If your daughter is feeling left out of THE clique described earlier, invite her to really look at the group she thinks she wants to be in and see if it fits that big picture of a good friendship that you painted together. It probably won't, in which case you can ask how you can help her find girls she can trust and enjoy.

If she's part of the popular group and you sense that it's unhealthily exclusive, introduce her to the word inclusive. Point out the good qualities in everybody who comes up in conversation, without saying, "Do you see what I'm trying to teach you here?"

This whole thing gets muddy when, truly, there are girls your daughter just doesn't want to hang out with, because nobody can be best friends with absolutely everyone. If you can show her that there is a kind way to set boundaries, that will help her avoid the temptation to be snitty She can be coached to say, "This seat's taken right now, but I'll see you in class later. We could talk then?" rather than, "You can't sit here-this is, like, private." A girl may wail that her crowd will dump her if she associates with someone she considers to be a loser. If you can hardly keep from blurting out, "Then they aren't nice girls and you shouldn't be hanging out with them," try, "It sounds like they're taking away your power to make up your own mind. Do you really want to let them do that?" In any case, it's never okay to be hateful to other people. If you witness her doing that, call her on that behavior at your very next alone moment with her. She has lowered herself; please don't let her continue to do that.

The mind-reading game

Need I say more than, "If you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you"? Most of the time when a girl expects her friend to know what she wants or feels, she's just afraid to ask. The answer might be no and she'll feel rejected. Since that's an expectation no one should have, this is the teachable moment for honesty and trust. "What's stopping you from telling her how you feel?" you may ask. "If she won't tell you what's wrong, could you promise her you won't freak out if she tells you? Can you do that?"

The drama queen

Although there's a degree of the dramatic in just about every tween girl, some friends are more Academy Award-worthy than others. If your daughter is tired of a BFF who makes a production out of every little thing, advise her to wait until her BFF isn't in the middle of a tragic performance and ask her to simply talk to her the next time she feels a soap-operatic moment coming on. Not participating in the drama or even being an audience for it works too-along with "I like it a lot better when we're not always running to the restroom in crisis." If your daughter is the drama queen, some help with choosing battles, more appropriate ways to get needed attention, and dealing with boredom (one of the chief causes of keeping things stirred up) is in order.

The green-eyed monster

Nothing wreaks havoc on a relationship like jealousy, and yet as insecure as fragile tween girls can be, it's no wonder it rears its ugly head so often. If your daughter is the jealous type, help her admit it and shine some light on the damage it's doing. Usually, jealousy comes out of "not feeling as good as...," so remind her of her great individual qualities and stunning talents. Demonstrate how to turn "I wish that happened to me" into a compliment, a congratulations, if not even a celebration. "I really wanted that, but if I couldn't have it, I'm glad you got it because you're totally the best."

"When my friends were trying to make me choose between them, my mom gave me suggestions on how to handle the situations when they happened and sympathized with me when I went through a downtime afterwards. Mostly she helped me understand why we all did what we did."

age 11 If it's attention being paid to other girls that's the problem, coach her in being honest and in asking for what she needs. "I get kinda nervous when I see you hanging out with other kids because I'm afraid you'll like them better and it won't be the same with us. Is that lame?" Should the BFF be the green-eyed one, helping your daughter see where she might be coming from will lead her to the obvious: "I really like that new girl, but that doesn't mean you and I are not still Best Friends FOREVER!"

Cloning

We talked before about how natural it is for tween girls to want to look, talk, walk, laugh, and snort just like their friends-all part of the necessity of belonging. When that goes too far-a phone call every morning to find out what "they" are wearing-it can be incredibly annoying for the copied one, leading to snapping or an outright "You are just a copycat!" in the middle of science class. Cloners can be urged to compliment verbally rather than dress identically and to find their uniqueness. Clone-ees can point out how much they love the differences between them. If that doesn't stop the identity theft, she can try a kind, honest "When you always copy me, I get annoyed. I love you, but yikes! We need a different plan."

Worthless words

This one covers a lot of territory: unkept promises betrayed secrets 24/7 complaining exaggerations of the truth (to make a better story) saying more than needs to be said just plain lying "I know probably all moms say this, but it really stuck with me when mine taught me: If you don't have something nice to say say nothing at all. Whenever I find myself in a bad situation, it just seems to help."

age 12 It's hard sometimes to figure out who's the guilty party here since it takes two to pull most of them off. I love to see girls make a written pledge to each other to be careful with their words, listing specific things from the list that they particularly need to work on. They also like having a physical mouth-stopper, like slapping their hand over their own lips when they feel tempted to spill a secret or make a critical remark (even though saying it is guaranteed to get a laugh). If your daughter really is on the innocent end of a relationship in which a friend consistently lies or breaks promises, ask her if that's a friend she needs to keep.

Dealing with rejection

Somewhere in the mix of fun and growth and pure satisfaction, there is bound to be some rejection in your tween daughter's relationship experiences. That can be anything from not getting invited to that one birthday party, to constantly being left out of everything. Your importance as Mom is never more important than at those times. Again, you can't take away the pain. Nor can you turn it immediately into "Okay, you've learned something. Now you can move on." In between is that thing almost no one but you can provide: unconditional love and absolute acceptance. No small thing, since that is exactly what she's lost, at least temporarily, out there in Tweenland. What does that love look like?

If she's lost a friend or a group, whether by their choice or hers, let her grieve for a while. Depending on the girl, that can be a few hours or a week. If mourning goes on for longer than two weeks, she needs more help from you in getting things into perspective. Once she's past the I'11-never-have-friends-again point, you can talk about what might have gone wrong, focusing on improving the flubs she might have committed rather than on how heinous those little wenches are. Pray together, so she knows that God is there for her in this traumatic-to-her time. Don't let her give up or avoid things because her former friend is there. Help her take back the power to be herself. Tell her she's brave and worth being friends with. She might roll her eyes, but she's hearing you, and eventually she'll believe you. If you don't see her making new friends within a few weeks, go on to the next paragraph.

If she doesn't seem to be able to make friends, keep it positive, avoiding both what she's doing "wrong" (or she would have friends) and what everybody else is doing "wrong" (or they wouldn't be missing how utterly cool she is, which you as her mother can plainly see). Ask her what she wants in a friend. Have her make a list of people she'd actually like to have friendships with (as opposed to just being "in"). Ponder together how she could start a conversation with one of them, in a way that's real (see page 76, Girl Politics, for specific suggestions).

If you get "I already tried that! They all hate me!" ask her exactly what kind of reaction she gets when she tries to talk to someone. That may give you information on what's really going on-she's a little pushy, she gets nervous and clams up, she's picked out the biggest RMG in the class to start with. Just don't say, "Well, there's your trouble!" Most of those things are the result of anxiety. When she gets more comfortable with herself-which you can help her do using section one-the fear will dissipate and she won't be obnoxious or timid. It's so hard for you to admit to those things in your child; think how much harder it would be for that to be brought to her attention.

If there really are no other girls in her realm of experience that she can be friends with, try widening the experience. Is she participating in outside activities she's really interested in? There will be other girls there who share the same passion, and common interest is a great starting place for tween relationships. Be careful that she doesn't isolate herself just to keep from being hurt some more. Above all, keep your own fear out of it. If she senses that you're stressing that oh-my-gosh-what-if-she-never-makes-a-friend, she'll take that on, making her even less likely to relax with her fellow tweens. If you are truly worried about her, talk to her teacher and other adults who observe her with her peers and see what insights you might gain.

The girl who's doing fine!

You might have skimmed down the page to this point if your daughter seems perfectly well-adjusted socially and is, in fact, the leader in her circle of friends or a part of the group everybody envies. It's hard not to be kind of proud of that, and you should be-if you know she's living out "love God/love your neighbor/love yourself." Just because she's popular doesn't mean she's clique-y It just means that her temptations and issues are different from those of the tween who struggles to be accepted. She is the one those girls want to be accepted by-and she needs her mom's wisdom too.

So-check to see that your sought-after daughter's circle of friends is a peer group, not a clique. If you're surprised to find that she and her BFFs are exclusive and careless with people's feelings just because they can get away with it (because they're pretty, smart, well dressed, and strong willed), observe her more closely to determine, honestly, what's driving her. Under all that "leadership" is there some lurking insecurity? Is attention her real motive? Are things out of her control elsewhere and she needs to find it someplace in her life? (There's a divorce in the works? Another sibling in trouble and exhausting the family's emotional reserves?) Or-and this one's a toughie for you-has she been given her own way so much, she only feels normal when she's the boss of everything? In some cases she's been told all her little life how wonderful she is, and she holds in contempt anyone who doesn't see it that way. Bottom line: Even if she knows intellectually and even deep in her heart that the way she treats her peers is wrong, to do otherwise now might cost her something that feels pretty good-and which keeps her from being the girl who's mistreated. You may be the only person who can convince her otherwise-because you're the one who's going to love her if she falls from grace in Tweenland.

Are you exhausted just thinking about all this? Unplug for a minute (or fifteen) and touch bases with yourself. Because when her friendships flub-and they will-you're the one she'll come running to. Be ready.

Bridging the Gap

Loving God, Creator of connections and the joy they bring, thank you for all that makes loveable. In these often-troubling years as she's learning how to love all whom you have made, please bridge the gap between what I know about people loving people and what she needs to make a part of her very self. I ask this in the name of our only pure example, your Son our Savior. Amen.

10.

When It Gets Ugly

I shudder at the mean voice. quail before the evil eye, As they pile on the guilt, stockpile angry slander.

Psalm 55:3 She is having such a difficult time with girls at school. I just don't remember girls being that mean when I was her age.

Mother of a tween Evidently, the following are tween crimes that need to be punished: being new not having enough self-confidence having too much self-confidence being something-other-than-white being white being something-other-than-Christian being too Christian having a physical challenge speaking your mind being smart being "dumb"

* having a hobby not having a cell phone using big words using the wrong words being shy being loud having red hair...

The list goes on. So does the punishment. If a tween girl commits any of the above-and who doesn't at some point during tweenhood?-she's subject to sentencing by somebody-or a group of somebodies-who considers those behaviors "not normal." Those somebodies are the RMGs. The Really Mean Girls. The Bullies.

The tween girl-bully has a precise job description: (1) set your sights on a girl who's sensitive, "different," unsure, independent, unique, or in any way doesn't fit what you have decided is acceptable; (2) take that girl down; take away her power to be herself, deliberately using whatever social, verbal, emotional, mental, or physical techniques you can get away with.

Ask any tween girl, and she can tell you what those techniques are- She does things just to make other people feel less than she is; she has to be on top at all times.

She shows open dislike for people she thinks are beneath her.

She tries to get other people to shun her target, leaving the bullied girl isolated and alone.

She can act like she cares but only uses that to get what she wants.

She usually has a group of "friends" working with her (or for her).

She refuses to accept responsibility when she hurts people; you will never hear her say she's sorry, probably because she isn't.

She does her dirty work when adults aren't around; teachers often think she's perfectly lovely.

And what does that dirty work look like?

Threatening her target's other friendships, if not ripping them away completely.

Spreading vicious rumors (not just gossip).

Taunting (not just teasing).

Using threatening looks and gestures.

Intimidating her target via phone calls, texts, or the Internet.

Threatening her with physical harm.

Actually causing physical harm (hitting, biting, kicking, spitting).

Damaging or destroying her target's belongings.

Using offensive names or code names in her presence.

Writing graffiti about her in common areas (the stalls in the girls' restroom being a favorite).

"Rating" girls and putting her at the bottom.

Building an alliance against her.

If you compare the list of "crimes" with the list of techniques and dirty work (the punishments), the results are more than a little disturbing, don't you think? A girl chews with her mouth open or comes from a mixed-race family or memorizes poems-so she has to put up with rumors and name-calling and threats against the very core of who she is? Most people would agree that is absolutely heinous. And those same people can tell you about the bullying they received, participated in, or witnessed back in the day. It's been a part of the youth scene since Cain clobbered Abel over the head, they say. They're right. Where they go wrong is when they insert the word normal. "Bullying's bad, but it's a 'normal' part of growing up."

Just because something happens consistently doesn't make it acceptable. Illegal drug use goes on all the time too, but it isn't "normal," "okay," or "just part of growing up." Peer abuse leaves emotional scars that significantly shape the way a young person thinks about relationships-and what is more important to a tween girl than her friendships with her peers? What, in fact, is her tweenhood about if not the building of skills for getting along with people and forming bonds? It doesn't take much to see how bullying behavior can distort a girl's view of people for the rest of her life. It's not just momentary pride that's hurt, but long-range trust. Security. Self-esteem. Beyond all of that, if it's happening to your own daughter, if she's involved in deliberate meanness in any way, it's impossible for you as her mother to see it as "normal."

If she hasn't been unfortunate enough to be at the pointy end of girl cruelty, the chances are good that she'll at least witness it before she enters high school. The Journal of Pediatrics published a study in which 25 percent of the children surveyed said bullying was a significant problem for them.1 Many of them felt they had to avoid situations they might otherwise have participated in, such as sports, to avoid potential abuse. In that same study 45 percent of tween girls said they had been cyber bullied, which is the use of any electronic device to intimidate another person.

Things have also gotten physical. CDC (Centers for Disease Control) data shows that during a school year 8.5 percent of female students are involved in a physical fight on school property.2 We aren't just talking about inner city or alternative schools for "at risk" kids. All of our kids are at risk for bullying.

These statistics are about real soccer-playing, school-attending tween girls whose worst problem should be little brothers reading their diaries. Not a week goes by that I don't receive an email from a precious child whose heart has been shattered by a pack of RMGs.