Do you think hell is fiery?

I don't.

I think hell is frozen.

470.

Before the Other Night It was a while since Daddy went to Kaeleigh, saturated with misguided love and the overwhelming need to own her completely. To prove he owns her completely. Prove it to her. Prove it to himself.

He can never own me. Maybe that's why he doesn't bother me.

I can give myself to whomever I please, in anyway I damn well choose. Key word: choose.

If I say okay, well then it is.

I wonder what will happen to Daddy when we turn eighteen and Kaeleigh can move away.

I wonder, codependent as she seems to be on their sick relationship, if she ever will.

No one will even notice when I go. I'd leave now, but if I did, Kaeleigh would have no one but Ian. And sorry, but the odds are long that he'll hang around.

Too many easier scores.

471.

Being Easier Isn't really such a bad thing.

It can get you what you want.

Yeah, yeah, I know what they call someone who barters **

her body in exchange for something she wants, A wife!

Get it? Okay, never mind.

But it doesn't bother me to use **

the one thing I've got that's mine, all mine, to get what **

I want. Drugs. Liquor. Fun.

Not like there's a whole lot **

of that where I live. More drugs. Better drugs. Maybe **

it's time to graduate from pot, hash, and pills to something **

stronger. That opiated stuff was great. Wonder what heroin **

is like. I hear it drops you way down, where pain can't find you.

472.

Any Drugs Would be good right this moment.

Heroin. Cocaine. Maybe ecstasy.

Not too sure about psychedelics.

They say acid and 'shrooms make you look inside your own head, help you learn about yourself.

Sorry, not interested. I'm afraid if I looked inside my head, I'd find something really scary.

Maybe if I walk into town I'll run into some way to score. Ty never called back. He's probably pissed **

'cause I took so long to call him.

Or maybe he found someone else, although I doubt he fell in love and **

changed his bachelor ways. Way too into himself, not the type to move in a habitual keeper, love or no love.

No love to us, I'd still like to see Ty. It's been a long week with nothing to smoke. I'll call him again.

473.

The Biggest Surprise Of the week was not hearing a word from or about Mick.

I expected a call, at the very least, telling me what a bitch I am.

What I really expected was a knock on the door from a tan uniform, **

a trip to juvie, and major dishonor to Judge Raymond Gardella, not to **

mention his wife, the incoming freshman congresswoman. Phew!

But no. Nada. Nothing. Not a hint of a problem. Maybe I should call **

Mick, apologize. Would he forgive me? Pick me up? Share a doob?

I mean, really, it was his fault. Maybe that's why he didn't make trouble.

Okay, I'm treading a fantasy--Mick, in my control, A shitload of bud. And me.

474.

But It Isn't Mick Who comes idling up beside me at the midtown park where I spent the afternoon spying on tourists for sheer amusement value.

No, it isn't a big 4x4 that stops.

In fact, it only has two wheels.

Tuned and well-fed, Ian's Yamaha hums contentedly.

Ride?

I know he can't have confused me with Kaeleigh, who would not be happy to know Ian gave me a ride home. Like I care. "Sure."

He hands me his spare helmet, slides forward to make room, and as I slide my arms around him, I wonder if he might think I'm Kaeleigh after all **

Nah. He knows her too well.

Doesn't he? One way to find out.

I make my voice all sweet.

"Take me for a cruise?"

He pauses, tenses. Definitely confused. Then he shakes his head. Relaxes a level, but not completely.

Where to?

475.

Highway 154 [the lines on this page, in groups, in the print book zig zag]

Takes you all the way to Santa Barbara. It winds past cattle ranches and Lake Cachuma before cresting The San Marcos Pass and snaking down over the mountain. Just as you drop, you can turn off on the potholed road to Cold Spring Tavern. That's where I asked to go. I love it there, where history looms large in the oak-decked beauty of old California. It's late afternoon, and I find myself wishing I had a heavier jacket.

I bury my face into Ian, inhale warmth and perfume of leather.

Something very much like contentment threatens my equilibrium. Does Kaeleigh have a clue what she has here?

476.

Longing Lunges With sudden ferocity.

What is wrong with me?

I can't. Can't. Won't. Will I?

Ian pulls into a narrow parking space beside the road.

Walk with me?

He reaches **

for my hand and it dawns on me. He does think I'm Kaeleigh. How I want to be.

I should tell him. Have to tell him, but my hand, tucked neatly into his, is so warm.

I let it stay there as we work our way along a narrow trail.

So much love, in the palm **