"Stop saying that!

I'm not dead...."

Yes, you are.

"...can't be dead.

I'm standing right here."

Someone is, but not you.

"I don't want to be dead...

522.

I Think I'm Dead Voices. Arms around me.

hands, familiar. Ian's hands?

They don't belong to me.

They belong to Kaeleigh.

Kaeleigh isn't dead.

I am. Lights. Floating.

Motion. Noise. Ian, beside me.

Come on, Kaeleigh.

Everything's okay. I'm here for you always.

He says I'm not dead, but he still thinks I'm her.

Am I her? If I'm her, where is me? I can't go away, not all the way away. Kaeleigh is weak, no match for Daddy.

If I die, she'll die too. I'll always be right here. Ian doesn't have to know. Daddy doesn't have to know. Even she won't know I'm still here. I'll have to hide better, always be Kaeleigh. It's a new game, but necessary for me to survive.

523.

Kaeleigh I Wish I Were Dead I'm sick. Confused. Hot.

My muscles ache, twitch.

They tell me it's withdrawal from OxyContin. I smell dead, sweating death from my pores.

Three days now, and nothing feels better. I keep puking...

did I once puke on purpose?

Is that part of me dead if I'm not dead, and if it is, am I half-dead?

I don't understand. I don't understand. Big blocks of my life are lost to me.

Big blocks of time, spent...

If I die will I remember them then?

Will I be condemned for them?

Was it really me doing them?

Or is Raeanne living inside me?

She won't talk to me, though I've tried.

Searched for her. Screamed for her. She was the better part of me. Without her, how can I survive?

524.

Fragments .............................................................

Shards That's what I am now.

Incomplete.

They keep asking for truths.

I'm afraid to give them answers.

I keep hiding behind dreams.

Except maybe they're realities.

They keep asking for reasons.

I give them lame excuses.

I want to live in my fantasies.

Except maybe they're nightmares.

They keep asking for explanations.

I keep telling them I don't have them.

525.

At First They don't allow visitors.

Only nurses. Doctors. One is a shrink. Dr. Carol Shore.

Call me Carol. I'm a psychotherapist.

And I'm here to help.

"Help what?" I ask, pretending like I don't need help. Never have.

Help you face whatever it is that you keep trying to escape from.

"Why would I want to do that?" My stomach heaves, but it's empty.

Because only by confronting your demons can you ever hope to conquer them.

What she doesn't seem to understand is, I have to go home to my demon.

526.

I Tell Her I'll Think About It Anything to get her off my back.

They give me something to calm the withdrawal, help me sleep.

As I slip toward lovely nothingness, **

I hear a voice behind the door.

She's my daughter, goddammit.

I have every right to see her.

No. Don't want to see him. Ever.

Then snippets. Ugly movies.

Please! Go away. Let me sleep!

Relax...can't...he's here.

The door opens, but I refuse to open my eyes. Maybe the drug will kick in, push me all the way down into unconsciousness.

Footsteps. His. One, two. Stop!

Kaeleigh, girl. Wake up. It's Daddy.

I'm right here beside you.

His hand, cold, strokes my cheek.

His head tilts against my chest.

I.

wish I could take it all back....

527.

When I Wake Up I'm alone. In the dark.

Where am I again?

Who am I again?

I'm hot. So hot.

I was hot in a car.

A BMW? With...

More ugly movies.

Only Daddy's not in them. I am.