I sighed. Why does everybody keep telling me this? "Why?"

"You lost one year of your memories, Ryder. We've been telling you who Astrid was in your life and how much you loved her. I get that you don't know her now, and you don't trust her. But even then... you should have trusted us."

They were right. They were all right! Even Jake warned me I was going to regret this.

I underestimated the degree of my feelings for Astrid. Darned! I didn't even know I was capable of falling in love.

I always thought I was not going to marry for love. I thought, I would find a woman that is... suitable. And then I will marry her, have kids with her and be a happy father. I will be a good husband. It's a give and take relationship. She's faithful to me, there is no reason for me to play around. Plus, I know how kids feel when their parents go on separate ways. I've been there. I wouldn't want my kids to go through that.

I wasn't expecting Astrid to happen. That I would find someone that I can drown myself to. I didn't know I would feel so strongly for a woman, that the sight or even the thought of another man touching her will boil my blood, and make me abandon reason.

I never knew I could go to bed with a woman and would want to hold her until morning. That I could forever drown in the scent of her. That only one night of sleeping with her in my arms would make the other nights without her unbearable.

Whatever pieces of Astrid that I recalled from the past year is just enough for me to know that she's the woman I've been looking for. My match. The woman that I needed.

Damn! I hurt her!

For the past few days, Astrid has been in my thoughts every waking hour. When I go to bed at night, her memory lies down beside me. I wanted to see her smile and hear her laugh again. I wanted to hear her scream my name in bed again.

I wanted her to keep stocking up my fridge, and tell me where things are in my house. I wanted to open the front door of my house and she's the first thing that I would see.

But I threw all that away. I drove her away.

I hit the brakes of my car. I have been driving more than a hundred Ks an hour, not caring if I will hit something. Maybe I was tempting fate again. Maybe I wanted to get into another accident and hopefully hit my head so hard, the cloud that veils my memories of Astrid would be gone.

I don't know where I was or where I was going. I was driving without a destination or a purpose. In truth, I wanted to get away. If I go home, I know I will be restless knowing that she is just across the street from me. Ten bucks say I will not be able to resist for ten minutes. I will cross that street, break her friend's door and carry her to my house and no one will be able to stop me.

But she needs some space right now. And I need to think. I need to... I don't know... strategize!

I stopped the car on the side of the road and took deep breaths.

I realized that I don't need to regain my memories to know that I am in love with Astrid. Because even now, with all these holes and missing puzzle pieces in my head, I still want to be with her. And I want her to love me back. I want her to forget what an ogre I have been to her the past few months.

I didn't tell her that I remembered a little bit of her. I should have. But I didn't. I want her to know that with or without my stupid amnesia, we can still work. We can still be together and I can still make her happy.

Well, congratulations for a job well done, Ryder! I thought angrily. I messed up my chances yet again.

I don't know when I will gain my memories back. There is a chance that I don't recover them at all. That's why I don't want her to keep loving the man I used to be... the man in my past. I want her to fall in love with this man in front of her now, and later realize that I'm still the same person. That nothing changed. And nothing will change between us.

This afternoon, when I reminded her that I'm still her boyfriend, a sense of joy and pride swept through me. I felt like I'm the luckiest guy in the world because she is mine.

I realized, I didn't want to change that. And no amount of amnesia can take Astrid away from me, or me from her.

I will make amends for everything that I did to her in the past. But for now, she has to forgive me. God, I was so stupid! Astrid has a good heart. All I needed to prove to her is how sorry I am about the way I acted and ask... or beg... for her to give me one more chance.

Because I love her.

There! I admit what my pride and my logical brain prevented me from admitting before. I don't know how but even without gaining back all my memories of her, I fell for her anyway.

And even if she doesn't accept that, I realized that she has to know at least. I cannot have her thinking that I only wanted her for a playmate. I may have forgotten her, but I'm still the man she fell in love with. And I will never use her or take advantage of her.

But how will I do this? She must freaking hate me right now!

I am not going to wait. I will tell her now. No guards. No masks. No prides.

Right now, she could be in her room, crying her heart out because of me again. No, I promised myself I will not hurt her anymore. She can do whatever she wants with what I am going to tell her. But I will say it to her anyway...

That I love her.

And if she chooses to start over... even without our memories together... I will make that chance count. Instead of waiting for me to regain my memories of her, we will just make new ones... happier ones.

I took a deep breath and I prayed for a little bit of luck. Looks like I was gonna need it. And then I shifted the gear to reverse and turned the car back around.

Ch

apter Thirty-Four

SOMETHING BORROWED:.

A bride must complete her outfit by wearing something that is not hers. Suggestions would be tiara, hair clips, gloves, jewelry and the list go on and on.

Astrid.

My heart pounded in my chest. But I know that I shouldn't panic. This is Bryan! He was one of my best friends before we decided to become more than friends. I know him. Once in his life, I loved him. And he loved me. He will never hurt me physically... or will he?

"Bryan..." I breathed. "Are you okay? You look... drunk."

He laughed. "Oh, I am more than that! And I like it!" His eyes gleamed with mischief and I got even more scared.

"Wha-what do you want?" I asked him, taking a step backward.

"Ha!" He sighed angrily. "You still don't know what I fucking want?" He took a step forward. "What's the matter, Astrid? Is your Prince Charming breaking your heart?"

"No..." I started.

"Liar!" He shouted. "I know everything, sweetheart!" He looked at me angrily. "Why do you put up with him? Why do you allow yourself to hurt over and over? You're erased from his memories. Accept that! Move on!"

I was shocked. My family didn't even know about Ryder's accident. How could Bryan know?

"How... how do you know that?" I breathed. Half of me wanted to know the answer, and the other half is thinking of a way out.

"Oh, little Astrid. I know! I know everything about you! I care for you! Ryder... just wants you for a playmate and has conveniently forgotten about you." He laughed. "You were heartbroken for months. You didn't even tell your family about his tragedy... well, now, it's more your tragedy! Because the only person being hurt by all this... is you." And he laughed, an evil laugh that made me want to smack his face, but I didn't want to provoke him.

"I don't... understand how you... knew all these." I whispered, taking a step back, and fidgeting at the table beside me, trying to get hold of something that I can use as a weapon against him, in case he decides to go psycho.

"Your young employee... Rose... she's a talker... especially after sex!" Then he laughed loudly.

And whatever control I have in my body, that was gone in an instant. I got so mad at him I couldn't help it. He's Geena's husband! How can he cheat on her like that?

"You son of a bitch!" I said to him angrily. "How could you cheat on Geena?"

He laughed. "You expect me to be faithful to her? I don't even love her. There was only one woman I could have been faithful to." He looked at me sadly.

"You weren't faithful to me!" I hit back.

"I would have been! If you threw me a bone! I have needs, Astrid! I'm a man. How could you have forgotten that? If... if you didn't... then we would have been married by now. I would have been happy! I would have made you happy! And you won't be here, eating your heart out because of him!"

I shook my head. "Don't pin this on me, Bryan. If you really loved me, you would have waited. Ryder would have waited. He was willing to. Because I was more important than anything else."

I saw wrath in his eyes. "Ryder, Ryder, Ryder! You worship him like a god and he doesn't even remember you! He even pulled out his investment on your business! He doesn't care! Now, here you are! Homeless! Where is he, Astrid? He walked out on you! I would have fought for you! I would not have given up so easily!"

Tears stung my eyes. I wanted to shout at him and deny everything he just said, but I know he was right. Ryder didn't remember me, and he didn't even care that I would be homeless after he pulled out his investment in my business.

My defenses crumbled for a minute. And Bryan saw that window. I hate it that somehow, he still knows me. He still knows when I am being weak or defensive. Or when I was lying.

In two long strides, he was able to close the gap between us. He grabbed my waist and pulled me to him.

"Forget Van Woodsen, Astrid! I'm here now! And I will never let you go again!" He said. His breath smells of alcohol, smoke and something else I could not place. Up close I could see just how red his eyes were and how his cheekbones were protruding, like he lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw him.

I watched in horror as his face descended towards mine. I took a deep breath, pulled back and used all my efforts to push him away. When his grip was still too tight, I started hitting frantically, scratching and screaming. For the first time, I realized that my pretty long nails have another useful purpose.

I got him on the cheek, he staggered back from the pain and that gave me a little room to get away. I ran behind the counter, putting some distance between us.

Bryan touched his cheek. It was bleeding a little bit from the scratches I gave him. But instead of getting mad, he only gave me an evil grin. The kind that says I actually turned him on rather than discouraged his advances.

"That's the Astrid I like! Feisty!" He said, starting for me again.

"Don't come any closer!" I shouted at him.

"That's impossible, sweetheart. I'm attached to you. You pull me a like a moth to a flame!" He took another step forward.

There were some figurines or plates in the counter, I didn't check to see exactly what. But I just kept throwing things at him, sending each piece shattering to the ground.

I hit him hard on the shoulder. He stared back at me, his eyes narrowing from the pain. "That's it! You'll regret that!" And he lunged forward.

I ran, but he was too fast.

He grabbed me by my waist and lifted me as if I weighed nothing. He dropped me hard on the counter. I whimpered from the pain as I felt my back hit the hard countertop. He held me there, pinning both my shoulders down.

"You thought you can fool me for a second? Really, Astrid? Van Woodsen was never your type! I know that! You never go for rich jocks! Even when you were in high school, you steer clear of popular kids! You always want out of the limelight. They all fell on your feet but you never entertained any of them! You didn't want guys with big egos and deep pockets! You have this stupid thing of wanting to be the center of a man's world. You wanted a man who thinks he has enough, as long as he has you!

I struggled to get away from him. But he leaned forward and pressed his body against mine to prevent me from escaping.

"I was that man, Astrid! Van Woodsen is the epitome of the guys you were avoiding ever since you were a teenager! You expect me to believe you are happy with him?"

I took a deep breath. "Ryder didn't have to be rich! I would love him even if he was poor! Because he is a hundred times the man you are, Bryan!"

"You whore! You made me wait years for nothing! And what? Van Woodsen had to wait one night to pop your cherry? You sold yourself to the highest bidder! How much?"

"You bastard!" I screamed and then I gathered all my remaining strength to kick my knee up to his crotch. He let go of me, backing away, feeling the pain.

I pulled myself up and ran to get some distance between us, but he was fast to recover. He pulled my hair and I screamed from the pain.

"You slut! You will pay for that!" He screamed. "I'm not waiting anymore! I will take what is rightfully mine! You don't know how sorry you will be after I'm through with you!" Without releasing my hair he pushed my head down with intense force.

I had no way of escaping that blow. I felt my head hit the counter top with a big thump. I wasn't even able to scream.

I fell to the floor. Barely conscious. I wanted to get up, and fight. I was afraid of what Bryan will do to me and I wasn't even awake to defend myself. I felt a warm gush of hot liquid on my forehead. There was a sharp pain on my wrist as I realized I landed on broken shards of glass.

I tried to push up, hoping that Bryan will not come for me yet. I needed a little more time to get back on my feet and fight him off, or at least try. I waited for him to haul me up, but somehow, he didn't come for me again. I heard his voice... shouting and cursing in the background. But my vision is blurring. The noises around me are slowly fading. And then I felt darkness taking over, and I realized in horror, that this could very well be the end.

Ryder.

In less than ten minutes, I reached our neighborhood. I was tempted to go home instead, but I looked across the street and realized that I cannot chicken out now. Every second I spend away from Astrid, just might be widening the gap between us.