One day I came over and walked in unannounced. I heard noise in the bathroom, so stumbled back to investigate, about three sheets in the wind. I was drunk but not too drunk to take in what was going on.

Your mother was gone, and your father was washing you. Only the way he was washing you was all wrong.

He was touching you in a sexual way, Kaeleigh. I confronted him, but he just laughed in my face.

"I'm a respected judge and you are nothing more than a disgusting drunk. Who would people believe?

556.

I.

could take you down, Mother.

Will take you down. You made me what I am. You and my father."

He ordered me to leave, and I did.

In fact, I ran. Forgive me, Kaeleigh.

I should have kept you safe.

Instead I drank even more to forget.

I drank until one day I looked in the mirror and saw death.

Getting sober once and for all wasn't easy. But I didn't want to die until I knew you were okay.

And I didn't want to come back into your life, needing Dewar's to cope with what I found.

557.

I Forgave Her She got sober for me. Besides, Daddy played the same card with me, and I believed him, too.

Anyway, Carol says the only way to get past all this is to forgive who I can. Confront, and forgive.

Easier said than done. I want to forgive Mom. But how can I when she won't say she's sorry, or even **

admit her role in this melodrama?

I did confront her. I asked how she could have closed her eyes, **

pretended nothing was wrong. She turned it back on me.

Why didn't you tell? Why didn't you get help?

I hated her for a while. Now I kind of feel sorry for her. When Raeanne died, it emptied **

every ounce of love from Mom's heart. Why couldn't she save just a spoonful--for me?

558.

Drained Dry Of love, she's surviving fine in DC. Comes home once in a while, **

more because it's expected of her than to spend time with me.

I think I scare her. I mean, how can she be certain which one **

of me she's spending time with?

Dissociative identity disorder **

wasn't even in her dictionary, let alone on her radar.

Now that it's on mine, I suppose I'll always do a double take **

whenever I happen to pass by a mirror.

559.

Except for Ian No one at school knows about the two sides of me.

Ian swore himself to secrecy.

Everyone else thinks I had a mild case of viral meningitis.

Well, DID is a brain thing, after all.

I missed some school, but not much, made it up quickly, so I'm not really behind. At Carol's **

urging, I apologized to Mr. Lawler, who gave me an A for the semester.

In fact, I managed a 3.5 GPA. All As.

Except PE. Can't have everything.

Drama? The play went perfectly.

We brought 'em to their feet.

I still hate Madison, avoid her when I can. But I don't get in her face. The game has lost its appeal.

560.

I Cringe If I see Ty or Mick, who I guess walked until he found his truck and never said a word to anyone, **

Ty is the only other person who might suspect DID. But there are lots of reasons for him to keep quiet.

Carol has helped me understand why I pushed myself into such explicit sexual behavior. It was programmed **

into me when I was very small.

Part of me hated it. Part of me couldn't help but enjoy it. Part.

I'm taking driver's training.

When I'm ready, Grandma Charlotte will sign for my license.

One cool thing. She and Grandpa Ted are talking again. Not like they're dating, but at least they're cordial.

I still work at the old folks' home, but only one day a week, mostly just to stay in touch with Greta.

561.

She Is My Real Angel And the only one who understands the depth of Daddy's deceptions.

Not even Carol knows firsthand how it feels to be hurt in such a way by someone who's supposed to protect you.

Greta is the one who convinced me I had to confront Daddy with every ugly truth, had to force him out of my life.

If you don't, you will never begin to heal. And you can heal.

I didn't want him to go to prison.

He probably would have pulled strings to avoid it, anyway. I didn't want to see him locked up. But more, I didn't want to testify **

Didn't want the world to hear all the dirty details. Daddy checked himself into a pricey rehab, promised to get his head fixed.

Not sure that's possible.

When he gets out, he'll move into an apartment in Santa Barbara.

Thirty miles away. Not far enough.

But it is what it is. I have not forgiven him. Not sure I ever will.

562.

Ian Still Doesn't Know About Daddy. I just can't bring myself to tell him. He thinks **

the stuff that happened is because of the accident. Childhood trauma.

Oh yes, one of many. But he doesn't need to know the worst of them.

Maybe one day I'll be able to let him that far in. But not yet.

For now, it's enough to have him in my life, to see him every day.

Grandma lets him come over, is good with us dating. Maybe **

she knows we still don't have sex.