What the fuck is it, Kaeleigh?

Whatever it is, don't leave it inside. Someday you'll implode.

Trembling, eyes burning, I reached for his hand. "I know. I only hope you won't have to clean up the mess."

36.

I Still Haven't Imploded Though, I have to admit, sometimes (maybe even often) I wish I would. Wish I could just get it over with. But it's not going to happen right this moment so I'll go to work instead.

Arms tight around Ian's waist, cool October wind in my face, I truly wish the power of his love could eclipse the overwhelming shame.

He deserves someone better than me, someone pure. Worthy.

The shadows bend long toward evening as the Yamaha quiets to a stutter.

A cloud of regret boils up, rains sadness down all around me and as I climb from the bike, a strange desire grips me. I can do this. Want to do this.

I steel myself against the specters always haunting me, gather all my inner strength, softly kiss the promise of his lips.

37.

Raeanne Promises Are Meaningless Mom: I.

promise I'll be home soon.

Mick: I.

promise I want only you I wish they'd both take a one-way elevator to hell! Okay, I'm used to my mother's lies. Right at this moment it's Mick whose bullshit is pissing me off. Yeah, I guess I'm a total dumb-ass for believing the thought of being with me could eclipse his testosterone-fueled flirtations.

I mean, at lunch, I could hardly wait to be with him. I sprinted toward his truck, out of the shadows and into the bright autumn glare. And there, leaning into his open window, was that bitch Madison. Jealousy squeezed around me, choked off my scream. Too much to let myself dwell on, like visions, always haunting me, of Kaeleigh and Daddy.

38.

Madison Happens to Be Mick's ex, the operative two letters being e and x.

Why can't she just leave him alone? She's totally wrong for him. Anyway, it was her decision for them to break up. A very good decision.

First of all, Mick's out of school. Graduated, bottom of his class, two years ago.

Madison is the type who needs a guy on her arm at school, someone to flaunt, someone cute she can order around.

More to the point, the only drugs Madison will likely ever do are steroids. She's a total mainstream jock.

Softball team. Swim team.

Golf team. If it means creaming an opponent, she's all over it.

Could be why she's hustling Mick now. When he was up for grabs, she couldn't care less about scratching his

39.

figurative itch. All it took was his hooking up with me, and out came her stubby claws.

Well, mine are a whole lot sharper, though she doesn't seem to realize it.

Just wait till I dig them into that sun-toughened jockette hide. Then it won't matter if I can't scream.

40.

She'll Scream Loud Enough For both of us, and I do look forward to that. Ooh. Was that mean? Maybe.

But hey, I'm sick and tired of playing passive. No, I'll leave that to Kaeleigh.

Kaeleigh, queen of passive, all the time saying no, but not strong enough **

to mean it. Not strong enough to fight.

Not anywhere near as strong as me.

I have to say I rather enjoyed verbally sparring instead of retreating. Once I finally caught **

my breath, I climbed up into the Avalanche, slid across the seat, almost into Mick's lap.

He turned (not quite quick enough, but it was what it was), grinning.

'Bout time you **

got here. I almost took off without you.

Unsaid words hung like a heavy curtain: **

Without you. And with Madison.

I pretended not to hear them, not to get mad at them.

Ignoring Ms. Jock completely, I looked straight into his eyes. "Really? And miss out on this?"

41.

Then I kissed him. Hard. Wet. Sharp stabs of tongue. My fingers drifted in between **

his thighs, finding exactly what they expected.

Madison gave a little gasp. "Oh," I said. "Sorry, **

didn't mean to offend you." I laughed. Mick joined me, then said, That's my cue. See ya, Mad.

42.

She Was Mad, Okay Madison puffed up red, venomous as an adder. Holy crud. I've never seen anyone flip from flirt to viper so quickly. Totally scary!

She didn't budge as we backed out of the parking space. Just stood there, boiling, not a word escaping her lips. But her eyes said plenty: I'll get you back. Wait and see.

I smiled, moved even closer to Mick, making steering problematic.

Could you give me an inch or two, please?

he said. I gave him a lot more than that.

In fact, once we were well beyond Madison's sight, I scooted clear over by the opposite door, clamped my mouth shut before I said something I'd regret.

C'mon. Not my fault she's still hot for me.

He reached across the seat, grabbed hold of my arm. Pulled. When I resisted, he yanked harder. Hard enough to hurt.

Hard enough to leave purple bruises.

43.

Someone smart would have screamed.