[Ill.u.s.tration: OVERHEARD AT A COUNTRY FAIR

"'Ere y' are! All the jolly fun! Lidies' tormentors two a penny!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: NOT QUITE HER MEANING

_The Vicar's Daughter._ "I'm glad to find you've turned over a new leaf, Muggles, and don't waste your money at the public-house."

_Muggles._ "Yes, miss, I have it in by the barrel now, and that _do_ come cheaper!"]

TOWN THOUGHTS FROM THE COUNTRY

_(With the usual apologies.)_

Oh, to be in London now that April's there, And whoever walks in London sees, some morning in the square, That the upper thousands have come to town, To the plane-trees droll in their new bark gown, While the sparrows chirp, and the cats miaow In London--now!

And after April, when May follows And the black-coats come and go like swallows!

Mark, where yon fairy blossom in the Row Leans to the rails, and canters on in clover, Blushing and drooping, with her head bent low!

That's the wise child: she makes him ask twice over, Lest he should think she views with too much rapture Her first fine wealthy capture!

But,--though her path looks smooth, and though, alack!

All will be gay, till Time has painted black The _Marigold_, her mother's chosen flower,-- Far brighter is my _Heartsease_, Love's own dower.

MRS. RAMSBOTHAM is staying with her niece in the country. She is much delighted with the rich colour of the spring bulbs, and says she at last understands the meaning of "as rich as Crocus."

[Ill.u.s.tration: HIS BITTER HALF.--_John._ "Drink 'earty, Maria. Drink werry nigh 'arf."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HORTICULTURAL CUTTINGS

_(Culled by Dumb-Crambo Junior)_

Marshal Niel--Rose.

Row-doe-den'd-run.

Minion-ate.

Pick-o'-tea.

Car-nation.

Dahli-a.

Any-money.

Double Pink.

Few-shiers.

Glad I-o-la!]

A CONUNDRUM TO FILL UP A GAP IN THE CONVERSATION.--Why is a person older than yourself like food for cattle?

Because he's past your age (_pasturage_).

EVERYTHING COMES TO THE MAN WHO WAITS.--_Country Rector's Wife (engaging man-servant)._ And can you wait at dinner?

_Man._ Aw, yes, mum; I'm never that hoongry but I can wait till you've done.

[Ill.u.s.tration: A QUESTION OF VESTED INTEREST

_Vicar._ "Well, gentlemen, what can I do for you?"

_Spokesman._ "Please, sir, we be a deputation from farmers down Froglands parish, to ask you to pray for fine weather for t'arvest."

_Vicar._ "Why don't you ask your own Vicar?"

_Spokesman._ "Well, sir, we reckon 'e be'unt much good for this 'ere. 'E do be that fond of fishin'."]

A RUSTIC MORALIST.--_Rector_ (_going his rounds_). "An uncommonly fine pig, Mr. Dibbles, I declare!"

_Contemplative Villager._ "Ah, yes, sir: if we was only, all of us, as fit to die as him, sir!!"

QUERY.--Has the want of rain this summer, and consequent failure of the hay crops, affected the market for Gra.s.s Widows?

[Ill.u.s.tration: TRIALS OF A NOVICE

_The Boy (to Brown, who has just taken a "little place" in the Country)._ "Plaze, zur, wot be I to start on?"