She's being bullied. Deliberate attacks on her by her peers-verbally, physically, mentally-are a serious situation. So much so that I've devoted a full chapter to bullying of all kinds. If you know this is happening to your daughter, you might want to skip to chapter 10 right now-it's that important.

From the Ultimate Parent

In Girl Politics workshops, I often take tweens through 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. When we substitute "true friendship" for "love," the comprehension is visible in their body language.

"True friendship doesn't want what it doesn't have." Gulp.

"True friendship doesn't keep score of the sins of others." Squirm.

"True friendship doesn't revel when others grovel." Blush.

I'm quick to assure them that if 1 Corinthians 13 doesn't describe their friendships right now, they are not losers. It's the perfect time to say, "Okay, Mini-women, this is some of the hardest stuff you'll ever face, but it's going to be SO worth it when you get some skills down."

Help with those skills, I tell them, is right there in the gospel. Jesus talks constantly about relationships.

"You're blessed when you care," he says in the Beatitudes. "At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for" (Matthew 5:7).

Later in that sermon, he instructs them: "If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right" (Matthew 5:23-24).

I've always wondered if Jesus gave us the following snippet because he knew if we remembered nothing else we might take this away: "Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then...do it for them" (Matthew 7:12, emphasis mine).

Those being but a few of the passages Jesus offers, I think it's appropriate to say that the Bible is a guide to all the stuff that goes on with girls (any of us, actually). As the tweens and I dig in, I give them the summary of the law-quoted at the beginning of this chapter-as a foundation: Love God.

Love your neighbor.

Love yourself.

You're already following that, I assure them.

You may be going to church and Sunday school and reading the Bible and having your own quiet time, which means you're getting to know GOD better-even if the sermons are too long or your mom makes you wear something lame to the worship service.

Having friends is, like, the most important thing in life right now, and you spend a lot of time on the phone and giggling in corners and going to sleepovers, which means you're getting to know OTHER PEOPLE (AKA your neighbor) better.

You're finding out whether you would rather play soccer or take dance or paint your dad's toenails while he's asleep, which means you're getting to know YOURSELF better.

See? You know what this is all about, I explain-while they're settling back down after the "dad's toenails" comment. You don't have to memorize 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 like a checklist of friendship rules. "When you love others," we read in Romans (13:8-10), "you complete what the law has been after all along...You can't go wrong when you love others."

So when you're about to make a friend decision, I tell them, just ask yourself this: Does this show love for God, for the other person, AND for my true, honest self?

That's what I tell them. If you tell them that too, perhaps they really can change the world the way they dream of doing.

Test Your Own Waters

You can hear it comin', can't cha? You know I'm going to suggest that you look at the way you model friendship skills for your daughter through your dealings with your BFFs. But, hey, remember that (a) this shouldn't come in the form of self-flagellation and (b) it always turns out you're doing a much better job than you've given yourself credit for. Realizing what you're doing right will insure that you'll do it even more.

Let's make it easier with some specific questions. Shall we start with your hubby?

Can you and he differ in opinion without losing connection?

Can you make a mistake without fear of losing his respect?

Can you agree to disagree-no grudges or silence?

How about the aftermath of friendships that have caused you pain? (Do I need to mention that your tween hasn't missed that?) Do you suffer "well"?

Do you harbor resentment?

Find it hard to let things go?

Bad-mouth people who've hurt you-forever and ever amen?

And with your current BFFs? You might want to do the self-assessment the girls take in the "Talking Trash or Talking Treasure?" workshop: Have you ever said- "I don't mean to talk about her, but..."

"Let me just tell you what she said to me!"

"And she goes no, and I'm all, what?" (or some facsimile thereof).

"She's such a ." (The name doesn't have to be obscene to be "trash.") "If I wasn't a Christian, what I would have said to her was .

"I'm not entirely sure this is true, but I don't doubt it..."

None of us is a perfect friend. It's the intention to get close that makes for great relationships. Go in that direction, and your daughter will be right behind you.

Going for It

"I have had two really horrible happenings when friends were really really horrible. My mom helped meget through it. She comforted me and loved me and helped me act like Jesus."

That statement by one of my twelve-year-old blogging buddies pretty much sums it up. A mom's job is to provide emotional safety for her daughter in the midst of girl politics-not to make them go away. Eliminate her chances to sort through and work out and ponder over, and you make off with her learning opportunities. The learning, however, can be painful, and helping her benefit from the pain is where you come in.

Your role can be anything from helping her come up with detailed plans for approaching a problem to simply saying, "You look a little bummed. Wanna talk about it?" In fact, your first step is to ask your tween daughter how much she wants you involved. You might not even have to ask if you already know that she's been I-want-to-do-it-myself independent since she could crawl, or if she tends to be uncertain and hold back. Still, I'd give her a chance to say, "I could really use your help with this," or "I think I want to do this on my own." No matter what, at the very least you are her safety net, her sounding board, her provider of a shoulder and a hug and that infallible comforter, the cup of tea. (This is the perfect time for her to learn its benefits, with lots of milk and a teaspoon of honey.) The chances are good that your tween will want you to do or say something, so I thought you could use a few Do's and Don'ts, to be implemented according to her-and your-style.

Do

Know her friends and, whenever possible, their parents. You can be a lot more understanding if you know the people she's dealing with. Have you ever met a girl she's been complaining about and think to yourself, Oh, I get it now?

Make your home a place where your daughter and her friends can be themselves, have an appropriate degree of privacy, and enjoy being girls, but set boundaries in terms of both space and time that work for you, the boss of the house. You don't have to have wall-to-wall pink sleeping bags every weekend-unless, of course, you're nutty that way-in order to know what's going on without prying, but you'll know very little if your house is never the gathering place.

Listen to her woes all the way through before you respond. Use duct tape if necessary (on yourself, not her!). Sometimes just her saying it out loud is enough for her to clear her head so she can figure out what to do herself. This is definitely the case if she's an extrovert. She probably wants somebody to hear her just as much as she wants advice, if not more. "I know it sounds weird, but my mom has helped me pick out my invitation list for birthday parties! She's really helped me know who to have over more often, and who might be offended if I don't spend as much time with her, and who has invited me to HER house recently, and who really wouldn't care, and who I shouldn't hang out with, and if I've hurt anyone and how to fix it...the list goes on and on."

age 11 Empathize. A quick (emphasis on the "quick") story about your own experience with infuriating past friends can be validating, after she's told her story. Example: "I think I know what you're going through, because almost exactly that same thing happened to me when I was in fifth grade." Pause for an invitation to tell it. If you get one, hit the highlights. Otherwise, skip that part. (Needless to say, you won't want to regale her with details of your popularity in middle school at this point.) Encourage her to be honest with her friends, expressing her feelings in a positive way without fear. You can do that in a number of ways, from a simple, "Just say what you feel, babe. You have the perfect right to do that as long as you aren't ugly about it" to a role play so she can practice. "I wish my mom would understand that I need to be with just my friends sometimes-you know, without her around. I love her, but-really-"

age 12 Paint a picture for her (figuratively speaking) of what a good friendship should look like, so she can see what hers might need. You won't have to point out where hers "goes wrong." She'll see it once she has the big picture.

Help her see that if this one falls apart, there will be other friendships waiting in the wings. That doesn't mean saying, "Are you kidding? You can have any friend you want. Forget her!" It does mean the two of you wrapped in afghans, drinking hot chocolate, and agreeing that lost love is a bummer.

Don't

Minimize her pain. Yeah, you want her to feel better, but the only way out, as they say, is through. The healing is on the other side of the hurt. The comfort is in validation that this truly does stink.

Tell her exactly what to do. In the first place, you might not even know. Some of that girl drama is so complicated Dr. Phil couldn't figure it out. And seriously, the solution needs to be hers. You can help her come to it, but she'll be much better equipped next time (and there will be a next time) if she knows she's capable of solving problems herself-albeit with guidance.

Suggest cutting out as her first option. Some friendships really are a lost cause, but most deserve a solid try. Walking away at the first sign of trouble isn't a good pattern to form, for obvious reasons.

Tell her she's a quitter if she does decide to give up a friendship after a good attempt at reconciliation. Everybody needs to learn how to know when to hold 'em, and when to fold 'em. That's a far more important skill than how to put a nice face on a relationship that's toxic. Whether the friendship makes it or not, you have the perfect opening here to talk about forgiveness-what it is (letting go of I-wish-you-were-dead feelings) and what it isn't (what you did is okay and I'm going to let you do it to me again).

Intervene and try to solve the problem for her. No calling the other moms whose daughters are involved. No insisting that the teacher fix it. The only exception is if bullying is taking place that hasn't stopped via other means, which we'll talk about in chapter 10.

"My mom always said that, like, not all girls really know how to be friends, but you should be the best friend you can be to them."

age 11 That's it in general. In terms of specific friend situations that commonly come up, it might help both of you to know the direction to suggest if she really wants your advice. In Girl Politics workshops, we call this "Friendship Flubs and How to Fix Them."

The rumor tumor

From "I heard, from somebody who really knows, that she..." to "she" sobbing in the restroom (where all broken hearts end up) usually takes less time than a good manicure. But the repercussions can last an entire school year. To help her put a stop to her own part in this malignancy, take her through these steps: Find out if it's true, by going straight to the source or using common sense.

2. If the answer is no, simply stop it right here. Refuse to pass it on. Change the subject.

If the rumor is true, ask yourself if it will help the person it's about to tell someone else.

If the answer is no, stop it right there.

If the answer is yes, go to the person who can help, usually an adult, and never the entire sixth-grade class.

A visual diagram of the above is found on page 45 of Girl Politics. Some other words of wisdom from you could include: If people gossip TO you, they'll probably gossip ABOUT you.

A person who gossips CAN'T keep a secret.

Don't be the person who can't be trusted.

Notice that none of those tells her directly what to do. She can-and will-get that, and she'll build confidence in her integrity at the same time.

The boots and the doormat

One friend always gets her way (in our house we called that B.O.S.S.Y., although why we spelled it out, I'm not sure...), while the other consistently gives in. If your daughter is the doormat, saying, "You have to stop letting her walk all over you" isn't going to help. If she could do that, she would have by now. It's time to teach her about being assertive-saying what she needs, wants, or thinks in a firm, polite way, so she and the boots can make decisions together.

The clique trick