Grab a sheet of paper, divide it down the middle vertically, and write "ALIKE" at the top of one column and "DIFFERENT" at the top of the other. With your daughter, think of the supposed-to-be-fun kind of activities that each of you enjoys. (Most tweens won't think this is lame!) As you discuss the possibilities, put them in the appropriate column. Just avoid making statements along the way like "I know you like to bake cookies, but I would rather be shot than go into that kitchen when I don't have to." Just put cookie baking in the DIFFERENT column and move on. Expect the same respect from your daughter. Once you've written down all you can think of, choose one activity from the ALIKE column and do it together. Both like to eat ice cream? Take an hour and slip away to Ben & Jerry's. Share a love for music? Pick a fave song each and listen over lemonade. Discovered she'd like to learn to plant flowers like you do? Shove aside your fear that she's going to kill the petunias and show her how it's done.

Do something your daughter enjoys.

At some point, pick one of the activities in the DIFFERENCES column, one she enjoys and you, well, don't. Give it a try with her. You might be surprised that you actually like playing DDR or heading a soccer ball or painting your toenails purple. Participating in something she loves, even if it's out of your comfort zone, will help you appreciate the traits she doesn't share with you.

Do something you enjoy.

Try the reverse-do something you enjoy-without the expectation that she's going to fall in love with quilting, tennis, or haiku. If she does, great. The point of the thing is for her to respect your individuality, just as you've shown that you honor hers. (You might want to lay some ground rules for this: no eye rolling, dramatic yawning, or use of the L word-lame-from either of you.)

Make a collage together.

Pull together a stack of magazines, two pairs of scissors, two glue sources, and two large pieces of paper or poster board. Set a timer for ten minutes. In that ten minutes, each of you will pull out pix from the magazines that appeal to you. Don't stop to analyze why; if it catches your eye, cut it out. When the timer dings, each of you will make a collage using the images you've gathered. Place your finished pieces side by side. One glance is going to show how marvelously unique you both are. You'll never again think of her as a carbon copy.

Make a list of expectations.

Make a list of the expectations you have for your daughter, both now and for the future. Honestly examine them to see if any of them conflict with what you know about who she is. You may find yourself crossing out Keep her room neat for your on-the-go tomboy, or Participate in sports for your Anne of Green Gables dreamer. You'll find yourself letting both of you off a hook neither of you needs to be on.

Name what needs to be changed.

As you're enjoying all this, you may also come up against some obstacles, some things about your daughter that, despite your best efforts, you just can't wrap your mind around. You know in your heart that the way you do it really would be better for her. We can call those kinds of things "The Way NOBODY Just 'Is.'" Things like: Going off to pout every time she's crossed.

Using shyness as a reason to be rude.

Pitching a royal fit.

Doing whatever it takes to get her way.

Lying.

Treating you like her personal assistant.

It doesn't matter what personality color she is. It makes no difference whether she's an introvert or an extrovert, a gifted athlete or a musical prodigy, the middle child, only child, or genius child.

"There are some movies and books and clothes that I enjoy that Mom just hates. I feel like I have to appreciate what she does and dislike what she dislikes. Sometimes I just don't feel the mutual understanding that Mom and I don't have to love the same things. We are different people. This has nothing to do with morals or values, just tastes. I love my mom and just don't want to risk hurting her feelings or anything if I acted like I hated the kind of music she likes, or act like I feel bad if she puts down my taste."

age 12 None of the above is part of anybody's natural personality physical makeup, or personal destiny. They just plain aren't okay. You can use her learning style to decide how to nip those behaviors in the tween bud-but please, please do it.

Yeah, there might be a reason why your hitherto honest daughter starts telling whoppers. Go ahead and find out what that is. But it would be wise not to use it as an excuse to let her get away with it. There are acceptable ways to express those funky emotions, and I think it's one of your most important jobs to lead her to those. "That's just the way she is" doesn't apply when she's staging a coup on your household.

Play "what if."

The tweens I've worked with love to play "what if." You probably did too, although you might be a little rusty. I know your daughter will be glad to help you.

These "what ifs" may help you be more comfortable with the "her" that isn't "you": What if-we each got a thousand dollars to do whatever we wanted with?

What if-we were going on a week's vacation, just us two? Where could we agree to go? What could we do together?

What if-we could each help one person? Who would it be and what would we do?

What if-we could each ask the other that one question we've always been afraid to put out there?

Bridging the Gap

Merciful God, I confess that I've sometimes read wrong because I was seeing myself instead of her as you made her. Please be my guide in discovering her uniqueness and in helping her grow from there. I'm going to fall short in that at times, I know. Please bridge the gap between my ability to see her and how completely she needs to be seen. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

3.

Why Can't She Just Be Herself?

"There's trouble ahead when you live only for the approval of others, saying what flatters them, doing what indulges them. Popularity contests are not truth contests...Your task is to be true, not popular."

Luke 6:26 "I wish my mom understood more about how hard fitting in is. Even though people keep telling you it will be all right, it's normal to be really scared."

age 11 We've established that being one-of-a-kind, genuinely real is hugely important for a tween girl. Now all you have to do is let her have at it. Right?

Oh, that it were that simple. For any of us, actually, but particularly for her. Just when she's realizing that she has a self of her own and comes to like the idea that her tastes and interests and idiosyncrasies are unique to her alone, the world around her clears its throat and says, in tween vernacular, "Okay, you're just weird."

You might expect that for a girl who, shall we say, marches to the beat of a decidedly different drummer (and we'll deal with that specifically). But does an "average" girl-whatever that is-come up against it too?

She does. A tweenie doesn't have to be a championship chess player to be considered "different." Any aberration from the norm is held suspect in the tween world. Even the girl who seems to set the standards for what's in and what's out has to work pretty hard to maintain her position as coolness monitor.

It isn't only her peers who make it hard for her to "just be herself." Factors from the way her school is run to the way the gospel is preached can call her view of who she is into question before she really has a chance to bring it into focus.

One of those factors may unknowingly be you.

At the same time, you are the person most likely to notice if she isn't being true to herself. You of all people can tell the difference between Daughter Feeling Comfortable and Daughter Floundering. Have you ever watched her at a party where she doesn't know many of the kids? Is she a mere shadow of her former self as she cases the situation and decides whether to join in or run for the restroom? Does she hold her usually warm-fuzzy self aloof until she's sure it's safe to venture in? It's the rare eight- to twelve-year-old girl who propels herself into the middle of this unknown and says, "I'm here-let the games begin!" And if she does, she's going to immediately be pinned as "weird," and we're back where we started.

What's that all about?

Getting Clear: What Gets in Her Way?

There are numerous obstacles that block your daughter from truly living into the self she's just starting to find. Some of those barriers are "out there" in her world, things you may not even be aware of because now she's spending more awake time away from you than with you. Even if she's homeschooled, the outside stuff finds its way to her and makes it a challenge for her to behave authentically.

The other is comprised of roadblocks that can exist at home-again things you may not know about because they're often silent. Before we move on, please remember that none of this is meant to make you look in the mirror and cry, "I'm the worst mother ever! She's going to be in therapy for the rest of her life!" This is just information that may or may not apply to your daughter and you, so under no circumstances should you beat yourself up. Please just take what fits and use it to become an even better parent than you already are-and allow yourself a little pat on the back for the things you've managed to avoid.

Before we go on, be aware that different girls hit this wall at different times, and the rare few not at all. Your daughter may breeze through her tweens so self-assured you're convinced she's a social prodigy, and suddenly freeze when she's thirteen. Others seem to struggle from the fourth grade on. Even the girl who truly doesn't care what other people think is aware that others just don't get that and find her strange.

Roadblock #1: She gets labeled.

Some of you will rush to say that you protect your tween daughter from as much secularity as possible so that she isn't exposed to the current culture. But really, every girl has a culture, a small society that she's growing up in. Your daughter's may largely be a Christian school and the church community. Or her private school and the local youth athletics program. Or public school and her gymnastics/ dance/cheerleading world. Or the homeschool co-op and her large extended family. Her surroundings and the people she spends the most time with constitute a culture for her, and what that culture expects is on a continuum between allowing her to flourish as an individual and demanding that she conform in every detail.

Within that small world, she has probably already earned a label for herself, whether she wants it or not. If you listen to her conversations with friends, you may hear things like, "She's that girl who always tells on everybody to Mrs. So-and-So." That "girl" has been labeled "The Ratter Outer"-don't anybody trust her. The poor kid may just have a strong sense of responsibility. Your daughter may have that as well, but to keep from also being dubbed as a dreaded "Ratter Outer," she's going to hide that important part of herself.

The same is true for "The one who dresses up all the time" ("Miss Priss") and "That one girl that raises her hand, like, every five minutes" ("Teacher's Pet"). Sure, the labels can be flattering: "That girl that dances so good" ("The Ballerina"), "You know, the girl with the really pretty hair" ("Girly Girl"), or "She's the one everybody copies" ("The Popular Girl"). Tweens can actually be quite complimentary and even idealize each other, but a girl who's up on the dance pedestal may feel like she can't sign up for soccer, and the little scholar who makes a B- will make a beeline for the girls' restroom to cry.

Roadblock #2: She knows what a girl is "supposed" to be.

In addition, somehow, no matter how sheltered they are, tweens pick up on what a "girl" is "supposed" to be. Her BFFs may accept her without question, but she would have to be in total isolation from the world not to get wind of the larger culture's expectations for a female. We'll talk more about the beauty culture in a later chapter, but there's more to it than what she's expected to look like. Her generation of girls gets the message that they have to be the best at everything they do, should be liked by all, and must wear, do, say, and own all that is currently considered cool-whatever that is at the moment.

If that sounds a lot like the teenage world, it is-and there's your trouble. A tween girl has barely gotten a whiff of what psychologist Emily Hancock calls her "root identity,"1 and she's already in a position of having to defend it or compromise it-because of course nobody's root identity is to excel at everything she tries, maintain constant popularity, and be at the top of the trends at all times. That doesn't even describe a real person! A teen girl has known herself longer and has a somewhat better chance of holding onto her root identity if she has actually found it. The naturally carefree, basically confident eight-year-old is far more at risk for losing that identity because she's so easily influenced, so much more trusting, so readily bruised. Without encouragement and validation, that carefree confidence can be gone before she's ten.