It was dark in my room.

Very dark.

Someone had closed the curtain.

I was small. Maybe nine.

Mommy wasn't home.

But Daddy was.

He lurched through my door.

That scared me. But why?

He'd never hurt me before.

Only touched me lovingly.

Like any Daddy.

So why did I tremble?

Why did I catch my breath, hold it, as if I might never breathe again?

Why did my heart feel like a race-car engine?

Daddy must have heard it.

Don't be afraid, little flower.

It's only me.

And almost instantly, Daddy made everything seem just fine.

Even when it wasn't.

115.

I Didn't Panic Then But here in the dining room, terror inflates inside me **

like a flame in a breeze, Especially when William **

echoes, Won't you tell your name, little flower **

Blood rushes from my face to who-knows-where, and I feel **

weightless, helpless, a cloud in a cold, trembling sky.

Just as I think I'll turn and run, worse, keel completely over, **

dearest Greta takes hold of me, props me up with the force of her.

Kaeleigh seems to have taken ill, William. You and she can **

chat later.

She guides me away.

Will you come to my room for a while?

It's a question, not a directive, and for that I am grateful.

116.

Unlike Everyone Else In my life, Greta knows when to stay silent. She sits me down in a chair by the window, settles into a rocker, opposite me.

Then all she does is rock.

I stare out over the fog-shrouded valley. The gray gulps me into it, infiltrates my brain. Sad.

Will I ever find a way beyond this sad? Tears puddle my eyes.

I let them fall, like how they feel, then come to my senses.

"S-sorry," I sniffle, not sure why, except it's lame to cry, like it's ever done any good.

Sorry? What for?

Greta asks.

You've got some powerful demons, girl, but I've got a few of my own.

Already told you I'm a good listener.

Talk to me when you're ready.

117.

I Want to Talk But I'm not.....really sure what I can talk....about. Daddy?

Not ever. Mom? Definitely not now.

The campaign is much too close to call.

Raeanne? How I miss her, miss how close we once were? Miss the sisters we used to be, before...

Nope. Can't.....crack open that particular.....history book.

Other family members, inexplicably unable or unwilling to be a part of my **

life? Ian? Uh-huh. OMG! Greta is undeniably right. Some very intense demons have so got hold of me.

118.

I Go Over to Her Wrap my arms around her neck. "Thank you. But I'm okay." Of course she knows it's a lie.

Greta, who patiently waits for my confession, can see demons hip-hopping in my eyes.

She deserves a better answer.

"Maybe someday we can trade stories, okay? But I'm on foot today.

Better go."

Be safe, is her reply, and again I realize I only feel secure here.

Passing William in the hall, I give his shoulder an easy poke.

"Name's Kaeleigh. Gotta go.

Be good." He offers the usual Always, then turns his attention to a couple of older ladies. Better them than me, and their giggles mean they agree. I step out the door, into lengthening afternoon, carry my demons home, tucked deep inside.

119.

Raeanne We All Have Demons Some inside us, some outside.

(Madison is a fine example of the exterior variety.) It's a lie to say otherwise. Kaeleigh can successfully stow hers away in some dark corner, but in my eyes it is better to confront them than let them roil you into turmoil. And so at the moment I'm thinking I'd better go get in Madison's face. For a day or two, I wasn't sure Mick was worth it. And hey, he probably isn't. But she has to learn not to poke sticks at snakes, at least not venomous ones. Today my fangs are exposed. All I have to do is sink them into the proper artery, pump a little poison, watch her bleed out, one less demon to contend with.

120.

I Guess I Might Just leave well enough alone, but I've been thinking about Mick.

One way or another, I have to decide whether I want to keep him **

He actually gave me an ultimatum when he found me doing the deed with Ty.

Maybe that's why I got so ballsy, had sex with Ty where I knew Mick could **

find us. Maybe I had to know if he cared or not. He did! He was jealous.

I'd like to think the reason he was flirting with Madison **

that night was to make me jealous.

But I don't think he's that complicated.

"Complicated" takes more brains.

Not that Mick is a total dolt, **

but he isn't exactly Einstein, either.

Anyway, most of Mick's brains reside **

in the general area of his groin.

One thing for sure, sex will never 121.

be about love with Mick. I don't love him, and he definitely doesn't love me.

Still, he semi-fills a gaping black hole inside me. That place wants love, **

maybe even needs love, but love is something I'm pretty sure doesn't exist.

122.

With or Without Love I'm not ready to let him go, not without a fight. Besides the easy sex thing, there's still the pot.