Thinking back, I didn't have lunch, didn't have breakfast.

I should be starving, and in fact, my tummy's rumbling.

I grab a bottle of raspberry iced tea, one of Mom's Power- Bars, and a handful of grapes.

Eating healthy? So not me.

But at the moment, nothing inside needs to be killed with food.

No shame. No pain. No loneliness.

Every demon is fast asleep.

286.

Notice I Didn't Say Gone I'm not stupid enough to believe one magical afternoon can vanquish my monsters forever. And what is forever, anyway, but enough time for monster to beget monster?

No matter, I take a big bite of the PowerBar, which is stale, the texture of rubber, and mostly flavorless, though t he wrapper claims "great chocolate taste." It takes a long while and too many teeth- grinding chews to swallow a single bite. I toss the rest, gulp some tea, and just about the time I consider my homework, I hear the garage door open.

If I hurry, I can slip out the front before Daddy knows I'm here.

Too much of me is happy right now to allow the rest to worry about his current state of mind.

287.

Raeanne The Library forever, Is busy this afternoon.

Lots of little kids running around. It seems like it takes forever to find a quiet place in an unobtrusive corner. I put my sweater on the chair across from mine. Wait. Mr. Lawler is late, and it crosses my mind that he might stand me up.

I pretend to be working, and after what seems like a long time (though the clock insists it's only ten minutes), I sense eyes and smell Lawler's woody cologne.

Sorry I'm late.

Time got away from me this afternoon.

Is this yours?

He points to my sweater and I nod. "Saved you a seat." He smiles and sits across the narrow table from me and seems not to worry at all that our legs touch.

288.

Glad I Wore Jeans Today I haven't shaved in a few days.

Nothing less sexy than stubble, when you're leg to leg with an amazing guy.

And, teacher or no teacher, ten years (or maybe more) my senior or not, he is def amazing.

I lean forward slightly, notice his eyes fall to what almost passes as cleavage, with a good Victoria's Secret push-up bra helping out. Glad I wore that, too.

He clears his throat.

Of all my students this semester, you seem to have the best grip on history. Not just dates and events, but also their relevance to today.

So how can I help you?

I smile. "Loaded question.

But what I'd like is your take on conspiracy theories...."

We spend the next twenty minutes discussing the Kennedys, Martin Luther King Jr., Castro, Lyndon B.

Johnson, and government goons.

289.

Who knew conspiracy theories and sixties politics could be such a major turn-on?

The entire time, my legs rest gently between his, knees touching the inside of his, and despite my "lunch" with Mick today. I'm starting to feel incredibly, um...aroused.

And what's more, I can tell Lawler feels the same way.

While we talk, his hair strays down close to his eyes and I start to reach up, move it out of the way for him. Reconsider.

Damn, the man is totally hot.

Just as I think that, my cell phone rings. Once. Twice.

I glance at who's calling.

Daddy, of course. "Excuse me one second?" I turn my back to Lawler, take the call, explain where I am and when I'll be home. After I hang up, Mr. Lawler says, Sounds like it's time to go.

Any more questions?

290.

Questions? Yeah, I've Got Them [the next lines are shaped like a question mark in the book]

Do you or don't you have a girl- friend? If you do, is she prettier than me? If you do, do you sleep around on her?

If you do, would you sleep with me?

Even if you don't have a girlfriend, would you pretty please sleep with me? Have you ever slept with a student?

If you have, was she prettier than me? Even if you've never slept with a student, would you pretty please sleep with me? Is this over- whelming attraction really mutual, or I s my believing that just a sign of impending insanity? Is my **

lunacy on the horizon, or is it already here?

291.

I Don't Actually Ask Any of those questions, although I'd really, really like the answers.

Instead I say, "No more questions **

right now, at least not about conspiracies. But I'm seriously thinking about majoring in history.

When I start looking at colleges, will you help?" I still haven't moved my legs. Neither has he, and that **

encourages my next move. I slide my arm under the table, rest my hand on his knee. Okay, now **

this can go either way. "I'd like your views on schools. And maybe you'll honor me with a good reference?"

292.

Lawler Doesn't Jerk Away Doesn't run away.

In fact, he barely even blinks.

All he does is smile and cover my hand with his own.

His palm is smooth, and it wears a thin patina of sweat.

You know you're my favorite student.

A good reference is no **

problem at all. And of course we can talk about schools.

You still owe me that cup of coffee. I'm not likely to forget. Next time?

293.

Next Time!

There's going to be a next time, and darlin', it's gonna be a lot more private than this time, **

I'm guessing. Don't want to look too anxious, though, so I simply agree, "Next time."

Neither of us has moved yet, not a finger, not a knee. I think maybe before my next history **

class I'll shave my legs, buy some nylons, and make sure my shortest skirt is clean.

Finally he lifts his hand away from mine. I sigh and he smiles.

Thanks for an enlightening afternoon.

He lowers his voice slightly.

You really are an exceptional young woman, you know.

I look forward to coffee and you very soon. Better take my leave before the gossip mill starts to spin.

294.

I Watch Him Go My heart races and my brain buzzes, replaying his words.

I look forward to coffee and you coffee and you and you you.

Maybe I'm reading way too much into it. It's weird, because I so **

believed there was something between us, but now I'm not **

so sure there really is, even though just a second ago, I was.