Now look at the difference when Cindy's mother seeks first to understand: CINDY: Oh, Mom, I have some bad news. Meggie got dropped from the cheer squad today.

MOTHER: Oh, honey, you really seem upset.

CINDY: I feel so bad about it, Mom. It wasn't her fault. It was her boyfriend's. He's a jerk.

MOTHER: Hmm. You don't like him.

CINDY: I sure don't, Mom. He's always in trouble. She's a good girl, and he drags her down. It makes me sad.

MOTHER: You feel he's a bad influence on her, and that hurts you because she's your good friend.

CINDY: I wish she'd drop this guy and go with someone nice. Bad friends get you in trouble.

Notice how this mother's desire to understand was reflected in the way she responded to her daughter the second time. At that point she didn't attempt to share her own experience or ideas-even though she may have had real value to add. She didn't evaluate, probe, advise, or interpret. And she didn't take Cindy on, although she may have disagreed with what her daughter seemed to be saying.

What she did was respond in a way that helped clarify her own understanding of what Cindy was saying and communicate that understanding back to Cindy. And because Cindy didn't have to engage in a win-lose conversation with her mother, she was able to connect with her four gifts and come to a sense of the real problem on her own.

The Tip and the Mass of the Iceberg

Now, it's not always necessary to reflect back in words what someone is saying and feeling in order to empathize. The heart of empathy is understanding how people see the situation and how they feel about it, and the essence of what they are trying to say. It's not mimicking. It's not necessarily summarizing. It's not even attempting to reflect back in all cases. You may not need to say anything at all. Or perhaps a facial expression will communicate that you understand. The point is that you don't get hung up on the technique of reflecting back but instead focus on truly empathizing and then allow that genuine, sincere emotion to drive your technique.

The problem comes when people think the technique is empathy. They mimic, use the same phrases repeatedly, and rephrase what others say in ways that seem manipulative or insulting. It's like the story about the serviceman who was complaining to the chaplain about how much he hated army life.

The chaplain responded, "Oh, you don't like army life."

"'Yeah," said the serviceman. "And that C.O.! I couldn't trust him as far as I could throw him."

"You just feel that you couldn't trust a C.O. as far as you could throw him."

"Yeah. And the food-it's so plain!"

"You feel that the food is really plain."

"And the people-they're so low-caliber."

"You feel that the people are low-caliber."

"Yeah . . . and what in the heck is wrong with the way I'm saying it anyway?"

It may be good to practice the skill. It may even increase the desire. But always remember that the technique is just the tip of the iceberg. The great mass of the iceberg is a deep and sincere desire to truly understand.

That desire is ultimately based on respect. This is what keeps empathic listening from becoming just a technique.

If this sincere desire to understand isn't there, efforts to empathize will be sensed as manipulative and insincere. Manipulation means that the real motive is hidden even though good techniques are being used. When people feel manipulated, they are not committed. They may say "yes," but they mean "no"-and it will be evidenced in their behavior later on. Pseudodemocracy eventually shows its true colors. And when people feel manipulated, a major withdrawal takes place, and your next efforts-even though sincere-will be perceived as another form of manipulation.

When you're willing to acknowledge the true motive behind your methods, then truthfulness and sincerity replace manipulation. Others may not agree or go along, but at least you have been forthright. And nothing baffles a person who is full of tricks and duplicity more than simple, straightforward honesty on the part of another.

Based on respect and a sincere desire to understand, responses other than "reflective responses" can also become empathic. If someone were to ask you, "Where's the rest room?" you wouldn't just respond, "You're really hurting."

There are also times when, if you really understand, you can sense that someone wants you to probe. They want the additional perspective and insight your questions are based on. This might be compared to visiting a doctor. You want the doctor to probe, to ask about your symptoms. You know that the questions are based on expert knowledge and are necessary in order to give a proper diagnosis. So in this case probing becomes empathic rather than controlling and autobiographical.

When you sense that someone really wants you to ask questions to draw them out, you might consider questions such as these: What are your concerns?

What is truly important to you?

What values do you want to preserve the most?

What are your most pressing needs?

What are your highest priorities in this situation?

What are the possible unintended consequences of such an action plan?

These kinds of questions can be combined with reflective statements such as: I sense your underlying concern is . . .

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I sense that . . .

I'm trying to see it from your point of view, and what I sense is . . .

What I hear you saying is . . .

You feel that . . .

I sense you mean . . .

In the right situation any of these questions and phrases could show an attempt to achieve understanding or empathy. The point is that the attitude or desire is what must be cultivated first and foremost. The technique is secondary and flows out of the desire.

Empathy: Some Questions and Guidelines

As you work on Habit 5, you may be interested in the answers to some of the questions other people have asked over the years.

Is empathy always appropriate? The answer is "yes!" Without exception, empathy is always appropriate. But reflecting back, summarizing, and mirroring are sometimes extremely inappropriate and insulting. They may even be perceived as manipulation. So remember the heart of the matter is a sincere desire to understand.

What can you do if the other person doesn't open up? Remember that 70 to 80 percent of all communication is nonverbal. In this sense you cannot not communicate. If you truly have an empathic heart, a heart that desires to understand, you will always be reading the nonverbal cues. You'll be noticing body and face language, tone of voice, and context. Voice inflection and tone are the keys to discerning the heart on the phone. You'll be attempting to discern the spirit and heart of another, so don't force it. Be patient. You may even sense that you need to apologize or make restitution for some wrongdoing. Act on that understanding and do it. In other words, if you sense that the Emotional Bank Account is overdrawn, act on that understanding and make the appropriate deposits.

What are other expressions of empathy besides mirroring, summarizing, and reflecting techniques? Again, the answer is to do what the mass of the iceberg tells you-what your understanding of the person, the need, and the situation direct you toward. Sometimes total silence is empathic. Sometimes asking questions or using expert knowledge showing conceptual awareness is empathic. Sometimes a nod or a single word is empathic. Empathy is a very sincere, nonmanipulative, flexible, and humble process. You realize you're on sacred ground and that the other person is perhaps even a little more vulnerable than you.

You may also find these guidelines helpful: The higher the trust level, the more you can easily move in and out of empathic and autobiographical responses-particularly between reflecting and probing. Negative and positive energy is often, though not always, a key indicator of the level of trust.

If the trust is very high, you can be extremely candid and efficient with each other. But if you are attempting to rebuild trust or if it is somewhat shaky and the person won't risk vulnerability, then you need to stay longer and with more patience in the empathic mode.

If you're not sure that you understand or if you're not sure the other feels understood, then say that and try again.

Just as you come from the depth of the iceberg under the water, learn to listen to the depth of the iceberg inside the other person. In other words, focus primarily on the underlying meaning, which is usually found more in feeling and emotion than in content or the words the person is using. Listen with the eyes and with the "third ear"-the heart.

The quality in a relationship is perhaps the factor that most determines what is appropriate. Remember that relationships in the family require constant attention because the expectation of being emotionally nurtured and supported is constant. This is where people get into trouble-when they take others, particularly their loved ones, for granted and treat a stranger at the door better than the dearest people in their lives. There must be constant effort in the family to apologize, to ask for forgiveness, to express love, appreciation, and the valuing of others.

Read the context, the environment, the culture so that the technique you use is not interpreted differently from what you intended. Sometimes you have to be very explicit by saying, "I'm going to try to understand what you mean. I am not going to evaluate, agree, or disagree at all. I am not going to try to 'figure you out.' I want to understand only what you want me to understand." And that understanding often comes only when you also understand the "bigger picture."

When you are truly empathizing, you are also understanding what's going on in the relationship and in the nature of the communication taking place between you-not just in the words the other person is attempting to communicate. You are empathic about the whole context as well as the meaning that is being communicated. And then you act based on that larger empathic understanding.

For instance, if the entire history of the relationship is one of judging and evaluation, the very effort to empathize will probably be seen in that context. To change the relationship will probably require apologizing and deep interior work to make sure one's attitude and behavior are congruent with that apology, and then being open and sensitive to opportunities to show understanding.

I remember one time when Sandra and I had been on our son's case for several weeks regarding his schoolwork. One evening we asked him if he wanted to go to dinner with us as a kind of special date. He said he wanted to go and asked who else was going. We said, "No one else. This is just a special time with you."

He then said that he didn't want to go. We talked him into it, but there was very little openness in spite of our best efforts to show understanding. Near the end of the dinner we began talking about another issue that was indirectly related to schoolwork, and the emotional energy was such that it drove us into the sensitive subject and caused bad feelings and further defensiveness on everyone's part. Later, when we apologized, this son told us, "This is why I didn't want to go to dinner." He knew it would be another judgment experience. It took us some time to make enough deposits so that he trusted the relationship and became open again.

One of the greatest things we've learned in this area is that mealtimes should always be happy, pleasant occasions for eating, sharing pleasant talk, and learning-sometimes even serious discussions about various intellectual or spiritual topics-but never a place for disciplining, correcting, or judging. When people are extremely busy, they may be with their family only at mealtimes, and they therefore try to take care of all important family matters then. But there are other, better times to handle these things. When mealtimes are pleasant and devoid of judgment or instruction, people look forward to them and to being together. It is well worth the careful planning and considerable discipline it takes to preserve the happiness and pleasantness of mealtimes and to make dinner a time when family members enjoy one another and feel relaxed and emotionally safe.

When relationships are good-and both parties are genuinely understanding-people can often rapidly communicate with unusual candor. Sometimes just a few nods or an "uh-huh" is sufficient. In these situations people can cover great territory rapidly with each other. An outsider, watching this without understanding the quality of the relationship and the larger context, might observe that there was no reflective listening or understanding or empathy taking place at all, when in fact it was deeply empathic and very efficient.

Sandra and I were able to achieve this level of communication in our own marriage on that sabbatical in Hawaii. Through the years, we have fallen back into old ways from time to time. But we find that by working at it, we are able to regain it fairly rapidly. So much depends on the amount of emotion being generated, the nature of the subject, the time of the day, the level of our personal fatigue, and the nature of our mental focus.

Many people struggle with this iceberg approach to empathy because it's not as easy as skill development. It requires a great deal more internal work, and it takes more of an inside-out approach. With skill development you can get better just by practicing.

The Second Half of the Habit

"Seek first to understand" does not mean seek only to understand. It doesn't mean that you bag your role to teach and influence others. It simply means that you listen and understand first. And as you can see in the examples given, this is actually the key to influencing others. When you are open to their influence, you'll find you almost always have greater influence with them.

Now we come to the second half of the habit -"seek to be understood." This has to do with sharing the way you see the world, with giving feedback, with teaching your children, with having the courage to confront with love. And when you attempt to do any of these things, you can readily see another very practical reason for seeking first to understand: When you really understand someone, it's much easier to share, to teach, to confront with love. You know how to speak to others in the language they understand.

One woman shared this experience: For a long time in our marriage, my husband and I did not see eye to eye on spending. He would want to buy things I felt were unnecessary and expensive. I couldn't seem to explain to him the pain I felt as the debt kept mounting and we had to spend more and more of our income on interest and credit card bills.

Finally, I decided I needed to find a different way of expressing my point of view and to influence the situation. I tried to listen more, to understand how he was thinking. I came to realize that he was more of a "big picture" thinker, but sometimes he just didn't see the connection between his spending decisions and the consequences they brought.

So when he would say, "You know, it would really be nice to have [something]," instead of arguing with him, I began to say, "You know, it really would. Let's see what would happen if we bought that. Let's look at the big picture." And I would take out the budget and say, "Now, if we spend this here, we won't have money to do that." I found that when he saw the consequences of spending decisions, he often came to the conclusion himself that we were better off not buying the item in question.

In doing this I also discovered that with some of the purchases he wanted to make, the benefits actually outweighed the drawbacks. He wanted to buy a computer, for example. I was not in favor of this at first, but when I calculated the difference it would make in our earning capacity, I could see that my response came out of the baggage of the past instead of the logic of the present.

I also found that having a financial mission statement helped keep us both on track. When we had a shared purpose in front of us, it became much easier for us to work together to accomplish it.

Notice how understanding helped this couple work together to make better decisions. But notice, too, how understanding the way her husband thought made it possible for this woman to "seek to be understood" much more effectively. She was able to communicate better because she knew how to express her ideas in the language he understood.

Giving Feedback

I know of one man whom people generally consider to be easygoing and accepting of others. One day his wife said, "Our married children have told me that they feel you are too controlling in your relationship with them. They adore you in many ways, but they resent the way you try to channel their activities and their energy."

This man was devastated. His first response was "There's no way the children would ever say such a thing! You know that isn't true. I never interfere in any way with their desires. Such talk is ridiculous, and you know it as well as I do!"

"Nevertheless, that's the way they feel," she replied. "And I have to tell you that I've noticed it, too. You have a way of pressuring them to do what you think is best."

"When? When? When did I ever do that? Just tell me one time when I did that."

"Do you really want to hear?"

"No, I don't want to hear, because it isn't true!"

There are times when "being understood" means giving feedback to other family members. And this can be very hard to do. People often don't want to hear feedback. It doesn't match the image they have of themselves, and they don't want to hear anything that reflects an image that is any less than the one they have in their minds.

Everyone has "blind spots"-areas in their lives that they don't even see but that need to be changed or improved. So when you really love someone, you need to care enough to confront-but in ways that are filled with positive energy and respect. You need to be able to give feedback in a way that actually builds the Emotional Bank Account instead of making withdrawals.

When you need to give feedback, you may find these five keys helpful: Always ask yourself, "Will this feedback really be helpful to this person, or does it just fulfill my own need to set this person straight?" If there's any anger inside you, it's probably not the time or the place to give feedback.

Seek first to understand. Know what's important to the person and how your feedback will help that person accomplish his or her goals. Always try to speak that person's language of love.

Separate the person from the behavior. We must continually strive to do this and never judge the person. We might judge the behavior against standards and principles. We might describe our feelings and observe the consequences of this behavior. But we must absolutely refuse to put a label on another person. It is so damning to the person and to the relationship. Instead of describing a person as "lazy" or "stupid" or "selfish" or "dominating" or "chauvinistic," it is always better to describe instead our observation of the consequences of these behaviors and/or our own feelings, concerns, and perceptions that flow from these behaviors.

Be especially sensitive and patient regarding blind spots. They are "blind" spots because they're too sensitive to be admitted into conscious awareness. Unless people are prepared to improve things they already know should be improved, giving them information on blind spots is threatening and counterproductive. Also, don't give feedback on something they can't realistically do anything about.

Use "I" messages. When you give feedback, it's important to remember that you're sharing your own perception-the way you see the world. So give "I" messages: "This is my perception." "My concern is . . ." "This is how I see it." "This is the way I feel." "This is what I observed." The moment you start sending "you" messages-"You are so self-centered!" "You are causing so much trouble!"-you're playing God. You're making yourself the ultimate judge of that person. It's as if that's the way the person is. And this becomes a huge withdrawal. What offends people the most-particularly when their heart is right but their behavior is wrong-is the idea that they're fixed, labeled, categorized, judged. That they can't change. "I" messages are more horizontal-between human equals. "You" messages are more vertical, indicating that one is better or of greater worth than another.

I remember one time when Sandra and I were concerned about what we felt was a selfish pattern developing in one of our sons. It had been going on for a relatively long period of time, and it was becoming offensive to everyone in the family. We could easily have given quick feedback-just fed it to him really fast and hoped the pattern would change. We've done that sometimes. But in this case I said to myself, I've really got to pay the price on this one. This is a deeply embedded tendency, but this is not his nature. This is not like him. He has so much graciousness and selflessness and goodness. He needs to know how we feel about his actions.

At the time, we were on a family vacation at a lake. I asked him if he wanted to go for a ride around the lake on our trail cycle. We went for a long, long ride. We took our time. We stopped for drinks at a fresh stream. We were gone probably two and a half to three hours and had a great time. The depth of our interaction, the laughter, the fun, really enhanced our relationship.

Toward the end of our time together, I finally said to him, "Son, one of the reasons I wanted to have this private time with you is that your mother and I have a concern. Would you mind if I shared it with you?"