eskimo perception experience. When they are able to see both pictures, talk about how there are usually two or more ways of looking at things, and how we really don't always see or experience things in the same way others do. Encourage them to share any experiences when they felt misunderstood.