Earth to Kaeleigh.

All heart and waiting for me to respond. "I...um...Sorry, I'm a million miles away.

What did you say?"

Ah, the old "million miles away" excuse.

31.

His smile holds the warmth of the sun, and when he opens his arms, I plunge deep between them. "Sorry."

For what? Oh, you have been avoiding me, huh?

His body is toned, and he smells yummy, like some kind of spice.

I look up into eyes, the turquoise of the Caribbean. "Sort of."

I.

always said I liked your honesty. Still...

"Not avoiding you in particular.

More like everyone, kind of.

Sometimes I get antisocial.

You know that, though."

Yeah, I do, but I'm not exactly sure why.

"I must get it from my dad.

Can't be from Mom, the world- class go-getter, hand shaker, and baby kisser."

32.

I don't think a judge should be antisocial.

Can't talk about my father.

Too much to say that can't be said. I pull away from Ian's hug. "You're probably right."

So, may I walk you home?

Or would you rather ride?

"Two blocks? Think we can walk it. But hey, if you be really, really nice, I'll let you give me a ride to work."

Deal. Being nice to you is easy, even when you try to avoid me.

33.

This Huge Part of Me Is so happy Ian won't let me avoid him, won't let me push him away.

What I don't understand is why not.

I mean, girls hit on him all the time.

Over the years he has gone out with a few. But he never gets serious.

I know he wants to get serious.

He's definitely not a player, not a poser, not a loser, not a user.

Ian wants deep down forever love, love he knows he can count on.

And that so sets him up for hurt.

Last year he and Katie were an item for several months. After he broke up with her, I asked what happened.

We were on the hill behind his house, soaking up April sun.

Katie's great, he said.

Pretty. Sweet.

"So what, then?" I asked, knowing the answer but wanting to hear it.

(And realizing how selfish that was.)

34.

He turned his face away from me, into the spring breeze.

She's great, he repeated.

But she'll never be you.

Then he looked straight into my eyes.

I.

love you, and I know you know how much. I also know there's something **

that keeps you from loving me back.

What is it, Kaeleigh? Is it me?

Because I swear I'll change....

"No! It's not you. Oh Ian, you're the absolute best. If I could love anyone, it would be you. I want..."

The rest, the "to love you" stuck like a giant wad of gum in my throat.

Ian pulled me into him, held me close.

Please!

he pleaded. And then he kissed me. Gently. And I kissed him back, but only for a second because suddenly **

all I could see was a featureless face, with a wide, sour mouth coaxing, Please, baby. I won't hurt you.

35.

Fear enveloped me, clasped itself around me. I couldn't shake free, struggled to find breath.

Still seeking air, I jerked back.

I will never forget the look on Ian's face, contorted with my pain.