"Don't forget that lovely bit about shaving until you slice yourself open."

And that's the easy stuff. Promiscuity.

Dissociative identity disorder. And the granddaddy of all--fucking Daddy.

"More accurately, letting Daddy fuck you and keeping it to yourself."

Even if I tell her every bit of it, there's no guarantee she can fix me.

Suicide sounds better and better.

"Yeah, but you'd have to get it right.

Or maybe, just leave that to me."

544.

What Do I Have to Live For?

Can't think of a single thing.

Mom? A long-distance mother focused completely on herself.

Friends? Not a single one I've allowed myself to get close to.

School? Can't stomach the thought of seeing Old Man Lawler again.

Drama? Oh well, that's what understudies are for, right?

Boyfriend? Don't make me laugh. I'd much rather cry.

"Hey, you can't really blame him; 545.

I Cant Blame Ian at All He's solid.

"You're fractured."

He's hopeful.

"You're hopeless."

He's always there.

"You're half there."

He's faithful.

"You're so not."

He's giving.

"You're afraid to give."

He's honest.

"You lie all the time."

He's loving.

"You don't know how to love."

546.

But I Do Know What Love Is And all because of Ian.

I'm still not sure how to give it, but I've tasted it. Maybe that's enough.

Maybe that's more than some people ever get.

Maybe I really need to taste it right now.

I haven't let myself break down and weep in a very long time. Could never see much use in it, really.

Tears impress no one. But, oh yeah, there's no one here to impress. So I go ahead and let tears fall.

Rain. Storm. Flood. My pillow soaks with the salt of regret, and I rest my head against it, until...

547.

Someone's in My Room I wake, certain of it. It's early evening, and the room is pale and the soft perfume of roses drifts from the nightstand.

Hey. How are you feeling?

I think it can't be, but when I turn my head, it's Ian's face I see. The tears start up again immediately. "Better now."

I.

should have come sooner, but...

He stands, comes over, sits on the bed, gently brushes the moisture from my cheeks.

"It's okay." He's here now.

No. I should have been here for you.

He opens his arms and I drop into their circle. "Oh God, Ian, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to tell you, where to begin....

Don't. Not now. Just let me hold you.

548.

Must Be a Dream But if it is, I need to stay locked inside it forever.

I can't believe he's here.

I can't believe he still loves me, but my heart says he does.

"Oh, Ian. I love you so much.

I'm so sorry I ever hurt you.

If you give me time, help me get well and strong, I promise to make everything up to you."

He's quiet for a long time.

Finally he says, I don't know exactly what's wrong with you, or with your life. It would be easier to walk away, put you **

and your pain behind me. I've had days to think it over, and at first that's what I decided to do.

But I love you so much, the idea of life without you in it is scarier **

than trying to deal with this. I've talked with Dr. Shore, who tells me you've got a long road to recovery.

I don't know if we can get through this, but I want to try.

549.

Okay, One Thing to Live For And right now, one thing is enough.

I have to believe we can make it.

Without that, I have nothing at all.

One thing to live for. One day at a time.

It will not be easy to let him all the way in.

But if I can open up to anyone, it's Ian.

Okay, maybe to Carol--Dr. Shore--first.