Not ready yet. And he knows it.

We've come close. Lots of times.

Can't help but get turned on by him.

I'm not a frigging saint. But when we do, I want it to be for all the right **

reasons, and I won't know it's right until I get beyond all the wrongs.

563.

I'd Like to Say I'm over my addictions.

Not sure I ever will be completely.

It's good that Grandma **

is in the twelve-step program.

She doesn't keep alcohol in the house.

And, of course, the Oxy is gone.

I'll never do that stuff again.

The withdrawal is killer. Never again.

But I have to admit, I've smoked **

a little bud. Not that much.

I'd probably do more, but it's expensive.

And now it's cash-and-carry.

I still use food for comfort.

I still purge when I get too comfortable.

And once in a while, when **

memory intrudes, I still enjoy a good, deep shave. Oh, come on.

I never said I was perfect.

564.

When I Do Those Things When I use or purge or cut, I'm still not myself. Maybe I just use her as an excuse to do them, but I feel as if she takes over then. The only difference is, I'm aware of her. I never used to be.

I'm not sure if I will remember everything I did as Raeanne. I'm not sure I want to, though Carol thinks I need to try. And hey, I could always blame Daddy. He's my forever scapegoat, really. Okay, that's not so healthy. But totally healthy is something I might not ever be.

One thing for sure. I will break the abuse cycle. It stops with me.

My children will not live in fear.

I will create a home of nurture and love, and raise them safely there.

565.

And I'll Be Watching Watching her. Watching out for her. And if the time comes she needs complete escape, I.

will walk for her. Talk for her.

Take punishment in her place.

Some things don't need to be remembered. And I will hold on to those things for her.

Carol believes she can make me go away, and I'll pretend to let her do her job. But I will always be the strongest part of Kaeleigh, so I can't let her dispose of me.

I'll stay quiet, no more than a dark shadow inside. That's what I'll be.

A silhouette, rarely seen, and yet believed in. Kaeleigh wants to believe in me. I am her twin, forever alive inside her. And when she needs me, I am always here.

end.