I really don't get her at all.

But how can I possibly care?

I am hip-to-hip with the most incredible guy in the universe.

And for once I will let myself **

accept our union. At least until he takes me home and tells me, as I fear he will, This is a mistake.

You don't deserve my love.

278.

This Afternoon Comes laced with autumn chill.

Ian insists I wear his jacket, and the sharp scent of leather lifts up underneath the helmet's face shield. My arms hug Ian tight, and as he shifts the Yamaha, the muscles beneath his Levi shirt tense and release. Tense and release. And my body tenses too. I've ridden behind him many times before. So why is it suddenly new?

His contours, taut and sinewy, are exactly the same. The mink curl of his hair creeps gently from beneath his helmet. Same.

He commands the big bike with skill and respect. Same as always. But I am different.

And I don't understand exactly how. And I don't understand just why.

All I know is I love how it feels.

And I know I'm going to lose it, just like I've lost everything important in my life.

279.

Daddy Isn't Home Not that I expected him to be.

It's early yet. I climb down from the bike, biting back anxiety. "Want to come inside?"

Ian hesitates. Normally he wouldn't chance it. But today whatever he has to say makes the risk worthwhile.

Okay.

Knowing spies might lurk, we don't touch until we're through the front door. Once it closes, I'm in Ian's arms.

Our kiss eclipses all others, real, imagined, dreamed of.

It is the beginning of time, it is the end of the ages.

I can't breathe, don't want to breathe. I want to give my breath to Ian, die in the giving.

I want to give him more...

280.

Desire Strikes Like a Cobra Sinks its fangs between my legs, injects its venom. The heady creep wanders from groin to belly.

I lift Ian's hands, urge them against the throb beneath my blouse. "Touch me. Please?"

He wants to, does, and I love his skin on mine. And then he moans, Oh, Kaeleigh...

And suddenly a different snake strikes, with lightning ferocity. Not cobra, but python, **

threading itself around me, squeezing. Hissing, Oh, Kaeleigh.

Oh yes, that's right, little flower.

I jerk back and Ian's watery eyes reflect the horror in my own.

Oh God, Kaeleigh, what is it?

Tell me!

Then he softens, clay in hot-water hands.

Please tell me.

And he starts to cry.

281.

And I cry too. And I want to confess. And I fall so deep into his tears that I think I'll drown.

"Oh God, Ian. I love you so much. If I could tell anyone, I would tell you...."

Anger swells inside him now, bloats like August carrion, and his eyes fairly sizzle.

You are all I've ever wanted, and I want you now with all that I am. I don't mean I want **

sex with you. although I do want that. too. I want the part of you that you refuse to give.

282.

And I Think He will do as he's always done in the past--stalk away, out the door. Rev up his bike, leave me here, alone in his exhaust. Small. Very small.

Instead he coaxes me, Please, let me hold you.

And I look, but the python has dissolved into the jungle, left me numb with confusion and need.

The need for a friend. The need for a lover. The need to trust someone, and who can I trust, if not Ian? I lean into the warmth of him, the truth of him. I look **

up into his eyes, find so much love for me there I know I'll never be okay without him in my life. My eyes beg him to kiss me. And when he does, **

it's like rain on drought-starved desert. I want to give him what he asked for. Just as I think I will, it full frontal hits me that it's best to let sleeping pythons lie.

283.

Speaking of Snakes I think it's best for Ian to leave before my personal serpent slithers home. "I'm not ready to tell you everything yet, but I want you to know something changed today...."

Something profound, but I don't say that. "I've always loved you like a friend, but I want us to be more. I want to give you all of me, and I will just as soon as I can. Okay?"

His eyes are red. Bleary.

But smeared in them is something resembling hope. He smiles.

I've waited this long. Guess a little longer won't hurt **

But please try to trust me. Love is meaningless without trust.

I can't change what has happened in the past, Kaeleigh. I can only promise to make the future better.

and he kisses me again, and there is no need for sex, no need for hands. No demands.

No control. Only connection.

284.

I Walk Ian to His Bike Feeling completely disconnected without my fingers twined in his.

But the idea of spies--Daddy's, Mom's, or some unknown covert **

operatives--nags. I look right, left, over my shoulder, across the street, **

but can't discern a single person who might qualify as a spy.

Before Ian can put on his helmet, I sneak one last delicious kiss."

Oh, hey. You wanted to talk to me about something, remember?"

Ian looks nowhere but directly into my eyes.

Think we covered it.

Guess I'll see you tomorrow.

He straddles the Yamaha, turns **

the key, pauses long enough to say, I love you, and he's gone.

285.

My Normal MO After Ian leaves me alone is to run to the refrigerator, empty most of it onto a plate and smother every bad feeling.

Like an automaton, I go into the kitchen, open the fridge, peek inside. But for once, nothing shouts, Eat me now!