I grabbed the back of a chair to steady myself. "Counsel with me! Oh, Lord, Hazel Marie. What if LuAnne was so mad that she told Emma Sue her suspicions after we left? You know it would only take a few hints for Emma Sue to think I needed some counseling. What am I going to do?"

Hazel Marie came over and put an arm around me. "You don't know what she wants, Miss Julia. It could be something else entirely. But if LuAnne has talked, then you do what you always tell me to do. You hold your head up and keep your own counsel. You don't need any from anybody else."

"Well, but," I said, "what if she asks me straight out if Sam and I are married? What if she tells me we're living in sin? And you know she'll tell the pastor, and then he'll preach a sermon on the moral depravity of the age, complete with examples and case histories, and by that time everybody'll know who he's talking about. Call Emma Sue, please, Lillian, and tell her I'm sick."

"Too late," Lillian said, leaning across the sink to peer out the window. "She jus' pull in, come to pick you up, so you go on an' get it over with."

"Lillian's right," Hazel Marie said, but with a frown of concern on her face. "You'll just worry yourself really sick, if you put it off. Because you know Emma Sue won't give up. She'll be after you and after you, so go on and don't admit to anything."

I straightened up, took a deep breath, and got my backbone up. "All right, if I have to. But what I want to know is, where is Sam when I need him? Gone, that's where, and here I am having to deal with this mess by myself. Maybe I really don't have a husband if this is the way it's going to be."

And I went back out the door to meet Emma Sue, leaving Hazel Marie and Lillian staring after me in shock.

By the time I was seated at the table in Emma Sue's breakfast nook, I had myself girded for battle. Nothing was worse than being counseled, which just meant somebody wanted to tell you what you're doing wrong. And I wasn't going to have it. Wasn't going to listen to it, wasn't going to cry and confess and promise to do better. I was already doing the best I could, and that would have to suffice.

Emma Sue was behind the counter, throwing her tuna salad together, talking and talking about any and everything to cover her nervousness. She wasn't finding it so easy to confront a sinner with her sin, with the sinner sitting right there waiting for lunch.

"Here we go," she said, setting plates onto our place mats. She slid into her chair and shook out a napkin. "Now, Julia, I want you to know that my heart is truly burdened for you, and anything you tell me will go no further. Well, of course, I'll lay it before the Lord, but I mean I won't tell anybody else."

"This looks lovely, Emma Sue," I said, poking my fork into the tuna salad that rested on a lettuce leaf.

"Oh, my goodness," she said, jumping up and going around the counter to the kitchen. "I forgot the tomatoes. It's too early for good ones, but I just got these yesterday and they look pretty good."

"Most of the out-of-season ones are as hard as a rock inside," I said, putting down the fork to wait for my hostess. "If they can put a man on the moon, I don't see why they can't grow decent tomatoes."

"I don't, either," Emma Sue agreed, slapping down a plate of sliced tomatoes and resuming her seat. "But have some, anyway. And eat, Julia, you don't have to wait for me."

I took a bite of the salad. Not bad, but not Lillian's. Too much mayonnaise, for one thing. And it was Miracle Whip, and not Hellmann's, for another. "Delicious, Emma Sue."

"There's plenty more, so eat all you want. Now, Julia, I have to get this off my chest, because if there's anything I can do to help, I want to do it."

"I appreciate that," I said, hoping I was being noncommittal, while inside I was seething at the thought of LuAnne spreading her unconfirmed suspicions. "But everything that can be done is already being done, so it's best to just leave it as it is."

"But Julia, you can't do that! It behooves us all to be up and doing all the time, putting on the whole armor of God, of course, beforehand. And it's not like you to just let things slide. You've got to get it straightened out."

"There's nothing I'd like better, but some things can't be hurried along." I ate some more tuna salad. "Emma Sue, do you think we could have a few crackers or a piece of bread with this?"

"Oh, my goodness, I forgot." Up she jumped again to bring a basket of crackers to the table. "I am so upset over this, I don't half know what I'm doing."

"It's all right. I appreciate your concern, but believe me, you don't need to be upset. As soon as Sam gets back, it'll all be worked out. If," I continued with some asperity, "he ever gets back. And I really wish you wouldn't say anything about this to anybody."

Emma Sue's eyes got big, and she leaned across the table. "You're going to bring Sam into it?"

"Why, yes. Who else would I bring?"

"You mean-" Emma Sue's voice got lower and more intense. "You mean, that Sam's involved?"

"Well, Emma Sue, of course he is."

"Oh," she said, slumping back into her chair. "Then it's worse than I thought. I thought you'd just had a little misunderstanding, and a few words to the wise would put things right. And some prayer, of course."

"Believe me, it's not just a little misunderstanding. It's more like a major upheaval of my life." What was the woman thinking? It seemed to me that the unsettled state of my marriage was a crisis of the first magnitude.

"Well, of course you've known each other for a long time," Emma Sue said, "and it's not easy to deal with a falling-out."

I frowned at her. "A falling-out? I wouldn't go that far, although we certainly aren't as close as we have been." I thought of Sam sleeping upstairs, while I tossed and turned alone downstairs. "But that seemed the best way to proceed under the circumstances."

"Well, see, that's just it," Emma Sue said, as if I'd just expressed some insight into the problem. "You need to be closer. Much closer."

I smiled. "That's what he says."

"Who?"

"Why, Sam. He would agree with you completely."

Emma Sue suddenly found her silverware of immense interest, moving around the spoon and lining up the knife with the edge of the place mat. "Julia," she said with a sudden catch in her voice. Her face reddened, and her hand began to tremble. "I thought you were just at cross-purposes over some little something, and I could help you get back together. But-but if Sam's involved-oh my goodness, Julia-you have to talk to Larry and do it without delay. I had no idea it was this bad."

My head snapped up and I glared at her. Larry Ledbetter was the last person I'd take my marital problems to, because I knew what he'd say. As a dyed-in-the-wool fundamental Presbyterian preacher, he would insist on an immediate remarriage with families and witnesses present, along with public proclamations. And he'd do everything he could, including applying to the presbytery, to make it retroactive to cover the probable lapse from grace when we thought we'd been married, and acted accordingly.

"It is pretty bad, Emma Sue, but at this point, not bad enough to disturb the pastor with something that we can work out ourselves." I cut into a slice of tomato and pushed it around my plate, wondering how I could change the subject. "By the way, did the club decide on a summer reading list?"

"I don't give a flip about a summer reading list!" Emma Sue threw her napkin across her plate. "How can you sit there and worry about reading, when you've just shocked me to the core! You, of all people! I don't know how you can be so calm. Why, it's just . . . it's, well, I can't even think about it, much less talk about it." And the tears began gushing out of her eyes. "Oh, Julia," she sobbed, covering her face with her hands. "I didn't know you had this burden. I'll pray for you, that's all I can do. It just breaks my heart."

I knew this would happen. I just knew it. And now I had to deal with it. "Emma Sue, listen, we went into it with the best of intentions. We had no idea what we were getting into, and my conscience is as clear as a bell on that point. And when Sam gets back, everything will be straightened out and we'll take up where we left off."

Emma Sue sprang from her chair with such force that the chair fell backward. Her face was streaked with tears and blotched with outrage. "How could you? How could you even want to take up where you left off? The idea! I can't even conceive of Sam and LuAnne together, much less involved! It's sickening and disgusting and-and I don't know what all. And at their age!"

I sprang from my chair, too. "What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about. Open marriages may be the thing in big cities, but I never in my life thought that you would condone such outright sin."

I collapsed into my chair, and raised my head to heaven. "Emma Sue, you need help."

Chapter 27.

It took me forever to convince Emma Sue that Sam was not involved with LuAnne in any carnal way, either with or without my knowledge and approval. It was all I could do to get it across because neither of us could bring ourselves to speak in plain words. Emma Sue had already suffered all the shocks she could stand. And while we talked about something neither of us could come out and say, it was taking me a mighty effort to shut out the picture she'd brought to mind of Sam and LuAnne. Well, I refused to think about it. But Emma Sue had, and not only thought about it, but had leapt on it.

In my effort to set her straight, I came just short of admitting what was really burdening my soul. Namely, that Sam and I had biblically known each other in a dubious state of matrimony, and that LuAnne didn't have a thing to do with it, except get mad at me for turning down an invitation.

"Oh, Julia," Emma Sue said, crying now in relief. "I'm so glad that you're not involved in such carnal activities."

"Not even remotely," I said, with some regret.

"But, you see, I was just so concerned at the way you and LuAnne avoided each other at the book club, and those sharp words going back and forth, well, all I could see were two longtime friends on the outs. But then when you mentioned Sam, I guess I just jumped to conclusions."

"I guess you did."

"But see, I thought if I could get you to apologize to her, you'd both get over whatever caused the spat in the first place."

That stung. "I'm not the one who needs to apologize," I snapped. "LuAnne is who you should be talking to, because it would do her a world of good to have some counseling. Talk about jumping to conclusions! She is the world's worst, and I don't know why you think I'm to blame for her behavior this morning. She's the one who flew off the handle and got mad and tried to get even by starting rumors and airing her anger in public." I took a deep breath and steamed for a while. "In fact, I think I handled myself with commendable restraint at the book club and, if you but noticed, here in your kitchen when you accused me of condoning morally indefensible behavior. If anybody's owed an apology, it's me."

"Oh, Julia, I do apologize. I really do. I don't know why I thought . . . Well, it just came into my mind, unwanted and unbidden."

"What books have you been reading?"

"None, Julia! I promise I haven't. Nor magazines, either." She stopped short and a look of wonder passed across her face. "I know where I got the idea! It was those magazine covers in the checkout line at the grocery store. They had all these titles of articles on how to please your mate and what to do when he suggests things you don't want to do and how you can rejuvenate your marriage and whet his appetite."

"Whet his appetite! Lord help us, Emma Sue. I'd think that'd be the last thing a woman would want." I couldn't help but think of Sam and his zealous activities.

"Well," she said, somewhat abashed as color flooded her face, "you haven't been married as long as I have. This time, anyway."

"You can say that again," I said, and thought, hardly at all.

Emma Sue reached out with her hand and put it on mine. "I am truly sorry, Julia. Please forgive me, and tell me what I can do to help mend your friendship with LuAnne."

I moved my hand and pushed back my plate with most of the now-soggy tuna salad staring back at me. "Don't do anything, Emma Sue. This is something that has to run its course. I appreciate your concern, but if you give her a hint of what you hit me in the face with a while ago, she will never get over it. Misunderstandings are LuAnne's stock in trade, and you don't want it spread all over town that you've allowed yourself to be tantalized by magazine covers at the supermarket."

She reared back in shock at the thought. "Oh, goodness no! Would she do that?"

"LuAnne will tell everything she knows, thinks, or suspects. So, a word to the wise, Emma Sue. Don't believe anything she says. And you know I think the world of her."

There, I thought. Maybe I'd made an end run around LuAnne's doubts about my marriage.

"Now, Emma Sue," I went on, thinking this was as good a time as any since I had now taken the high road. "I'd like to ask your opinion about something."

"Oh, yes, Julia, I wish you would." She stopped and thought for a minute. "You know, I don't think you've ever asked my opinion about anything before. So I'm truly honored. What is it?"

"I want to know what you think about signs."

She frowned. "What kind of signs? Are you coming down with something?"

"For goodness sake, Emma Sue. Signs from the Lord! That's what I'm talking about."

"Oh, that kind. Well, you know I believe in them. There's the rainbow, for instance, and Gideon's fleece, although we're not supposed to test the Lord. All we're supposed to do is recognize his leading. Why, I couldn't get through the day without watching for signs to guide me in my every endeavor."

"Well, but what are they? What form do they take, and how can you tell if they're from the Lord or just something that happens? I mean, what if you were cooking supper and it burned? Would that be a sign that the Lord didn't want you to eat it, or would it just mean that you talked too long on the telephone?"

"Well, let me see. First off, in that case, the Lord would probably be telling me to keep my mind on what I'm doing and stay off the phone when I'm cooking. Though that's hard to do when it keeps ringing like it does here. But I don't think he'd necessarily be telling me not to eat it. If it's not too burned, anyway. He'd just be showing me the consequences of taking my hand off the plow. So to speak." She paused and thought some more. "I'm not sure that qualifies as a sign. You do have to be in a constant state of prayer, Julia, so you'll be open to recognizing and interpreting a sign. Not just anybody can do it."

"I think I'm one of those."

"Probably so," she agreed with great solemnity. "I've long been concerned about your spiritual condition, Julia, but you can easily rectify that. As I said, you need to be in a constant state of prayer. Then you'll begin to see signs everywhere you look and know that the Lord is guiding you."

It didn't sit well with me to hear her voice concerns about my spiritual condition, but I sucked in my breath and persevered in my quest to determine what qualified as a sign and what didn't.

"Well, I don't know how to do that, Emma Sue," I said. "It seems to me that you wouldn't get anything done if you were stuck somewhere praying all the time. I know I wouldn't. And I admit that there are hours and hours of the day when I don't think of the Lord at all. Too busy holding onto the plow of everyday life, I guess."

"Well, see, that's your problem. And I don't mean that you have to have your head bowed and your eyes closed all the time. You just have to have a prayerful attitude."

"I think I have that. Maybe not all the time, but every now and then. But, Emma Sue, can't the Lord give a sign to somebody who's just doing the best she can, even if she's a little on the lax side about praying?"

"Oh, absolutely. And it ought to shake you up something awful to have the Lord reach down out of the blue and show you what he wants you to do. You know, when you're not expecting it and haven't been praying for it."

"Then maybe mine qualifies, because I've really been shaken up."

"I wish you'd tell me what it is, Julia. I could be ever so much more help if I knew just what is concerning you. All that cooking and burning you brought up wasn't much of an example."

"I know, but I can't tell you exactly, Emma Sue. If it is a sign, then it's between the Lord and myself. But let's try this. Say you took a certain step, and took it in good faith and with a clear conscience, and it wasn't a step that no one else had ever taken before, by any means. And you took it after long consideration and a good deal of prayer, and when it came down to it, you did it without any hesitation or doubts as to its benefits and advantages."

I was stretching things here, because I'd married Sam in an almighty rush, ignoring all my doubts and hesitations. But now those doubts and hesitations had come back tenfold, because it looked as if the Lord was trying to get my attention. Why else would one catastrophe after another be befalling me? And why else was I suddenly being given the option again of staying single? And if that option constituted a sign from the Lord, I certainly wanted to know it.

But I wasn't about to give Emma Sue all the particulars.

She frowned, willing me to go on by the intensity of her gaze. "And . . . ?"

"And, what if after you took the step, you discovered that it wasn't a step at all, but a misstep. Would that misstep be a sign that you ought to take the step again and take it right, or would it mean that you shouldn't have taken the step in the first place?"

If Emma Sue had frowned any deeper, her face might've never straightened out. She worked her mouth back and forth, rubbing her hand across her chin and never took her eyes off me. "Julia, have you joined that new health club in town?"

"What?"

"Because, if you have, I can assure you that the Lord wants us to take care of our bodies, and exercise is one way to do it. Just because you hurt something by stepping wrong doesn't mean he wants you to quit." Her face cleared, as she gave her interpretation of my sign. "Don't worry about a thing. You just keep right on taking those steps. They're good for you. Just be careful about missteps-you can really damage something that way."

I sat there, stunned at her literalness; then I gathered myself and stood up. "I better be getting back, Emma Sue. I hope you don't mind running me home, or I could call Hazel Marie to come for me."

"No, no, don't do that. I'll take you. I would suggest that you walk for the exercise," she said, smiling to show that she didn't mean it, "but I guess with a sore foot-or is it your ankle?-you ought to stay off of it for a while."

"You're right, Emma Sue." And I purposefully limped off to her car, thanking her for lunch and the counseling session, all the time praying that she wouldn't begin thinking of my last example and come up with another interpretation closer to the truth.

Chapter 28.

"Lillian," I said, walking into the kitchen after thanking Emma Sue for the ride, and plopping down my pocketbook. "You couldn't get a straight answer out of Emma Sue Ledbetter if you tied her to a tree. And I just wanted to know one thing. Is the Lord telling me something or not?"