ORANGE.

Takes in information by getting it on her. (You can tell her it's hot until you're blue in the face, and she will still have to put her finger through that candle flame just one time.) Likes to take risks before she asks questions. (She's all about experiencing it now and worrying later about whether that was a good idea.) Likes to do creative things in which she can look at the world sideways. (If she is required to do something boring, she either won't do it, or she'll get somebody else to do it for her, which she's so good at, Tom Sawyer could take lessons from her.) Shrugs off criticism or ignores it unless someone (you) gets right in her face. (She does no crying in her tween years. Door slamming, yes, but no crying.)

Moms' Teaching Styles

BLUE.

Creates structure that feels right (which means there always is one, it just changes from time to time).

Tailors the routine to her kids (and tends to sacrifice her own rhythm in the process).

Makes everything personal (which is great in relationships, overkill in folding laundry).

Great at teaching relationship skills and personal development (but feels bad if she can't also help with math homework).

GOLD.

Very structured in all endeavors (i.e. the kids' schedules are on the frig, color coded, and the backpacks are loaded and by the door before she goes to bed).

Loves routine, especially one she creates (everybody has a bed time, a scheduled after-school activity, a day to sit in the front seat).

Is excellent at spelling out the rules in a clear, concise way (if any daughter in her house is in doubt, she need only refer to the list on the refrigerator, next to the schedule).

Is great at teaching the black-and-white things every girl needs to know (her daughters can load a dishwasher, program numbers into a cell phone, and say no to gossip).

GREEN.

Creates structure that is functional and flexible. (It's never a crisis when somebody misses the bus or forgets a lunch. There is always a Plan B in place).

Fits her routine to the task at hand. (No time to cook because her daughter waited until today to announce she has a science project due tomorrow? No problem. There's a pizza in the freezer-and what's more fun than a science project?) Likes to let her daughter figure things out on her own. (You'll hear a lot of "What do you think you should do in this situation?" at her house.) Is truly the best when it comes to teaching how to find things out. (Her daughters know how to locate any piece of information online.)

ORANGE.

Structure? What is that? (Her daughter is taking her academic career in her hands if she gives this mom papers that have to be signed and returned to school.) Resists routine and really has to work to create it when it's necessary. (Her daughters learn to expect the unexpected.) Likes to create "guidelines" (do we have to call them "rules"?) when a situation arises. (Her consequences for inappropriate behavior are creative works in themselves.) Shines when it comes to allowing her daughters to be truly themselves. (Which means she-and her kids-are often seen by other mothers as being "a little out there.") It isn't hard to see how the combination of your teaching style and your daughter's approach to learning can either allow you two to work like a well-oiled machine, or start a bonfire every time you speak.

ORANGE moms can push their GOLD and GREEN daughters over the edge with their ever-changing routines-or complete lack of them.

GOLD moms don't get why their ORANGE girl-children can't just follow the rules and make everybody's life easier, including their own. "She acts like she can read my mind and say I'm doing something because of this when that isn't it AT ALL. That's what frustrates me the most."

age 11 GREEN moms may constantly hurt their already sensitive BLUE daughters' feelings with rational explanations for things that clearly defy reason (like BFFs and boys and mood swings).

BLUE moms can embarrass the socks off of their GOLD girls with effusive shows of praise and affection in front of their friends.

But- Get an ORANGE mom and a GREEN daughter together and there will be both fun and function.

Pair up the BLUE mom with the ORANGE daughter and they will make each other laugh and feel good about their respective selves.

Let a GREEN mom and a GOLD daughter go and there will be peace in the valley.

Put a GOLD mom with her BLUE daughter and they can practically create a ministry in the living room.

What happens when identical colors cohabitate?

BLUE/BLUE can either be a hothouse of female emotion or a place where understanding abounds.

GREEN/GREEN has the potential to become a clinical lab (think Spock as the mother of a mini-me) or a forum for the satisfying exchange of ideas.

GOLD/GOLD can go either way: a stress-laced drive to get it all right, or a smooth-running lifestyle that leaves room for growing and talking and trying things out (within those Gold limits, of course).

ORANGE/ORANGE-uh, do I need to point out the possibilities in that arrangement? We're talking about sheer chaos, or an atmosphere of delicious fulfillment of potential.

"My mom taught me that it is okay to have to get away. She's a mom to eight of us, and life gets pretty crazy sometimes (okay, a lot of the time). But she has shown me that when that happens, it is better to take five minutes, leave the mess, and pray. Clear your thoughts by talking to God and being reminded that he doesn't care about the toy mess or the messy bathroom-all he wants is my heart and attention."

age 12 Most daughters-and moms, for that matter-are a combination of colors that make them the rich, enchanting individuals they are. Even so, finding out which stripes or polka dots kick in when can go a long way toward understanding your mini-woman and discovering that, once again, she is so not you.

From the Ultimate Parent

Years (and years!) ago I wrote my first book, with a coauthor, entitled Home: Love It and Leave It. (I think approximately sixty copies were purchased, thirty of those by my mother.) It was a nonfiction book for teenagers in which marriage and family counselor David Wayne and I put forth the truth that it isn't up to parents to launch their children from the nest when it's time for them to strike out on their own; it's the responsibility of the young adult to spread those wings and fly. Our premise was based on Genesis 2:24: "Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and embraces his wife." The Scripture doesn't say, "The father and mother will push the man out and he will find a wife to pick up where they left off." (Although some men seem to think it reads that way.) It's the son-or daughter-who has to do the leaving. So even biblically, the act of parenting is one long process of letting go. It's a slow process, and its steps have to be appropriate for where Daughter currently is on her path, but the end goal is for her to feel confident enough someday to make her own life. Your time for helping her to shape it is relatively short, and the tween years are the prime time. You won't be pushing her out. Her impulse to leave will later be strong in her and she'll go. The question is, will she be authentic enough to do more than just hold her own out there? That's your job, and it needs to be under way today.

That would be daunting, if not for the fact that who she truly, genuinely, authentically is has already been decided. Her soul, the very realness of her, is, according to Scripture, preordained. The psalmist David says it so beautifully: Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb...

You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.

Psalm 139:13, 15-16 That pretty much leaves no doubt that your daughter's identity is (a) already a done deal and (b) unique to her and no one else, including you. That is not to say that you throw in the towel and proclaim, "I don't understand her at all, but she is who she is so what can I do?" There are certain things that everybody needs to adhere to in order to be a loving, giving, thriving part of God's world. The rest of the Bible is all about that, right? What it does mean is that how you "help this child to grow into the full stature of Christ" is unique to your "prayers and witness,"2 and what that eventually looks like in your daughter is unique to her.

Once I realized that, I found it incredibly freeing, for both my daughter and me. I didn't have to decide who she was supposed to be. I didn't have to shape her into me. And thank heaven God was going to play a far bigger role in helping her find herself than I was.

Thank heaven.

Test Your Own Waters

It's really no wonder some of us automatically think our daughters are going to respond the same way we do. More than a few of our own mothers assumed the same thing about us. I don't know about you, but the mother tape recordings that play in my head were never louder than when I was navigating the tween years with my daughter.

"You be nice, Nancy," it said. "People won't like you if you're not nice."

"Don't you be a show-off, now." And in the next breath, "I'm going to ask you to play your piano for the Johnsons when they come over, and I don't want any argument."

"Tears again?" was its finale. "You're such a crybaby."

My mother herself-bless her heart-was polite, modest, and emotionally controlled. Not bad things to be, except that trying to be all of that myself pretty much stifled me for a long time. I tried to be nice to absolutely everybody, which often required a degree of falseness and not a few outright lies. I had a natural tendency to perform, but that was coupled with the learned habit of beating myself up after I kicked into theatrical mode. As for those tears-somewhere in there, I forgot how to cry.

When I became a mother myself, I was immediately a basket case. I didn't want Marijean to "act ugly," as we always said at our house. But at the same time I didn't want her to be everybody's doormat. Was that okay? Or did it mean I was setting her up to be a real shrew? Would people like her?

It became apparent to me that as much as I told myself I was my own person now, my mother's voice was screaming in my head. I had to put her on mute, or Marijean, who was most assuredly not a pleaser, was going to stage a grand mutiny that might go on until her twenty-first birthday.

Don't get me wrong. I also had valuable, positive tapes in my head, compliments of my mom.

"You need to stay in touch with...(basically everyone related to you)."

"Have you written a thank-you note for that?"

"Set a nice table every time you sit down to eat." (Placemats required.) "Make your home as nice as you can for your family."

"Make friends wherever you are."

"The church is the center of your life."

None of those things went against who I was, or, for that matter, who anybody is. I then shared with Marijean those mother-things that had brought me personal joy and successful relationships and closeness to God. In the process I learned two things I want to pass on to you.

First, those positive lessons have a fresh new look in a new generation. My mother brought out the pink tablecloth and Desert Rose Franciscan china. I'm all about white ironstone and bright yellow placemats. At Mj's table we sit down to bamboo and hand-glazed pottery. My mother would be pleased. Puzzled, perhaps, but pleased.

Second, the my-mother-did-it-this-way lessons that go against a daughter's natural grain will haunt her. Just like they haunt you. Neither my daughter nor I can put a pretty face on an ugly situation. I tried and ended up in therapy. Marijean has escaped that.

So why not try putting the unwanted legacy to its final rest? Just recognizing your mother tape recordings and turning down the volume (if not erasing them completely-good luck with that) will help more than you can imagine. Here are some questions to ponder in your own personal way: In what situations do you "hear" your mother's voice in your head? (Using your full name, of course!) Do you have a knee-jerk reaction to that tape? Does the hair on the back of your neck bristle, or do you feel guilty enough to follow her instructions? (Just to get her off your mental back.) Now that you think of it, are you unwittingly playing that tape for your daughter?

Do you hear yourself repeating things your mother said to you growing up that you swore you were never going to say to your kids? (Starting with "Because I said so.") On the brighter side, are there things your mom taught you that you haven't thanked her for yet? (Since by now she doubtless knows all the things you didn't appreciate.) "I deal with things a lot different than my sisters. I think moms need to get to know each child and know the difference. My sister and my mom are totally alike, and I'm the complete opposite of them. It's a problem."

age 10 You can look at it this way. Nobody uses cassette tapes anymore because there's nothing to play them on. You can refuse to allow your parenting mind to be a dinosaur Walkman-and customize your parenting playlist. Okay, cheesy, but you get the idea.

Going for It

Now that we've slogged through all of that, it's time for the fun part. These are suggestions for exploring both how different you are and what you have in common. They are to be-you guessed it-chosen and personalized for you and your mini-woman.

Make a list of fun activities.